Sweet beautiful drunk talk

I've got this odd habit of talking while I'm asleep. Random, disconnected flotsam that springs up apropos of nothing.

I'll be fast asleep and all of sudden, I'll find myself in a middle of a conversation.

At first, Dan was a little weirded out by it, but now, he finds it hilarious and has taken to seeing how far he can wind me up before I actually wake up.

Some gems from the past couple of months:

- "But you know, Rolling Stone magazine has never given Krusty the Clown a fair shake..."

Jaime: The ad campaign isn't very good....
Dan: What? What ad campaign?
[I wake up all of a sudden]
Jaime: Ad campaign? What the hell are you talking about?
[Dan looks bemused...again]

Jaime: Do you think the Batdance will be in the new movie?
Dan: Huh? Oh. Well, what do you think?
Jaime: I think it would be interesting but I can't see Christian Bale doing it.
[Dan starts laughing and I wake up with a start]
Jaime: Huh?! What? Why are you laughing?

Talking while I'm asleep. I always knew that characterization of me as Little Miss Chatterbox was spot-on.

An Open Letter To Britney's Handlers:

In response to news that Britney Spears may be pregnant again, I present a very simple concept:

+ ≠

Next time you're at Starbucks, order her a Grande three pump vanilla no fat no whip Yazacchino.

Humanity will thank you.

Daddy, Does God Have Feet?

Earlier this week, I watched two five-month old babies and their respective three-year-old siblings. The kids were remarkably well-behaved and I had a great time with them, but dear Lord - children are exhausting.

Things I learned from babysitting four children all under the age of four:

1) Don't do that.
2) Dora The Explorer is on all the time and if you watch more than an hour of the show, you will begin to hate immigrants.
3) Food going in is not proportionate to food coming out. Poop completely defies the laws of physics.
4) Little boys eat toxic waste. That's the only explanation for them being so smelly.
5) My nieces are ridiculously cute and as Dana Carvey said, the power of their cuteness does indeed heal everything.



Case in point? After making mac 'n cheese for lunch, Liv turns to me and says, "Aunt Jaime -- this was the best lunch ever."

Yeah. If this kid wants a pony for Christmas, she's getting one.

Following the encounter, I actually called Paps to apologize for my childhood. If I had to deal with me as a youngster, I would have thrown my younger self through a wall on numerous occasions and suffered from multiple heart attacks on a daily basis.

If I wasn't attempting to land myself in the emergency room (smashing head-first into a brick wall, pouring bubble mix into my eye, sliding across my grandparents' bed, coming an inch of slamming head-first into the radiator), I was talking. Incessantly. To anyone in a 20-foot radius.

Apparently, 'Stranger Danger' meant nothing to me and if that was worrisome in the 80s, can you imagine how terrifying it'll be ten years from now?

I watch To Catch A Predator. I know what kind of sick bastards are out there.

I don't know how parents do it. My sister and I were pretty good kids, but worrying about outside factors alone would drive anyone to drink. The fact that my parents aren't full-blown alcoholics amazes me.

On that note -- call your mom today. Tell her you love her and apologize for everything you ever did as a child. Her reaction will be priceless. Trust me.

And completely unrelated but plug-worthy nevertheless: The Namesake is finally out on DVD. Check out the movie and definitely read the book. Gorgeously written and alternately heart-breaking and heart-healing. Also, Kal Penn's kinda dreamy, if you're into that sort of thing (I myself, am not because Penn resembles every single one of my male cousins and that borders on creepy).

The Hills: A Night At The Opera

Check the show out online here.

This week, we met another member of the Pratt clan and Audrina finally got a clue and broke it off with Justin-Bobby.

Apparently, the Pratts spawned several tow-headed offspring and this week, we got to meet Spencer's sister, Stephanie or as Lauren called her, "She-Pratt." [She-Pratt (n): Also known as Stephanie, sibling of Spencer. Blonde banshee found trolling the Los Angeles area trying desperately to gain some notoriety by picking fights with MTV reality stars].

The aesthetic similarities by Heidi and Stephanie kinda freaked me out. She-Pratt is beer-goggles version of Heidi and your typical wing-man nightmare. If I was a dude and had to take that for the team, my buddy would have to keep me in blow and beer for a whole year to make up for it.

The doorway to Opera resembles either a Michael Bay movie or the Puffy/Nas video for Hate Me Now. Neither of which I'd particularly like to associate myself with.

"Just stop being mean girls?" First of all, Roxy is a prostitute's name. Secondly, who the hell is Roxy? The juxtaposition of a statement that juvenile coupled with her tranny-esque features made me wish I was friends with Rob Zombie so I could call him and say I had found the star for his next horror flick.

Much like her toolbox brother, She-Pratt is down with the Dark Side and shares the same Sith Lord mentality -- "When you hate my brother, I hate you." For the last time, Siths never prosper. It didn't work for Vader, it didn't work for Maul, it didn't work for Sidious and it's not working for George W. Bush. Let go of the absolutes and come hang out in the light.

Speaking of Star Wars, what was up with Justin Bobby rocking a Jedi-look? If he thought it would help him mind-trick Audrina while he was scamming with other girls? Well, let's just say neither the Force nor the intelligence is with him.

You Look Like A Pratt: Now, I realize this space is usually reserved for the facial follies of the Prattmeister, but due to my utterly sophomoric sense of humor, I just couldn't resist this:



Heidi's gaping maw. The picture practically Photoshops itself.

Now onto the break up:

"What do you need from me?" Did Justin-Bobby really ask this question 'cause there are a litany of answers -- I need you to stop feeding me bullshit. I need you to stop kissing other girls. I need you to stop being one person when you're alone with me and a complete other when you'rearound your friends. I need you to be my boyfriend but above all -- I need you to take an effing shower.

Broken relationships should be dealt with like broken bones -- clean and quick or they'll never heal properly. Here's to hoping Audrina moves on and we never see nor hear from J.Bob again.

