My sister and I should be in charge of programming at MTV

Sarika: Oh Christ. How are birthers getting so much airtime?!
Jaime: I don't know -- I mean, why are we even legitimizing their bullshit? I'm just going to start making up baseless rumors.
Sarika: Seriously, you'll get on cable news in minutes
Jaime: Sean Hannity was born a black woman in antebellum Mississippi

Sarika: Nah, stick with unknown repubs, get them some airtime. That dude who was on the Real World is running for the house as a conservative republican that's actually true
Jaime: NO WAY!
Sarika: yep, the one from boston season. the guy who was a lumberjack
Jaime: Oh! Sean!
Sarika: http://3pts.wordpress.com/2009/07/02/ashland-county-district-attorney-sean-duffy-likely-to-run-for-congress/
Jaime: He married Rachel from RW 3 -- the Cuban Republican
Sarika: oh geez, well, he's running against a popular republican so he'll probably lose
Jaime: I don't know -- people are stupid and easily lead
Sarika: popular democrat* sorry
Jaime: Especially young people
Sarika: also, apparently, a lot of people in DC are pissed about the real world cast being there
Jaime: Although that season was a while ago, so who knows? They might not even know him!
Sarika: Probably, considering that he didn't have a three way in a hot tub while trying to further his rap career
Jaime: Career? Please! You know how much money those idiots make on the lecture circuit?
Sarika: Wait, seriously? Why the hell would anyone want them to lecture about ANYTHING?
Jaime: Go on real world and then, bum around for the next ten years doing club appearances and lectures

Sarika: Part of me wants to go on the show and just ruin things
Jaime: Yep -- they visit colleges all over the place and talk about their experiences. How so?
Sarika: like when people are having an argument go into the room and start singing or yelling loudly. that'll piss not only the roommates off, but the editors too.
Jaime: Start stumping for some insane political ideal -- "WHIG PARTY FOREVER!"
Sarika: so they can't use the footage
Jaime: Or just use a bunch of copyrighted terms -- "Oh Coca-Cola! You ARE the real thing!""Nike, you Just Do It better than the rest!"
Sarika: And paint things on the walls, like arbitrary political slogans -"Tippecanoe and Tyler too!""McGovern 72!"
Jaime: I Like Ike!
Sarika: Now you're getting it!
Jaime: God, that would be my favorite season ever
Sarika: I want to make it impossible to use any of my footage. And then ruin others' on air time
Jaime: Also, you should ask the blindingly obvious questions that the audience is screaming at the television - "So, hooked up with a married guy, huh? How's that being a whore thing treating you?"
Sarika: "Why are you yelling about a Snapple? is it because the camera is there?"
Jaime: "It's a good thing they're blurring your genitals because they're embarrassingly small."
Sarika: "do you really think your rap career will succeed? you're not very good.""no, NOT using a condom is the number one contributor to pregnancy"
Jaime: "You're just kissing that girl to get back at your father for not being around..."
Sarika: "why are you talking about gay marriage? you're completely politically uninformed. do you even know who your congressman is?"

Sarika: have you noticed that people's names on that show are getting more and more strange?
Jaime: Oh sweet Jesus, they're SO bad
Sarika: Khymmberlie. I made that up, but it is possible
Jaime: Ayiiaa. I didn't make that one up
Sarika: This season, i saw a commercial for it, there's a girl named Aiyaa. Yeah! Something like that, I knew it. TOO MANY VOWELS
Jaime: Cohutta. I KNOW!
Sarika: Brawny! That's an adjective!
Jaime: The quilted quicker picker upper or Connecticut WASP? You decide!
Sarika: I want there to be people who are in school on that show or working
Jaime: Kaia -- whose real name was Margaret. Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret. God, I'm tired of being a chubby outcast. Can you turn me into a pseudo-intellectual bulimic hipster with a ridiculous name?
Sarika: prayer answered
Jaime: I want that show to return to its roots -- first season, they lived in a cool loft, actually talked about things besides sex and had some diversity. Now? Generic hot people all vying for STDs and camera time
Sarika: I am going to go on now. i won't smoke, drink, or cause any drama. i will be non confrontational, but will paint copyrighted slogans everywhere and will play mind games with everyone by being entirely normal. i will find a job and ruin this show.
Jaime: Also, you can sing Prince songs EVERY time you're on camera. He's a litigious little leprechaun. They'll never be able to air that footage.

He's got enough self-esteem issues being a Chihuahua, Mom.

Dan and I were discussing Mark Sanford this morning:

Dan: Did you hear he said this Argentinian woman is his soul mate?
Me: He's a douche. He claims that marriage is sacred and was yelling for Clinton's blood and it turns out, he's doing the exact same thing. There's something very wrong with him.
Dan: I believe him.
Me: You do? You really think this woman is his soul mate?
Dan: Yeah. I mean, what if I had met someone who was nice and pretty and that I got along with just fine...
(At this point, I start thinking, "Oh God! He's talking about me! I'm the nice girl!")
Dan: ....and then, I met you. I couldn't stay with that woman knowing I belong with you.

