So...

How was your day?

You're the reason I want to sing
You make me feel like a king
I love the sunshine that you bring
I think I'll buy you a diamond ring
A diamond ring
Baby baby say I do
And I'll spend my life with you

Diamond Ring
The Black Crowes

The Hills: Meet The Parents + some other random stuff

In case you missed it, you can check the episode out here. If you managed to catch it -- let's discuss:

This week's episode was somewhat mundane but probably had the best quotes so far this season.

Never did I ever think I'd find myself agreeing with Brody Jenner, but the Prince of Malibu made a good point when he said all Spencer's done lately is, "flake out on the homies." I would have used different terminology than Jenner, but I'm not nearly as "hood" as he is -- 90263 represent!

Speaking of great quotes, Lauren hit the nail on the head when she commented in Justin-Bobby's choice of footwear -- "Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach!" Those shoes, Justin-Bobby! Those shoes! Dude, seriously? Combat boots and sandy dunes don't mix. Invest in a nice pair of Reefs, dude. Trust me.

Jamie Cullum's All At Sea was featured this episode! I love that guy and have been a fan for a while. Click here to check out the Twentysomething album. My favorite tracks are These Are The Days, a great cover of Radiohead's High and Dry and the title track.

I actually rather liked Heidi's parents. They seem like really down-to-earth, sweet people. I especially liked how both her mom and her stepfather reiterated pretty much everything that Lauren had said to Heidi before their 'break-up.' You've got smarter people in your life than your 'fiance', Heidi. Maybe you should listen to them.

I am totally in love with the sweater Lauren was wearing at Brody's barbecue.



So if anyone knows who makes it and where to get it -- I'd really appreciate the info. Thanks!

You look like a Pratt: Since Spencer makes such interesting facial expressions, I decided I would be seriously remiss if I didn't devote a section to them. Last week, he made the greatest face upon discovering Heidi had white-washed his mural. My sister and I refer to it as the, "Bitch, I'mma brain you" face.

This week, we were treated to the 'Ken Doll Cannibal' face:



In response to the caption -- No. Dear God, no.

And the greatest thing I've heard on the show so far? Jenner's nickname for Spencer -- "Pratt-Daddy." I think I'm going to start using this term as a synonym for, 'King Douchebag.'

In unrelated news:

George Bluth Sr. was having a love affair with ice-cream sandwiches and I am having a love affair with Wawa coffee. I recommend the chocolate cookie lattes -- they're delicious.

Despite our terrible dining experience this weekend, I did get the cutest picture of The Boyfriend.



Here he is gulping down pitcher after pitcher of water after eating some pretty spicy mattar paneer.

This actually reminded me of The Simpsons episode 'Homer and Apu' when Apu came to stay with the family after Homer got Apu fired from the Kwik-E-Mart. Apu prepares a traditional Indian meal for The Simpsons and after one bite, Lisa's eyes start bugging out and she says, "I can see through time." I'm pretty sure The Boyfriend felt the exact same way.

I'm re-viewing the first season of Weeds on DVD. Love this show (clever writing, fantastic performances and soundtrack) and I'm pretty sure that Mary Louise Parker is the coolest woman ever.



Total Girl Crush. Seriously. If her portrayal of Nancy Botwin doesn't convince you of this, read the following articles by Miss Parker for Esquire magazine. If that doesn't convince, you're an idiot.

My, what a big wand you have...

(After watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)

The Boyfriend: Do you think that wizards use spells doing sex?
Me: What, like a summoning spell? Accio Orgasm?
The Boyfriend (while brandishing an imaginary wand): Clitoris!
Me: You know, I never realized just how much that word sounds like a spell....

The love of my life, ladies and gents. And hopefully the only time the word 'clitoris' will ever be featured on this blog.

I love how the Harry Potter franchise brings up the most disturbing conversations in my life. Before Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows came out, my sister and I were discussing the 'Unforgivable Curses' and came up with an interesting quandary:

Would Accio Still-Beating Heart be considered an 'Unforgivable Curse'?

Something to think about...or not.

Dear Indian Restauranteurs:

You fail at life.

Your food wasn't mediocre -- it was just flat out bad and not only did you screw me over when it came to the food (not nearly enough curry and no incidentals. Your grandmothers are spinning right now), but you screwed me financially too. You never screw over another member of the tribe. Didn't y'all get that memo?

