The art of Christmas sneakery as done by an expert

Christmas 2007. Dan and I exchange presents.

He goes first. He knows what he's getting. He's known for months. If I didn't tell him, he would have picked up The Simpsons Movie the second it came out and laid waste to my gift idea.

Now, it's my turn.

I gingerly tear off wrapping paper and there, staring me in the face in big white letters are the words, "Build a better resume!"

Huh.How....practical. I mean, it makes sense, right? I'm going to start job-hunting soon and I want my (incredibly meagre) resume to look good.

I look up at my very cute fiance who is smiling at me expectantly.

"Thanks...honey. That's so sweet of you to think about...."

I trail off, not really knowing how to finish that sentence or whether or not I can maintain a false air of happiness.

"Look," Dan explains, obviously oblivious to the fact that his fiance doesn't care for practicality when it comes to gifts. "See, it comes with this great pamphet!"

A pamphlet? I'm supposed to get excited about an effing pamplet?!

He thrusts a flimsy stack of papers at me and smiles. Damn it, he's cute. I half-heartedly rifle through the paper, wondering how you can know someone from the age of fifteen and not really know them at all.

Then, something odd catches my eye. Bold text reading, "Wachovia Center."

I flip to that page and my heart pretty much stops.

Thursday, February 21.
8:00 p.m.
Wachovia Center.

THE FOO FIGHTERS.

I stare at Dan, my mouth agape and he's doing that incredibly cute and incredibly annoying thing with his mouth -- the smile that says, "Ha ha! I gotcha, you sucker!"

"Dude...." I quietly intone while his mom, sister and brother-in-law look at me. The wave breaks and I let out an almighty shriek:

"DUDE! WE'RE SEEING THE FOO FIGHTERS!!"

The family cracks up and engulf Dan in a huge hug. Best. Present. Ever.

Thank God he uses his powers of deception for good and not evil.




In other Christmas-related news, my parents and sister might just be the coolest people ever. Why? Because this is what they got me:

My sister got me Eat, Pray Love by Elizabeth Mitchell. That's not the best part. This is -- she enclosed a note that made reference to her being a "d-bag" and then, signed it 'Sarikaisawesome.'

Indeed.

My parents gift was very, very cool. Most parents use Christmas as a time to eke out sweet little Hallmark moments between them and their kids. My parents wrote me a very nice note telling me how much they missed me and how they hope my first Christmas in PA is a good one...and attached said note to Ego-Trip's Big Book of Racism -- a tome which features the 'Are You A Racist' quiz. Sample question:

It's the annual Puerto Rican Day Parade. Boricuas from all across this great nation with descend upon the Manzana Grande to commemorate:

A) ass
B) Ass
C) ASS
D) AZZ (Boo-yow!)

Yeah. My parents are from the five six ace in the Gunshine State...and it shows.

I hope everyone had a very happy holiday. Tell me all about it!

Love is...

Singing Good by Better Than Ezra together, making up better lyrics and meaning every word of, "It's good living with you...wa-how!"

First, it was those little purse dogs and now, it's babies...

Did becoming pregnant just get easier or something? Was everyone's birth control replaced with Tic-Tacs? Is someone tainting the L.A. area supply of overpriced coffee drinks with fertility drugs? What the hell is going on?

Last night, my sister called me to break the news that Jamie Lynn Spears (Britney's 16-year-old sibling) was pregnant. I didn't believe it at first and said I had seen the same rumor reported by OK Magazine, but then, my sister responded with a sentence that got all my journalistic nerves tingling -- "It's on all the wires."


Jamie Lynn and her baby daddy, Casey Aldridge.

I was shocked until I realized that the Spears women excel at embodying that masochistic credo -- "Women. The only thing they're good for is making trouble, sandwiches and babies."

I guess we can expect a Very Special Episode of Zoey 101 sometime in the near future.

And then, this morning -- I hear how Lily Allen's expecting her first child.

Yazaccinos, people! We've talked about this!

Don't Stop Believin'

Baltimore: 16
Miami: 22

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Rolling Stone Magazine: Best 100 songs of 2007

As 2007 comes to a close, everyone gets a little list-happy and starts bulletpointing the year -- best movies of the year, best celebrity meltdowns, best sandwich featuring chipotle as a condiment (my vote goes to Wawa. Their hoagies rock my world), whatever.

As expected, Rolling Stone Magazine came out with a list of the Best 100 Songs of 2007. As expected, the list consisted of an assortment of tracks that never made it to my ear drums (#28 -- Crazy Ex-Girlfriend by Miranda Lambert, #65 -- White People For Peace by Against Me!), amazing songs I loved but never heard on the radio (#45 -- Halloweenhead by Ryan Adams) and ear-worms that no-one could escape from (#3 -- Umbrella by Rihanna and #24 -- What Goes Around Comes Around by the ineffable Mr. Timberlake).

Also as expected, Rolling Stone made some glaring errors in judgment. How could one possibly rate Same Girl by R. Kelly and Usher (#26 on the list)



higher than The Pretender by the Foo Fighters (#47 on the list)?!



The former is a thoroughly insipid duet featuring lyrics like: Wait a minute hold on dog. Do she got a crib? By the Waffle House? Do she got a beauty mark on the left side of her mouth? Went to Georgia Tech? Works for TBS? Man I can't believe this shit. Damn!/Tell me what's wrong dog what the hell you damnin' 'bout? I'm your homie so just say what's on your mind.

While The Pretender just flat-out kicks ass. Taylor Hawkins plays like he's riding a herd of stampeding elephants through your central nervous system and Dave Grohl's scathing, politically incisive lyrics just slay me:

Send in your skeletons/Sing as their bones go marching in... again/The need you buried deep/The secrets that you keep are ever ready/Are you ready?/I'm finished making sense/Done pleading ignorance/That whole defense

Paging the Bush Administration. A Dave Grohl's on line one and he's got a message for you.

Come on, Rolling Stone. You're smarter than this. I refuse to believe the home of Cameron Crowe, Lester Bangs, David Fricke, Griel Marcus, Rob Sheffield, Anthony DeCurtis, Jancee Dunn and Hunter S. Thompson would make such an egregious error. So, fix up this little snafu and we won't mention it ever again.

Oh and if you've got a moment, check out Bill Maher's picks for Dickheads of the Year. Wasn't a huge fan of his Halloween costume, but I definitely agree with this list.

My So-Called Life: Dancing In The Dark

Since The Hills is on hiatus, I need more teen-oriented television to fill the void and blog about. Thankfully, ABC.com posted another free, streaming episode of My So-Called Life. I know the entire series is on DVD now, but is ABC planning to stream the whole thing online? 'Cause that would rock my world.

Two issues, though:

A) I wasn't subject to those effingly awful ATT ads this time. But, I did have to sit through pseudo sensual slop about hair removal cream. Smooth skin may be sexy, but the process of removing it sure ain't.
B) Pausing or skipping past certain scenes caused Firefox to crash numerous times. Not so cute.

