AFC EAST CHAMPS, BABY!
Showing posts with label football. Show all posts
Showing posts with label football. Show all posts
December 28, 2008
February 14, 2008
Life is a series of hello and good-byes, I'm afraid it's time for good-bye.
I realize that the introduction of the Big Tuna means sweeping reforms in Miami, but why did he have release Zach? He was the heart of our team. Our bulldog...and now he's gone.
So far, the Big Tuna era ain't making me happy. We'll see how this goes...
So far, the Big Tuna era ain't making me happy. We'll see how this goes...
February 4, 2008
NY Giants = Superbowl Champions AND Dynasty Killers
NEW YORK GIANTS: 17
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: 14
In other words -- BAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
Watching the Pats go down in flames in the last few minutes was quite possibly the best sports moment of the entire season. It's always nice to see the underdog win, but it's even nicer to see the Pats lose.
Five reasons watching the Pats fail last night was amazing:
1. The fact that it was Eli who did it. Eli Manning -- the guy who lived his whole life with the prefix 'Peyton's Little Brother'. Well, not last night and not anymore. Eli made history and I couldn't be happier for him. Can you imagine being Archie Manning? Two quarterback sons who not only won consecutive Superbowls, but also both picked up the MVP award. Amazing.
2. The fact that Boston fans will no longer be able to claim that they won the World Series and the Superbowl in the same year. I hate Boston fans. I really do. They're cocky and obnoxious and perpetually drunk. They remind me of sperm, in a way. Only one in like, 30,000 has a chance of being a human.
3. Seeing Tom Brady lose. The man is a complete douche. Seriously. I'm not talking about breaking up with then-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan while she was pregnant, but rather the fact that on December 10, 2006 -- we beat these bastards 21-0 and a week later, Brady has the gall to say, "I'm sure if you asked them, it probably sounds good for them to say they have it all figured out, but they're 6-7 and we're 9-4, so go tell me who probably has it more figured out."
Hey cockboy -- not only did we kick your ass, but we embarrassed you. Shut up. Oh and by the by? Your chin looks like a butt and your teeth look like Chiclets.
4. Wes Welker. He used to be a Dolphin. He used to be the Great White Hope...and then, he joined the Pats. That's like having your husband sleep with your sister. An unforgivable betrayal. I hope this dude never gets a Superbowl ring...unless he comes back to the light side.
5. The best part? The sweetest, most delicious, finger-lickin' fabulous fact of last night? That there is only ONE undefeated team in the league and that's the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Sorry, Belichick. Your boys almost had it...but almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Oh and congratulations to my boy, #99 Jason Taylor for winning the Walter Payton Man of the Year award. I can't think of a more deserving candidate.
It hasn't even been 12 hours and I already miss football season...
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: 14
In other words -- BAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
Watching the Pats go down in flames in the last few minutes was quite possibly the best sports moment of the entire season. It's always nice to see the underdog win, but it's even nicer to see the Pats lose.
Five reasons watching the Pats fail last night was amazing:
1. The fact that it was Eli who did it. Eli Manning -- the guy who lived his whole life with the prefix 'Peyton's Little Brother'. Well, not last night and not anymore. Eli made history and I couldn't be happier for him. Can you imagine being Archie Manning? Two quarterback sons who not only won consecutive Superbowls, but also both picked up the MVP award. Amazing.
2. The fact that Boston fans will no longer be able to claim that they won the World Series and the Superbowl in the same year. I hate Boston fans. I really do. They're cocky and obnoxious and perpetually drunk. They remind me of sperm, in a way. Only one in like, 30,000 has a chance of being a human.
3. Seeing Tom Brady lose. The man is a complete douche. Seriously. I'm not talking about breaking up with then-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan while she was pregnant, but rather the fact that on December 10, 2006 -- we beat these bastards 21-0 and a week later, Brady has the gall to say, "I'm sure if you asked them, it probably sounds good for them to say they have it all figured out, but they're 6-7 and we're 9-4, so go tell me who probably has it more figured out."
Hey cockboy -- not only did we kick your ass, but we embarrassed you. Shut up. Oh and by the by? Your chin looks like a butt and your teeth look like Chiclets.