See, this is the problem with being ethnic. Any time you go out to eat at an eatery catering to your particular ethnicity, you get screwed because the food never tastes as good as your mom's.

That and I think that the sub-par Indian food I had tonight singed The Boyfriend's vocal chords.

From now on, unless it's made by Mom or monks -- I'm not going anywhere near it.

Sincerely:

Jaime

P.S. -- I supplemented tonight's dinner with a half a bottle of Sparkletini, so if this entry isn't exactly lucid...well, that's why.

Today was a good day/Didn't even have to use my AK

As well as being cast in The Time Traveler's Wife, Ron Livingston also topped my laminated list at #1.

I think it's safe to say that he's having a pretty damn good day.

And for mostly my enjoyment, here's the man of the hour himself:



Like a bag of hammers, I would. Yeah.

The Hills: Truth and Time Tells All

I've become addicted and at this point, it's not even a guilty pleasure anymore. I'll openly admit that I love The Hills. What's not to love? It's marshmallow TV -- it's candy that won't ever fill you up but will leave you with a healthy buzz for a while.

The Boyfriend asked me if I wanted to DVR the show last night (he refuses to watch it because his taste in television doesn't suck). My response?

Me: Oh my God, yes! Did you see what Spencer did to the wall last week? I mean, that mural is the ugliest thing I've ever seen....
The Boyfriend (cutting me off): You know I have no idea what you're talking about, right?

He can wrap his mind around a million different theories concerning Lost, but when it comes to The Hills, the boy is completely clueless. We should leave it that way, though. If he ever started dishing on what Audrina was wearing, I'd be more than a little concerned.

I also have a total girl-crush on Lauren (Girl-Crush [gurl-kruhsh]. N. -- Admiration of a member of the same sex resulting in a desire to go shopping and drink overpriced beverages with said object of affection) and this makes me adore her even more. Unlike the rest of her reality television brethren, Conrad's a class act.

Anyway, my thoughts on last night's episode:

If there was an Eau de Douchebag fragrance, it would smell like our boy, Spencer (I love that is last name is Pratt. Totally apropos considering that in English slang, a prat is among other things, 'a self-aggrandizing, pompous fuck. Someone who is full of themselves and, almost invariably, stupid as well.'). I also hate his hyper-awareness of the camera. The last scene where he started to paint over that fuck-awful mural? So obviously done because of the camera's presence.

And sidenote: That jaw. Dear God, that jaw. You could crack walnuts with it.



The only thing that makes him remotely likable is an affinity for old-school video games, but I get the feeling this kid isn't a real gamer but rather one of those nostalgia-bandwagon-hopping idiots who swears they've always played Duck Hunt.

Can we take a second to talk about Miss Montag's ring?



Yes, I know it's fake but it's the tackiest fake I've ever seen. My niece has much more realistic looking jewelry...and hers is from the Disney Princess collection (she's two-and-a-half).

Oh Lo. That's it -- just oh Lo. You're fabulous, darling. Someone needs to give her a show -- something along the lines of The Look For Less where she wanders around Los Angeles shopping and spouting advice as only she can.

The editing seemed a little off in last night's episode. I understand that it's not really reality, but the meeting between Justin-Bobby, Audrina and Lauren seemed a little funny. Speaking of the dreaded ex, I can kind of understand his appeal but it's such a stereotype -- dirty-artsy bad boy biker. It's right up there with Johnny Football Hero and Boy-Next-Door-Geek.

And finally, can someone please explain the Pinkberry phenomenon to me? I mean, it's just frozen yogurt. How good could it possibly be?

For those of you who didn't catch the episode last night, you can view it here.

I'll get you, my pretty...and your little blog too!

There's a tornado warning in Chester County until 3:00 p.m. today.

Ummm....didn't I leave all this stuff behind when I left Florida? Dub tee eff, inclement weather. Dub tee eff.

I'll let y'all know if I see some green-faced biddy flying around on a bicycle, but until then -- think good thoughts for me and pray the power doesn't go out.

Finally!

I've been waiting for Harold and Kumar 2 since the end credits of Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle.