Anyway, onto the second episode.

The Chases reignite the romance in the relationship by taking ballroom dancing lessons, Angela spends quality time at Brian Krakow's house working on a science project and Rayanne and Rickie plot to get Jordan and Angela together.

The episode starts off with Angela recounting all the kisses in her life to date (three) -- a camp counselor (who happened to have a girlfriend at the time), an usher at her cousin's wedding (who only kissed her 'cause he lost a bet -- ouch) and a guy she met on the beach last summer...who actually turns out to be a lifeguard resuscitating her. It seems pretty sad, but considering who I was dating when I was 15, I'd say Angela is light-years ahead of me (although I did have a teeny little crush on Dan when I was 15...but that doesn't really count 'cause he was the Internet Boy back then and years away from being my ridiculously cute fiance).

According to Rayanne, people throwing themselves at people is like, the entire basis of civilization. I can't say I disagree. Helen of Troy, anyone?

I honestly don't know how high school teachers do it. If I had to put up with consistent blank stares every time I asked a question, I'd punch someone. None of my classes (barring math) were ever like this, but I guess that's because I was surrounded by the academic dick-measurers known as honors and AP kids.

To those of you in relationships -- do you kiss for kissing's sake or do those kisses all have to lead somewhere? I'm all about the old-school and a firm believer that kissing for kissing's sake is vital to a good relationship.

This episode is Jordan Catalano at his most eloquent thus far and I've gotta admit, the guy looks pretty good. See?



I can see why Angela started hanging out with new people. Sharon Cherski is a raging bitch.

Of all the characters on the show, I probably relate to Brian Krakow the most. Big hair? Check (the dark days before I discovered the glory that is the flat-iron). Nerdy interests? Check. Unrequited crush? Check.

I love how the characters (and the audience) are unable to reference Jordan Catalano without using his full name. I knew people like that in high school and to this day, can't talk about them without saying both their first and last names.

Rayanne's nugget of wisdom for the episode? "I think part of him is partly interested in you. Definitely." Right....And you know what? Dating hasn't gotten any less confusing since high school.

Dude, what's up with Rickie's cousin Tino? We're never gonna meet this guy, are we?

Dear Early 90s Fashions: Please come back. The flannel and those button-up dresses worn with Doc Martens? I could totally rock those. 'Cause seriously, if I see one more sassy sloganed tee, designer handbag or anything remotely resembling Bobo Chic, I will punch the nearest person in the larynx. Think about it, OK? Lots of love: Jaime xx



Can we talk about Rayanne for a second? Homegirl is always eating so either she's got the perpetual munchies or she's a girl after my own heart and just likes to chow down. Speaking of, homemade artichoke spinach dip + crusty French bread = proof of a benevolent God.

Serious bonus points to Angela for fending off Jordan's lusty advances and for not backing down when he was being a dick. Why aren't there more girls like this on TV now? Modern teenagers would probably have put up with this shit because, "like, he's so cute and totally popular and it's just sex. Like, everyone does it..." I may be exaggerating a touch, but can you tell I don't have faith in nor respect for the youth of America?

Best line of the episode? Brian telling Jordan, "According to this, she was born yesterday..." See what happens when you commission a dude like Jordan Catalano to make a fake I.D.?

The fact that this show was canceled only adds further credence to my theory that television execs are, without a doubt, among the most intellectually and emotionally bankrupt people to walk the earth.

My So-Called Life: The Pilot

I cut my teeth on early-to-mid 90s pop culture and love it to this day. Example? One of my favorite shows of all time is Party of Five and last night, I spent two hours listening to Toad The Wet Sprocket, Better Than Ezra, The Gin Blossoms and Counting Crows.

I didn't live in the States when this show first started airing on ABC, so I completely missed the phenomenon (barring the odd episode caught on MTV occasionally). So, I decided to catch up via the free full episodes being streamed on ABC.com.

The only catch? You have to put up with those really insipid ATT ads. The ones that portmanteau place names. Philondelhi? Hollyorkizonasouthamaryland? However, if you're smart like me -- you'll use that time to either take a bathroom break or grab a snack (pretzel sticks + peanut butter = delicious!)

Now, onto the show:

For those of you not in the loop, My So-Called Life is a show about Angela Chase (Claire Danes), a relatively nondescript 15-year-old living in the fictional Pittsburgh suburb of Three Rivers. She isn't really popular or wealthy, she doesn't have super powers and her vocabulary and sense of self-awareness are far from Dawson-esque. Like most of us in high school -- she's just there, trying to figure it out.

Much like Lindsay Weir of Freaks and Geeks fame (another great show that was prematurely canceled), Angela starts hanging out with a new crowd - "bad girl" Rayanne Graff (A.J. Langer) and openly gay Rickie Vasquez (played by the fantastic Wilson Cruz) and develops a crush on reticent dreamboat, Jordan Catalano. The show centers on these characters, their relationships and the suburban American high school experience.

We all up to speed now? Good. Let's get to the minutiae of the pilot, shall we?

Love the theme music (composed by the amazing W.G. Snuffy Walden), but then again, I've always been a sucker for the xylophone. Oh and can we talk about the love affair I'm having with the way the show is shot? Dark, serious and yet cozy as opposed to the bright, slick and glossy teen dramas of today. Party of Five utilized this technique too and it looked great. Realistic and honest. Love it.

Claire Danes, can we please talk about that mousy, mousy hair you had for about three minutes in the pilot? Thank God you went with the Crimson Glow.



Way more iconic. Rayanne was spot-on. That mousy color was holding you back.

Hey, I take great offense to yearbook kids being portrayed as nerds. I was underclass editor and co-editor in chief of the Javelin and I'm totally cool. Right? Right, guys? Guys?

Whoa matricide? ("I can't even look at my mother without wanting to stab her repeatedly"). That's pretty heavy and I'm fairly certain that dialogue like that wouldn't be featured on any show not produced by Dick Wolf.

Ahhh, the infamous Jordan Catalano. He was left back twice and is barely coherent, but man is he dreamy (especially when he's not posturing as a rock star).



The closest I got to a Catalano-esque crush was a guy in high school who made the following observation regarding Sour Skittles -- "You know, if you suck the sour off...it's just a Skittle." Needless to say, that spark fizzled out real quick.

I remember when rock music was the soundtrack of adolescence. And by stating that out loud, I officially became the oldest person alive.

Jordan Catalano watching The Divinyls video for I Touch Myself is hilarious. And so telling. Ew. I just thought about that. Oh God. Ew.

Could the Chases possibly ignore their youngest child any more? I mean, she resorts to standing on her head and nothing! If they think they've got problems with Angela, wait until Danielle grows up. She's gonna be a spitfire.

"You're so beautiful, it hurts to look at you"? Worst. Line. Ever. Seriously.

