Suck it, Jesus. This award is my God now.

The Golden Globe nominations came out this morning and the Hollywood Foreign Press Association continues its age-long tradition of honoring mediocrity and crap. Hey, it works for government, why not the film and television industry?

My biggest grievance is the fact that Lost has been overlooked. Again.

Hollywood Foreign Press, I demand that you explain this fuckery at once. Season four of Lost was the best season to date. Writing as sharp as an Olsen's clavicle, a plot that continues to perplex, heart-wrenching emotion (The Constant is my favorite episode of the show because of how emotionally fulfilling it is. I've waited for the last five minutes of that show ever since I learned about Desmond and Penny. Hands-down, one of the best hours of television ever filmed. Vying for second best? Angel. Season five - A Hole In The World. Tragic, bittersweet and beautiful. Check it out:



In addition to this, a flawless performance by Michael Emerson. His portrayal of Ben Linus was alternately funny and terrifying...unlike nominee Jeremy Piven's portrayal of agent Ari Gold, a one-trick pony who needs to be put out to pasture.

My other major gripe -- Weeds' nomination for Best Series - Comedy or Musical. The season was awful. The show no longer retains any of its initial charm -- my two favorite characters have disappeared (Heylia and Conrad) as has the great title music and Nancy's gone from cool suburban mom to Whoretense the Hobag. Crap like this gets award nominations while great shows like Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip are axed. There's no justice in the world.

As for the rest of the nominations, here's a brief rundown of my thoughts:

- Heath Ledger's nomination for The Joker was no surprise, but I'm annoyed that neither The Dark Knight nor Christopher Nolan received any nods. Hopefully this will be rectified come Oscar season.

- Being an old-school pro-wrestling fan (don't hate. I grew up in the 80s. Besides, the insanity of the modern day Ultimate Warrior and Iron Sheik is hilarious. See what happens when you take one too many superkicks to the head?), I'm really excited to see The Wrestler. In addition to Darren Aronofsky's direction, the film is being touted as Mickey Rourke's comeback and the title track is performed by Bruce Springsteen. Sounds pretty great, but don't listen to me. Check out the trailer for yourself:



- Miley Cyrus should never be nominated for anything ever. Unless it's a rocketship headed straight for the sun or perhaps mandatory sterilization for the good of mankind.

- It took this long for Spielberg to get a lifetime achievement award? I wonder who'll be the one presenting it -- Tom Hanks? Harrison Ford? George Lucas? Martin Scorcese? Or maybe this guy:



As if Dawson Leery's life wasn't bad enough, the poor bastard will forever be immortalized looking like this. Man, that's rough.

A complete list of all nominations can be found here. What did you think of the nominations? Who do you think will win? Let's discuss!

I am not responsible for Dream Feeny!

I once had a dream in which The Best Friend was a complete jerk to me. I woke up angry at him and treated him thusly by shooting him dirty looks and making him suffer through the silent treatment. Bewildered by my simmering rage, he asked what was wrong and I told him.

"You've been mad at me all day about that?! That's insane! I have no control over your dreams!"

"Whatever, dude," I said countering with an obviously brilliant argument. "You were an asshole."

"You're being an asshole now! And we're both awake!"

Damn him and his use of logic.

Anyway, the situation resolved itself relatively quickly and everything went back to normal.

Two nights ago, I had a dream about Ron Livingston.


I'll take things I'd hit like a bag of hammers for $800, Alex....

Usually, I'm a big fan of these dreams for obvious reasons but this last one? Yeah, not so much. Dream Livingston was such a jerk! He spilled hot coffee on me and basically acted like a frat boy, the morning after.

I woke up and told Dan about this. Usually when I tell Dan about these dreams, his eyes narrow, his hand balls up into a fist and he shakes it at the sky while yelling, "Damn you, Livingston!" but this time, he burst out in raucous, gleeful laughter.

Yet another reason I'm glad I'll never meet the guy. 'Cause if I do, I'll be the asshole who blurts out, "Man, you were such a dick in my dream!"

In news that detracts from the fact that I am utterly unhinged:

Top Chef's fifth season premiered last night. As par for the course, it's still a little too early to tell who the fan favorites will be but I'm guessing Richard's a pretty strong contender. I can respect anyone who discloses a crush on Tom Colicchio.

As for the other cheftestants, they seem fairly interesting but I can't see anyone bringing the drama like Marcel and Ilan did in season two.

Ilan: You know what's really funny, Marcel? The first day I got here, I've been wanting to smack you across the face. Why don't you fucking go to a new school, learn some shit, go to France, go to Spain, go travel, go relax, go learn how to use some fucking salt, paprika, come back to me, you know, come to New York, maybe I'll show you how to cook a little bit? I'll show you how to grill something. But until then, shut the fuck up, keep making your foams and go cry in a corner!

Cooking is serious business, y'all.

90210: We're Not In Kansas Anymore/The Jet Set

When I first heard that 90210 was coming back, I was equal parts excited and leery.

Excited because I dig shows about pretty people with problems. Add gobs of cash to the equation and it's ratings gold. As a wise philosopher once said, "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems."

I was leery because there is no way this new incarnation could have been nearly as awesome as the Spelling soap. Dylan's dad dying in a car explosion, Donna Martin graduates! Kelly's insanely tumultuous life, Tiffani Thiessen casting off the Kelly Kapowski shackles and slipping into her new role as bad girl, Valerie Malone -- how can new 90210 possibly compete?

But, the more I learned about it -- the more I started to change my mind. A huge plus was the fact that Rob Thomas (not him) is involved in the development of the show. Thomas also developed Veronica Mars and if 90210 is half as clever, I've got high hopes.

Add to that the return of Jennie Garth, Shannen Doherty (best frenemies ever) and Joe E. Tata and you've got what constitutes as required viewing.

Let's meet 90210's finest, shall we?

Harry (Rob Estes): West Beverly High's new principal and patriarch of the Wilson clan. He's ruggedly handsome, has the body of a twentysomething athlete and in the first episode, we find out that he's got an adopted son he never knew about until now! Awesome.

Debbie (Lori Loughlin): Aunt Becky is back and she's still smoking hot. Again, Loughlin finds herself playing the sweetheart from the heartland trying to reconcile the differences between Midwestern values and a glam Los Angeles lifestyle.

Annie (Shanae Grimes): The anti-Brenda, Annie's kind of dorky and doe-eyed. She's also irritatingly unaware of her waify sex appeal. Imagine an emaciated Miley Cyrus but with better teeth. Grimes and Loughlin actually resemble one another, so this was great casting.



Dixon (Tristan Wilds): The Wilsons' adopted son. He plays lacrosse, he feels like he doesn't fit in and I'm not too sure what to make of him just yet. His character prompted the following conversation between Dan and I:

Dan: Bet you the black kid will be written off the show. He's boring.
Jaime: They can't write him off the show! He's a main character!
Dan: They wrote Brenda off the show.
Jaime: Touche, sir. Touche.

Tabitha (Jessica Walters): Although she's playing a former actress and Betty Ford Center regular, Walters basically reprises her role as Lucille Bluth from Arrested Development and she is fabulous. Jessica Walters puts the 'sex' in sexagenarian.