This proves several things:

A) I have pitiful self-esteem. Seriously.
B) Dan is a lot more diplomatic than I am.
C) Dan is the sweetest guy ever. He wasn't being obsequious or saying this to get brownie points (which are insanely easy to earn with me because I am so damn susceptible to flattery). It was a simple statement of fact akin to water is wet...and that's why it meant so much.

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

Dan: I love making you laugh. It's like crack for me.

Apparently, I became quite giggly at the marina bar yesterday. I think it was less the alcohol and more the fact that Dan just happens to be a pretty funny guy.

Who says romance is dead?

I just got the following email from Dan:

"....Don’t worry about me on Christmas morning. As long as I wake up next to my most favorite present.

Love you!

P.S. I’ll be sleeping with my PS3 on Christmas Eve."

Who needs the love of a good woman when you've got a gaming console?

A Conversation Between Best Friends

The Best Friend: I was tricked into seeing that Twilight movie.

Jaime: What?! You saw Twilight?

The Best Friend: I was tricked! They said it was a vampire movie!

(Jaime dissolves into a fit of giggles)

The Best Friend: Vampires don't sparkle in sunlight!

Jaime: You saw Twilight, dude. Even I didn't see that movie!

The Best Friend: I was tricked!

Jaime: Awww, honey. It's OK. You might notice that your body is going through a lot of changes right now and it's all perfectly natural. When you're ready, we'll go out and get you some tampons. Would you like that?

The Best Friend: Fuck you.

Is it any wonder The Best Friend calls me, "such an asshole"?

A conversation between Mom and Myself

Mom: Oh, I talked to your cousin today.
Jaime: Yeah? How is he?
Mom: He's good, he's good. He lost his job.
Jaime: .....

Losing your job is good if:

+ You're a drug mule who shoves heroin-filled balloons up your ass.
+ You're an interspecies erotica artist.
+ You work on the set of an Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg movie.

My cousin works in finance.

Right....

Mom thinks I'm stupid

My mom's never been a big advocate of Western medicine and prefers to treat any sort of illness with natural cures. Me, on the other hand? I think along the same lines as Denis Leary:




So, I'm taking to Mom yesterday and she's telling me how to cure my irritatingly persistent cough.

Mom: Jemmy, do you want me to send you some ginger?
Me: Ginger? What? No. What am I gonna do with a hunk of ginger? Can you even mail ginger?
Mom: It'll help your cough and then, you can cook with whatever's left over.
Me: Firstly, I never use ginger when I cook. Ever. And secondly, I could just take some cough medicine.
Mom: Jemmy, those medicines aren't good for you. You should use natural cures. I was watching TV and this doctor was talking about how medicine actually makes you sick.
Me: Mom, was this a real doctor or like, a doctor of poetry? 'Cause seriously, anyone can be a doctor.
Mom: You couldn't.
Me (pause): Thanks, Mom. Thanks.

Indian woman doesn't think her offspring would succeed in the field of medicine. That's gotta be a first.

My, what a big wand you have...

(After watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)

The Boyfriend: Do you think that wizards use spells doing sex?
Me: What, like a summoning spell? Accio Orgasm?
The Boyfriend (while brandishing an imaginary wand): Clitoris!
Me: You know, I never realized just how much that word sounds like a spell....

The love of my life, ladies and gents. And hopefully the only time the word 'clitoris' will ever be featured on this blog.

I love how the Harry Potter franchise brings up the most disturbing conversations in my life. Before Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows came out, my sister and I were discussing the 'Unforgivable Curses' and came up with an interesting quandary:

Would Accio Still-Beating Heart be considered an 'Unforgivable Curse'?

Something to think about...or not.

You say asshole, I say sister.

(In reference to a girl's MySpace picture)

Sparky: She looks too fat for that hat!
Jaime: How do you look too fat for a hat?!
Sparky: She does! Her body was too big and her hat was too small. She looked like the Michelin Man, Jemmy. A tanner version of the Michelin Man...and uglier. She's got to be easy.
Jaime: She is!
Sparky: She probably puts out after 38 seconds.
Jaime: She puts out when someone bags her groceries.
Sparky: And she works at (insert name of well-known grocery chain)!
Sparky: Why didn't you warn me that you were looking at her MySpace? Now it's going to haunt me. I'll be eating my ice-cream cone and I'll think of her and....It's like an incentive to lose weight!

Show me a woman who's not jealous of another woman, and I'll show you a man.

(Discussing the drinks-from-strangers-in-bars policy now that we're both no longer single)

Dan: If some frat guy bought you a drink, I'd be upset.
Jaime: Why? I get a free drink. I don't have to go home with him.
Dan: Well, how would you feel if some girl bought me a drink?
Jaime: I'd make a necklace out of the bitch's teeth.
Dan (laughing): That's sweet.

Happy anniversary, baby. I love you.