I realize this is the lamest statement in the world, but I was really happy for Angela when Jordan shouted out, "Hey! I know that girl....Angela?" When your unrequited crush knows your name, it's kinda a big deal.

Cameron Crowe totally ripped off this scene for Jerry Maguire and you know what?



I don't blame him. It's beautifully shot.

So, that was the pilot. Slightly overwrought and undeniably 90s, but still pretty great. Oh...and Jordan totally has a great lean. Yeah.

Public Service Announcement

Holy shit! New Lost teaser!

Why is Hurley facedown in the water? Was he going to rescue Charlie? What was that fanged creature whose skull pops up? New Dharma station? The Scorpion, perhaps? Exploding lemons? Who's arm is that and what the hell kind of pustules are on it? A bull? Charlie?!

Yeah. February can't come quickly enough.

Baby, baby say I do...

Went to the Eagles-Giants game at the Link on Sunday and The Grinch proposed marriage to me.

Nothing says romance like Seuss, Sharpie Markers and RC Racers.

Oh and completely unrelated but I just found out that the closest Tijuana Flats is in Bensalem, PA -- about an hour away from where I am.

Now, I have to figure out how to convince Dan to travel 47.1 miles so I can procure some seriously yummy Tex-Mex. Suggestions would be much appreciated!

The Hills: When One Door Closes.

If you missed the season finale like I did last night (Dan and I watched From Hell -- great movie and further proof that anything Alan Moore does = awesome), you can check it out online here.

In the season finale, Lauren gets a second chance for international travel, Spencer and Heidi take some time apart and the episode (much like the entire season itself) proves to be spectacularly anti-climactic. I actually forgot all about the show until this morning when I realized that it was actually Tuesday and not Monday. Anyway, onto the details:

This season was definitely more whimper than bang. To sum it all up -- Audrina dated an unwashed urchin named Justin (who preferred to be called Bobby), Spencer and Heidi's sham of a relationship nauseated anyone who tuned in, Lauren wore fabulous clothes and played emotional tug-of-war with Brody Jenner and everyone drank without getting hungover. In other words -- the show is a perfect microcosm of MTV: shiny, pretty, vapid, famous for no particularly meritorious reason and shamefully addictive.

Wasn't the Paris thing faked last season? I refuse to believe that anyone would give up Paris for Jason Wahler. Hell, I wouldn't give up going to West Palm for J.Wahl and I grew up there.

Who's On Third is such a great name for a restaurant. But then again, I've always been a sucker for old school comedy -- Abbott and Costello, the Three Stooges, Laurel and Hardy. All good stuff.

The last You Look Like A Pratt of season three featured a new look for Pratt-Daddy:



Emo Spencer. The hoodie as black as his soul. The dark, brooding expression. All he needs is a little guy liner and he could be the lead singer for some third-rate punk band. Paging Fallout Boy!

God, I hope Stephanie doesn't become a major player next season. Actually, I hope I'm not still watching this show next season...but we all know I'll be both watching and blogging. Oh no. It's OK. I deserve your pity.

Gasp! Heidi has Kim lie for her?! Lying on The Hills?! My fragile world of pixie dust and glitter is crumbling around my feet.

Lauren's going to Paris! Gasp! Shock! My pixie-and-glitter dusted world is bounding back at a rate quicker than the development of Dubai.

Who can afford to run away to Paris? Lisa Love, apparently. I mean, finances aside -- there are passports and visas and all sorts of documentation to consider. You run away to your best friend or boyfriend's house. Not to a major European metropolis. I'd like to know what kind of upbringing Ms. Love had where she could just flit off to Europe without a moment's notice.

On that note, I'd give my kidney to spend some quality time in Paris. All I want to do is walk around city streets, sip cafe au lait, eat incredible baked goods and smooch my ridiculously cute fiance at random intervals.

This was the season finale?! This? Lauren goes to Paris with Whitney and Spencer and Heidi called off their wedding without a single curse word or object being flung across the room in anger?



I feel as confused as Lauren looks.

An Open Letter To Lindsay Lohan:

Lilo:

I know we've never been particularly close. I've hated all of your movies except Mean Girls (and even then, I dug Lacey Chabert and Rachel McAdams over you), your party girl ethos seems pointless and shallow and I get the feeling that if we had gone to high school together, you would have been a huge bitch to me...until you wanted help on your English term paper.

But all that aside, I've gotta tell you -- girl, you are looking fierce here.



I love that dress and am thisclose to cheating on my fiance with those gorgeous boots you're rocking.

Give me the outfit or give me the name of a place where I can get the ludicrously cheap knock-off and I promise to be nicer next time you drunkenly stumble out of some club looking like something Amy Winehouse threw up.

Hugs and kisses!

Jaime xx

P.S. -- Can you introduce me to Ron Livingston?

It's snowing!

It's snowing!

From this:







To this:








It's the first snow of the year and it's beautiful.

Bet you didn't know...

Lynn tagged me like, two weeks ago and I never responded so here we go -- seven odd facts about me.

- I feel much happier and more in control of my life when my hair is straight. It's kind of worrying how my psychological well-being is tied to my hair.

- The sound of metal scraping against metal literally brings me to my knees in agony. For some peculiar reason, it hurts my teeth.

- I hate-hate-hate having my in-betweens touched. You know that fleshy part between your fingers and toes? Ugh! That creeps me out like nothing else.

- For a good two hours today, I considered going by the name 'James.' Then, I realized that a couple of people call me this anyway and it would be ridiculous for me to change my name at the age of 24.

- The smell of bacon makes me reconsider vegetarianism. I haven't slipped up yet, but if I ever do, it'll be for a BLT.

- Stars by Hum makes me forget how to breathe.

- My favorite muppet is Gonzo. I could relate to the fact that he's a weirdo...because (as you can tell by this list), I'm a bit of a weirdo too.



(P.S. Never, ever Yahoo! Image Search for 'Gonzo' without clarifying that you're searching for the muppet. You'd be shocked at the amount of porn that shows up)

The Hills: Once A Player

Missed the episode? Head on over to MTV Overdrive to check it out.

This week: The ladies got into the Halloween spirit, She-Pratt meddled in her brother's relationship with Heidi causing even more tension and strife and Lauren and Brody played another exhausting round of emotional tug of war. Lauren is not going to be with Brody unless he reforms his philandering ways, so he either needs to do so and be with her or tell her straight up that it's not going to happen and stop stringing her along.

Oh and can we talk about his game or lack thereof? Brody is seriously going to dislocate his neck due to his wandering eyes. I thought checking out girls in front of other girls was a subtle art that took years to refine? And the beautiful eyes line? Come on, dude -- what are you? A rank amateur?

Quote of the Week: Our defending champion and possible clairvoyant, Miss Lauren Conrad for quipping, "Please, he'll couple with Frankie before me."