Quote of the Week: She-Pratt came out swinging for the fences and actually picked up this week's distinction with her characterization of (Brody's bro and tertiary character) Frankie Delgado as, "a wannabe Wilmer Valderrama." It may seem like a harsh characterization, but remember that Valderrama also managed to score Mandy Moore and pre-trainwreck Lindsey Lohan. There are worse people to be compared to.

And finally, when did Stephanie become Heidi's BFF? Doesn't that dubious distinction go to Jen Bunney?

NEXT WEEK: She-Pratt causes tension between Spencer and Heidi and Audrina re-enters the dating world. I'm on the edge of my seat already.

In football news:

The Dolphins continue their season-long streak of breaking my heart, but unlike some fair-weather fans, I still bleed orange and teal. If nothing else, we'll have a killer draft pick and obilterate the competition next year.

Pop Quiz:

The New England Patriots can:

A) Suck it.
B) Suck it long.
C) Suck it hard.
D) All of the above.

The correct answer, of course, is D.

The Pats played the Eagles this weekend (they're my Zahara team -- after moving to the Philly suburbs, I adopted them) and after the game, Tom Brady was braying (like the ass he is) about the 31-28 win. Listen, peckerhead. When you're an 11-0 team, a 31-28 win is hardly something to be proud of.

Every time I watch the Pats play, I find myself wishing someone would tackle this assbag and then, step on his head. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm keeping the faith.

The Hills: With This Ring

Missed the episode? Check it out online here. If you caught it, let's discuss:

This week, Heidi and Spencer got into their 'first big fight' (errm, didn't this already happen when Spencer ejected Heidi from his car last season?) over wedding plans and Whitney went on a date with everyone's favorite personal trainer, Jarett.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong but when Jarett made a cameo earlier this season, he was portrayed as a gym-rat idiot who spent entirely too much time hanging out with a dude who waxed philosophical about $0.40 vintage tees. Audrina knows this. Lauren knows this so why would they advocate Whitney dating someone like this? Do they not like Whitney?

Speaking of Miss Port, I'm glad her social life is actually being highlighted. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear that Lisa Love kept her chained to her desk in case of some dire fashion emergency.

Because I'm a 14-year-old boy trapped inside the body of a 24-year-old girl, I thought Big Wang's was the greatest name for a bar ever. Also adding to my sophomoric glee? The fact that the eatery offers a dish called the Dirty Sanchez (a jalapeño and cheddar hot dog topped with chili and more cheddar. Definitely sounds like the culinary equivalent of the act, doesn't it?).

Now that we've effectively wrapped up the sub-plot, let's get into the meat of this week's episode -- Heidi and Spencer trying to plan a wedding.

I can't believe they're still fighting about it, either. I mean, dear Lord, Spencer. Cabo? Vegas? Dude, you're getting married, not spending a weekend with your bros.

Oh and, "just tell me what day to be there?" Unacceptable answer. If Dan said that, I would punch him in the larynx. Women, for the most part, understand men. We understand that you don't ooh-and-ahh over china and we're not asking you to. We just want a couple of honest opinions because we're both in this thing together.

And speaking of china -- Heidi, could you be more tacky? The only way you can justify owning china with names on it is if your name is either Kate Spade or Royal Doulton. (I own Kate Spade china, by the way and it's pink and green and just fabulous). And a crown? Two kinds of girls wear crowns -- three-year-olds playing dress-up and spoilt, pretentious super sweet sixteens. Though she intellectually fits both profile, I can categorically state that Miss Montag is neither a toddler nor a sixteen-year-old. Therefore, a crown would be a terrible accessory.

Was anyone else shocked that Pratt-Daddy didn't self-immolate or at least start smoking a bit when he set foot in the church?

And did anyone else notice that Spencer doesn't walk so much as he oozes into a room?

I don't often agree so vehemently with Heidi, but Blondie had a serious point here. I don't care if he rented EVERY honeymoon suite in Vegas. If a girl says she doesn't want to elope, then packing her bags and planning to whisk her off to Vegas will result in fail of epic proportions.

Which brings us to our Quote of the Week. It doesn't happen often but every now and then, Heidi's brain and mouth connect and she says something intelligent: "This isn't like, Spencer's relationship and you decide what we do." Valley-Girl speak aside, Miss Montag made a pretty salient point. A relationship is comprised of compromise and I don't think Pratt-Daddy quite understands that concept.

This week's You Look Like A Pratt is more proof that Spencer is incredibly aptly named. Introducing Spencer Douchenozzle Mimsy de Prattfeather:

He manages to be both waspy and waspish. What a winning combination.

In conclusion, Heidi and Spencer are idiots. You would think of everyone in this world, these two dolts would realize that once MTV starts interfering in your relationship -- your relationship is doomed to fail. Nick and Jessica. Carmen and Dave. Shanna and Travis. These are not politicians or academic scholars or anyone of remote importance -- these are celebrities. People Pratt-Daddy and Heidi actually know about and understand. MTV meddling = inevitable crash-and-burn of relationship.

Next week: We meet more of the Pratt clan. Spencer has a sister? Dub?!

On and totally unrelated, but I am seriously jonesing for a Coke Slurpee.

The Hills: Forgive and Forget

Yes, I realize I'm a day late with this week's recap, but I have good reason.

Yesterday, Dan and I trooped down to Philly to have my biometrics done. In simpler terms -- I got fingerprinted for my work authorization permit and green card! We also spent some quality time at Reading Terminal Market -- home of the world's best brownies courtesy of the Flying Monkey Patisserie and had an All-American lunch at the Melrose Diner. No wonder Philadelphia was voted the fattest city in the country -- there is so much good food here.

Anyway, moving on: if you missed the show too, you can make like me and check it out online here.

This week, Heidi vs. Lauren -- the Thrilla at the Hollywood Villas. The girls finally come face to face (again) and air out their grievances.

Heidi and Lauren ran into each other at a Declare Yourself event -- essentially, a really well-promoted voter registration drive. That being said, I wonder how many cast members are actually registered to vote?

