Sweet beautiful drunk talk

I've got this odd habit of talking while I'm asleep. Random, disconnected flotsam that springs up apropos of nothing.

I'll be fast asleep and all of sudden, I'll find myself in a middle of a conversation.

At first, Dan was a little weirded out by it, but now, he finds it hilarious and has taken to seeing how far he can wind me up before I actually wake up.

Some gems from the past couple of months:

- "But you know, Rolling Stone magazine has never given Krusty the Clown a fair shake..."

Jaime: The ad campaign isn't very good....
Dan: What? What ad campaign?
[I wake up all of a sudden]
Jaime: Ad campaign? What the hell are you talking about?
[Dan looks bemused...again]

Jaime: Do you think the Batdance will be in the new movie?
Dan: Huh? Oh. Well, what do you think?
Jaime: I think it would be interesting but I can't see Christian Bale doing it.
[Dan starts laughing and I wake up with a start]
Jaime: Huh?! What? Why are you laughing?

Talking while I'm asleep. I always knew that characterization of me as Little Miss Chatterbox was spot-on.

An Open Letter To Britney's Handlers:

In response to news that Britney Spears may be pregnant again, I present a very simple concept:

+ ≠

Next time you're at Starbucks, order her a Grande three pump vanilla no fat no whip Yazacchino.

Humanity will thank you.

Daddy, Does God Have Feet?

Earlier this week, I watched two five-month old babies and their respective three-year-old siblings. The kids were remarkably well-behaved and I had a great time with them, but dear Lord - children are exhausting.

Things I learned from babysitting four children all under the age of four:

1) Don't do that.
2) Dora The Explorer is on all the time and if you watch more than an hour of the show, you will begin to hate immigrants.
3) Food going in is not proportionate to food coming out. Poop completely defies the laws of physics.
4) Little boys eat toxic waste. That's the only explanation for them being so smelly.
5) My nieces are ridiculously cute and as Dana Carvey said, the power of their cuteness does indeed heal everything.



Case in point? After making mac 'n cheese for lunch, Liv turns to me and says, "Aunt Jaime -- this was the best lunch ever."

Yeah. If this kid wants a pony for Christmas, she's getting one.

Following the encounter, I actually called Paps to apologize for my childhood. If I had to deal with me as a youngster, I would have thrown my younger self through a wall on numerous occasions and suffered from multiple heart attacks on a daily basis.

If I wasn't attempting to land myself in the emergency room (smashing head-first into a brick wall, pouring bubble mix into my eye, sliding across my grandparents' bed, coming an inch of slamming head-first into the radiator), I was talking. Incessantly. To anyone in a 20-foot radius.

Apparently, 'Stranger Danger' meant nothing to me and if that was worrisome in the 80s, can you imagine how terrifying it'll be ten years from now?

I watch To Catch A Predator. I know what kind of sick bastards are out there.

I don't know how parents do it. My sister and I were pretty good kids, but worrying about outside factors alone would drive anyone to drink. The fact that my parents aren't full-blown alcoholics amazes me.

On that note -- call your mom today. Tell her you love her and apologize for everything you ever did as a child. Her reaction will be priceless. Trust me.

And completely unrelated but plug-worthy nevertheless: The Namesake is finally out on DVD. Check out the movie and definitely read the book. Gorgeously written and alternately heart-breaking and heart-healing. Also, Kal Penn's kinda dreamy, if you're into that sort of thing (I myself, am not because Penn resembles every single one of my male cousins and that borders on creepy).

The Hills: A Night At The Opera

Check the show out online here.

This week, we met another member of the Pratt clan and Audrina finally got a clue and broke it off with Justin-Bobby.

Apparently, the Pratts spawned several tow-headed offspring and this week, we got to meet Spencer's sister, Stephanie or as Lauren called her, "She-Pratt." [She-Pratt (n): Also known as Stephanie, sibling of Spencer. Blonde banshee found trolling the Los Angeles area trying desperately to gain some notoriety by picking fights with MTV reality stars].

The aesthetic similarities by Heidi and Stephanie kinda freaked me out. She-Pratt is beer-goggles version of Heidi and your typical wing-man nightmare. If I was a dude and had to take that for the team, my buddy would have to keep me in blow and beer for a whole year to make up for it.

The doorway to Opera resembles either a Michael Bay movie or the Puffy/Nas video for Hate Me Now. Neither of which I'd particularly like to associate myself with.

"Just stop being mean girls?" First of all, Roxy is a prostitute's name. Secondly, who the hell is Roxy? The juxtaposition of a statement that juvenile coupled with her tranny-esque features made me wish I was friends with Rob Zombie so I could call him and say I had found the star for his next horror flick.