And like magic, Messieurs Jenner and Delgado show up dressed as the Dynamic Duo. Whitney was spot-on with her observation that this twosome were more like Siegfried and Roy because television's Batman and Robin were the biggest closet cases ever. Even more so than Ace and Gary.

I loved Lauren's flapper costume. The make-up was expertly applied and she can actually pull off dark hair very well. I'm ethnic and I don't think I could go that dark without looking ridiculous. Speaking of -- I want to dye my hair again. I'm thinking of staying with the rich chocolatey brown for now and then, when the weather gets warmer, going back to the caramel brown I love so much.

Return of the Lo! I honestly don't know why she doesn't have her own show yet. Every single girl needs a BFF she can go on a date with. Scratch that. Every girl, single or not, needs a BFF who'll tell them, "Well, I can be your boyfriend tonight."

Do I suck because I'm in love with Audrina's blue beret?



I found a knock-off at Forever XXI that will probably be making a cameo in my closet very, very soon.

J.Bob never liked to kiss? Huge red flag there. How can someone dislike kissing? I mean, I can understand it if your partner's awful (an ex of mine used to slobber like a rabid dachshund and it was truly foul) but apart from that? Next to live music, kissing is my favorite thing in the world.

You Look Like A Pratt: Usually, this is reserved for the aesthetic douchery of Spencer Pratt, but in this case, Brody Jenner gets the honors.



Flannel and backwards baseball cap? 1993 was fifteen years ago, dude and it didn't look good back then. To quote the great philosopher Cher Horowitz, "So okay, I don't want to be a traitor to my generation and all but I don't get how guys dress today. I mean, come on. It looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair - ew - and cover it up with a backwards cap and like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so."

The Fight: Pre-wedding jitters lead to a blow-out between Heidi and Spencer in which Spencer acted like a seven-year-old and mimicked Heidi in a high-pitched and thoroughly annoying voice. If you're still using this tactic to win debates, you seriously need to reconsider getting married. It didn't work when you were seven and it's not going to work now. Getting married at the age of 21 is a bad idea. Getting married at the age of 21 to a complete assbag like Pratt-Daddy? It's suicide.

And on a final, somewhat lighter note -- you've gotta feel bad for Britney in Canada. 'Britney Canada Whore' is hardly an affectionate term of endearment.

Next week: The season finale in which Spencer and Heidi's relationship is on the rocks and Whitney gets the chance to hit Paris once again.

Sweet beautiful drunk talk

I've got this odd habit of talking while I'm asleep. Random, disconnected flotsam that springs up apropos of nothing.

I'll be fast asleep and all of sudden, I'll find myself in a middle of a conversation.

At first, Dan was a little weirded out by it, but now, he finds it hilarious and has taken to seeing how far he can wind me up before I actually wake up.

Some gems from the past couple of months:

- "But you know, Rolling Stone magazine has never given Krusty the Clown a fair shake..."

Jaime: The ad campaign isn't very good....
Dan: What? What ad campaign?
[I wake up all of a sudden]
Jaime: Ad campaign? What the hell are you talking about?
[Dan looks bemused...again]

Jaime: Do you think the Batdance will be in the new movie?
Dan: Huh? Oh. Well, what do you think?
Jaime: I think it would be interesting but I can't see Christian Bale doing it.
[Dan starts laughing and I wake up with a start]
Jaime: Huh?! What? Why are you laughing?

Talking while I'm asleep. I always knew that characterization of me as Little Miss Chatterbox was spot-on.

An Open Letter To Britney's Handlers:

In response to news that Britney Spears may be pregnant again, I present a very simple concept:

+ ≠

Next time you're at Starbucks, order her a Grande three pump vanilla no fat no whip Yazacchino.

Humanity will thank you.

Daddy, Does God Have Feet?

Earlier this week, I watched two five-month old babies and their respective three-year-old siblings. The kids were remarkably well-behaved and I had a great time with them, but dear Lord - children are exhausting.

Things I learned from babysitting four children all under the age of four:

1) Don't do that.
2) Dora The Explorer is on all the time and if you watch more than an hour of the show, you will begin to hate immigrants.
3) Food going in is not proportionate to food coming out. Poop completely defies the laws of physics.
4) Little boys eat toxic waste. That's the only explanation for them being so smelly.
5) My nieces are ridiculously cute and as Dana Carvey said, the power of their cuteness does indeed heal everything.



Case in point? After making mac 'n cheese for lunch, Liv turns to me and says, "Aunt Jaime -- this was the best lunch ever."

Yeah. If this kid wants a pony for Christmas, she's getting one.

Following the encounter, I actually called Paps to apologize for my childhood. If I had to deal with me as a youngster, I would have thrown my younger self through a wall on numerous occasions and suffered from multiple heart attacks on a daily basis.

If I wasn't attempting to land myself in the emergency room (smashing head-first into a brick wall, pouring bubble mix into my eye, sliding across my grandparents' bed, coming an inch of slamming head-first into the radiator), I was talking. Incessantly. To anyone in a 20-foot radius.

Apparently, 'Stranger Danger' meant nothing to me and if that was worrisome in the 80s, can you imagine how terrifying it'll be ten years from now?

I watch To Catch A Predator. I know what kind of sick bastards are out there.

I don't know how parents do it. My sister and I were pretty good kids, but worrying about outside factors alone would drive anyone to drink. The fact that my parents aren't full-blown alcoholics amazes me.

On that note -- call your mom today. Tell her you love her and apologize for everything you ever did as a child. Her reaction will be priceless. Trust me.

And completely unrelated but plug-worthy nevertheless: The Namesake is finally out on DVD. Check out the movie and definitely read the book. Gorgeously written and alternately heart-breaking and heart-healing. Also, Kal Penn's kinda dreamy, if you're into that sort of thing (I myself, am not because Penn resembles every single one of my male cousins and that borders on creepy).

The Hills: A Night At The Opera

Check the show out online here.

This week, we met another member of the Pratt clan and Audrina finally got a clue and broke it off with Justin-Bobby.

Apparently, the Pratts spawned several tow-headed offspring and this week, we got to meet Spencer's sister, Stephanie or as Lauren called her, "She-Pratt." [She-Pratt (n): Also known as Stephanie, sibling of Spencer. Blonde banshee found trolling the Los Angeles area trying desperately to gain some notoriety by picking fights with MTV reality stars].

The aesthetic similarities by Heidi and Stephanie kinda freaked me out. She-Pratt is beer-goggles version of Heidi and your typical wing-man nightmare. If I was a dude and had to take that for the team, my buddy would have to keep me in blow and beer for a whole year to make up for it.

The doorway to Opera resembles either a Michael Bay movie or the Puffy/Nas video for Hate Me Now. Neither of which I'd particularly like to associate myself with.

"Just stop being mean girls?" First of all, Roxy is a prostitute's name. Secondly, who the hell is Roxy? The juxtaposition of a statement that juvenile coupled with her tranny-esque features made me wish I was friends with Rob Zombie so I could call him and say I had found the star for his next horror flick.