Dreads, Justin-Bobby? Really? Unless you're Rastafari, dreads are nothing more than the easiest way to stop washing your hair. And the burping? Seriously nauseating. I'm hardly little miss prim-and-proper, but that was just foul.

LOVED the look on Lauren's face when Heidi came sauntering up. Without saying a word, she communicated, "Bitch, even you can't be this stupid."



How awkward do you think that scene was for Whitney and Kim? I mean, by this point I'm sure Whitney is used to Heidi's histronics, but Kim? Just kinda stood there clutching her drink and feeling completely out of place.

And that first meeting brings us to our Quote of the Week in which Lauren tells Heidi: "Having your boyfriend do your dirty work doesn't make you innocent." Guilty by association. Now, in most cases -- I would refute this, but when it comes to Speidi? I'm taking Lauren's side. What kind of asshole best friend sits idly by while her boyfriend spreads malicious lies?

Speaking of Pratt-Daddy, it 's time for this week's edition of You Look Like A Pratt!. This week, Spencer unveiled 'Old Yeller' -- the bared teeth, the fluffy blonde mop and the frenzied rabid expression. The only difference between the pooch and the Pratt? The dog used to be lovable at one point.



Love Chiara (even though she sounds like a tertiary character on Thundercats) because she repeatedly shut down any of Audrina's plans to meet up with J.Bob.

Now, onto the confrontation -- Heidi bought flowers, commented on how pretty the apartment was and skirted her way around whether she and Spencer were responsible for the sex tape scandal. Lauren said she wanted to forgive and forget Miss Montag. Hardly Ali versus Frazer. Heidi seems incredibly lonely and desperate to regain Lauren's friendship but Lauren's not having any of it. Why should she? Trust is fundamental to any relationship and when the trust disappears, so does the relationship.

Next week: A timely recap featuring Heidi and Spencer's wedding planning. I wonder who MTV is planning to cast as the officiant. I say, bring back Richard Grieco. I mean, he rocked on 21 Jump Street.

Another bright spot for the resume

I can now add published photographer to my illustrious list of accomplishments (pop culture junkie, blogger, published writer and little girl who can eat a remarkable amount of pizza being the most impressive. I'm not a very accomplished individual).

Schmap.com published my photograph of the Pennsylvania Convention Center and you can check it out here.

Guess that photography class I took in college paid off after all :)

Oh and a congratulations to my dad and uncle who won the Tallahassee Chamber of Commerce's Drycleaner of the Year award. Good job, guys! Keep cleaning my stuff for free :)

You know, if I said something like that, you'd call me a snob.

Last night, I asked Dan to DVR The Hills and as usual, he sighed and begrudgingly did so, but not before commenting -- "How can you like this show? You've got such good taste in everything else."

That got me thinking.

For a while now, I've been the 'Music Girl' -- a walking VH1 special.

Whenever Pepe gets an ear-worm, he calls me and warbles off-key and I, in turn, tell him the song that's been stuck in his head for the past week and a half. I know which movie Bob Dylan wrote Knockin' On Heaven's Door for (Pat Garrett and Billy The Kid) and who the Foo Fighters' In Your Honor is allegedly dedicated to (John Kerry). I know it was a red snapper and not a mudshark at the Edgewater Inn on July 27, 1969 and I also know that the 'G' in G. Love stands for 'Good.'

I've always felt like a bit of a fraud, though.

Everyone thinks I'm this music aficionado but my taste is so incredibly populist. My favorite song in the world is Wild Horses by The Rolling Stones. It's not some B-side Elvis Costello gem or a track from some indie band who are so cool that they don't even exist yet. It's one of the Stones' most famous tracks and has been covered by everyone from Jewel to Guns 'N Roses to the Flying Burrito Brothers.

So, how about some opinions -- Is populist necessarily bad? Does having good taste mean being a snob?

Expand this to all facets of life, not just music. Does preferring Chunky Monkey over Tarte Tatin with Crème Anglaise make your opinions on food any less valid? Is being a Brett Ratner fan a greater offense than being a Wes Anderson fan (Well...this one's somewhat true. Ratner's a schmuck)?

Let me know what you think. Oh and let me know what your favorite song, dessert and director are too.

The Hills: Young Hollywood

If you missed it or just feel like destroying braincells, you can watch last night's episode online here.

This week's episode was another quiet one, despite the fact that both Heidi's 21st birthday and the Teen Vogue Young Hollywood party were central to the storyline. You think the writers for this show went on strike long before the rest of the WGA did?

Completely beyond me is the fact that MTV edited the show to make it seem like Miss Montag had a quiet 21st birthday when in actuality, she spent it at Los Angeles hotspot LAX (also known DJ Am's digs) bleating out her new single. There's even video of the musical massacre.



Firstly, Heidi. Hire a choreographer, stat. Having a seizure to music does not constitute as dancing and secondly, I realize MTV is on par with the Bush administration when it comes to deception and trickery, but come on. I may watch The Hills, but I'm not that stupid.

Speaking of Heidi, you know how I'm constantly coveting her job? Changed my mind! I want Audrina's job. I had completely forgotten that she worked for Epic Records. I would love to work for a record label. Especially one like Epic whose talent roster includes AC/DC, Pearl Jam and Ben Folds. The schmoozing and drinking with musicians would be nice, but I'd much rather work in the background. Hell, I'd edit copy on lyric sheets and go on coffee runs if it meant a job at a label.

Oh and in case you're wondering -- the Naughty Schoolgirl cocktail Audrina ordered at One consists of Stoli Raz, lemonade, a raspberry sugar rim and a lollypop garnish. But, education doesn't come cheap. If you want to down one of these luscious libations, be prepared to pony up $13 per drink.

The tension between Justin-Bobby and the dude from The Ruse was hilarious. I realize that our boy Bobby hardly qualifies as a loquacious lothario, but what the hell does, "she's a good girl" really even mean? Does it mean that you're dating her or does it mean that Miss Patridge won't hop on the good foot and do the bad thing? I'm not saying the dude from The Ruse was a great catch, but JB is an anchor dragging down the good ship Audrina.