Much like her toolbox brother, She-Pratt is down with the Dark Side and shares the same Sith Lord mentality -- "When you hate my brother, I hate you." For the last time, Siths never prosper. It didn't work for Vader, it didn't work for Maul, it didn't work for Sidious and it's not working for George W. Bush. Let go of the absolutes and come hang out in the light.

Speaking of Star Wars, what was up with Justin Bobby rocking a Jedi-look? If he thought it would help him mind-trick Audrina while he was scamming with other girls? Well, let's just say neither the Force nor the intelligence is with him.

You Look Like A Pratt: Now, I realize this space is usually reserved for the facial follies of the Prattmeister, but due to my utterly sophomoric sense of humor, I just couldn't resist this:



Heidi's gaping maw. The picture practically Photoshops itself.

Now onto the break up:

"What do you need from me?" Did Justin-Bobby really ask this question 'cause there are a litany of answers -- I need you to stop feeding me bullshit. I need you to stop kissing other girls. I need you to stop being one person when you're alone with me and a complete other when you'rearound your friends. I need you to be my boyfriend but above all -- I need you to take an effing shower.

Broken relationships should be dealt with like broken bones -- clean and quick or they'll never heal properly. Here's to hoping Audrina moves on and we never see nor hear from J.Bob again.

Quote of the Week: She-Pratt came out swinging for the fences and actually picked up this week's distinction with her characterization of (Brody's bro and tertiary character) Frankie Delgado as, "a wannabe Wilmer Valderrama." It may seem like a harsh characterization, but remember that Valderrama also managed to score Mandy Moore and pre-trainwreck Lindsey Lohan. There are worse people to be compared to.

And finally, when did Stephanie become Heidi's BFF? Doesn't that dubious distinction go to Jen Bunney?

NEXT WEEK: She-Pratt causes tension between Spencer and Heidi and Audrina re-enters the dating world. I'm on the edge of my seat already.

In football news:

The Dolphins continue their season-long streak of breaking my heart, but unlike some fair-weather fans, I still bleed orange and teal. If nothing else, we'll have a killer draft pick and obilterate the competition next year.

Pop Quiz:

The New England Patriots can:

A) Suck it.
B) Suck it long.
C) Suck it hard.
D) All of the above.

The correct answer, of course, is D.

The Pats played the Eagles this weekend (they're my Zahara team -- after moving to the Philly suburbs, I adopted them) and after the game, Tom Brady was braying (like the ass he is) about the 31-28 win. Listen, peckerhead. When you're an 11-0 team, a 31-28 win is hardly something to be proud of.

Every time I watch the Pats play, I find myself wishing someone would tackle this assbag and then, step on his head. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm keeping the faith.

The Hills: With This Ring

Missed the episode? Check it out online here. If you caught it, let's discuss:

This week, Heidi and Spencer got into their 'first big fight' (errm, didn't this already happen when Spencer ejected Heidi from his car last season?) over wedding plans and Whitney went on a date with everyone's favorite personal trainer, Jarett.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong but when Jarett made a cameo earlier this season, he was portrayed as a gym-rat idiot who spent entirely too much time hanging out with a dude who waxed philosophical about $0.40 vintage tees. Audrina knows this. Lauren knows this so why would they advocate Whitney dating someone like this? Do they not like Whitney?

Speaking of Miss Port, I'm glad her social life is actually being highlighted. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear that Lisa Love kept her chained to her desk in case of some dire fashion emergency.

Because I'm a 14-year-old boy trapped inside the body of a 24-year-old girl, I thought Big Wang's was the greatest name for a bar ever. Also adding to my sophomoric glee? The fact that the eatery offers a dish called the Dirty Sanchez (a jalapeño and cheddar hot dog topped with chili and more cheddar. Definitely sounds like the culinary equivalent of the act, doesn't it?).

Now that we've effectively wrapped up the sub-plot, let's get into the meat of this week's episode -- Heidi and Spencer trying to plan a wedding.

I can't believe they're still fighting about it, either. I mean, dear Lord, Spencer. Cabo? Vegas? Dude, you're getting married, not spending a weekend with your bros.

Oh and, "just tell me what day to be there?" Unacceptable answer. If Dan said that, I would punch him in the larynx. Women, for the most part, understand men. We understand that you don't ooh-and-ahh over china and we're not asking you to. We just want a couple of honest opinions because we're both in this thing together.

And speaking of china -- Heidi, could you be more tacky? The only way you can justify owning china with names on it is if your name is either Kate Spade or Royal Doulton. (I own Kate Spade china, by the way and it's pink and green and just fabulous). And a crown? Two kinds of girls wear crowns -- three-year-olds playing dress-up and spoilt, pretentious super sweet sixteens. Though she intellectually fits both profile, I can categorically state that Miss Montag is neither a toddler nor a sixteen-year-old. Therefore, a crown would be a terrible accessory.