Rockin' the suburbs

The Best Friend: Is it wrong that I identify with all these organized criminals?
Jaime: What do you mean you identify with them?
The Best Friend: Well, I can see why they did what they did to get ahead.
Jaime: Man, that's crap! Poverty doesn't justify criminal behavior. I'm poor. You're poor and you lived in a shitty neighborhood. You didn't kill people or sell dope. You're going to med school. You're gonna be a doctor.
The Best Friend: Hey man -- hustlin's hustlin.'
Jaime: Dude, you have got to stop listening to the hip hop.
The Best Friend: "The hip hop."
Jaime: Shut up.

Guess which one of us thinks Hootie and the Blowfish rocks? Yeah...

The people I love are assholes...

[After losing at Mario Kart]
Jaime: No, no, no, no....Goddamn it!
Paul: What's the matter, little girl? Did you lose?
Jaime: Shut up!
Paul: What are you gonna do? Write about it in your journal, emo kid?
Jerry: Are you gonna blog about it?
Jaime: You guys are assholes.

[Upon discussing a pre-nup]
Jaime: So, if you cheat on me, I get all your DVDs.
Dan: All of them?
Jaime: Yep.
Dan: Alright, if you cheat on me -- your citizenship gets revoked.

In conclusion -- the people I love are assholes...and that's probably why I love them so much.

♫ Download Gimme Shelter by The Rolling Stones here.

Years of rock shows = acute hearing loss

Jaime: Yo, Zelda Fitzgerald was a bitch.
Sparky: What about fruit salad?
Jaime: What?!
Sparky: You said something about fruit salad.
Jaime: No, I said 'Zelda Fitzgerald was a bitch.'
Sparky: Oh, I thought you said, 'Yo! I want some fruit salad, bitch!'

My friends are a-holes.

Conversations between Jake and I last night:

Jaime: Actually, I kind of have you to thank. Our song is that Early November cover of Power of Love.
Jake: That's a great song. You know now you'll have to name one of your kids after me, right?
Jaime: I don't want my kid to be an arsonist. Anyway, that's our song and so's that Buckcherry one.
Jake [erupts into laughter]: Which one? Crazy Bitch?!
Jaime: No! Dude! For The Movies!
Jake: I bet I know why that's your song too...
[Jake and Jerry start laughing]
Jaime: You're an asshole. You're both assholes. I hate you guys.


[While watching a Frontline commercial]
Jaime: Smashy! That's my dog!
Jake: Which one? The ugly one or the ugly one?
Jaime: The one on the right. Hey, screw you! Smashy's not ugly. He's awesome.
Jake: Your dog's a 'tard.
Jaime: You're a tard.
Jake: If two 'tards got together, got married, had kids and then got a dog? That would be your dog....'tard.
Jaime: Why am I friends with you?
Jake: 'Tard.

Friendship. It's when you know your friends are complete assholes and you love them anyway.

Happy families are all alike...

[Referring to my dad]

Sparky: Yeah, well, you yell at him all the time!
Jaime: So do you!
Sparky: No, I don't! I just belittle him.
Jaime: You're systematically demolishing his self-esteem.
Sparky: He's 50. He doesn't need that anymore.

[We love our dad. We really do. He's the most important guy in our lives. That's why we make fun of him. Mockery = love.]

That's nice...That's nice.

Sparky [after getting off the phone with our aunt]: I think she thinks I'm retarded.
Mom: No, you're not retarded, Saya.

This was about as close to a compliment my Mom gets to.

Nice. That's nice....and I'm being serious.

Damn computer. It ate everything. Big, fat, smug, damn stupid crappy piece of crappy crap.

This is the Transatlantic Best Friend [in the pink], my sister [in her Brand Nizzle shirt], the loveliest waitress in the world and me [in the black] at Cafe Milan in London. If you're in the area, check this place out. They have the best iced mochas ever. I think it's right near the High Street Kensington Tube Station, but I could be wrong.

In addition to being savvy enough to know what the kids on the street are listening to these days, my sister also seems to have some sense of technological wizardry [and a bit of a messiah complex]. A few months ago, my dad and cousin joined forces to annihiliate her computer [they claim it was an accident] and she not only lost all her photographs, but about 600 mp3s.
Today she calls me with the following:

Sparky: I am God of everything. I am awesome. Did you know that I was God? [Edited as per my sister's request]
Jaime: That's a pretty grandiose statement. What did you do? Find a nickel in the couch cushions?
Sparky: You know all those songs that I thought Papa erased from my computer?
Jaime: Yeah?
Sparky: I recovered all of them!
Jaime: Really?! That's awesome.
Sparky: See? I am God.
Jaime: How'd you do it?
Sparky: I don't know.
Jaime: I'm pretty sure God would remember something like that.
Sparky: You really think He remembers how He created the world?
Jaime: True...It was an awfully long time ago....

Blasphemy aside, my sister recovered her music. Awesome. So, to summarize -- Person of Indian descent good with computers. Shocking.

Best. Movie. Ever. I now know everything about the Spanish Inquisition.