4. Wes Welker. He used to be a Dolphin. He used to be the Great White Hope...and then, he joined the Pats. That's like having your husband sleep with your sister. An unforgivable betrayal. I hope this dude never gets a Superbowl ring...unless he comes back to the light side.
5. The best part? The sweetest, most delicious, finger-lickin' fabulous fact of last night? That there is only ONE undefeated team in the league and that's the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Sorry, Belichick. Your boys almost had it...but almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Oh and congratulations to my boy, #99 Jason Taylor for winning the Walter Payton Man of the Year award. I can't think of a more deserving candidate.
It hasn't even been 12 hours and I already miss football season...
December 16, 2007
November 27, 2007
The Hills: A Night At The Opera
Check the show out online here.
This week, we met another member of the Pratt clan and Audrina finally got a clue and broke it off with Justin-Bobby.
Apparently, the Pratts spawned several tow-headed offspring and this week, we got to meet Spencer's sister, Stephanie or as Lauren called her, "She-Pratt." [She-Pratt (n): Also known as Stephanie, sibling of Spencer. Blonde banshee found trolling the Los Angeles area trying desperately to gain some notoriety by picking fights with MTV reality stars].
The aesthetic similarities by Heidi and Stephanie kinda freaked me out. She-Pratt is beer-goggles version of Heidi and your typical wing-man nightmare. If I was a dude and had to take that for the team, my buddy would have to keep me in blow and beer for a whole year to make up for it.
The doorway to Opera resembles either a Michael Bay movie or the Puffy/Nas video for Hate Me Now. Neither of which I'd particularly like to associate myself with.
"Just stop being mean girls?" First of all, Roxy is a prostitute's name. Secondly, who the hell is Roxy? The juxtaposition of a statement that juvenile coupled with her tranny-esque features made me wish I was friends with Rob Zombie so I could call him and say I had found the star for his next horror flick.
Much like her toolbox brother, She-Pratt is down with the Dark Side and shares the same Sith Lord mentality -- "When you hate my brother, I hate you." For the last time, Siths never prosper. It didn't work for Vader, it didn't work for Maul, it didn't work for Sidious and it's not working for George W. Bush. Let go of the absolutes and come hang out in the light.
Speaking of Star Wars, what was up with Justin Bobby rocking a Jedi-look? If he thought it would help him mind-trick Audrina while he was scamming with other girls? Well, let's just say neither the Force nor the intelligence is with him.
You Look Like A Pratt: Now, I realize this space is usually reserved for the facial follies of the Prattmeister, but due to my utterly sophomoric sense of humor, I just couldn't resist this:
Heidi's gaping maw. The picture practically Photoshops itself.
Now onto the break up:
"What do you need from me?" Did Justin-Bobby really ask this question 'cause there are a litany of answers -- I need you to stop feeding me bullshit. I need you to stop kissing other girls. I need you to stop being one person when you're alone with me and a complete other when you'rearound your friends. I need you to be my boyfriend but above all -- I need you to take an effing shower.
Broken relationships should be dealt with like broken bones -- clean and quick or they'll never heal properly. Here's to hoping Audrina moves on and we never see nor hear from J.Bob again.
Quote of the Week: She-Pratt came out swinging for the fences and actually picked up this week's distinction with her characterization of (Brody's bro and tertiary character) Frankie Delgado as, "a wannabe Wilmer Valderrama." It may seem like a harsh characterization, but remember that Valderrama also managed to score Mandy Moore and pre-trainwreck Lindsey Lohan. There are worse people to be compared to.
And finally, when did Stephanie become Heidi's BFF? Doesn't that dubious distinction go to Jen Bunney?
NEXT WEEK: She-Pratt causes tension between Spencer and Heidi and Audrina re-enters the dating world. I'm on the edge of my seat already.
In football news:
The Dolphins continue their season-long streak of breaking my heart, but unlike some fair-weather fans, I still bleed orange and teal. If nothing else, we'll have a killer draft pick and obilterate the competition next year.
Pop Quiz:
The New England Patriots can:
A) Suck it.