Kelly (Jennie Garth): She's back but this time she's not being stalked by psychotic women, getting sexually assaulted, fighting over Dylan or addicted to psychotropic substances....yet. Ms. Taylor is working as the school guidance counselor and has a four-year-old son named Sam. Allegedly, Sam's daddy is none other than bad-boy Dylan McKay, but Dylan's MIA and the kid looks an awful lot like Steve Sanders, so no clue what's up there. And speaking of family...

Silver (Jessica Stroup): Kelly and David's half-sister Erin has grown up and ditched the blonde hair and the first name. A music junkie (something she obviously picked up from big brother DJ David), she becomes BFF with Annie after noticing an obscure band sticker on Annie's notebook. Silver is infamous for her blog, The Vicious Circle. Mainstream media pundits take note -- not all bloggers are Cheetoh-dusted basement dwellers.

Naomi (AnnaLynne McCord): Poor little rich girl who manages to look both pharmaceutically dazed and wantonly feral at the same time. She spends the first five minutes of screen-time stressing about her sweet sixteen -- a Misshapen hipster wet dream with Tilly and the Wall serving as house band and Cory Kennedy and Mark the Cobrasnake in attendance. Sidebar: Someone please explain Ms. Kennedy's fame to me? Thanks.

Ethan (Dustin Milligan): A lacrosse player Annie locked lips with a few summers ago. Our boy Ethan is not only dating Naomi but also cheating on her with some random chickenhead who digs giving head in parked cars. This prompts sweet innocent Annie to ponder, "I just don't get why Ethan would cheat on someone like Naomi....?"

To co-opt and ameliorate the words of Stu Macher, there's always some stupid bullshit reason to cheat on your girlfriend.

Long story short -- Ethan and Naomi break up rather publicly and Ethan begins flirting with Annie. And like an idiot, she flirts back. Having a 3% memory retention rate, I guess Annie forgot all about the vehicular fellatio she witnessed.

Navid (David Steger): The Persian politico and second token minority of the show. Navid runs the West Beverly Blaze and reminds me so much of Cher's classic quote from Clueless -- "They do the T.V. station. They think that's the most important thing on Earth. And that's the Persian mafia. You can't hang with them unless you own a BMW." Fun fact? His dad's a big time porn producer.

Adrienne (Jessica Lowndes): Pill-popping, bread-winning actress who looks like Nelly Furtado...if Nelly Furtado modeled for American Apparel.

George (Kellan Lutz): Blonde guy who looks like he'd excel at lacrosse, water polo and date rape. If this was The O.C., his main broseph would definitely be Luke.

Ty (Adam Gregory): Hot, wildly wealthy and seemingly sensitive. For a first date hang, he jets Annie off to San Francisco for a bite to eat. Annie's take on the experience -- "This is like Pretty Woman only I'm not a whore!"

Mr. Matthews (Ryan Eggold): Hip English lit teacher who resembles Ryan Gosling's dorky kid brother. He's got a crush on Kelly (who doesn't?) and I've got a crush on him.

The plot of the pilot was essentially the same as the original but sexier. The first twenty minutes and we're already witness to a blowjob in a car. Way to keep it classy, guys.

The Wilsons move from Wichita, KS to a lush mansion (no, it's not Casa Walsh) in America's most famous zip code. Annie and Dixon quickly learn that Beverly Hills in nothing like Kansas.

Mr. Matthews assigns Naomi to be Annie's "Beverly Buddy." Despite the fact that the plan reeks of fail, it actually works out to Naomi's advantage. You see, planning a Super Sweet Sixteen is hard work and can heavily interfer with your academic life. Naif to the rescue! Annie hooks Naomi up with an old paper about A Tale of Two Cities and Naomi plagiarizes the whole thing. Obviously. To make up for it, Naomi buys Annie an $800 dress. If my friends ever did anything like this, they'd probably just apologize and leave it at that. Cheap bastards.

Meanwhile, Dixon is harassed by his lacrosse teammates. When Mr. Matthews demands the truth about the altercation, Ethan (the only witness) steps up to the plate and promptly lies about the incident, defending his teammate and getting Dixon 86'd from the team. Yes, Ethan is a massive douchebag.

Annie becomes the "star" of Silver's blog in a crudely-animated video -- payback for dissing Silver for Naomi earlier (these two go back and their history ain't pretty). But, Silver makes it up to Annie by getting the budding thespian a role in the chorus of Spring Awakening.

Ethan decides he's got some manning up to do as well, so he reveals the truth about the fight. Unfortunately, Dixon has already sent Naomi a text message stating the obvious -- homeboy is cheating on you and you might wanna get that itch inspected. Because this is television, Naomi gets the message right before her big moment at her Sweet Sixteen. It's around this time that Harry learns about the son he never had from Naomi's mom.

Since it's a two-hour premiere, Hour Two kicks off with garbage. Lots of it. Piled up in the halls of West Beverly courtesy of hometown rivals, Palisades High. To get revenge (and win the admiration of his teammates), Dixon borrows three little pigs from Navid's father porn set (Dude, what kind of movie is this?) and releases them on Palisades' football field. He gets off easy though when Harry learns that inspiration came from a prank he had pulled years earlier.

While Dixon's playing This Little Piggy, Annie is being wooed by Ty, the lead in the school play and a teenager so unfathomably wealthy that he can afford to take a girl to San Francisco for dinner. Unfortunately for Annie who was supposed to be on Gangy-Watch, Gangy gets into a minor car accident and Annie gets grounded. Worst of all -- her parents cut off her coffee money allowance! Jesus, is this Beverly Hills or Abu Ghraib?! It's OK, though because the show ends with Ty smooching Annie while a surprised Ethan watches on, cuddling a stuffed octopus and pouting ever so slightly.

The pilot was pretty good but what I'm really looking forward to is November. I.E. -- Sweeps month. You know there'll be some serious drama going down and I can't wait to see how it does.

Finally, a quick edition of Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down to wrap it all up.

Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down:

Thumbs Up: Liz Phair does the music for the show! I love her and I also love the fact that the opening scene featured Viva La Vida by Coldplay. A bit overplayed but a good choice nevertheless.
Thumbs Down: The new theme song isn't nearly as awesome or iconic as the old one. What can I tell you? This girl loves her sax solos.

Thumbs Up: Nat's back!
Thumbs Down: Why is the Peach Pit a coffee place? Nat should be slingin' Megaburgers, not macchiatos. Oh and what happened to the Peach Pit After Dark? Why has it been renamed The Pit? DJ David and bartender Noah would not approve.

Thumbs Up: Hannah Zuckerman Vasquez is back and repping her Mom's legacy at the Blaze.
Thumbs Down: Donde esta Andrea y Jesse?

Thumbs Up: Jackie Taylor returns next week as Kelly and Erin's pill-popping hot mess of a mom. Sorry, Dina Lohan. Jackie's an O.G. and you've got nothing on her. Also scheduled to return? Brandon Walsh himself! I can't wait to see the prodigal son return.
Thumbs Down: Luke Perry has no interest in returning to the show. Dude, what else are you doing that's so important?

Looting and polluting is not the way!

