There's no place like home

I don't have many Christmas traditions but every year, I insist on watching The Wizard of Oz before December 25. I've noticed a pattern in which I have a much better holiday the years I watch the movie than years I don't.

So, last night while watching TV, Dan and I had the following conversation:

Dan: We better watch The Wizard of Oz before we leave for Florida.
Jaime: Why? It'll be on TNT like, eighty times before Christmas.
Dan: Yeah, but I'm not risking a plane crash because we didn't watch your Christmas movie.

The fact that I'm utterly unhinged has finally infected my poor fiance.

Everyone together now -- "I could while away the hours/Conferring with the flowers/Consulting with the raaainnn...."

Festivus Yes! Bagels No!

Happy Festivus!

I may not have an aluminum pole or evidence of a miracle but I do have a list of grievances just itching to be aired.

So, without further ado -- the Airing of Grievances:

- The Duggar Family and the media for fawning all over these people. Mr. and Mrs. Duggar: Stop having children! My God, the uterus is not a clown car! You can't possibly give each child the individual attention he or she deserves. To the media: Instead of mollycoddling a couple with an overactive reproductive system, how about lauding intellect? Scientists, mathematicians, artists, writers, philosophers! You know what happens when you praise stupidity? George W. Bush.

- Teenage girls going to the mall in their pajamas complete with bunny slippers. Really, girls? Come on! You drop the equivalent of my paycheck in one spree at Hollister. The least you can do is actually wear the clothing you purchase there.

- Dick Cheney (I thought evil like this only existed in comic books. He's like an unholy hybrid between Darth Vader and Lex Luthor) Rick Warren (handing out donuts does not make you any less of a bigot. It just makes you a homophobic publicity whore), Sarah Palin, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Michelle Malkin, Steve Doocy, Karl Rove, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid (for not being nearly as combative as they should have been), George W. Bush, Rod Blagojevich, Bill O'Reilly, the Mormon Church members who voted 'yes; on Prop 8 (In what universe is having multiple underage brides a sacrosanct definition of marriage?) and about twenty other people whose names alone cause a serious spike in my blood pressure.

- The sandwich I ate last night. When I order a grilled veggie grinder, I expect a grilled sandwich, stuffed with tomatoes, mushrooms, onions and broccoli with melted mozzarella cheese on top. A grilled lettuce, cucumber, carrot and tomato sandwich with melted mozzarella on top is not the same thing. Grilled cucumbers taste awful!

- Icy steps. I wiped out this morning and as a result, have a very festive fruitcake-colored bruise on my leg.

Now, as tradition dictates -- I challenge any blogger out there to a feat of strength. Jaime 3:16 is ready to whup some ass.

On a more serious note -- merry Christmas! Have a wonderful holiday!

Santa Baby....

Dear Santa (is Santa OK? Do you want to be called Mr. Claus or perhaps Nick? Kris?)

Hi. This is Jaime. Remember me? I'm usually on the good list until my big mouth gets me in trouble? Yeah. That's the one.

I know it's been a while since I wrote and for that, I apologize. Are you on Facebook? 'Cause that would make communication so much easier. Just watch out for all those stupid third party add-ons. They can get annoying after a while.

Oh and as for the whole not leaving cookies out on Christmas Eve thing? I know it seems like a dick move, but I was actually looking out for you. I figure you probably eat somewhere in the neighborhood of 300,000 cookies on Christmas Eve. This can only lead to one thing:



Yeah. No bueno. Just ask Wilford Brimley.

See, I've got your back, Big Guy.

Anyway, this year -- I decided to put my wish list online to make life easier for you. Also, I've divided the list into two different categories:

- Boy, This Girl Asks For Some Ridiculous Shit
- Alright, That I Can Handle That...

You ready? Let's hit it.

Boy, This Girl Asks For Some Ridiculous Shit

- Front row tickets to Led Zeppelin at Madison Square Garden back in 1973 and a Delorean that enables me to time-travel there and back. Dude, come on. It's the concert from The Song Remains The Same.