And the topic of lousy significant others leads us directly to this week's edition of You Look Like A Pratt!

We've seen the 'Bitch, I'mma Brain You' face. We've seen 'The Beavis.' And this week, Pratt-Daddy revealed another fascinating facet of his glowing personality. The Attentive Boyfriend.



Note the lovelight in Pratt-Daddy's eyes as he tenderly caresses the keypad on his iPhone. Listen, Admiral Douchenozzle. I realize you just dropped what probably qualifies as a tuition payment on Heidi's Chanel Bag, but dude, put away the phone and spend some time actually talking to your fiance.

Quote of the Week: There is no QOTW this week, ladies and gentlemen. Remember, you're watching The Hills, not House.

Next Week: Heidi and Lauren meet to make up! Unless someone really goes for the gold, I've already got next week's Quote of the Week lined up. Lauren telling Heidi -- "I want to forgive you and I want to forget you."

Smart girl, that Lauren. I just wish I had the intelligence to have told my exes the same thing.

The Hills: Stress and the City

If you didn't Tivo the episode, you can either wait for a rerun or catch it online.

This week's episode featured Spencer trying to kiss and make up with Brody while Whitney and Lauren headed to New York City to pitch the Teen Vogue Young Hollywood party. You'd think a bi-coastal episode would be fairly action packed. You'd think wrong. A common complain of the show now is that nothing happens. Lauren wears cute clothes, Spencer and Heidi incite nausea and everyone drinks without getting sloppy or hungover. Where's the fun in that?

Anyway, onto the episode:

Holding a Teen Vogue party in a Catholic church might just be the worst idea ever. Firstly, half the guests would immolate as they walked through the door and secondly, you know someone's going to get hammered and use the font in a completely in appropriate manner. And the suggestions of hiding the confessionals/using them as photobooths? I'm not religious in the least, but that just seems in bad taste. Speaking of the Catholic Church and bad taste, Ms. Spears is at it again. Pissing off the Catholics is a great way to sell records. Just ask Madonna -- she did it twenty years ago. Between the child molestation scandal and dwindling attendance, I think the church has got bigger fish to fry.

God, I want to live in New York. Every episode of Sex and the City, every movie with New York City as a backdrop (especially when the movie features a couple wandering around Manhattan at some ungodly hour) intensifies this desire even further. Then I realize that there's no way I'd be able to afford an apartment any bigger than a postage stamp and my dreams come crashing back to reality.

Judging by what I saw on the show, people involved in the fashion industry don't emote. Ever. And on the rare occasion that they do, it's creepy.

Which brings us to our Quote of the Week: Lauren gets this week's honor -- "I'm gonna go give Lisa Love a hug...and then run away because I'm afraid of what she'll do to me." Fashionistas are frightening. I guess a diet of coffee, cigarettes and vodka will do that to you.

And that leads us nicely into to this week's edition of You Look Like A Pratt! Usually, our weekly picks come straight from the show but since it's Halloween, I figured we'd go with something especially terrifying -- Douchebag Spidey (Speidi?).




I see a trick but am unsure where the treat would be in all this. Little hint, it's definitely not in his pants. Pratt-Daddy, I don't need to know what religion you are, so how's about throwing on a pair of boxers in public, huh? Thanks.

In one fell swoop, Pratt-Daddy has managed to completely desecrate one of the world's most beloved superheroes. Stan Lee, Steve Ditko and Tobey Maguire should get together and pummel this guy black and blue...or at least set Kraven the Hunter on his trail.

Next week: The Teen Vogue Young Hollywood party! Heidi's 21st birthday! Another half-an hour wrenched from my life that I will never get back!

Adventures in Dress Shopping As Told Through Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down

Thumbs Up: Decide to go to dress shopping. Frocks made me happy.
Thumbs Down: Decide to go dress shopping. Trying on numerous items and scrutinizing my every last flaw in a mirror? Not so much.

Thumbs Up: Find cute dress at Forever XXI. After the red dress fiasco of 2007, this is reason to celebrate.
Thumbs Down: I'm not busty enough for said dress. Let me reiterate -- I do not fill out the bust of this dress (Hi. I'm Jaime. I'm 4'11" tall, weight 100 lbs and have a 32D chest. Even an atheist can see that God is mocking me here).

Thumbs Up: Leave Forever XXI mumbling curses under my breath. This gets a thumbs-up because I am no longer surrounded by inept employees or ear-bleedingly awful techno music.
Thumbs Down: Leave Forever XXI dress-less.

Thumbs Up: Enter Charlotte Russe, having been seduced by huge sale banners. HALLELUJAH! Find a super-cute black and white polka dot frock in my size!
Thumbs Up: It's on sale!
Thumbs Up: It's on sale for $4.50!!!!! (For me, this was like waking up in the morning and finding a decaf skinny vanilla latte on the nightstand and John Krasinski soaping up in the shower. For you, this might be an orange juice, a smoothie, a nice cup of tea, Krasinski, David Beckham, Jennifer Aniston or my fiance's personal favorite, Kristen Bell).
Thumbs Up: It fits!!!
Thumbs Down: The zipper is broken.
Thumbs Down: The zipper is broken to the degree that I can't fix it.
Thumbs Down: The zipper is broken in such a way that I can't MacGyver the dress together via a complicated pastiche of safety pins and fabric tape.
Thumbs Down: Face the inevitability of leaving yet another store, dress-less. Face the inevitability of not purchasing a ridiculously cute dress for a ridiculously low price.

Thumbs Up: Call Paps and ask him how much it costs to have a zipper fixed (He's in the business. He'd know).
Thumbs Up: Paps says not to worry about it and to mail the dress to him where he will not only fix the broken zipper, but also have my dress cleaned and pressed.
Thumbs Up: Being a drycleaner's daughter is awesome. Being Paps' daughter? Even more so.