I came into the office today to find a 5" thick pile of paper waiting to be copied at my desk. Do you know how much five inches of paper is? It's a lot. I took 5" and turned it into 10" (that's what she said). So, between the small chunk of the Amazon I killed today and all the Hair Insurance I use, I'm pretty sure I'm on Al Gore's hit list.

Speaking of the environment, you know what needs to make a resurgence? Captain Planet. That show was awesome and with everyone being so much more environmentally friendly nowadays, he could easily make a triumphant return.



McGillis and I had a pretty interesting conversation about the show once. Everyone had a cool power except Ma-Ti. Wheeler could shoot fireballs, Kwame could create earthquakes, Linka could summon tornadoes (Oh, Linka. The Cold War thawed everywhere except in your icy heart), Gi could control entire bodies of water and Ma-Ti got the short end of the stick. He was saddled with the power of 'heart' which allowed him to feel and convey emotions. So, basically his power was being emo. Nice. Oh and he gets a monkey too. Great. As McGillis so succinctly put it, "I would have kicked Gaia in the box for giving me a power like that!"

Anyway, Captain Planet? Totally awesome and needs to make a comeback....providing they Rastafy him by 10% (+10 and a cookie to whoever gets that).

Google Reader and Google Docs just became my new BFFE. Not only can I blog from the office but I can also catch up on other people's blogs! It's amazing! Oh and if you haven't already, check out Starting Over @ 24. He's been keeping me entertained all day while I've been copying, stapling and restapling. SO@24 reminds me of Mikey from Swingers...but cooler and more video-game savvy (I'm sure he gets that comparison all the time) and that rocks because when I think about Mikey, I start thinking about Rob (played by the charming Ron Livingston) and from there, my productivity takes a nose-dive and my imagination goes into overdrive.



Oh, Mr. Livingston. I'd double-down on you any day. Too far? Too far.

And lastly, here's some stuff I've been digging lately:

• The new release by Augustana - Can't Love, Can't Hurt. Check out I Still Ain't Over You and Sweet and Low.
• Aussie's Hair Insurance. It works really well.
• Taco Bell's Fruitista Freeze. Strawberries, mangoes and a name that sounds like a fabulous South American dictator. What's not to like?
• Wawa. Made-to-order sandwiches and yummy iced tea? What's not to like?
  
  

It's a warm, sunny day and I'm stuck at my desk until 5:00. So, I'm emptying out my brain like it was my purse:

+ I went 'down da shore' for the first time in my life. Apparently, this is somewhat of a summer tradition if you live in the mid-Atlantic states. Thankfully, it was less like MTV's True Life: I'm a Jersey Shore Girl and more like a pretty chill Memorial Day Weekend. I learned that a good 90% of food at the shore is fried within an inch of its life and if you eat it, your stomach will stage a violent coup. I also learned that pretty much every shop on the boardwalk sells exactly the same merchandise and that the sun harbors a serious grudge against me. I have a forehead the size of a movie screen (regular, not IMAX) and UV rays gun for it after it like Dina Lohan scrambling for her fifteen minutes.

+ Why is Lisa in the final four in Top Chef? She's a mediocre cook and I'm so over her defensive attitude and paranoia. Homegirl messed up rice twice so I'm thinking she needs to pack her knives and GTFO.

+ Speaking of things that need to GTFO, someone needs to forward that memo to the cold I have. I feel like I've been kicked in the head by a menopausal rhino. On the plus side, though? I can totally relate to Denis Leary's love of NyQuil (Google it, kids).

+ I have the same vision as Pam Beesley (20/400) and the same bra size as Rachel Green (you can figure that one out for yourself). I know this because Wikipedia and I are BFFE.

+ I saw the Sex and the City movie opening night and it was an experience unlike any other.

The audience was 90% women. The other 10%? The world's most disconsolate men, men who were way better groomed than I ever will be and one very confused child who was obviously just there for the popcorn (sidebar: $17 for popcorn and two Diet Cokes?! If you're going to rob me blind, at least have the decency to wear a ski mask and corner me in a dark alley). Of this 90%, a good 30% of these women actually dressed up for the screening. Now, being incomparably dorky, I've attended numerous screenings where people dress up like their favorite characters. I've encountered Jedis, Indys and more than a few superheroes but never have I ever witnessed a gaggle of women in cocktail dresses, heels and full make-up at the movies. I have to admit though, it was pretty fabulous. Cocktail dresses should be acceptable attire everywhere. Ditto flip flops (any movement on that yet?).

Speaking of the audience, in addition to unsolicited advice and "sassy" affirmations, I was also subject to raucous whooping whenever all four ladies met on screen, when Carrie wore her famous opening credits tutu dress and when the audience caught a glimpse of her sizable shoe collections (although, I have to admit that I felt a hard jolt of envy when I saw her Louboutins. What? They're delicious).I'm all for interaction to a certain degree (laughter, a gasp during a shocking moment, a sniffle during a particularly tender and touching scene), but come on! This isn't Rocky Horror.

As for the movie itself -- If you're a die-hard fan, you'll probably love it.

If you're a dude who's never seen the show and couldn't tell a Manolo from a pashmina, you'll hate it.

If you're someone who kinda dug the show, appreciated the clothes and watched to catch a glimpse of Ron Livingston (i.e.: me), you'll find it a little long and the kind of movie that requires some serious suspension of disbelief (There's no way Carrie could ever afford her swanky NYC digs or designer labels on a columnist's salary and in all honesty, the characters have become self-parodying charactures of who they were on the show).

But, if you take it for what it is (cinematic cotton candy clothed in coutour), it's a pretty sweet way to spend an evening.

The Hills: Back To LA

You know, having a job really puts a serious dent in a girl's Hills blogging. I'm like, three weeks behind and have had to resort to watching the episodes online instead of on our seriously amazing television.



Yeah. It's pretty sweet.

However, this works out well for Milla Jovavich because now, I want to spend all my hard-earned ducats on her super-cute Target line.

A breakdown of the episode: Pratt-Daddy moved out of Casa Speidi and into Gatlin She-Pratt's digs, Whitney quit her job at Teen Vogue and got a job as a stylist with People's Revolution, Brody and Lauren get into a tiff because of he said/she said nonsense regarding significant others and Heidi's increasingly plastic facade continued to irritate me even further.

Let's talk about Miss Port's decision to leave Teen Vogue, shall we? Cherry position that hundreds would maim for, frequent trips to Paris, company perks like brushing shoulders with celebrities, the possibility of free couture and a paycheck?! I would do some incredibly shameful things to obtain a position like this and she's just letting it go to become a stylist at People's Revolution.

Speaking of clothing, Miss Montag debuted Heidiwood for clothing retailer, Anchor Blue. Like its namesake, the line is thoroughly mediocre, wildly unremarkable and slightly skanky.

And that brings us to this week's edition of You Look Like A Pratt! Usually, this section is dedicated to the overgrown Gerber Baby that is Spencer Pratt, but every now and then, Heidi steals the spotlight from him.



I would compare her to Barbie, but I think Barbie had slightly less plastic injected into her body. Miss Montag's sadness is about as genuine as that trout pout she's rocking.

