When Temporary Hearing Loss is Worth It...

I get to the gym and notice the place is pretty busy.

Damn it.

Then, I notice both TVs are tuned to Fox News.

Damn it squared.

Glenn Beck is prattling on idiotically about how monogamous gay marriages will eventually lead to people marrying cupcakes or beavers or some other ridiculous, baseless shit (weren't arguments like this considered null and void with Loving vs. Virginia?)

Luckily, I have my trusty iPod, headphones and a collection of B.S. Reports featuring both Bill Simmons and Adam Carolla.

I switch it on at a pretty low volume and hit the treadmill.

Beck's still blathering on and I hear the following conversation:

Scary Buff Dude Who Doesn't Seem To Have A Home As He's Always At The Gym: (referring to Beck) Oh, I love this guy! He's great!
Exercise Bike Woman: He is! And he's right -- soon, it'll be three women marrying one man! It's all wrong!

Damn it cubed.

ClickclickclickclickCLICK!

That's the sound of my iPod hitting the highest volume and Adam Carolla blowing out my eardrums by bellowing about how he'd remove Talia Shire from every movie ever.

However compared to the fact that people actually buy into Beck's insipidity idiocy, it was a dulcet lullabye.

I'm down with Voltaire and believe that while I may not agree with what you say, you still have the right to say it....but when you're nodding emphatically at anything that comes out of Glenn Beck's mouth? Yeah....it's probably a better idea to just keep your mouth shut.

You could put that fancy mustard on a shoe and it would taste pretty good to me.

Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham and Rush Limbaugh are criticizing a man for his choice of burger condiment.

Let me reiterate.

These three schmucks dedicated airtime to admonishing President Obama for his condiment choice.

The Republican party is imploding and this is what matters -- what the president puts on his burger.

Kudos. Way to hit him where it hurts.

Shouldn't you assholes be figuring out a way to make yourselves look a little less like exclusionary buffoons and more like capable leaders?

Oh and a helpful hint -- if you want to be the party of the future, try not to reference a commercial that came out twenty years ago

Five Reasons I Hate Mike Huckabee

Meet Michael Dale Huckabee.



He's an ordained Southern Baptist minister, a former Arkansas governor, a bassist in the rock band Capitol Offense ("Capitol" -- get it. Oh, what witty wordplay) and now, he's a Republican candidate for the 2008 presidential election.

Let's get to know him a little better, shall we?

5. Mike Huckabee made a, "conscious attempt to keep the state police from investigating his son" David Huckabee after it came to light that his darling little boy had hanged, stoned and slit the throat of a stray dog.

4. Mike Huckabee aggressively pushed for the release convicted rapist Wayne DuMond. A mere year after DuMond's released, he raped and murdered two different women -- Carol Sue Shields and Sara Andresek. At the time of her death, Andresek was pregnant with her first child.

3. Mike Huckabee equates homosexuality with bestiality. This statement is so stupid that I can't wrap my mind around it.

2. Mike Huckabee doesn't believe in evolution. Bill Maher makes a great point here -- "If someone believes the earth is 6000 years old when every scientist in the world tells us it's billions of years old, why shouldn't I take that into account when I'm assessing the rationality of someone I'm going to put in the highest office in the land."

Huck's response? "We really don't know."

Well, Huckster? There's more proof and a much more reasonable argument for evolution than there is for creationism. Just sayin', guy.

1. Mike Huckabee thinks contraception is akin to abortion. Let me make that crystal clear for you -- Mike Huckabee thinks birth control pills, the patch, the nuva ring and the IUD are all forms of abortion.

Wait a second. WHAT?! In what universe does that even begin to make sense?

Now, let's say you've got the IQ of a head of lettuce and actually buy into this idiocy, you've got to be fair, right?

If contraceptives are akin to abortions, so is male masturbation. The sin of onanism, folks. If you're jerkin' your gherkin, you're spilling your seed and destroying thousands-upon-thousands of would-be babies.

Think about that for a second before you get all gung-ho with the contraceptives-as-abortions movement.

In short, Mike Huckabee is a lunatic, a theocrat (truly dangerous in a free society) and should be kept as far away from the American political system as humanly possible.