Dear Carrie Bradshaw

Hi!

I'm Jaime and I'm a huge fan.

Granted, I find your punny writing somewhat obnoxious, think you're batshit insane for picking any man over Ron Livingsto...I mean, Jack Berger, have no idea how you possibly subsidize your Manolo-and-kickass-NYC-Brownstone life on a columnist's salary (I'm guessing you're probably spending lots of time underneath Republican politicians) and think some of your sartorial choices are truly wanky. Case in point:



The Dirndl dress. Really, Carrie? Really? And sidebar, this picture is 66.6 kb and I totally think that's a sign, but anyway -- apart from all that...

....OK. OK, so I'm not a huge fan, but I have a shoe dilemma and honestly, can you think of a better person to help me than a fictional fashionista with a shoe fetish?

That's what I thought.

I need a pair of boots with the following specifications:

- Affordable - $50 or less.
- Preferably black.
- Small heel -- I don't want to go completely flat because I'm pocket-sized as is and I don't want sky-high heels because I'm not a hooker.
- Relatively comfortable - because I'll be wearing them for nine hours a day.
- Suitable to wear with both jeans and business casual
- Mid-calf length - no booties, no ankle boots, no knee-highs.

So, there's your mission. Good luck and if you happen to see Berger around, send him my way. I've got a thing or two I wanna show that guy....

Thanks!

Lots of love:

Jaime xx

I hired a hot girl who can't lift an iPod to bring you out of your funk.

Dear Jaime:

Welcome to the 21st century!

Your purchase of an iPod (eye-pod) will hopefully encourage you to go to the gym more often, provide you with countless hours of entertainment while you spend your life waiting (in lines, for transportation...) and hopefully, help you lower your blood pressure as it will provide an alternative to listening to Sean Hannity during your afternoon commute.

Enjoy your birthday present to yourself and have fun making those playlists (you might want to reconsider the one entitled, 'Watch For Flying Panties.' Invariably, someone's going to see that and then, you're going to have explain things like how Howlin' Wolf is a big ol' bastard who could take your woman and people will think you're on the drugs and you're not....unless caffeine is considered a drug, which I guess it technically is and...look, whatever. Just think about it, ok? Right).

Lots of Love:

Me xx

P.S. -- Way to defy convention by picking yellow over pink. Bet they didn't see that coming!

Santa Baby....

Dear Santa (is Santa OK? Do you want to be called Mr. Claus or perhaps Nick? Kris?)

Hi. This is Jaime. Remember me? I'm usually on the good list until my big mouth gets me in trouble? Yeah. That's the one.

I know it's been a while since I wrote and for that, I apologize. Are you on Facebook? 'Cause that would make communication so much easier. Just watch out for all those stupid third party add-ons. They can get annoying after a while.

Oh and as for the whole not leaving cookies out on Christmas Eve thing? I know it seems like a dick move, but I was actually looking out for you. I figure you probably eat somewhere in the neighborhood of 300,000 cookies on Christmas Eve. This can only lead to one thing:



Yeah. No bueno. Just ask Wilford Brimley.

See, I've got your back, Big Guy.

Anyway, this year -- I decided to put my wish list online to make life easier for you. Also, I've divided the list into two different categories:

- Boy, This Girl Asks For Some Ridiculous Shit
- Alright, That I Can Handle That...

You ready? Let's hit it.

Boy, This Girl Asks For Some Ridiculous Shit

- Front row tickets to Led Zeppelin at Madison Square Garden back in 1973 and a Delorean that enables me to time-travel there and back. Dude, come on. It's the concert from The Song Remains The Same.

- Front row tickets to see Stevie Ray Vaughan in concern and a Delorean that enables me to time-travel there and back. Word of warning, though? I'd probably tell him not to get on that helicopter which might cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space time continuum, and destroy the entire universe! Granted, that's a worse case scenario. The destruction might in fact be very localized, limited to merely our own galaxy.

- A sit down with Bob and Harvey Weinstein. What? I've got some ideas....

- Hair like Alessandria Ambrosio's. No roots, no touch-ups. Just killer hair like this. Every day. No flat iron, product or curling iron required.



Look, while we're giving out fantasy presents, can I just ask for a body like hers too? One that I don't have to work to maintain at all? 'Cause that would be sweet. If I could eat cheese fries and look like this, that would rock.



Don't tell Mrs. Claus...and you're welcome.

- I was going to ask for world peace but given the fact that the current president is an idiot of monumental proportions, I'm sure he'd screw it up in a second and therefore, squander your gift. I also thought about asking you to fix the economic crisis but again, I'm sure they'd find a way to bollocks it all up before December 26th, so never mind.

Anyway, let's get to small stuff, shall we?

Alright, I Can Handle That...



This necklace. It's cute, quirky, super-affordable and available here.