I won't be able to wear the cute new frock to the wedding tomorrow, but I've got my stand-by dresses available and they should suffice (Stand-By Dresses: A black Donna Karan and a my pink 'Jackie-O' dress -- always appropriate and always flattering).

Lesson of the story: Be nice to your drycleaner.

Oh and why do I think I like Pumpkin Spice Lattes when I hate pumpkin pie?

The 'Lord, Beer Me Strength' List

For the most part, I am a pretty cheerful individual. Chipper, even. So much so that I'm sure people wonder if I am, in fact, under the influence of mood-altering drugs (I'm not).

But every now and then, you have one of those days. Like that piece of popcorn stuck in your back tooth, it annoys you mercilessly. Today is that day and here are my little pieces of popcorn:

+ Organizing Dan's mp3 collection. I offered to do it and will be glad when it's all done, but it's a Sisyphian labor. Every time I think I'm done, there's more music to organize. Making the task doubly vexatious? The fact that I'm anal-retentive when it comes to spelling, grammar and music minutiae. I find myself triple-checking information more than anyone ever should. Lord, beer me strength.

+ The weather. A drop of rain hits the windshield and people morph into morons. Morons who seem to have never even seen the inside of a vehicle before, much less driven one. Lord, beer me strength.

+ and finally, Forever 21 employees and the fact that they have the intellectual capacity of Swiss cheese.

Dan and I are attending a wedding on Saturday. I saw this dress online and figured I'd pick it up for the event. It's cute, it's on sale and if I get it in red, it'll match Dan's tie. I call my local Forever 21 store, located in Exton. The lady in Exton tells me to call their King of Prussia location. The lady at King of Prussia tells to call their sister store (Heritage -- also at KoP) as it is not technically a Forever 21 product (despite being labeled thusly on the website). So,I call Heritage and the charming employee tells me that the dress in question is a Forever 21 product and therefore, not in stock at her store. I am not trying to purchase weapons-grade plutonium. All I want is this dress in a small size and the color red. Lord, beer me strength.

The Hills: No More Mr. Nice Guy

Missed last night's episode? You can either wait for a reruns airing on MTV today or you can check it out here. Isn't technology great?

On this week's episode --Lauren goes on a date with a model and Spencer reminds the world that he's an infantile douche. Another somewhat quiet episode. Every week, I watch this show and wait for fireworks and every week, I'm let down. By this point, we all know the show is scripted, so how about livening things up a little, MTV? Get the Melrose Place writers onboard and let the insanity commence. Audrina and Whitney have a lingerie catfight in the pool (and male viewership skyrockets), Heidi fakes her own death and then, returns with a vengeance to blow up Hillside Villas and Spencer....well, Spencer really wouldn't have to do anything differently. His entire life seems to be a cheesy night-time soap.

Just a suggestion, MTV.

Anyway, let's move on:

According to Brody, Lauren's got a thing for bad boys. Most women seem to flirt with the idea of this archetype during some point in their lives and most regain their senses and realize that bad boys are like multiple shots of tequila at Happy Hour. It's not a long-term investment -- you're merely renting until they makes you sick and must be expelled at all costs .

Lauren's date du jour, Gavin was not a bad boy. I'd define him more as 'Generic Pretty Boy.'



He's cute in that clean-cut Abercrombie sort of way and nice enough, but ultimately forgettable. Better luck next time, kid.

If he wasn't a model, I'd feel kinda bad for the guy. I'm a champion of nice guys (both my best friend and my fiance fall into that category) and hate that they always seem to get the shaft. Ladies, put down the jerk and find yourself a nice guy. The one who makes you laugh instead of making you feel like crap. The one who holds your hand in public and tells you that you're beautiful instead of grunting that you're 'hot' and considers that acceptable foreplay. Trust me --nice guys are the way to go (by the way, my best friend is not only single, but totally adorable, on his way to med school and knows how to make the best pineapple-upside-down cake ever. I'm just saying).

I really hope that Kimberly is the new 'Elodie' and snakes Heidi's job. In two minutes, she proved that she was a much more capable employee than Heidi has in three seasons of working at Bolthouse.

Quote of the Week: This week's episode had a couple of interesting little quips but the grand prize goes to the ever-fabulous Miss Lo who chimed in with this little gem: "I love passing judgment on people!"

Me too! And I'm so good at it. It's a shame I can't list it under 'skills' on my resume.

Also worthy of a little recognition? The receptionist at Bolthouse (Kimberly, perhaps?) when she asked Spencer, "And you are....?" That must have dinged Pratt-Daddy's ego a little and finally, Heidi zinging her fiance by saying, ""Oh, I'll be at work. Why don't you try it?"

Them's fighting words, Miss Montag, but you do bring up a good point -- how does Pratt-Daddy earn his ducats? Life in Los Angeles (like in any urban metropolis) isn't cheap.

And that brings us to another edition of You Look Like A Pratt:

Although this week's episode featured Spencer resembling a very hairy Gerber Baby, this picture was too good to pass up:


[Photo Credit: Just Jared]

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Peter Peter Pumpkin Passer. 'Cause that's what it looks like he's trying to do -- pass a pumpkin like a gallstone....and you know what, I think he might just be able to do it.

Next week: Spencer and Brody consider kissing-and-making-up, the Teen Vogue interns spend some quality time in New York City and I once again lust after Lo's aviators and really wish I could pull off that look.

Surprise Chocolate Chip Cookies

Every now and then, I get a little cocky and start thinking I can emulate the chefs on the Food Channel. Usually, this results in two phone calls -- one to the fire department and one to the local pizza place, but every now and then, I get something right.

Like Surprise Chocolate Chip Cookies. Named so because:

A) I figured it would be a nice surprise for Dan to come home and find fresh-baked cookies waiting for him (the weather's miserable, his car window's messed up and this week has seriously dragged ass. I figured the guy deserved a little pick-me-up).
B) I was planning on making sugar cookies and then, surprise! I found a bag of chocolate chips in the pantry!