Much like her toolbox brother, She-Pratt is down with the Dark Side and shares the same Sith Lord mentality -- "When you hate my brother, I hate you." For the last time, Siths never prosper. It didn't work for Vader, it didn't work for Maul, it didn't work for Sidious and it's not working for George W. Bush. Let go of the absolutes and come hang out in the light.

Speaking of Star Wars, what was up with Justin Bobby rocking a Jedi-look? If he thought it would help him mind-trick Audrina while he was scamming with other girls? Well, let's just say neither the Force nor the intelligence is with him.

You Look Like A Pratt: Now, I realize this space is usually reserved for the facial follies of the Prattmeister, but due to my utterly sophomoric sense of humor, I just couldn't resist this:



Heidi's gaping maw. The picture practically Photoshops itself.

Now onto the break up:

"What do you need from me?" Did Justin-Bobby really ask this question 'cause there are a litany of answers -- I need you to stop feeding me bullshit. I need you to stop kissing other girls. I need you to stop being one person when you're alone with me and a complete other when you'rearound your friends. I need you to be my boyfriend but above all -- I need you to take an effing shower.

Broken relationships should be dealt with like broken bones -- clean and quick or they'll never heal properly. Here's to hoping Audrina moves on and we never see nor hear from J.Bob again.

Quote of the Week: She-Pratt came out swinging for the fences and actually picked up this week's distinction with her characterization of (Brody's bro and tertiary character) Frankie Delgado as, "a wannabe Wilmer Valderrama." It may seem like a harsh characterization, but remember that Valderrama also managed to score Mandy Moore and pre-trainwreck Lindsey Lohan. There are worse people to be compared to.

And finally, when did Stephanie become Heidi's BFF? Doesn't that dubious distinction go to Jen Bunney?

NEXT WEEK: She-Pratt causes tension between Spencer and Heidi and Audrina re-enters the dating world. I'm on the edge of my seat already.

In football news:

The Dolphins continue their season-long streak of breaking my heart, but unlike some fair-weather fans, I still bleed orange and teal. If nothing else, we'll have a killer draft pick and obilterate the competition next year.

Pop Quiz:

The New England Patriots can:

A) Suck it.
B) Suck it long.
C) Suck it hard.
D) All of the above.

The correct answer, of course, is D.

The Pats played the Eagles this weekend (they're my Zahara team -- after moving to the Philly suburbs, I adopted them) and after the game, Tom Brady was braying (like the ass he is) about the 31-28 win. Listen, peckerhead. When you're an 11-0 team, a 31-28 win is hardly something to be proud of.

Every time I watch the Pats play, I find myself wishing someone would tackle this assbag and then, step on his head. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm keeping the faith.

The Hills: With This Ring

Missed the episode? Check it out online here. If you caught it, let's discuss:

This week, Heidi and Spencer got into their 'first big fight' (errm, didn't this already happen when Spencer ejected Heidi from his car last season?) over wedding plans and Whitney went on a date with everyone's favorite personal trainer, Jarett.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong but when Jarett made a cameo earlier this season, he was portrayed as a gym-rat idiot who spent entirely too much time hanging out with a dude who waxed philosophical about $0.40 vintage tees. Audrina knows this. Lauren knows this so why would they advocate Whitney dating someone like this? Do they not like Whitney?

Speaking of Miss Port, I'm glad her social life is actually being highlighted. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear that Lisa Love kept her chained to her desk in case of some dire fashion emergency.

Because I'm a 14-year-old boy trapped inside the body of a 24-year-old girl, I thought Big Wang's was the greatest name for a bar ever. Also adding to my sophomoric glee? The fact that the eatery offers a dish called the Dirty Sanchez (a jalapeño and cheddar hot dog topped with chili and more cheddar. Definitely sounds like the culinary equivalent of the act, doesn't it?).

Now that we've effectively wrapped up the sub-plot, let's get into the meat of this week's episode -- Heidi and Spencer trying to plan a wedding.

I can't believe they're still fighting about it, either. I mean, dear Lord, Spencer. Cabo? Vegas? Dude, you're getting married, not spending a weekend with your bros.

Oh and, "just tell me what day to be there?" Unacceptable answer. If Dan said that, I would punch him in the larynx. Women, for the most part, understand men. We understand that you don't ooh-and-ahh over china and we're not asking you to. We just want a couple of honest opinions because we're both in this thing together.

And speaking of china -- Heidi, could you be more tacky? The only way you can justify owning china with names on it is if your name is either Kate Spade or Royal Doulton. (I own Kate Spade china, by the way and it's pink and green and just fabulous). And a crown? Two kinds of girls wear crowns -- three-year-olds playing dress-up and spoilt, pretentious super sweet sixteens. Though she intellectually fits both profile, I can categorically state that Miss Montag is neither a toddler nor a sixteen-year-old. Therefore, a crown would be a terrible accessory.

Was anyone else shocked that Pratt-Daddy didn't self-immolate or at least start smoking a bit when he set foot in the church?

And did anyone else notice that Spencer doesn't walk so much as he oozes into a room?

I don't often agree so vehemently with Heidi, but Blondie had a serious point here. I don't care if he rented EVERY honeymoon suite in Vegas. If a girl says she doesn't want to elope, then packing her bags and planning to whisk her off to Vegas will result in fail of epic proportions.

Which brings us to our Quote of the Week. It doesn't happen often but every now and then, Heidi's brain and mouth connect and she says something intelligent: "This isn't like, Spencer's relationship and you decide what we do." Valley-Girl speak aside, Miss Montag made a pretty salient point. A relationship is comprised of compromise and I don't think Pratt-Daddy quite understands that concept.

This week's You Look Like A Pratt is more proof that Spencer is incredibly aptly named. Introducing Spencer Douchenozzle Mimsy de Prattfeather:

He manages to be both waspy and waspish. What a winning combination.

In conclusion, Heidi and Spencer are idiots. You would think of everyone in this world, these two dolts would realize that once MTV starts interfering in your relationship -- your relationship is doomed to fail. Nick and Jessica. Carmen and Dave. Shanna and Travis. These are not politicians or academic scholars or anyone of remote importance -- these are celebrities. People Pratt-Daddy and Heidi actually know about and understand. MTV meddling = inevitable crash-and-burn of relationship.

Next week: We meet more of the Pratt clan. Spencer has a sister? Dub?!

On and totally unrelated, but I am seriously jonesing for a Coke Slurpee.

The Hills: Forgive and Forget

Yes, I realize I'm a day late with this week's recap, but I have good reason.

Yesterday, Dan and I trooped down to Philly to have my biometrics done. In simpler terms -- I got fingerprinted for my work authorization permit and green card! We also spent some quality time at Reading Terminal Market -- home of the world's best brownies courtesy of the Flying Monkey Patisserie and had an All-American lunch at the Melrose Diner. No wonder Philadelphia was voted the fattest city in the country -- there is so much good food here.