If I awarded accolades for Most Annoying Moment, it would have been Heidi's half-wit story telling She-Pratt about the last time Speidi dined at Prana:

"When we were here, Spencer said he was going to get the Muscle Breakfast and I said, 'Why? Because you have no muscles?' and he said, 'Shut up.'

was the most stupid thing I have ever heard. If I had been in the vicinity and had overheard that crap, I would have grabbed the closest pot of hot coffee and flung it in her face. Oh and in case you're wondering, a Muscle Breakfast consists of egg whites, grilled chicken, fresh veggies, fruit and seven-grain toast.

How does She-Pratt have such a sweet apartment?!



When I was 22, I lived in a HUD housing development. That's a pretty way of saying I lived in the projects. I had a meth lab shut down three buildings away from me...and you know what? It was the best time of my life. God, I miss Lush Manor.
Quote of the Week: The honors go to Kelly Cutrone of People's Revolution. During their interview, she actually told Whitney, "You're basically making a deal with the devil." Is Whitney becoming a stylist or a drug mule?

However, Heidi comes in at a close second with, "It's not like we're broken up." Actually, Blondie -- you kind of are. I mean, I realize that when it comes to Pratt-Daddy, being a heinous bitch is de riguere, but when he moves out, takes all his shit with him and expresses a notion to date other women (who these women are, I have no idea. I mean, I'd rather shave my legs with a cheese grater than be in the same zip code as Admiral Asshole).

And to end on a good note:



Lo's back! She's the best friend any girl could ask for -- she's funny, she gives great advice and she's got great taste in clothes (and I'm sure she wouldn't mind sharing). How she doesn't have her own show on MTV is completely beyond me.

The Hills: Paris Changes Everything (Season 3 Premiere)

If you missed the show (like me), you can check it out at MTV.com.

The Hills is back and I've been suckered into it again. To make things even better, the premiere was an hour long, as opposed to the usual half-hour format. Awesome for me, seemingly endless torturous agony for Dan who was in the room while I was watching.

The episode rundown: Lauren and Whitney traipsed around Paris, played Teen Vogue go-fers, attended a debutante ball and hung out with dirty French rockstars, the brilliantly named Rock and Roll. Don't step in the irony. It's dripping all over the place.

Meanwhile stateside, Heidi spent some quality time at her parents' place in Colorado where Pratt-Daddy paid her 'surprise' visit and surprisingly, Heidi was remarkably catty to him the whole time. Good for Heidi...but she's still a complete idiot (more on that later). As for the final member of our fierce foursome, Audrina was nowhere to be seen.

Now, onto the show!

Usually I love Whitney's sartorial choices and think she's all sorts of sassy and fabulous, but that striped sock and shoe combo she was rocking? A little too Wicked Witch of the East for me. I spent the first five minutes of the episode worried that a house would come crashing down on her.

I really liked the 'You're Hearing' feature during the episode. Although, MTV lost serious points for the lack of consistency. I heard a clip of some Kanye track during the episode and it went unattributed. Come on, MTV. Step up your game a little.

Like a bad rash, She-Pratt returns! Stephanie is back and this time, she's armed. Unfortunately, the only weapons in her arsenal are bad eye-makeup, a thoroughly ridiculous facial expression and words of wisdom sheer incoherent idiocy for her brother.



One such example of She-Pratt's pithy philsophy? "You could think of everything you've done and do the opposite." With pearls like that, I'm surprised the Ivy League isn't on their hands and knees begging her to enroll in one of their institutions.

I would like to know what kind of moisturizer Whitney uses and sink my life-savings into this product. This is what Ms. Port looks like upon awakening:



It's not the best picture, but you get the point.

This leads me to two conclusions:
A) Our God is a vengeful and merciless God.
B) Whitney probably spent 45 minutes with a make-up artist and stylist before this scene was shot.

Stepping aside from The Hills for a second, can we please take a moment and talk about that God-awful Alicia Keys mini-soap that aired during the commercial break? What the hell was that?! Were the producers of that crap trying to out-insipid The Hills because if so, they succeeded in a huge way.

As ridiculous as She-Pratt's quote was, the Quote of the Week award goes to Whitney for sheer inanity. No, not the brilliant, "You love feathers....", but rather her keen observation -- "I'm sure Paris is full of guys cooler than Brody."

Yeah. And so is Three Mile Island. And the Arctic Circle. Ditto Chernobyl, Russia. It's not hard to be cooler than a man whose only claim to fame is nailing other pseudo-celebs, living off a trust fund and playing dress-up with your BFFE, Frankie.

And since we're kicking it old-school, it's time once again for You Look Like A Pratt! This week's epic aesthetic failure had nothing to do with the episode but was so God-awful that I just had to use it:



The 'I Am Not A Tool; I Am Not A Toolbox Or Even A Tool Shed. I Am The Entire Tool Section Of Every Sears Department Store In The Continental U.S.'

Now, usually I'm not an advocate of hunting for sport, but in this case? I think an exception can be made.

Speaking of scummy guys, let's meet Rock and Roll. They're unwashed, they're French and they're (hopefully) totally irrelevant.

Strike One: Paul the drummer's Flock of Seagulls hairdo. I realize he's a drummer and that everything everything old is new again, but not this. Never this. Ever. Homeboy needs to ditch the Aquanet post-haste.

Strike Two: Mattias. He looks like one of those creepy 42-year-olds that hang out in bars and scam on college girls, despite having every last one of their advances shot down.



Saving grace: The band has a designated tambourine player!

Lauren Pretty-In-Pinking her ball gown seemed like a disastrous idea from the get-go and then, when she burned it with her iron, my only thoughts were, "Cinderella, you're screwed."



But, this is not reality (despite what Whitney said during the episode). This is an amazing fantasy land where you can wreck a couture dress and then, poof! A new, even cuter one miraculously appears! The Hills are more magical than Hogwarts!



Despite my sniping, this season looks great -- Audrina and Heidi hanging out! She-Pratt realizing that hanging out with Lauren will increase her celebrity status way more than hanging out with her industrial-sized feminine hygiene product of a brother who stages photoshoots with his talentless girlfriend! A new puppy! Lo!

The Hills is back and that makes me feel how Lauren looks (damn it, she is adorable):

LOST: The Other Woman

If you missed the episode, ABC.com is airing the episode for free in streaming HD.

Other cool links for you to check out?

+ Hi-res screencaps and reworked audio samples @ Lost Easter Eggs.
+ Let's Talk Lost @ Pop Candy
+ Jeff Jensen @ EW.com -- Never Ben Kissed

Now, let's get down on it.

I'm sure Michael Emerson is a very nice man, but if I ever saw him in public -- I would be absolutely terrified. This guy sells crazy better than anyone. Yes, that includes Courtney Love...although, I don't think it counts as selling crazy if you actually are guano crazy.

Anyway, Ben owned last night's episode and we got to see him as a very multi-faceted individual as opposed to the creepy bug-eyed master manipulator who has all the Losties feeling on edge. So, let's meet them, shall we?



There was Giddy Ben complete with date night playset (rack of lamb sold separately)

=

There was Possessive Lunatic Ben -- a fella fairly reminiscent of the Duke from Moulin Rouge ("I don't like people touching my things!!").