So, to make a batch of Surprise Chocolate Chip Cookies, you will need:



Flour, baking soda, baking powder, sugar, an egg, butter, vanilla extract and chocolate chips (not pictured because I hadn't found them yet).

You will also need to pre-heat your oven to 375°F and follow this recipe:



(A much more legible version can be found below)

First, you mix the flour, baking soda and baking powder together in a small bowl. Once you're done with that, set the bowl aside.



Grab another bigger bowl and in that, mix the sugar and butter. Note: smashing butter into sugar is actually a pretty tough task, so you can use this opportunity to take out all of your pent-up frustration.



Next, add an egg.



And some vanilla extract.



Mix the wet ingredients together and slowly start adding the dry ingredients (flour, baking powder and baking soda).



Discover that you have chocolate chips in the pantry and rejoice!



Ignore the fact that I look like Marty Feldman (Igor) from Young Frankenstein.



Add chocolate chips to mix.



Resist urge to shove entire gob of chocolate chip cookie dough in mouth.



Hand-roll cookies into bite sized blobs and place on baking sheet.



Bake for 11-15 minutes (or more, depending on how dark you like your cookies). Watch American Beauty on HBO while waiting. Fall in love with Thomas Newman's score all over again. Wonder why Peter Gallagher looked so bad in this movie, but so good on The O.C. Decide it's the hair. It's gotta be that hair.



When the timer dings, remove cookies from oven and let stand on sheet for two minutes.



Place cookies on a plate and enjoy!



Serving suggestion: Tall glass of cold milk.

As promised, here's the less graphic account of my culinary adventures:

INGREDIENTS

2 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1 cup butter, softened
1 1/2 cups white sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
6 oz. chocolate chips (about half a small bag)

DIRECTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. In a small bowl, stir together flour, baking soda, and baking powder. Set aside.

2. In a large bowl, cream together the butter and sugar until smooth. Beat in egg and vanilla. Gradually blend in the dry ingredients and chips. Roll rounded teaspoonfuls of dough into balls, and place onto ungreased cookie sheets.

3. Bake 11-15 minutes in the preheated oven, or until golden. Let stand on cookie sheet two minutes before removing to cool on wire racks.

Yields approx. 35 cookies.

Hot child in the city, running wild and looking pretty

I have this thing for cities. A crush....only, at this point, I'd consider it a full-blown love affair.

I love buildings. New monoliths going to toe-to-toe with classic architecture. Concrete meeting cobblestone. I love looking up and seeing birds reflected in windows. I love buses and taxes hurtling by at a breakneck pace, pausing just long enough to let out a stream of obscenities punctuated by a blaring horn.I love-love-love the smell and taste of street food. A $2 slice tastes better to me than a gourmet meal anywhere. I love the people -- multi-colored people with multi-colored lives. It's a good reminder that while we're different, we're actually more the same. Hell, I even love the way tube stations smell (although, this applies solely to the London Underground seeing as I hate the way SEPTA stations smell. Sorry, but that heady scent of urine really doesn't do it for me).

And I love street art. Everything ranging from elaborate graffiti to messages scrawled in Magic Marker to stencils and stickers.

There's something so honest and egalitarian about it. I also love the idea of opening up the entire city as your canvas. My city. My canvas. My message.

I discovered this website -- Written on the City.

Photographs of street art from all over the world -- London, Austin, Tehran, New York, Madrid. Some examples are funny, some are pithy and some are just plain stupid but I love the fact that people all over the world have something to say, something to contribute...and they do.

Check it out. Hopefully, you'll like it as much as I do. You can also check out more amazing street art on Flickr (this is one of my favorites).

Oh and things like this make me fall more and more in love with Philadelphia every day:

The Hills:What Goes Around....

Missed last night's episode? You can either wait for one of the multiple reruns airing on MTV today or you can check it out here.

In this week's episode, we finally figured out the perpetrator of the sex-tape rumor scandal -- a mystery so transparent, the Olsen Twins could have solved it (it's Spencer. Obviously). This week also featured the return of everyone's least favorite tertiary character, Jen Bunney. Being considered useless is one thing. Being considered useless on The Hills? Uncharted territory, there.

Anyway, moving on:

Did anyone notice the Joel Madden and Pete Wentz lookalikes who popped up within the first ten seconds? Why do men emulate these two asshats? They're not remotely attractive nor talented. Fellas -- you want a guy to model yourself after?



How about this guy? Paul Newman. Award-winning actor, director, philanthropist, quite possibly the most gorgeous man to ever walk the earth and he was #19 on Richard Nixon's Enemies List. What has Pete Wentz ever done? Flash his junk and title songs with ridiculously long-winded names. He doesn't even begin to compare to Paul Newman.

Why did Heidi look so confused when Brent was talking to her? He was using small words and talking about her job, but judging by the look on Miss Montag's face -- you'd think he was discussing quantum physics in Hebrew. Moments like this are an ice-pick to my heart. Montag has the intellectual capacity of cotton candy and yet, has a job I would sell my kidney for.

I wish I could rock aviators like Lo. She looks cool. I look like I got a 'Little Miss Cop' Playset for Christmas.



See? And while we're on the subject of me looking like a complete idiot -- I really want one of those cashmere shawls Lauren picked out at Diane Merrick. Unfortunately, my bank account doesn't really agree with a $198 purchase right now. Even if it is the cutest shade of pink ever.

Why are the restaurants in Los Angeles so empty? Approximately 9.9 million people in Los Angeles County and none of them seem to frequent any of the numerous spots where the cast choose to dine and drink.

Quote of The Week: "...."

That's it. No quippy soundbyte and no pithy street philosophy from the hardened streets of the Hollywood Hills. Instead, this week's quote pays tribute to any one of the awkward silences featured on the episode. The uncomfortable silence between Jen Bunney and Lauren or the crickets chirping as Heidi struggled to string together a sentence while talking to Spencer.