- Front row tickets to see Stevie Ray Vaughan in concern and a Delorean that enables me to time-travel there and back. Word of warning, though? I'd probably tell him not to get on that helicopter which might cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space time continuum, and destroy the entire universe! Granted, that's a worse case scenario. The destruction might in fact be very localized, limited to merely our own galaxy.

- A sit down with Bob and Harvey Weinstein. What? I've got some ideas....

- Hair like Alessandria Ambrosio's. No roots, no touch-ups. Just killer hair like this. Every day. No flat iron, product or curling iron required.



Look, while we're giving out fantasy presents, can I just ask for a body like hers too? One that I don't have to work to maintain at all? 'Cause that would be sweet. If I could eat cheese fries and look like this, that would rock.



Don't tell Mrs. Claus...and you're welcome.

- I was going to ask for world peace but given the fact that the current president is an idiot of monumental proportions, I'm sure he'd screw it up in a second and therefore, squander your gift. I also thought about asking you to fix the economic crisis but again, I'm sure they'd find a way to bollocks it all up before December 26th, so never mind.

Anyway, let's get to small stuff, shall we?

Alright, I Can Handle That...



This necklace. It's cute, quirky, super-affordable and available here.

That's it. See, I'm relatively easy to please!

Anyway -- fly safe and watch out for low-flying aircraft! Merry Christmas!

Lots of love:

Jaime xx

The art of Christmas sneakery as done by an expert

Christmas 2007. Dan and I exchange presents.

He goes first. He knows what he's getting. He's known for months. If I didn't tell him, he would have picked up The Simpsons Movie the second it came out and laid waste to my gift idea.

Now, it's my turn.

I gingerly tear off wrapping paper and there, staring me in the face in big white letters are the words, "Build a better resume!"

Huh.How....practical. I mean, it makes sense, right? I'm going to start job-hunting soon and I want my (incredibly meagre) resume to look good.

I look up at my very cute fiance who is smiling at me expectantly.

"Thanks...honey. That's so sweet of you to think about...."

I trail off, not really knowing how to finish that sentence or whether or not I can maintain a false air of happiness.

"Look," Dan explains, obviously oblivious to the fact that his fiance doesn't care for practicality when it comes to gifts. "See, it comes with this great pamphet!"

A pamphlet? I'm supposed to get excited about an effing pamplet?!

He thrusts a flimsy stack of papers at me and smiles. Damn it, he's cute. I half-heartedly rifle through the paper, wondering how you can know someone from the age of fifteen and not really know them at all.

Then, something odd catches my eye. Bold text reading, "Wachovia Center."

I flip to that page and my heart pretty much stops.

Thursday, February 21.
8:00 p.m.
Wachovia Center.

THE FOO FIGHTERS.

I stare at Dan, my mouth agape and he's doing that incredibly cute and incredibly annoying thing with his mouth -- the smile that says, "Ha ha! I gotcha, you sucker!"

"Dude...." I quietly intone while his mom, sister and brother-in-law look at me. The wave breaks and I let out an almighty shriek:

"DUDE! WE'RE SEEING THE FOO FIGHTERS!!"

The family cracks up and engulf Dan in a huge hug. Best. Present. Ever.

Thank God he uses his powers of deception for good and not evil.




In other Christmas-related news, my parents and sister might just be the coolest people ever. Why? Because this is what they got me:

My sister got me Eat, Pray Love by Elizabeth Mitchell. That's not the best part. This is -- she enclosed a note that made reference to her being a "d-bag" and then, signed it 'Sarikaisawesome.'

Indeed.

My parents gift was very, very cool. Most parents use Christmas as a time to eke out sweet little Hallmark moments between them and their kids. My parents wrote me a very nice note telling me how much they missed me and how they hope my first Christmas in PA is a good one...and attached said note to Ego-Trip's Big Book of Racism -- a tome which features the 'Are You A Racist' quiz. Sample question:

It's the annual Puerto Rican Day Parade. Boricuas from all across this great nation with descend upon the Manzana Grande to commemorate:

A) ass
B) Ass
C) ASS
D) AZZ (Boo-yow!)

Yeah. My parents are from the five six ace in the Gunshine State...and it shows.

I hope everyone had a very happy holiday. Tell me all about it!