And then, there was Cocky Ben whose nonchalant delivery stole the show:

Locke: Do you have a plan?
Ben (nonchalant, not even really paying attention): Yeah. I always have a plan.

Ain't it the truth, Mr. Linus.

Basic Rundown of Events:

ON ISLAND: Charlotte and Faraday give Team Jack the slip as they head off into the jungle to find the Tempest. No, not the Shakespeare comedy but the station filled to the brim with a deadly gas that will kill everything on the Island if not vented correctly and made inert.

Jack and Juliet go after them and Juliet encounters a character from her past in the jungle. Amidst a torrential downpour and the omnipresent whispers, Harper appears. Who's Harper? Well, before Goodwin played Romeo to Juliet, he was married to Harper, a leonine woman who is also the Island therapist. In the words of Jet, she's a cold, hard bitch and makes no pretenses about it. Doc Harper tells Juliet that Ben wants her stop the Charlotte and Faraday. Then, as mysteriously as she appeared, she's gone. Another Dub Tee Eff moment bought to you by Lost.

In the jungle, the Freighter Twosome encounter Kate and she starts asking questions leading to Charlotte pistol-whipping Ms. Austen and knocking her out. Charlotte's gonna pay for that one. Trust me. Jack and Juliet find Kate in the jungle. The good doctor tends to her while Juliet disappears in search of Faraday and Charlotte.

Meanwhile in Locke-Land, Ben talks his way out of his holding cell and shows Locke a tape of Charles Widmore brutally beating one of Ben's 'people.' It's not Penny's boat, it's her father's...but we already kind of knew that, didn't we? Ben shows Locke the tape (recorded over a Red Sox game -- smart man. Boston teams can suck it long and hard) in an effort to:

A) convince Locke that the Freighter Folk aren't good Samaritans and that there's some seriously nefarious mojo afoot.

B) wrangle his way out of the holding cell and back to the warm and comfy barracks. Which he does (leading to a particularly funny moment when Ben tells the slack-jawed Hurley and Sawyer that he’ll see them at dinner).

Juliet finds the Freighter Twins at the Tempest and gets into a girl-fight with Charlotte while Daniel furiously pounds his...keyboard. Come on, guys. This is ABC, not Skin-E-Max.

Farraday succeeds in venting the gas correctly and the trio are met outside by Jack and Kate. Still sore about being donkey-punched in the head by a piece, Kate takes Charlotte aside, leaving Juliet and Jack alone. She tells him what an obsessive freak-show Ben is and how he won’t be pleased about their pseudo-relationship. Jack says he doesn’t care and they kiss. Because I’m awesome and kick it old-school, I imagined Charlie Salinger and Kristen Bennett smooching instead. God, I miss Party of Five.

Flashback: Juliet.

We learn more about everyone's favorite fertility doctor. She arrives on-Island and Ben’s instantly smitten. He arranges for her to live in a sweet house, he makes her dinner and he does that totally girlie ‘accidental’ finger brush move. But since Juliet looks like Juliet and Ben looks like Ben, she’s not having any of it. If this was high school, Ben would be the guy driving by Juliet's house a couple times a night, constantly calling her cell and making her mixtapes featuring I’ll Be Watching You by The Police. But, this is Wild Monkey Island, not Wild Monkey High so instead, Ben sends Goodwin off to his death and later, brings Juliet to see his decomposing body. It’s at this romantic spot that Ben tenderly tells Juliet that she’s his. And by tenderly, I mean he shouts, “You’re mine” in a manner that would terrify most anyone and lead to a pretty serious restraining order to be placed in effect.

Questions and Theories:

Widmore's not the big bad. Ben is. Showing Locke the tape of Charles Widmore getting his Gotti on is nothing more than a diversionary tactic. Widmore is a captain of industry and while those guys are undeniably detestable excuses for human beings, I’m pretty sure Widmore never gassed his colleagues and father.

How did Ben get a message out to Harper? Homeboy was locked up like Michael Vick.

On that note, how did Harper mysteriously appear and disappear? Is she dead? If so, how can Jack see her? Does she have anything to do with the whispers since they coincided with her arrival and finally, did anyone else think she looked like Jocelyn Wildenstein?

Next week – a heliocentric episode. Get it? ‘Cause it’s about Sun? Dude, whatever, dude. I’m awesome.

LOST: The Constant

I realize this is two days late and about a buck fifty short, but cut me a break. Girl's gotta earn those ducats.

Anyway, if you still haven't seen it, get to ABC.com right now and check it out.

Other cool links for you to check out?

+ Hi-res screencaps and reworked audio samples @ Lost Easter Eggs.
+ Let's Talk Lost @ Pop Candy
+ Jeff Jensen @ EW.com -- '96 Tears

Let's get to the meat behind the beat, shall we?

Flash: Desmond Hume.



Despite the fact that Desmond visits 1996, I wouldn't categorize this as a flashback. Much like the protagonist of Kurt Vonnegut's classic Slaughterhouse Five, Desmond is definitely unstuck in time.

Let's break it down:

Real Time: Frank Lapidus is flying the helicopter back to the freighter. He flies through a possibly electromagnetic thunderstorm, possibly deviating from the precise coordinates Farraday gave him (remember The Economist? Farraday was explicit in his instructions that Frank should not deviate from these coordinates at all) and Desmond starts experiencing flashes.

Flash!

1996: Desmond is back in the Royal Scottish Regiment...but he remembers being in the helicopter. What the hell is going on? Disoriented, he isn't as quick on his feet as the rest of his regiment and earns all the lads double time punishment.

Real Time: Desmond finds himself in the chopper again, obviously confused and completely unsure of who Sayid and Frank are. Did the conscience of Desmond circa 1996 get mixed-up with Desmond circa 2004? Frank lands the helicopter on the freighter and two crew members -- new characters known only as Omar and Keamy -- take Des to the ship's sick bay.

Flash!

1996: Desmond is back in Scotland, trying to figure out what the hell is going on. He talks to his buddy about experiencing seriously vivid dreams and his buddy asks if there's anyone in his dreams he remembers. Penny! Des runs over to the closest phone booth to call his ex, is pushed by a grudging grunt, drops his change and....

Flash!

Real Time: Omar and Keamy lock Desmond in the sick bay, he starts pounding on the door and is startled to discover there's someone else in the room. Someone else who is also experiencing the same time travel phenomena as him. Someone called George Minkowski. Ah ha! So, this is why Minkowski could never come to the phone! He's been strapped and drugged up in the sick bay.



Meanwhile, Sayid finally makes contact with Jack. Speaking via speaker phone, Sayid tells the Island-dwellers that Desmond has been acting odd. Farraday immediately asks is Desmond has experienced an intense dose of either radiation or electromagnetic energy (remember the fail-safe key in the Hatch?) and goes on to state that when leaving the island, people get a little disoriented....but Desmond is not experiencing amnesia.

In the sick bay, a creepy doctor visits Des and Minkowski. He proceeds to dose Minkowski with what appears to be a sedative and Mink is down for the count. When Desmond rears up and shouts, "You're not sticking me with that, brotha!", the doctor tells him to relax and that he only wants to examine his eyes.



As the light flashes, so does Des.