You Look Like A Pratt!

Meet the Sandy Muzzle -- Pratt's pitiful puss for the week.

You know when a raccoon (or any feral woodland creature, for that matter) gets into the garbage can and emerges with crap all over face? That's Pratt-Daddy. I'll leave you to make your own allusions.

Oh and while we're on the subject, what do you think the odds are that Spencer's book (a tome on intelligent investing) was chosen strictly for camera purposes? I get the feeling that if it's not cheat codes for video games, Pratt-Daddy doesn't consider it required reading.

Next Week on The Hills: Spencer is a douchebag about another anniversary (Jesus, how many anniversaries do these guys celebrate? They're like Cory and Topanga), Lauren hangs out with a blonde guy with very white teeth and Brody gets a little jealous. Just another day.

This boy not only has cajones, but he's got burritos and huevos rancheros too

Despite the fact that my appetite has been weaker than Britney Spears' list of excuses lately*, I am a fat woman trapped in a little girl's body. Seriously. I love food and last night, I actually had a dream about a meal I had.

The way I see it is if it's good enough to dream about, it's good enough to blog about.

I'm not a foodie by any small stretch of the imagination. The idea of crudos and truffle-infusions doesn't set me off in a fit of gastronomic ecstasy, but you know what does make me happy? Food that tastes good. It doesn't have to be pretty or well-plated. It doesn't have to feature exotic ingredients like Tahitian vanilla or Meyer lemons. It just needs to taste good.

And the Huevos Rancheros at Ruby's Diner are delicious.



(I didn't have my camera, so I couldn't snap a picture -- but it looks like a bigger, somewhat messier version of the above)

Two fried eggs atop crispy flour tortillas layered with spicy black beans, fresh homemade salsa and guacamole, cheese, black olives, chopped green onion and fresh cilantro served with a side of home fries.

Hands-down, one of the most delicious things I've ever eaten. The only thing that could have made this feast more palatable would be eating it at 2:30 A.M. after a long night of drinking with friends or eating it at 9:00 A.M. after a long weekend of camping with friends.

Unfortunately, Ruby's only has locations in - Arizona, California, Colorado, Hawaii, Nevada, Pennsylvania, Texas and Washington State so if you don't live in one of these states, you're somewhat SOL. But, huevos rancheros is a pretty common Tex-Mex breakfast dish, so with a little searching, you should be able to find it at an eatery near you.

Good luck and happy eating!


* So, my appetite's been nil as of late and I have no idea why. Last week, over the course of 48 hours, I ate a collective of a dinner roll and a Snickers Creme Pumpkin. I mentioned this to Dan's mom (she's a nurse) and she told me that sometimes, pregnant women lose their appetites. After recovering from the six simultaneous heart attacks I suffered at that very moment, I came to the logical realization that Dan and I will not be having little Irish-Indian babies anytime soon.

iShuffle, youShuffle -- we all shuffle

Inspired by the musicshuffle community on LiveJournal:

1. Whatchu Want? -- Nine: Will, in his ongoing effort to educate me in hip hop, put this track on one of the numerous mix CDs he made me and I quickly fell in love. The low thumping bassline accentuates Nine's rasping growl perfectly and I'm a sucker for the lyric: "Whutchu want, Nine? An ill posse and my name up in lights: N-I-N-E."

2. Closer To Free -- The Bodeans: Yeah, like this girl's not gonna have the Party of Five theme song on her iTunes. Every time I hear it, I get that great visual in my head of Charlie and Bailey being all manly and sanding down wood. And for the record, I still have a crush on Bailey Salinger. Oh and does America Ferrera (Ugly Betty) remind anyone else of Neve Campbell on solid foods?

vs.

See what I'm saying?

3. I Will Buy You A New Life -- Everclear: In high school, I was quite possibly, the world's biggest fan. My collection of Everclear memorabilia includes: all the albums, including a rare British import (75% of the signed in person), the tab book for So Much For The Afterglow (also signed in person), a bunch of snapshots of me and the band, a t-shirt far too large for my person, a collection of essays on the band, a guitar pick given to me by lead singer, Art Alexakis and an ankle that can predict rain (fractured the first time I saw the band live). These days -- the band's had some line-up changes and I haven't bought an album since 2000's Songs From An American Movie Volume 2: Good Time For A Bad Attitude, but I still love the band and listening to their "old stuff" makes me immeasurably happy.

4. Scuttle Buttin' -- Stevie Ray Vaughan: I fell in love with Vaughan and his guitar virtuosity freshman year of college and I've been in love ever since. His passion really shines through his playing and Scuttle Buttin' is filled with tasty licks. It's like barbecue sauce for the soul -- you sop it up and lick it off your fingers and damn, does it taste delicious.

5. Perfect World -- Liz Phair: "I wanna be cool, tall, vulnerable and luscious/I would have it all if I only had this much." Perfect World. Perfect lyric. I can definitely relate to that.

6. Try A Little Tenderness (Live) -- Otis Redding: The best advice any man could ever dispense -- try a little tenderness and, "you've got to hold huh! Don't squueeeze huh! Please huh! Never leave huh!" The live version supersedes the album recording (a feat in itself) and Redding sings like he's got the devil after him. Sonic perfection.

7. Gett Off -- Prince: Firstly, Prince's opening orgasmic scream immediately captures your attention and then, when the purple pygmy knows he has your attention, he bursts out with this little gem: "Twenty-three positions in a one night stand." And here's the best part, if anyone else said it, you'd call bullshit in a heartbeat, but because it's Prince, you just nod and say, "Yeah. I can see that..."

8. My Hero (Live) -- Foo Fighters: I'm adding Dave Grohl to the laminated list.



He sings, he writes alternately the prettiest and most kick-ass lyrics, he plays guitar, he sings, he's funny, he's got great taste in music, he's a friend to trapped miners, he plays drums and is basically just one of the most bad-ass guys ever. While pretty much every Foo Fighters song is my favorite, My Hero holds a special place in my heart. The drumming blows my away -- it's like Bonzo riding a herd of elephants through your central nervous system.