Dear Me at Seventeen:

Hi. This is your older and wiser self at 24.

The next seven years of your life will be interesting to say the least. You'll lose people, you'll meet new ones, you'll move, you'll change but most of all -- you'll get a much better idea of who you are and trust me -- you'll really like her.

Firstly -- high school doesn't matter. Wait. Let me amend that. The academics matter somewhat, but all the rest of the stuff that's causing you to stress out? Don't even bother.

The yearbook turns out great, you pass your AP exams and prom is such a non-issue and as soon as it's over, you'll wonder:

A) why you fretted so much about it in the first place.
B) why you spent so much damn money.

Buy a cheap and cheerful dress and put the rest of that cash in your Kate Spade bag account (your 24-year-old self really wants one -- preferably from the London line).

The guy you end up going with? Good guy but not the guy for you. Try to remember the lyrics to As Time Goes By when you kiss him (which you will invariably do because he's cute and plays guitar). A kiss is just a kiss. Nothing more.

Speaking of people -- they change. They'll grow and move on and lose touch. It's bound to happen and it's all right. Very few people actually keep the promises they hastily scribble in yearbooks (by the way, an inordinate amount of people make reference to your virginity in your yearbook. Feel free to tell them to fuck off).

There's a tall white kid named Jerry at your school. You kinda know him, but not really. This guy will be the best friend you ever had. You'll end up rooming with him and Paul in college and it will be the best time of your life. Remember Paul's friends, Dana and Jake? They'll become family, just like Jerry and Paul. Think of this as a fabulous reward for all the crap you'll go through in that department in the next couple of years.

Yeah. About that? You're gonna go through a bit of a trial by fire. It all works out in the end, but for a while there -- it's gonna suck. My advice? Call bullshit when you see it and remember that the words 'Welcome' aren't tattooed on your back. You're going to meet someone who basically embodies everything that is wrong and rotten about humanity. Remember that her opinion means nothing and don't let her get to you. Like I said, call bullshit when you see it and you'll be calling it a lot in her case.

As for your love life, I know it's complicated now, but it doesn't have to be. The on-again-off-again drama you've been embroiled in since last year? Let it go. He's a tool and you deserve better. Seriously. Don't answer his calls, stop penning emo bullshit in your journals, turn off the sad bastard music and blast some AC/DC, alright?

Tough love? He doesn't love you and you don't love him. The sooner you accept that, the happier you'll be. Trust me.

All those people who deride your belief in a movie kind of love? They're idiots because it happens and it happens in a big way. You know Dan? The Internet Boy? Rainmann Dan? Yeah -- totally the love of your life. So much so that you move to Pennsylvania to be with him. I know, it sounds insane, but I swear it's true. Oh and in case you're wondering, he's just as cute now as he was in high school. (Proof of how amazing the Internet Boy is? You're gonna win an essay contest. Assbag McGee won't even call to congratulate you. Internet Boy, though? Will offer his genuine praise and congratulations and years later, you'll find a folder of your writing on his computer. Saved files because he thinks so much of your talent. See now why he's the love of your life? Yeah).

What else? Oh -- you find out that you have a bit of a quirky thyroid. Calm down. It's not a big deal -- just switch to decaf and your heart will stop doing that thing where it's trying to stampede out of your chest. You also discover that you're allergic to orange juice. Remember that on your 21st birthday when that last Screwdriver sends you over the edge.

The best advice I can give you is the best advice Kay gave me -- "Just keep writing and you'll be OK." Make sure you keep in touch with him. He's one of the better people in your life.

Oh yeah and one crucially important thing -- dear God, run out right now and buy a flat-iron. Seriously. Stop reading and do it. It'll be the best purchase you ever made and after one use, you'll become emotionally involved and I think your psychological well-being may even end up being connected to the straightness of your hair.

Have fun and when you're at your first Bakesale, keep an eagle-eye on the movements of the fat girl. Your/My ankle will thank you.

Lots of love:

Jaime xx

The horror, the horror....

I go to check my email and am confronted with the following headline:



The tri-skulled demon dog who guards the gates of hell just gained control of one of America's biggest automobile manufacturers?

Now, couple that with the fact that News Corp is buying Dow Jones.

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the apocalypse. Please keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times and please, don't pet the horses.