Was anyone else shocked that Pratt-Daddy didn't self-immolate or at least start smoking a bit when he set foot in the church?

And did anyone else notice that Spencer doesn't walk so much as he oozes into a room?

I don't often agree so vehemently with Heidi, but Blondie had a serious point here. I don't care if he rented EVERY honeymoon suite in Vegas. If a girl says she doesn't want to elope, then packing her bags and planning to whisk her off to Vegas will result in fail of epic proportions.

Which brings us to our Quote of the Week. It doesn't happen often but every now and then, Heidi's brain and mouth connect and she says something intelligent: "This isn't like, Spencer's relationship and you decide what we do." Valley-Girl speak aside, Miss Montag made a pretty salient point. A relationship is comprised of compromise and I don't think Pratt-Daddy quite understands that concept.

This week's You Look Like A Pratt is more proof that Spencer is incredibly aptly named. Introducing Spencer Douchenozzle Mimsy de Prattfeather:

He manages to be both waspy and waspish. What a winning combination.

In conclusion, Heidi and Spencer are idiots. You would think of everyone in this world, these two dolts would realize that once MTV starts interfering in your relationship -- your relationship is doomed to fail. Nick and Jessica. Carmen and Dave. Shanna and Travis. These are not politicians or academic scholars or anyone of remote importance -- these are celebrities. People Pratt-Daddy and Heidi actually know about and understand. MTV meddling = inevitable crash-and-burn of relationship.

Next week: We meet more of the Pratt clan. Spencer has a sister? Dub?!

On and totally unrelated, but I am seriously jonesing for a Coke Slurpee.

The Hills: Forgive and Forget

Yes, I realize I'm a day late with this week's recap, but I have good reason.

Yesterday, Dan and I trooped down to Philly to have my biometrics done. In simpler terms -- I got fingerprinted for my work authorization permit and green card! We also spent some quality time at Reading Terminal Market -- home of the world's best brownies courtesy of the Flying Monkey Patisserie and had an All-American lunch at the Melrose Diner. No wonder Philadelphia was voted the fattest city in the country -- there is so much good food here.

Anyway, moving on: if you missed the show too, you can make like me and check it out online here.

This week, Heidi vs. Lauren -- the Thrilla at the Hollywood Villas. The girls finally come face to face (again) and air out their grievances.

Heidi and Lauren ran into each other at a Declare Yourself event -- essentially, a really well-promoted voter registration drive. That being said, I wonder how many cast members are actually registered to vote?

Dreads, Justin-Bobby? Really? Unless you're Rastafari, dreads are nothing more than the easiest way to stop washing your hair. And the burping? Seriously nauseating. I'm hardly little miss prim-and-proper, but that was just foul.

LOVED the look on Lauren's face when Heidi came sauntering up. Without saying a word, she communicated, "Bitch, even you can't be this stupid."



How awkward do you think that scene was for Whitney and Kim? I mean, by this point I'm sure Whitney is used to Heidi's histronics, but Kim? Just kinda stood there clutching her drink and feeling completely out of place.

And that first meeting brings us to our Quote of the Week in which Lauren tells Heidi: "Having your boyfriend do your dirty work doesn't make you innocent." Guilty by association. Now, in most cases -- I would refute this, but when it comes to Speidi? I'm taking Lauren's side. What kind of asshole best friend sits idly by while her boyfriend spreads malicious lies?

Speaking of Pratt-Daddy, it 's time for this week's edition of You Look Like A Pratt!. This week, Spencer unveiled 'Old Yeller' -- the bared teeth, the fluffy blonde mop and the frenzied rabid expression. The only difference between the pooch and the Pratt? The dog used to be lovable at one point.



Love Chiara (even though she sounds like a tertiary character on Thundercats) because she repeatedly shut down any of Audrina's plans to meet up with J.Bob.

Now, onto the confrontation -- Heidi bought flowers, commented on how pretty the apartment was and skirted her way around whether she and Spencer were responsible for the sex tape scandal. Lauren said she wanted to forgive and forget Miss Montag. Hardly Ali versus Frazer. Heidi seems incredibly lonely and desperate to regain Lauren's friendship but Lauren's not having any of it. Why should she? Trust is fundamental to any relationship and when the trust disappears, so does the relationship.

Next week: A timely recap featuring Heidi and Spencer's wedding planning. I wonder who MTV is planning to cast as the officiant. I say, bring back Richard Grieco. I mean, he rocked on 21 Jump Street.

Another bright spot for the resume

I can now add published photographer to my illustrious list of accomplishments (pop culture junkie, blogger, published writer and little girl who can eat a remarkable amount of pizza being the most impressive. I'm not a very accomplished individual).

Schmap.com published my photograph of the Pennsylvania Convention Center and you can check it out here.