9. Back To The Future Main Theme -- Alan Silvestri: I'm getting married to this song. No, I'm not joking. After being officially announced as Mr. and Mrs., our recessional will be to the Back To The Future theme. That, ladies and gentlemen, is love.

10. Lacrimosa (Spiderman 2 trailer) -- Immediate Music: Ever seen a movie trailer, been wowed by the epic music featured and then, annoyed to discover that it's neither on the soundtrack or the score? Odds are Immediate Music was responsible for the piece. They're a music composition company based in Santa Monica, CA and have scored the trailers for everything ranging from Spiderman 2 to Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. And because I'm a huge nerd, I have their stuff on my iTunes.

That's my list -- what's yours?

Pushing Daisies

Three reasons I loved ABC's Pushing Daisies

1) The quirky, imaginative vibe -- a signature style of Bryan Fuller (the guy who did Fox's now-defunct Wonderfalls)
2) The writing -- clever and sweet without being cloying.
3) It made me want pie. So much so that I have decided today is Poltergeist-and-Pie Day (pizza pie + a revival of the Spielberg classic and then, I'm hunting down the best damn cherry pie Southeastern Pennsylvania has to offer*. Shame I don't live in Twin Peaks).

Anyway, the basic premise:

As a child, Ned discovers he has the ability to bring the deceased back to life with a touch of his hand. However, there are two caveats.

1) He can only keep the recently resurrected alive for a minute. Any longer than that and death claims another random victim in close proximity.
2) One touch brings 'em back to life and another one sends them back to the big sleep.

As an adult, Ned (now a pie-maker and owner of a joint called, what else, The Pie Hole) teams up with private investigator Emerson Cod and together, the duo solve unsolved murders (touch a stiff, find out who murdered him, touch him again and collect the reward money).

Things get a little more complicated when Ned resurrects his childhood crush, Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles. Instead of giving her the one-two touch, Ned lets Chuck live (there goes the funeral home director!) and the trio band together to solve murders (including Chuck's own).

A solid hour of television that I will definitely be revisiting next week.

*UPDATE: Apparently, cherry pie is a dish reserved for communists and assholes because no-one in a twenty mile radius serves it. A pie-less horizon looks pretty bleak, but Wawa sandwiches help numb the pain a little.

The Hills: What Happens In Vegas

Episode here and commentary below.

This week's episode of The Hills was rather festive. The ladies (sans Whitney, plus newcomer Jill) headed off to Vegas to celebrate Brody Jenner's birthday and Spencer and Heidi celebrated their one year anniversary. As much as I dislike the unholy hybrid that is Spencer+Heidi, I do like the fact that they have a local. I've gotta work on getting one of those with The Fiance. Anyone know any good places in West Chester? Let me know.

Anyway, onto the episode.

Heh. Spencer wants to give Heidi a facial. Yes, I am a 14-year-old boy -- thanks for asking. Alright, I've got that out of my system now. Moving on.

Justin-Bobby returns as surly as ever. Firstly, who takes a guitar on a plane without a carrying case and secondly, why does he insist on stealing Audrina's sunglasses?



Justin Bobby is one part Hollywood celebutante (note the pursed lips), one part Bono as The Fly and all parts filth-encrusted. Every time I see him, I just wanna toss a bar of Irish Spring his way and hose him down.

Is The Palms the only hotel in Vegas? MTV would certainly have you believe so.

Lo (after Lauren poses a shoe-related question): Just try 'em all on!

Oh, Lo! She's a girl after my own heart and one who fully understands the importance of shoes in a girl's life. It's this philosophy that had me tearing up and down stairs in four-inch heels on Sunday. Yes, I almost mangled my ankle (again), but dammit, I looked awesome. Two different people told me I had a Jackie O-esque vibe happening and if that isn't a compliment, I don't know what is.

You Look Like A Pratt!

Yes! The 'Bitch, I'mma Brain You' Face returns! We saw this gem of an expression when Heidi white-washed Spencer's gaudy mural and it returned in full force this week when Heidi had to cut their date short.



Pratt-Daddy looks like he's three seconds away from having fire leap from his eyeballs and melt all of Heidi's plastic bits and pieces. Awesome. Just awesome.

Not so awesome? Heidi saying, "I love you" and Pratt-Daddy responding, "No, you don't" in a tone flatter than Heidi's chest, pre-plastic surgery.

Speaking of which -- I can't believe Heidi would rather spend time with Spencer than work at the Emmy's. The girl's an idiot and doesn't deserve the job she has.

And on that note, score for Elodie!



Was it a bit of a childish move on Elodie's part? Yeah, but Heidi deserved it. She's got a job that thousands (myself included) covet and she doesn't seem remotely appreciative.

Not surprised by Lauren and Brody's kiss at all. Especially when you consider how palpable the sexual tension is between the pair. Although, I was a little confused as to whether he was kissing her or eating her face.



See what I mean? I once dated a guy who tried to suction out my molars every time we kissed. It was like being violated by a dentist. No fun at all.

Speaking of teeth, Audrina's passive-aggressive whining got to me like a dental drill. Take it from someone who's dated a Justin Bobby type -- cut your losses and move on. Trust me. You'll be much happier (and when did this blog go from pop culture commentary to a laundry list of the losers I've dated?)

Quote of the Week: Our defending champion, Lauren triumphs again this week with this classy little soundbyte: "I just saw Lo's Britney!" Classic. Just classic.

And while we're on the subject -- dear God, it's like watching a slow-motion car crash, isn't it? I have no pity for Spears, but I feel terrible for her kids. Ten years from now, they'll go online and not only see Mommy's 'Britney', but see a plethora of pictures including, but no limited to, Mommy falling down sloppy-drunk on numerous occasions, Bald Mommy attacking photographers with an umbrella and Mommy endangering their lives more than once.

Schadenfreude only goes so far. At this point, it's just sad.