B) Suck it long.
C) Suck it hard.
D) All of the above.
The correct answer, of course, is D.
The Pats played the Eagles this weekend (they're my Zahara team -- after moving to the Philly suburbs, I adopted them) and after the game, Tom Brady was braying (like the ass he is) about the 31-28 win. Listen, peckerhead. When you're an 11-0 team, a 31-28 win is hardly something to be proud of.
Every time I watch the Pats play, I find myself wishing someone would tackle this assbag and then, step on his head. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm keeping the faith.
This week, we met another member of the Pratt clan and Audrina finally got a clue and broke it off with Justin-Bobby.
Apparently, the Pratts spawned several tow-headed offspring and this week, we got to meet Spencer's sister, Stephanie or as Lauren called her, "She-Pratt." [She-Pratt (n): Also known as Stephanie, sibling of Spencer. Blonde banshee found trolling the Los Angeles area trying desperately to gain some notoriety by picking fights with MTV reality stars].
The aesthetic similarities by Heidi and Stephanie kinda freaked me out. She-Pratt is beer-goggles version of Heidi and your typical wing-man nightmare. If I was a dude and had to take that for the team, my buddy would have to keep me in blow and beer for a whole year to make up for it.
The doorway to Opera resembles either a Michael Bay movie or the Puffy/Nas video for Hate Me Now. Neither of which I'd particularly like to associate myself with.
"Just stop being mean girls?" First of all, Roxy is a prostitute's name. Secondly, who the hell is Roxy? The juxtaposition of a statement that juvenile coupled with her tranny-esque features made me wish I was friends with Rob Zombie so I could call him and say I had found the star for his next horror flick.
Much like her toolbox brother, She-Pratt is down with the Dark Side and shares the same Sith Lord mentality -- "When you hate my brother, I hate you." For the last time, Siths never prosper. It didn't work for Vader, it didn't work for Maul, it didn't work for Sidious and it's not working for George W. Bush. Let go of the absolutes and come hang out in the light.
Speaking of Star Wars, what was up with Justin Bobby rocking a Jedi-look? If he thought it would help him mind-trick Audrina while he was scamming with other girls? Well, let's just say neither the Force nor the intelligence is with him.
You Look Like A Pratt: Now, I realize this space is usually reserved for the facial follies of the Prattmeister, but due to my utterly sophomoric sense of humor, I just couldn't resist this:
Heidi's gaping maw. The picture practically Photoshops itself.
Now onto the break up:
"What do you need from me?" Did Justin-Bobby really ask this question 'cause there are a litany of answers -- I need you to stop feeding me bullshit. I need you to stop kissing other girls. I need you to stop being one person when you're alone with me and a complete other when you'rearound your friends. I need you to be my boyfriend but above all -- I need you to take an effing shower.
Broken relationships should be dealt with like broken bones -- clean and quick or they'll never heal properly. Here's to hoping Audrina moves on and we never see nor hear from J.Bob again.
Quote of the Week: She-Pratt came out swinging for the fences and actually picked up this week's distinction with her characterization of (Brody's bro and tertiary character) Frankie Delgado as, "a wannabe Wilmer Valderrama." It may seem like a harsh characterization, but remember that Valderrama also managed to score Mandy Moore and pre-trainwreck Lindsey Lohan. There are worse people to be compared to.
And finally, when did Stephanie become Heidi's BFF? Doesn't that dubious distinction go to Jen Bunney?
NEXT WEEK: She-Pratt causes tension between Spencer and Heidi and Audrina re-enters the dating world. I'm on the edge of my seat already.
In football news:
The Dolphins continue their season-long streak of breaking my heart, but unlike some fair-weather fans, I still bleed orange and teal. If nothing else, we'll have a killer draft pick and obilterate the competition next year.
Pop Quiz:
The New England Patriots can:
A) Suck it.
B) Suck it long.
C) Suck it hard.
D) All of the above.
The correct answer, of course, is D.
The Pats played the Eagles this weekend (they're my Zahara team -- after moving to the Philly suburbs, I adopted them) and after the game, Tom Brady was braying (like the ass he is) about the 31-28 win. Listen, peckerhead. When you're an 11-0 team, a 31-28 win is hardly something to be proud of.