1996: Des comes to in a phone booth, clutching coins. He calls Penny, who in 1996, was mildly disgruntled to hear from the man who dumped her. She tells him that she moved and not to call again. Desmond starts to argue and...

Flash!

Real Time: Sayid brings the phone down to Desmond to talk to Farraday. The physicist asks Des what year it is (1996, according to Des) and where he's supposed to be (Camp Miller, Scotland). Farraday then instructs Des to take the train down to Queen's College in Oxford and talk to Farraday circa 1996. In order to ensure that 1996-era Farraday will take him seriously, 2004-era Farraday tells him to mention degrees and hertz of a certain machine as well as to say that he knows about Eloise. As Keamy and Omar burst into the sick bay to stop the call....

Flash!

1996: Des is on campus, searching for Farraday. He finds him and recites the information. I loved this part so much because it reminded me of Marty McFly telling Doc Brown how the Flux Capacitor came into being. A Back To The Future wink on Lost? I'm in love.



It is here we learn that Eloise is a rat that Farraday has been conducting time-travel experiments on via radiation. It is also here we learn that while Farraday protects his body by wearing a lead vest, he doesn't seem to protect his head.

Flash!

Real Time: Back in the bay, Minkowski wakes up and shares this vital tidbit of information -- as the ship's communications officer, he was under strict orders never to answer a certain line whenever it rang. And who was this unlucky caller, unable to reach out and touch someone? None other than the love of Des' life, Penny Widmore.

Flash!

1996: Des comes to in Farraday's lab and discovers two things -- a) he's been gone for 75 minutes and b) Eloise is dead. According to Farraday, flashing between times was too much for the rat to take and her brain short circuited. Desmond fears this will happen to him, but Farraday has an answer to that. As long as Desmond has a constant -- something or someone he cares about dearly in both times -- his brain should be OK. Hopefully. Des grabs a phone and calls Penny's number. It's been disconnected and....

Flash!

Real Time: Des tells Sayid that he must get in touch with Penny. Sayid doesn't really get this but is willing to help his friend. Two monkeys in the machine, though. 1) Someone sabotaged the communications room about two days before this conversation took place. To anyone else, this would be a problem but Sayid knows a thing or two about communications. 2) How do you get out of the locked sick bay? Well, that resolves itself fairly easily as well as someone ("a friend on the boat", according to Minkowski) has conveniently left the door open.

Flash!

1996: Desmond's nowhere to be seen but we do catch sight of Penelope's father, Mr. Charles Widmore at an auction. The item up for grabs? The journal of the first mate of The Black Rock. The seller? A gentleman known as Torvald Hanso. Who added the flour 'cause the plot just thickened?!

Yes...I should be openly mocked for that.

Anyway, Widmore wins the item by bidding $380,000 and after Desmond confronts him in the men's room (this isn't American politics, ladies and gents. Neither men have a 'wide stance.'), Mr. Widmore gives Penny's address to Desmond.

Flash!

Real Time: Sayid wants to know who's responsible for the damage in the communications room but Minkowski doesn't seem to know. He has a fit, starts bleeding from the nose, croaks, "I can't get back" and dies in Desmond's arms. Guess homeboy didn't have a constant. Sayid then notices that Desmond's nose is also bleeding. This can't be good....

Flash!

1996: Address in hand, Des goes to see Penny. She's not exactly thrilled to see him, but he begs for her number, insisting that he won't bother her and promising that the next time she hears from it, it will be in eight years (December 24, 2004). He pleads for her not to change her number and....

Flash!

Real Time: Sayid to the rescue. The communication lines have been fixed, but the battery's low. Des punches in Penny's number. It rings. It rings again. And again. And again.



She answers! They talk! She knows about the Island! She's been trying to find him for three years! They love each other! The battery dies and Des thanks Sayid, apparently able to remember everything and insisting that he is now, 'perfect.'

Meanwhile, on the Island, Farraday is riffling through his journal and stops at one specific page:



"If anything goes wrong, Desmond Hume will be my constant."

It was the best episode I've ever seen. In all four seasons, this was probably the most rewarding for me. High intensity and big-time emotional payoff in the way only Lost can provide. I care more about Desmond and Penny reuniting than I do about anything else in the show and I'm really hoping they do so by the end of the series. I know that Cuse and Lindelof like to throw curveballs, but Penny and Desmond have to get back together. They just have to.

Questions/Theories:

+ Why doesn't Island Farraday recognize Desmond when they first meet?

+ Why does Mr. Widmore bid an ungodly amount of money on a journal? I mean, I realize he's a wealthy white male and they've got money to burn...but this seems to have a little more depth than just a whimsical, extravagant purchase.

+ Why wasn't Minkowski allowed to answer calls from Penny? Who ordered this?

+ Michael is the man on the boat. I think he's working for Ben, but also wants to help out his friends. That's why he opened the door to the sick bay.

+ "Farraday can't even help himself." -- Does this mean that Farraday is also afflicted in the same way as Des and Minkowski?

+ Farraday never covered his head while performing experiments. Does he have some form of cancer? Is that why he needs a caretaker?

Can't wait until next week. Apparently, we get a peek into Juliet's past or future.

LOST: Eggtown

A bit of an update, so grab a cold beverage and make yourself comfy.

The reason y'all didn't find a Lost recap this morning was because I got a job and unfortunately, it doesn't involve blogging about pop culture minutae. So, the recaps will be a day late (and possibly a buck short), but they'll be there.

Now, let's get to the creamy filling, shall we?

If you haven't seen the episode yet, stop reading this post and head on over to ABC.com where Eggtown is currently streaming in HD.

LINKS:

Hi-res screencaps and audio at Lost Easter Eggs
Whitney Matheson's Pop Candy Blog
Jeff Jensen @ EW.com -- The Trials of Kate

FLASHBACK: Kate Austen



Yeah, post-Island Kate cleans up pretty well. I couldn't even get mad at Dan for openly salivating.

OFF ISLAND:

+ Kate's on trial for arson, assault, fraud, murder and a whole mess of other things. Apparently, almost dying in a plane crash and spending months detained on Wild Monkey Island does not absolve you of your past crimes.

+ Her lawyer suggests bringing Kate's son to the stand to evoke the sympathies of the jury. Kate vehemently disagrees, so instead legal counsel calls Dr. Jack Shephard to the stand. Despite being under oath, Jack feeds the courtroom a pack of lies -- there were only eight survivors of flight 815 (I may have failed every math class I ever took, but even I know this doesn't add up), Kate was a cross between Florence Nightingale and Wonderwoman on the Island and the marshal accompanying Kate back to the States died in the crash. Kate cuts the testimony short and the prosecution gets one last question in -- does Jack love Kate? Jack responds with yet another lie -- he doesn't love Kate. Not anymore.

+ Kate's wheelchair-bound mother comes to visit her daughter. She wants to see her grandson before she dies and won't testify against Kate if she allows this. Kate refuses and surprisingly enough, her mother backs down and doesn't testify. Kate's punishment? Ten years probation in which she can't leave the state. She says that since she has a son, she wouldn't want to do this anyone.