Anyway, moving on: if you missed the show too, you can make like me and check it out online here.

This week, Heidi vs. Lauren -- the Thrilla at the Hollywood Villas. The girls finally come face to face (again) and air out their grievances.

Heidi and Lauren ran into each other at a Declare Yourself event -- essentially, a really well-promoted voter registration drive. That being said, I wonder how many cast members are actually registered to vote?

Dreads, Justin-Bobby? Really? Unless you're Rastafari, dreads are nothing more than the easiest way to stop washing your hair. And the burping? Seriously nauseating. I'm hardly little miss prim-and-proper, but that was just foul.

LOVED the look on Lauren's face when Heidi came sauntering up. Without saying a word, she communicated, "Bitch, even you can't be this stupid."



How awkward do you think that scene was for Whitney and Kim? I mean, by this point I'm sure Whitney is used to Heidi's histronics, but Kim? Just kinda stood there clutching her drink and feeling completely out of place.

And that first meeting brings us to our Quote of the Week in which Lauren tells Heidi: "Having your boyfriend do your dirty work doesn't make you innocent." Guilty by association. Now, in most cases -- I would refute this, but when it comes to Speidi? I'm taking Lauren's side. What kind of asshole best friend sits idly by while her boyfriend spreads malicious lies?

Speaking of Pratt-Daddy, it 's time for this week's edition of You Look Like A Pratt!. This week, Spencer unveiled 'Old Yeller' -- the bared teeth, the fluffy blonde mop and the frenzied rabid expression. The only difference between the pooch and the Pratt? The dog used to be lovable at one point.



Love Chiara (even though she sounds like a tertiary character on Thundercats) because she repeatedly shut down any of Audrina's plans to meet up with J.Bob.

Now, onto the confrontation -- Heidi bought flowers, commented on how pretty the apartment was and skirted her way around whether she and Spencer were responsible for the sex tape scandal. Lauren said she wanted to forgive and forget Miss Montag. Hardly Ali versus Frazer. Heidi seems incredibly lonely and desperate to regain Lauren's friendship but Lauren's not having any of it. Why should she? Trust is fundamental to any relationship and when the trust disappears, so does the relationship.

Next week: A timely recap featuring Heidi and Spencer's wedding planning. I wonder who MTV is planning to cast as the officiant. I say, bring back Richard Grieco. I mean, he rocked on 21 Jump Street.

Another bright spot for the resume

I can now add published photographer to my illustrious list of accomplishments (pop culture junkie, blogger, published writer and little girl who can eat a remarkable amount of pizza being the most impressive. I'm not a very accomplished individual).

Schmap.com published my photograph of the Pennsylvania Convention Center and you can check it out here.

Guess that photography class I took in college paid off after all :)

Oh and a congratulations to my dad and uncle who won the Tallahassee Chamber of Commerce's Drycleaner of the Year award. Good job, guys! Keep cleaning my stuff for free :)

You know, if I said something like that, you'd call me a snob.

Last night, I asked Dan to DVR The Hills and as usual, he sighed and begrudgingly did so, but not before commenting -- "How can you like this show? You've got such good taste in everything else."

That got me thinking.

For a while now, I've been the 'Music Girl' -- a walking VH1 special.

Whenever Pepe gets an ear-worm, he calls me and warbles off-key and I, in turn, tell him the song that's been stuck in his head for the past week and a half. I know which movie Bob Dylan wrote Knockin' On Heaven's Door for (Pat Garrett and Billy The Kid) and who the Foo Fighters' In Your Honor is allegedly dedicated to (John Kerry). I know it was a red snapper and not a mudshark at the Edgewater Inn on July 27, 1969 and I also know that the 'G' in G. Love stands for 'Good.'

I've always felt like a bit of a fraud, though.

Everyone thinks I'm this music aficionado but my taste is so incredibly populist. My favorite song in the world is Wild Horses by The Rolling Stones. It's not some B-side Elvis Costello gem or a track from some indie band who are so cool that they don't even exist yet. It's one of the Stones' most famous tracks and has been covered by everyone from Jewel to Guns 'N Roses to the Flying Burrito Brothers.

So, how about some opinions -- Is populist necessarily bad? Does having good taste mean being a snob?

Expand this to all facets of life, not just music. Does preferring Chunky Monkey over Tarte Tatin with Crème Anglaise make your opinions on food any less valid? Is being a Brett Ratner fan a greater offense than being a Wes Anderson fan (Well...this one's somewhat true. Ratner's a schmuck)?

Let me know what you think. Oh and let me know what your favorite song, dessert and director are too.

The Hills: Young Hollywood

If you missed it or just feel like destroying braincells, you can watch last night's episode online here.

This week's episode was another quiet one, despite the fact that both Heidi's 21st birthday and the Teen Vogue Young Hollywood party were central to the storyline. You think the writers for this show went on strike long before the rest of the WGA did?

Completely beyond me is the fact that MTV edited the show to make it seem like Miss Montag had a quiet 21st birthday when in actuality, she spent it at Los Angeles hotspot LAX (also known DJ Am's digs) bleating out her new single. There's even video of the musical massacre.



Firstly, Heidi. Hire a choreographer, stat. Having a seizure to music does not constitute as dancing and secondly, I realize MTV is on par with the Bush administration when it comes to deception and trickery, but come on. I may watch The Hills, but I'm not that stupid.

Speaking of Heidi, you know how I'm constantly coveting her job? Changed my mind! I want Audrina's job. I had completely forgotten that she worked for Epic Records. I would love to work for a record label. Especially one like Epic whose talent roster includes AC/DC, Pearl Jam and Ben Folds. The schmoozing and drinking with musicians would be nice, but I'd much rather work in the background. Hell, I'd edit copy on lyric sheets and go on coffee runs if it meant a job at a label.

Oh and in case you're wondering -- the Naughty Schoolgirl cocktail Audrina ordered at One consists of Stoli Raz, lemonade, a raspberry sugar rim and a lollypop garnish. But, education doesn't come cheap. If you want to down one of these luscious libations, be prepared to pony up $13 per drink.

The tension between Justin-Bobby and the dude from The Ruse was hilarious. I realize that our boy Bobby hardly qualifies as a loquacious lothario, but what the hell does, "she's a good girl" really even mean? Does it mean that you're dating her or does it mean that Miss Patridge won't hop on the good foot and do the bad thing? I'm not saying the dude from The Ruse was a great catch, but JB is an anchor dragging down the good ship Audrina.

And the topic of lousy significant others leads us directly to this week's edition of You Look Like A Pratt!

We've seen the 'Bitch, I'mma Brain You' face. We've seen 'The Beavis.' And this week, Pratt-Daddy revealed another fascinating facet of his glowing personality. The Attentive Boyfriend.



