The Hills: Rolling With The Enemy

If you missed last night's episode, you can watch it here. If you caught it -- let's discuss:

Why is Heidi's boss so interested in the affairs of Heidi's former friends? Unless my boss was a 14-year-old girl, I'd be really weirded out by that.

Speaking of Bolthouse, I cannot believe that Heidi got a chance to meet Chelsea! How is that her job?! I'd cleats-up tackle someone for the opportunity to meet Joe Cole or John Terry and I'm willing to bet good money that David Beckham is the only footballer that Miss Montag could identify in a line-up. This fact had me suffused with verdant jealousy...until I realized that Heidi goes home to Spencer every night and then, I just felt kinda bad for her.

Speaking of Pratt-Daddy, it's time for another edition of You Look Like A Pratt. This week, he unveiled the Pouting Ferret Face:

It looks like there's a tiny, very blonde ferret nesting underneath his lip. There are certain men who can pull off facial hair. Mr. Pratt is not one of them. He looks like someone ran amok on a Ken Doll using a yellow Magic Marker. Thank God he shaved by the end of the episode. It was so distracting.

Unlike the follicular follies of Spencer, Lauren's friend Ryan had the most glorious white-boy 'fro I've ever seen. It emanated from his head like rays of blonde sunshine. I wonder if that's difficult to maintain....

More Lo! The more I see this girl, the more I realize that every girl needs a friend like her -- someone who's brutally honest and will tell you, "Honey, your ass does look fat in those pants." Or in Audrina's case, if it's been four months, Justin-Bobby should probably be your boyfriend.

Speaking of Mr. Bobby, we had a thumbs up/thumbs down situation with him this week. Thumbs Up: He drives a bitchin' Camaro.
Thumbs Down: "Rebelling" against society by dodging commitment is piss-weak. In addition to this, his comment about how he got the 'gist' of Audrina was incredibly condescending. It's like saying, " You have so little substance and are so far beneath me that I don't have to attempt to fully understand you. I understand the superficial sheen of who you are and that's all the effort I have to put in." Lauren said it best -- "You weren't being oversensitive. He was being over-asshole."

Which leads us right into the quote of the episode. While Lauren's little nugget of wisdom was good, this week's distinction goes to Brody Jenner who eloquently huffed, "What a bitch," after hanging up with Spencer. Breaking up is hard to do, Brody but I'm sure you'll bounce back. It's always tragic when hetero lifemates split. I mean, this is exactly what the conservatives are on about when they talk about the dissolution of moral values in this country. We need to get back to a time when 'bros before hos' actually meant something.

And I never thought I'd ever associate Republican politics with The Hills, but I'll be damned if Pratt didn't have a little Bush moment this week. Apparently, rolling around with Spence's enemies makes you an enemy. Doesn't that sound an awful lot like either you're with us or you're against us? Spencer, I realize that you've probably only stumbled across MSNBC or CNN while channel-surfing, so let me put this in terms you'll hopefully understand -- only a Sith Lord deals in absolutes. So, let's back it up with the power-tripping, alright Anakin?

Jen Bunney has ugly shoes. I'm sorry, but those wedges were just hideous.

And here are some snaps of Miss Bunney accompanying Heidi for a spot of wedding-dress shopping. As someone who's experienced an influx of bridal paraphernalia in her life lately, I'm gonna go on the record and state that Montag's dress might just be the most generic looking gown ever.

Next Week: Jason! Heidi and Spencer's Machiavellian Scheming! More Urban Aphorisms Courtesy of Rich White Dudes!

Oh and just for a hot second, can we talk about Justin Timberlake's FutureSex/LoveShow on HBO last night?



Dear God, what I would have given to have been in that audience. You can survive with one kidney, right?

Despite The Fiance's insistence that Timberlake resembles a giant Gerber Baby (In his defense, these comments were probably spurred by my frequent verbal ejaculations of, "Oh Mr. Timberlake. Womb for rent" and "Dude, I would ride that donkey to sleep!"), the show was incredible. Tight instrumentation, sparse yet effective visuals and the vibe was much more like an intimate club show than a mythological Madison Square Garden appearance. Every song was great, but what sold it for me was What Goes Around...Comes Around. Phenomenal. Just phenomenal.

If you have mp3s of the show, please send 'em my way. Thanks guys!