That's it. See, I'm relatively easy to please!

Anyway -- fly safe and watch out for low-flying aircraft! Merry Christmas!

Lots of love:

Jaime xx

Lord, Beer Little Miss Sunshine Strength

For the most part, I am Little Miss Sunshine.



No, not Abigail Breslin. I'm not nearly that adorable or that good a dancer.

I am, however, chipper, cheerful and always quick with a smile. So much so that the construction workers at my office actually call me, 'The Girl With The Smile' (highly, highly creative bunch).

However, every now and then -- the sheer asininity of her fellow man makes Little Miss Sunshine want to eat her own eyeballs out of frustration.

So, for no other reason than to help me feel better, permit me to rant a little via a series of open letters:

Dear Sir:

Calling every day is slightly excessive. Calling four times before 12:00 p.m. on the same day? Behavior worthy of a restraining order. Besides, I do not have the ability to make jobs magically appear. If I did, I would create some gloriously overpaid position for myself as pop culture blogger.

Thanks!

Jaime

_______________

Dear Ma'am:

If you can't figure out how to apply for one of our jobs, you're probably not qualified for the job itself. Oh and for the record, going to the correct website makes applying for the position that much easier.

Thanks!

Jaime

____________

Dear Sir:

If you are 17-years-old, you've basically grown up with internet access. You should be able to navigate a website and shouldn't need someone to hold your hand throughout the whole process. You could probably find internet porn blindfolded with a hand behind your back. Let's try to apply some of those skills to the job-hunting process, shall we?

Thanks!

Jaime

______________

Dear Ma'am:

Applying for every job means you're probably as qualified for them as Sarah Palin is to be vice president of the country. I.E. -- Not at all.

Stop applying.

Thanks!

________________

Lord, Beer Me Strength. No. Strike that. Lord, silo-sized margarita me strength.

An Open Letter To 2008

Dear 2008:

Hi! It's nice to finally meet you! Sorry I was all doped up on Tylenol Cold when we were first introduced. Hopefully, you'll give me a second chance to make a first impression.

So, here you are -- all new and shiny and filled with limitless potential and promise.

I really want us to get along. 2007 was pretty good to me and I'd like to see you live up to the legacy of your predecessor.

That being said, let's talk employment. Hopefully, my work authorization card will be coming in the mail any day now and I'd really appreciate it if I could get a job. I'm not asking for my dream job or anything. I just want to work five days a week, hopefully utilize some of the skills I've learned in school, make a decent salary and if we could do margaritas with the co-workers every now and then, that would be awesome.

Secondly, you're a pretty important year when it comes to politics and I would absolutely hate to see you go down the path that your buddies 2000 and 2004 did. Man, what were they thinking? That being said, here's to hoping that you Barack the Vote in 2008. It's time for a change and I'm a firm believer that he's the man America needs.

Hmmmm, what else? Oh! Movies. You know, on the cinema front, 2008? You're looking pretty good already. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (which totally sounds like a Zelda title, thus making it even cooler), Harold and Kumar 2 and The Dark Knight (in IMAX, nonetheless!!)? You've barely begun and you've already outdone yourself! Looks like I'm going to be spending lots of time at the movies this year. Do they sell Coke Zero at the concession stand? I hope so.

Anyway, my other hopes for our relationship this year are pretty simple: I want this to be a great year for music. I want Dan and I to move into our own place. I want to find really amazing local tapas, Indian, Greek and Lebanese food. I want to make lots of indelible memories with Dan. I want to see my family and friends more. I want to write more, read more, work out more and become a better cook. I want a cuter wardrobe (more frocks and bright cheery colors) but more than anything else -- I want the people I love to be happy. I want them to be healthy and lucky. I want them to eat well and laugh often. I want them to know they are loved and accomplish everything they dream of doing. In short -- I want them to have a fabulous time with you.

That's about it. I'm really looking forward to getting to know you better. In the words of Jack Johnson, "I can tell that we are going to be friends."




Peace in the Middle East and everywhere else.

Lots of love!

Jaime xx

An Open Letter To Lindsay Lohan:

Lilo:

I know we've never been particularly close. I've hated all of your movies except Mean Girls (and even then, I dug Lacey Chabert and Rachel McAdams over you), your party girl ethos seems pointless and shallow and I get the feeling that if we had gone to high school together, you would have been a huge bitch to me...until you wanted help on your English term paper.

But all that aside, I've gotta tell you -- girl, you are looking fierce here.



I love that dress and am thisclose to cheating on my fiance with those gorgeous boots you're rocking.

Give me the outfit or give me the name of a place where I can get the ludicrously cheap knock-off and I promise to be nicer next time you drunkenly stumble out of some club looking like something Amy Winehouse threw up.

Hugs and kisses!

Jaime xx

P.S. -- Can you introduce me to Ron Livingston?