Every time I watch the Pats play, I find myself wishing someone would tackle this assbag and then, step on his head. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm keeping the faith.
September 7, 2007
It Begins...
Because I am an ass of epic proportions, I missed the Colts laying the pimp-hand down on the Saints last night (41-10). Kinda bummed about that, but definitely looking forward to the 2007-2008 season.
Does living in a new city mean new allegiances? Philly may be filled with beer and cheesesteak-fueled Eagles fanatics, but this girl's still rocking the orange and teal. And this year, like every other, I'm convinced that we'll be making it to the big show.
Yes, our quarterback is almost eligible for social security and yes, we have another new coach but we're the only undefeated Super Bowl winners in the history of the NFL, we're the only pro team Dan Marino played for and we were among the stars of the 1994 Jim Carrey classic, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. If that doesn't qualify us as Super Bowl material, I don't know what does.
Being a Dolphins fan, you quickly learn to love having your still-beating heart ripped out of your chest and stomped on as if someone was putting out a fire. But when we win (especially when we beat the Pats, Jets or Bills), it heals all. There's nothing more beautiful than seeing Tom Brady's pitiful face falling against a backdrop of cheering fans decked in orange and teal. And this year, we've got a secret weapon. Well, three of them, actually.
Samoans -- fullback Reagan Mauia, center Samson Satele and defensive tackle Paul Soliai. Genetically, Samoans are superior athletes. They're big, they're tough and they can make Rice Krispies out of bones. Take Soliai, for example.
6'4" and tipping the scales at 344 lbs. Dude's built like a brick shithouse. And not only is he huge, but he can move. In 2007, big man ran the 40-yard dash in 5.02 seconds and had a 30 1/2 inch vertical jump. To put that in perspective for you -- Soliai can jump half my entire height. Yeah. Bad-ass.
In addition to unabashed optimism, the start of season also means foaming at the mouth while reading Sports Guy Bill Simmons' picks every week. Now, I love Simmons. I think he's funny, intelligent and a great writer. But, he's also a die-hard Pats fan and his picks, more often than not, suck. His wife (the delightfully charming Sports Gal), on the other hand, is awesome and in addition to making great picks, she also waxes philosophical on the really important matters (i.e.: what the hell is Heidi thinking in regards to Spencer and who had the better sideburns -- Brandon or Dylan?). For his week one pick, Simmons had this to say:
Firstly, we're gonna spank the Pats just like we do every year, so you and your team can suck it. Secondly, Orlando's not that bad a city. I lived there for four years and had a great time and finally, listen to your wife! She was smart enough to pick the 'Fins over the 'Skins and come Sunday, she's gonna reap the rewards.
So yeah, football season's upon us and I couldn't be happier. In the past, the Dolphins have made both me and Hootie cry, but this year? Tears of joy, baby. Like the fight song says, "When you say Miami, you're talking Super Bowl!"
Does living in a new city mean new allegiances? Philly may be filled with beer and cheesesteak-fueled Eagles fanatics, but this girl's still rocking the orange and teal. And this year, like every other, I'm convinced that we'll be making it to the big show.
Yes, our quarterback is almost eligible for social security and yes, we have another new coach but we're the only undefeated Super Bowl winners in the history of the NFL, we're the only pro team Dan Marino played for and we were among the stars of the 1994 Jim Carrey classic, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. If that doesn't qualify us as Super Bowl material, I don't know what does.
Being a Dolphins fan, you quickly learn to love having your still-beating heart ripped out of your chest and stomped on as if someone was putting out a fire. But when we win (especially when we beat the Pats, Jets or Bills), it heals all. There's nothing more beautiful than seeing Tom Brady's pitiful face falling against a backdrop of cheering fans decked in orange and teal. And this year, we've got a secret weapon. Well, three of them, actually.
Samoans -- fullback Reagan Mauia, center Samson Satele and defensive tackle Paul Soliai. Genetically, Samoans are superior athletes. They're big, they're tough and they can make Rice Krispies out of bones. Take Soliai, for example.