Note the lovelight in Pratt-Daddy's eyes as he tenderly caresses the keypad on his iPhone. Listen, Admiral Douchenozzle. I realize you just dropped what probably qualifies as a tuition payment on Heidi's Chanel Bag, but dude, put away the phone and spend some time actually talking to your fiance.

Quote of the Week: There is no QOTW this week, ladies and gentlemen. Remember, you're watching The Hills, not House.

Next Week: Heidi and Lauren meet to make up! Unless someone really goes for the gold, I've already got next week's Quote of the Week lined up. Lauren telling Heidi -- "I want to forgive you and I want to forget you."

Smart girl, that Lauren. I just wish I had the intelligence to have told my exes the same thing.

The Hills: Stress and the City

If you didn't Tivo the episode, you can either wait for a rerun or catch it online.

This week's episode featured Spencer trying to kiss and make up with Brody while Whitney and Lauren headed to New York City to pitch the Teen Vogue Young Hollywood party. You'd think a bi-coastal episode would be fairly action packed. You'd think wrong. A common complain of the show now is that nothing happens. Lauren wears cute clothes, Spencer and Heidi incite nausea and everyone drinks without getting sloppy or hungover. Where's the fun in that?

Anyway, onto the episode:

Holding a Teen Vogue party in a Catholic church might just be the worst idea ever. Firstly, half the guests would immolate as they walked through the door and secondly, you know someone's going to get hammered and use the font in a completely in appropriate manner. And the suggestions of hiding the confessionals/using them as photobooths? I'm not religious in the least, but that just seems in bad taste. Speaking of the Catholic Church and bad taste, Ms. Spears is at it again. Pissing off the Catholics is a great way to sell records. Just ask Madonna -- she did it twenty years ago. Between the child molestation scandal and dwindling attendance, I think the church has got bigger fish to fry.

God, I want to live in New York. Every episode of Sex and the City, every movie with New York City as a backdrop (especially when the movie features a couple wandering around Manhattan at some ungodly hour) intensifies this desire even further. Then I realize that there's no way I'd be able to afford an apartment any bigger than a postage stamp and my dreams come crashing back to reality.

Judging by what I saw on the show, people involved in the fashion industry don't emote. Ever. And on the rare occasion that they do, it's creepy.

Which brings us to our Quote of the Week: Lauren gets this week's honor -- "I'm gonna go give Lisa Love a hug...and then run away because I'm afraid of what she'll do to me." Fashionistas are frightening. I guess a diet of coffee, cigarettes and vodka will do that to you.

And that leads us nicely into to this week's edition of You Look Like A Pratt! Usually, our weekly picks come straight from the show but since it's Halloween, I figured we'd go with something especially terrifying -- Douchebag Spidey (Speidi?).




I see a trick but am unsure where the treat would be in all this. Little hint, it's definitely not in his pants. Pratt-Daddy, I don't need to know what religion you are, so how's about throwing on a pair of boxers in public, huh? Thanks.

In one fell swoop, Pratt-Daddy has managed to completely desecrate one of the world's most beloved superheroes. Stan Lee, Steve Ditko and Tobey Maguire should get together and pummel this guy black and blue...or at least set Kraven the Hunter on his trail.

Next week: The Teen Vogue Young Hollywood party! Heidi's 21st birthday! Another half-an hour wrenched from my life that I will never get back!

Adventures in Dress Shopping As Told Through Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down

Thumbs Up: Decide to go to dress shopping. Frocks made me happy.
Thumbs Down: Decide to go dress shopping. Trying on numerous items and scrutinizing my every last flaw in a mirror? Not so much.

Thumbs Up: Find cute dress at Forever XXI. After the red dress fiasco of 2007, this is reason to celebrate.
Thumbs Down: I'm not busty enough for said dress. Let me reiterate -- I do not fill out the bust of this dress (Hi. I'm Jaime. I'm 4'11" tall, weight 100 lbs and have a 32D chest. Even an atheist can see that God is mocking me here).

Thumbs Up: Leave Forever XXI mumbling curses under my breath. This gets a thumbs-up because I am no longer surrounded by inept employees or ear-bleedingly awful techno music.
Thumbs Down: Leave Forever XXI dress-less.

Thumbs Up: Enter Charlotte Russe, having been seduced by huge sale banners. HALLELUJAH! Find a super-cute black and white polka dot frock in my size!
Thumbs Up: It's on sale!
Thumbs Up: It's on sale for $4.50!!!!! (For me, this was like waking up in the morning and finding a decaf skinny vanilla latte on the nightstand and John Krasinski soaping up in the shower. For you, this might be an orange juice, a smoothie, a nice cup of tea, Krasinski, David Beckham, Jennifer Aniston or my fiance's personal favorite, Kristen Bell).
Thumbs Up: It fits!!!
Thumbs Down: The zipper is broken.
Thumbs Down: The zipper is broken to the degree that I can't fix it.
Thumbs Down: The zipper is broken in such a way that I can't MacGyver the dress together via a complicated pastiche of safety pins and fabric tape.
Thumbs Down: Face the inevitability of leaving yet another store, dress-less. Face the inevitability of not purchasing a ridiculously cute dress for a ridiculously low price.

Thumbs Up: Call Paps and ask him how much it costs to have a zipper fixed (He's in the business. He'd know).
Thumbs Up: Paps says not to worry about it and to mail the dress to him where he will not only fix the broken zipper, but also have my dress cleaned and pressed.
Thumbs Up: Being a drycleaner's daughter is awesome. Being Paps' daughter? Even more so.

I won't be able to wear the cute new frock to the wedding tomorrow, but I've got my stand-by dresses available and they should suffice (Stand-By Dresses: A black Donna Karan and a my pink 'Jackie-O' dress -- always appropriate and always flattering).

Lesson of the story: Be nice to your drycleaner.

Oh and why do I think I like Pumpkin Spice Lattes when I hate pumpkin pie?

The 'Lord, Beer Me Strength' List

For the most part, I am a pretty cheerful individual. Chipper, even. So much so that I'm sure people wonder if I am, in fact, under the influence of mood-altering drugs (I'm not).

But every now and then, you have one of those days. Like that piece of popcorn stuck in your back tooth, it annoys you mercilessly. Today is that day and here are my little pieces of popcorn:

+ Organizing Dan's mp3 collection. I offered to do it and will be glad when it's all done, but it's a Sisyphian labor. Every time I think I'm done, there's more music to organize. Making the task doubly vexatious? The fact that I'm anal-retentive when it comes to spelling, grammar and music minutiae. I find myself triple-checking information more than anyone ever should. Lord, beer me strength.

+ The weather. A drop of rain hits the windshield and people morph into morons. Morons who seem to have never even seen the inside of a vehicle before, much less driven one. Lord, beer me strength.