+ Kate comes home (to a remarkably swanky pad. Did that Oceanic settlement kick in already?) to her son. A cute, tow-headed little boy.....named Aaron. That's right, Miss Austen is now Mama Austen to Claire's baby boy. Chew on that.

ON ISLAND:

+ Ben is locked up again...only this time, it's in the same basement that held Locke's father.

+ Miles convinces Kate to help him escape so he can question Ben. They get to Ben's basement (thanks to a little interference via Sawyer) and Miles gives us a little lesson in the nuances between blackmail and extortion by demanding Ben pay up to the tune of $3.2 million dollars. If he does so, Miles will tell his mysterious employer nothing of Ben's existence. This little act of rebellion causes Locke to banish Kate from Team Locke.

+ Kate and Sawyer spend the night together and in a move straight out of my adolescence, they don't end up doing the deed. The next morning, Sawyer expresses relief at the fact that Kate isn't pregnant and when she rebuffs his advances, he tells her that she'll come running back the next time Jack makes her mad. Kate belts him across the face and leaves.

+ Meanwhile, Locke graduates from merely crazy to batshit bananas. He serves up two very different meals for two very different men. Ben got the more classic breakfast option of melon and eggs while newcomer Miles got a spicier dish:



A grenade shoved straight into his mouth. Now that's a spicy meatball!

+ We learn the helicopter transporting Charlotte, Frank, Sayid and Desmond has yet to reach the freighter. More on that next week.

THEORIES:

Claire must be dead because there is no way she'd give up her son.

If Aaron is considered one of the infamous Oceanic Six, that means that Sun must be the last member of this ragtag bunch. Why? Because if she doesn't get off the island, both she and her unborn child will die.


QUESTIONS:

What the hell happened to Claire?

Is Aaron considered one of the Oceanic Six?

Why did Jack lie under oath and say there were only eight survivors from flight 815? I may have failed every math class I ever took, but even I know that doesn't add up.

$3.2 millions seems a bit arbitrary, don't you think? Why did Miles demand that specific amount?

* There are tons of other questions and theories but I watched the show last night at 1:30 a.m. and am currently running on five hours of sleep and no caffeine. A much more entertaining and thorough recap next week. Promise.

OTHER NEWS:

We might have found the perfect apartment. Cross your fingers, guys 'cause seriously? We're like five seconds from pulling a Jewel and living out of our cars.

Dan and I saw the Foo Fighters at the Spectrum last night. A two-hour juggernaut featuring the old stuff, the new stuff, Grohl screaming like a banshee on fire, an acoustic set, the best version of Everlong I've ever heard in my life, the prettiest version of Big Me I've ever heard in my life (featuring Jessy Greene on vocals), a song by drummer Taylor Hawkins, a triangle solo and the Foo Fighters giving the Spectrum the most shit-rockingly awesome goodbye anyone could ever give the venue with a balls-out version of Best of You. My only minor gripe? That My Hero wasn't played in all its electric glory. This girl loves the bombast and that the drums on this track feel like a herd of elephants stampeding through your central nervous system.

The opening acts were Against Me (who we missed because getting into Philly is like crossing a piranha-infested Amazonian lake only ten times more trecherous) and Serj Tankian of System of a Down who made oddball references to Borat and "Beethoven's cunt" and basically sounded just like every SoaD song I've ever heard.

All in all, an amazing show that just reiterated and inflamed my passion for the band and it's remarkably talented lead singer. Guitarist Christ Shiflett and Dave Grohl played duelling guitars for a bit and like I told Dan, if I had been wearing a skirt? Well, let's just say the band would have gotten a free pair of Aerie hipsters.

LOST: The Economist

If you haven't seen the episode yet, stop reading this post and head on over to ABC.com where The Economist is currently streaming in HD.

Vital Links:
Lost Easter Eggs for hi-res screen caps and video
Whitney Matheson's Pop Candy Lost Discussion Board
Jeff Jensen at EW.com.

Now, onto the show. Because Lost is just a touch more complex than The Hills, I've decided to split the recap up into sections. Hopefully, this will make things easier for the both of us.

Off Island: This week, we discover what happens to Sayid after he gets off Wild Monkey Island. Simply put? Dude becomes Jason Bourne.

=

Sayid ends up bouncing all over the world, capping asses and taking names. He eventually winds up in Berlin, Germany where he falls for a tall, reedy blonde named Elsa.

Red flag -- remember what happened the last time Mr. Jarrah hooked up with a tall blonde? She got shot in the abdomen and ended up dead. Well, you know what they say about history. Elsa (apparently a mercenary herself) shoots Sayid in the shoulder and then, meets the same unfortunate fate as Shannon.

Blonde women take note -- do not date Sayid Jarrah or O.J. Simpson. You will end up dead.

Filled with heartache and lead, Sayid stumbles to the nearest veterinarian for medical assistance. I guess mercenaries don't have a very good health plan. Waiting to stitch up his wounds and give Sayid his next assignment was none other than big bad Ben Linus. That's right -- the man who said he'd rather sell his soul than trust Ben is now working for him.

On Island: Sayid, Kate and Miles head to the barracks to bring Charlotte back to the Jack Pack. Meanwhile, Faraday acts on his instinct and sets up a little experiment. He calls Regina on the freighter and asks her to send over a small rocket to a beacon he has set up on the Island. She does so and oddly enough, the geographic arrival of the rocket does not coincide with the actual arrive. Stranger still? When the missile finally arrives, there is a 31-minute time difference between the clock on the rocket and the timer on the beacon. Weird....

Team Sayid arrive at the barracks to find Hurley bound, gagged and trapped in a closet. They rescue him and Hurley tells the trio that Locke was threatening Charlotte and when he spoke up against it, Locke shoved him in the closet and headed over to Ben's place in the barracks. Team Sayid head over to the ol' Linus place where Sayid discovers a hidden room behind a bookcase. The contents of this room? Clothing, stacks of international money and passports from every pretty much every country on earth.

What does that help reaffirm? That Ben's a liar and seems to have left the Island many, many times.

While Sayid's checking out the international room o' mystery, Kate peeking underneath Ben's bed when she sees a pair of feet enter the room. Sawyer's back and although he motions for Kate to be quiet, her first reaction is to scream for Sayid.

See, it turns out that this little visit to Ben's is actually a trap.

Hurley lied to Sayid and company on Locke's behalf. Team Locke shows up, armed and ready, and shuffles Sayid off to the Others' Game Room where Ben has already been secured. There, Sayid negotiates Charlotte's release, switching one Rescuer (Miles) for another (Charlotte) and telling Locke that he plans on infiltrating the freighter to determine the Rescuers' true motives. Sayid heads back to the chopper and we also learn that Kate is now playing for Team Locke (undoubtedly because of Sawyer).

The last shot we see is Sayid, Desmond, Captain Frank, Charlotte and Naomi's body leaving the Island via helicopter.

Questions:

Who is The Economist?

Is this why Hurley apologizes to Jack in the future? For scamming Sayid and Kate? After all, this act sends Freckles straight into Sawyer's loving arms, leaving Jack alone yet again.

Who is Mr. Avellino and why did he have to die? Fun fact, Tony Soprano's ancestors hail from the Italian town of Avellino.