6'4" and tipping the scales at 344 lbs. Dude's built like a brick shithouse. And not only is he huge, but he can move. In 2007, big man ran the 40-yard dash in 5.02 seconds and had a 30 1/2 inch vertical jump. To put that in perspective for you -- Soliai can jump half my entire height. Yeah. Bad-ass.
In addition to unabashed optimism, the start of season also means foaming at the mouth while reading Sports Guy Bill Simmons' picks every week. Now, I love Simmons. I think he's funny, intelligent and a great writer. But, he's also a die-hard Pats fan and his picks, more often than not, suck. His wife (the delightfully charming Sports Gal), on the other hand, is awesome and in addition to making great picks, she also waxes philosophical on the really important matters (i.e.: what the hell is Heidi thinking in regards to Spencer and who had the better sideburns -- Brandon or Dylan?). For his week one pick, Simmons had this to say:
REDSKINS (-3) over Dolphins
The Dolphins' fans are angry that I stuck them in the Bruce Coslet Division yesterday; this is on the heels of Tampa fans being mad about the Tropicana Field photo essay; and the Jacksonville fans still being ticked because I made fun of their city two years ago when the NFL stupidly awarded them a Super Bowl. I'm slowly turning all of Florida against me and couldn't be prouder.(Next up: Orlando! If you ever wanted to know why the terrorists hate us, just spend a week there and it will all make sense. I've been there twice and there won't be a third time. No wonder Shaq fled for L.A.)
Firstly, we're gonna spank the Pats just like we do every year, so you and your team can suck it. Secondly, Orlando's not that bad a city. I lived there for four years and had a great time and finally, listen to your wife! She was smart enough to pick the 'Fins over the 'Skins and come Sunday, she's gonna reap the rewards.
So yeah, football season's upon us and I couldn't be happier. In the past, the Dolphins have made both me and Hootie cry, but this year? Tears of joy, baby. Like the fight song says, "When you say Miami, you're talking Super Bowl!"
September 6, 2007
RIP Luciano Pavarotti
Luciano Pavarotti died today of pancreatic cancer. He was 71.
The English hold a bit of a special place in their hearts for Pavarotti. After all, his majestic rendition of Nessun Dorma from Puccini's Turandot scored England's World Cup hopes during Italia '90.
I think Mark Oliver of The Guardian put it best: "It may have been mercilessly parodied and ridiculed for its mass, housewife CD-buying popularity but it was the tournament's greatest ever TV theme."
I can't listen to the piece without red and white imagery flashing through my mind -- a victorious goal. An ecstatic footballer sliding on his knees while clutching his shirt, his face alight with joy. A thunderous crowd roaring with approval.
Italia '90 was 17 years ago (and we ended up losing to West Germany in a penalty shoot-out...which reminds me of a Gary Lineker quote: "Football is a simple game; 22 men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans win") and since then, the English team has had numerous songs detailing their glory -- Fat Les' Vindaloo, The Lightning Seeds' Three Lions but in my mind, Nessun Dorma will always be the unmitigated anthem of English football.
Rest in Peace, Mr. Pavarotti.
The English hold a bit of a special place in their hearts for Pavarotti. After all, his majestic rendition of Nessun Dorma from Puccini's Turandot scored England's World Cup hopes during Italia '90.
I think Mark Oliver of The Guardian put it best: "It may have been mercilessly parodied and ridiculed for its mass, housewife CD-buying popularity but it was the tournament's greatest ever TV theme."
I can't listen to the piece without red and white imagery flashing through my mind -- a victorious goal. An ecstatic footballer sliding on his knees while clutching his shirt, his face alight with joy. A thunderous crowd roaring with approval.
Italia '90 was 17 years ago (and we ended up losing to West Germany in a penalty shoot-out...which reminds me of a Gary Lineker quote: "Football is a simple game; 22 men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans win") and since then, the English team has had numerous songs detailing their glory -- Fat Les' Vindaloo, The Lightning Seeds' Three Lions but in my mind, Nessun Dorma will always be the unmitigated anthem of English football.
Rest in Peace, Mr. Pavarotti.
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