+ and finally, Forever 21 employees and the fact that they have the intellectual capacity of Swiss cheese.

Dan and I are attending a wedding on Saturday. I saw this dress online and figured I'd pick it up for the event. It's cute, it's on sale and if I get it in red, it'll match Dan's tie. I call my local Forever 21 store, located in Exton. The lady in Exton tells me to call their King of Prussia location. The lady at King of Prussia tells to call their sister store (Heritage -- also at KoP) as it is not technically a Forever 21 product (despite being labeled thusly on the website). So,I call Heritage and the charming employee tells me that the dress in question is a Forever 21 product and therefore, not in stock at her store. I am not trying to purchase weapons-grade plutonium. All I want is this dress in a small size and the color red. Lord, beer me strength.

The Hills: No More Mr. Nice Guy

Missed last night's episode? You can either wait for a reruns airing on MTV today or you can check it out here. Isn't technology great?

On this week's episode --Lauren goes on a date with a model and Spencer reminds the world that he's an infantile douche. Another somewhat quiet episode. Every week, I watch this show and wait for fireworks and every week, I'm let down. By this point, we all know the show is scripted, so how about livening things up a little, MTV? Get the Melrose Place writers onboard and let the insanity commence. Audrina and Whitney have a lingerie catfight in the pool (and male viewership skyrockets), Heidi fakes her own death and then, returns with a vengeance to blow up Hillside Villas and Spencer....well, Spencer really wouldn't have to do anything differently. His entire life seems to be a cheesy night-time soap.

Just a suggestion, MTV.

Anyway, let's move on:

According to Brody, Lauren's got a thing for bad boys. Most women seem to flirt with the idea of this archetype during some point in their lives and most regain their senses and realize that bad boys are like multiple shots of tequila at Happy Hour. It's not a long-term investment -- you're merely renting until they makes you sick and must be expelled at all costs .

Lauren's date du jour, Gavin was not a bad boy. I'd define him more as 'Generic Pretty Boy.'



He's cute in that clean-cut Abercrombie sort of way and nice enough, but ultimately forgettable. Better luck next time, kid.

If he wasn't a model, I'd feel kinda bad for the guy. I'm a champion of nice guys (both my best friend and my fiance fall into that category) and hate that they always seem to get the shaft. Ladies, put down the jerk and find yourself a nice guy. The one who makes you laugh instead of making you feel like crap. The one who holds your hand in public and tells you that you're beautiful instead of grunting that you're 'hot' and considers that acceptable foreplay. Trust me --nice guys are the way to go (by the way, my best friend is not only single, but totally adorable, on his way to med school and knows how to make the best pineapple-upside-down cake ever. I'm just saying).

I really hope that Kimberly is the new 'Elodie' and snakes Heidi's job. In two minutes, she proved that she was a much more capable employee than Heidi has in three seasons of working at Bolthouse.

Quote of the Week: This week's episode had a couple of interesting little quips but the grand prize goes to the ever-fabulous Miss Lo who chimed in with this little gem: "I love passing judgment on people!"

Me too! And I'm so good at it. It's a shame I can't list it under 'skills' on my resume.

Also worthy of a little recognition? The receptionist at Bolthouse (Kimberly, perhaps?) when she asked Spencer, "And you are....?" That must have dinged Pratt-Daddy's ego a little and finally, Heidi zinging her fiance by saying, ""Oh, I'll be at work. Why don't you try it?"

Them's fighting words, Miss Montag, but you do bring up a good point -- how does Pratt-Daddy earn his ducats? Life in Los Angeles (like in any urban metropolis) isn't cheap.

And that brings us to another edition of You Look Like A Pratt:

Although this week's episode featured Spencer resembling a very hairy Gerber Baby, this picture was too good to pass up:


[Photo Credit: Just Jared]

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Peter Peter Pumpkin Passer. 'Cause that's what it looks like he's trying to do -- pass a pumpkin like a gallstone....and you know what, I think he might just be able to do it.

Next week: Spencer and Brody consider kissing-and-making-up, the Teen Vogue interns spend some quality time in New York City and I once again lust after Lo's aviators and really wish I could pull off that look.

Surprise Chocolate Chip Cookies

Every now and then, I get a little cocky and start thinking I can emulate the chefs on the Food Channel. Usually, this results in two phone calls -- one to the fire department and one to the local pizza place, but every now and then, I get something right.

Like Surprise Chocolate Chip Cookies. Named so because:

A) I figured it would be a nice surprise for Dan to come home and find fresh-baked cookies waiting for him (the weather's miserable, his car window's messed up and this week has seriously dragged ass. I figured the guy deserved a little pick-me-up).
B) I was planning on making sugar cookies and then, surprise! I found a bag of chocolate chips in the pantry!

So, to make a batch of Surprise Chocolate Chip Cookies, you will need:



Flour, baking soda, baking powder, sugar, an egg, butter, vanilla extract and chocolate chips (not pictured because I hadn't found them yet).

You will also need to pre-heat your oven to 375°F and follow this recipe:



(A much more legible version can be found below)

First, you mix the flour, baking soda and baking powder together in a small bowl. Once you're done with that, set the bowl aside.



Grab another bigger bowl and in that, mix the sugar and butter. Note: smashing butter into sugar is actually a pretty tough task, so you can use this opportunity to take out all of your pent-up frustration.



Next, add an egg.



And some vanilla extract.



Mix the wet ingredients together and slowly start adding the dry ingredients (flour, baking powder and baking soda).



Discover that you have chocolate chips in the pantry and rejoice!



Ignore the fact that I look like Marty Feldman (Igor) from Young Frankenstein.



Add chocolate chips to mix.



Resist urge to shove entire gob of chocolate chip cookie dough in mouth.



Hand-roll cookies into bite sized blobs and place on baking sheet.



Bake for 11-15 minutes (or more, depending on how dark you like your cookies). Watch American Beauty on HBO while waiting. Fall in love with Thomas Newman's score all over again. Wonder why Peter Gallagher looked so bad in this movie, but so good on The O.C. Decide it's the hair. It's gotta be that hair.



When the timer dings, remove cookies from oven and let stand on sheet for two minutes.



Place cookies on a plate and enjoy!



Serving suggestion: Tall glass of cold milk.

As promised, here's the less graphic account of my culinary adventures:

INGREDIENTS

2 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1 cup butter, softened
1 1/2 cups white sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
6 oz. chocolate chips (about half a small bag)

DIRECTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. In a small bowl, stir together flour, baking soda, and baking powder. Set aside.

2. In a large bowl, cream together the butter and sugar until smooth. Beat in egg and vanilla. Gradually blend in the dry ingredients and chips. Roll rounded teaspoonfuls of dough into balls, and place onto ungreased cookie sheets.

3. Bake 11-15 minutes in the preheated oven, or until golden. Let stand on cookie sheet two minutes before removing to cool on wire racks.

Yields approx. 35 cookies.