How did Sayid go from completely distrusting Ben to working for him? Is Ben using Sayid to wipe out the remaining members of the DHARMA initiative?

Why is there a 31-minute difference between Freighter Time and Island Time and more importantly, how did Faraday know to check for it?

What's the deal with the bracelets? An indication that Naomi and Elsa were working for the same organization? And on a related note -- Who is R.G. and what is their connection to Naomi? Regina from the Freighter, perhaps?



A good episode filled with intrigue, but it raised so many more questions. I'm used to Lost leaving me with more questions than answers, but damn it! A girl's got limits to what she can take!

I'm really excited about next week, though. I hear we get a peek into the future of everyone's favorite fugitive (and the woman Dan step on me to get a look at), Miss Kate Austin.

LOST: Confirmed Dead

If you haven't seen the episode yet, stop reading this post and head on over to ABC.com where Confirmed Dead is currently streaming in HD.

Want more information? Check out Lost Easter Eggs for hi-res screen caps and video, Whitney Matheson's Pop Candy Lost Discussion Board for a lively and animated debate on last night's episode and finally, to read a far better recap than mine, check out the fantastic Jeff Jensen at EW.com.

Now, that we've got all that out of the way -- let's talk Lost.

Episode two wasn't nearly as adrenaline-packed as the premiere but necessary in story building. I think this is why people get frustrated with the show. They want constant, heart-pumping action but none of the block building that comes with good storytelling. Look, if you want high-octane explosions and little else, check out a Michael Bay flick. If you want the most intelligent, incisive and cerebral show on television, stick with Lost.

This episode featured flashbacks of the rescuers and explained how this motley crew came together and landed on Wild Monkey Island. So, let's get accquainted with the rescuers, yes?

Dan Faraday -- Physicist and possible head-case. Started weeping uncontrollably when he learned that flight 815 had been found and couldn't answer why. Commented that sunlight doesn't scatter the way it should on the Island. His name is based on English physicist Michael Faraday who researched electromagneticism.

Miles Straume -- Spiritualist (one part Ghostbuster, one part Cole Sear). Simply put, homeboy communicates with dead people. Socially awkward and generally angry. Confirms that the Rescuers have arrived on the island seeking Ben. His name is a play on the word 'Maelstrom' -- a swirling mass of water.

Charlotte Staples Lewis -- English anthropologist. Discovers a polar bear wearing a Dharma Hydra collar in Medenine, Tunisia. Her name is based on English writer and scholar Clive Staples Lewis, more commonly known as C.S. Lewis -- author of The Chronicles of Narnia series.

Frank Lapidus -- Pilot. Was supposed to be on flight 815. Calls Oceanic Air hotline to state that pilot Seth Norris has been incorrectly identified. Claims to have memorized the entire flight manifest. Possibly a drunk (according to Naomi).

These four, along with Naomi, were assembled by Matthew Abbadon for very specific reasons that he doesn't reveal. When Naomi asks what to do if she encounters any survivors of flight 815, Abbadon forcefully and repeatedly insists that there were no survivors. Hmmm....

Now that we're all friends, let's move on.

News reports show that the wreckage of flight 815 have been found in the Sunda Trench (northeastern Indian Ocean near Bali). According to the report, there are no survivors but we know better.

The rescuers parachute out of the helicopter and land in various locations on the island. Faraday first makes contact with Jack and Kate and the trio go on a mini-mission to find the rest of the rescuers. They encounter Miles on the rocky area where Kelvin died and he reveals that Naomi's last words ('Tell my sister I love her') were actually a distress code meaning someone was holding a gun to her head. Kate tells Miles that Locke was responsible for Naomi's death and the group troops back to the body where Miles performs some spooky whispering mojo and confirms that Kate is telling the truth.

Charlotte's tracking signal starts beeping and the group start heading towards....but out come Sayid and Juliet, guns a'blazing! They disarm the rescuers and head in the direction of the tracking signal. Sayid grabs Miles' phone and sees Charlotte's signal. It's moving. Fast. The group runs toward the signal and they discover that Charlotte's GPS has been tied around Vincent's neck. It is then that Jack realizes that Locke has Charlotte.

Meanwhile, after safely landing the helicopter, Frank pulls himself out of some bushes to realize he's been watched by a cow. He tries to stand, but his legs don't work, so he fires a flare. Locke and Company see the signal and Charlotte starts to move towards it. Locke attempts to stop her and before he can do anything else, Ben shoots Charlotte twice in the chest. Let me reiterate -- Ben fucking caps Charlotte in the chest. Cold blooded, but do we expect anything less from Mr. Linus? Sawyer beats the shit of Ben but then we realize that thanks to a bulletproof vest, Miss Lewis is still alive.

Jack and Company also see the flare and head on over to Frank. Sayid inspects the helicopter while Juliet tends to Frank's head wound. Frank asks Juliet's name and having memorized the plane's manifest, realizes that Juliet wasn't on the plane and is actually an Island 'native.' Miles freaks out and starts asking where 'he' is.

The he in question?



Why, who else but Mr. Benjamin Linus.

Miles pulls out a photograph and states that the rescuers are actually on the Island to find Ben.

While this is going down, Locke's got a gun to Ben (despite protests from Alex and Claire) and intends on shooting him, but Ben tells Locke that he's got the key to a plethora of secrets. Locke asks what the smoke monster is and Ben replies that he doesn't know. Instead, he starts reciting personal information about Charlotte -- full name, birthplace, family. When asked how he knows this, Ben simply says that he's got a man on the boat.

Onto my favorite part -- Theories:

+ Faraday tells Jack and Kate that rescuing suvivors isn't their primary mission. So, what is? I'm thinking the true mission is to confirm the dead of the Dharma Initiative and bring Ben to justice as he was responsible for the Purge.

+ The rescuers brought gas masks and the biohazard suits to avoid contact with The Virus -- remember that? The nasty little bug that Rousseau's crew apparently got when they landed on the Island?

+ Michael is Ben's 'Man on the Boat.' Remember, Ben let Michael go, so maybe they cut a deal? Ben lets Michael and Walt go free, but not before Michael does a little work for him.

And it just wouldn't be Lost if I didn't have a cavalcade of Questions:

+ Whose body was found in the Sunda Trench and why was it identified as Seth Norris? Norris was the Smoke Monster's first casualty and couldn't have been underwater.

+ Bigger question -- where the hell did this wreckage come from? The plane broke up over the Island. The cockpit ended up in the jungle? How did 815 end up buried in a trench?

+ How did a Dharma polar bear get to Tunisia?

+ What was Miles using in the bedroom while Ghostbusting? It didn't look anything like a Proton Pack.

+ Why did Daniel start weeping uncontrollably when he learned that flight 815 had been found?

+ What the hell is the Smoke Monster?

All in all, good episode and I can't wait until next week.

What did you think of the episode? Any theories? Any questions I missed? Let me know!

P.S. -- I told Dan about trying to Jedi Mind Trick a Diet Coke all day and when he got home last night, he asked me to do it again. Five seconds later, Diet Coke appears on the kitchen counter! This leads me to believe one of two things -- either the Force is strong in me or Dan is just remarkably thoughtful. Either way, I'm happy.