Guess that photography class I took in college paid off after all :)

Oh and a congratulations to my dad and uncle who won the Tallahassee Chamber of Commerce's Drycleaner of the Year award. Good job, guys! Keep cleaning my stuff for free :)

You know, if I said something like that, you'd call me a snob.

Last night, I asked Dan to DVR The Hills and as usual, he sighed and begrudgingly did so, but not before commenting -- "How can you like this show? You've got such good taste in everything else."

That got me thinking.

For a while now, I've been the 'Music Girl' -- a walking VH1 special.

Whenever Pepe gets an ear-worm, he calls me and warbles off-key and I, in turn, tell him the song that's been stuck in his head for the past week and a half. I know which movie Bob Dylan wrote Knockin' On Heaven's Door for (Pat Garrett and Billy The Kid) and who the Foo Fighters' In Your Honor is allegedly dedicated to (John Kerry). I know it was a red snapper and not a mudshark at the Edgewater Inn on July 27, 1969 and I also know that the 'G' in G. Love stands for 'Good.'

I've always felt like a bit of a fraud, though.

Everyone thinks I'm this music aficionado but my taste is so incredibly populist. My favorite song in the world is Wild Horses by The Rolling Stones. It's not some B-side Elvis Costello gem or a track from some indie band who are so cool that they don't even exist yet. It's one of the Stones' most famous tracks and has been covered by everyone from Jewel to Guns 'N Roses to the Flying Burrito Brothers.

So, how about some opinions -- Is populist necessarily bad? Does having good taste mean being a snob?

Expand this to all facets of life, not just music. Does preferring Chunky Monkey over Tarte Tatin with Crème Anglaise make your opinions on food any less valid? Is being a Brett Ratner fan a greater offense than being a Wes Anderson fan (Well...this one's somewhat true. Ratner's a schmuck)?

Let me know what you think. Oh and let me know what your favorite song, dessert and director are too.

The Hills: Young Hollywood

If you missed it or just feel like destroying braincells, you can watch last night's episode online here.

This week's episode was another quiet one, despite the fact that both Heidi's 21st birthday and the Teen Vogue Young Hollywood party were central to the storyline. You think the writers for this show went on strike long before the rest of the WGA did?

Completely beyond me is the fact that MTV edited the show to make it seem like Miss Montag had a quiet 21st birthday when in actuality, she spent it at Los Angeles hotspot LAX (also known DJ Am's digs) bleating out her new single. There's even video of the musical massacre.



Firstly, Heidi. Hire a choreographer, stat. Having a seizure to music does not constitute as dancing and secondly, I realize MTV is on par with the Bush administration when it comes to deception and trickery, but come on. I may watch The Hills, but I'm not that stupid.

Speaking of Heidi, you know how I'm constantly coveting her job? Changed my mind! I want Audrina's job. I had completely forgotten that she worked for Epic Records. I would love to work for a record label. Especially one like Epic whose talent roster includes AC/DC, Pearl Jam and Ben Folds. The schmoozing and drinking with musicians would be nice, but I'd much rather work in the background. Hell, I'd edit copy on lyric sheets and go on coffee runs if it meant a job at a label.

Oh and in case you're wondering -- the Naughty Schoolgirl cocktail Audrina ordered at One consists of Stoli Raz, lemonade, a raspberry sugar rim and a lollypop garnish. But, education doesn't come cheap. If you want to down one of these luscious libations, be prepared to pony up $13 per drink.

The tension between Justin-Bobby and the dude from The Ruse was hilarious. I realize that our boy Bobby hardly qualifies as a loquacious lothario, but what the hell does, "she's a good girl" really even mean? Does it mean that you're dating her or does it mean that Miss Patridge won't hop on the good foot and do the bad thing? I'm not saying the dude from The Ruse was a great catch, but JB is an anchor dragging down the good ship Audrina.

And the topic of lousy significant others leads us directly to this week's edition of You Look Like A Pratt!

We've seen the 'Bitch, I'mma Brain You' face. We've seen 'The Beavis.' And this week, Pratt-Daddy revealed another fascinating facet of his glowing personality. The Attentive Boyfriend.



Note the lovelight in Pratt-Daddy's eyes as he tenderly caresses the keypad on his iPhone. Listen, Admiral Douchenozzle. I realize you just dropped what probably qualifies as a tuition payment on Heidi's Chanel Bag, but dude, put away the phone and spend some time actually talking to your fiance.

Quote of the Week: There is no QOTW this week, ladies and gentlemen. Remember, you're watching The Hills, not House.

Next Week: Heidi and Lauren meet to make up! Unless someone really goes for the gold, I've already got next week's Quote of the Week lined up. Lauren telling Heidi -- "I want to forgive you and I want to forget you."

Smart girl, that Lauren. I just wish I had the intelligence to have told my exes the same thing.