Look bitch -- you knew I was a snake

Once upon a time, a woman was picking up firewood.
She came upon a poisonous snake frozen in the snow.
She took the snake home and nursed it back to health.
One day the snake bit her on the cheek.
As she lay dying, she asked the snake, "Why have you done this to me?"
And the snake answered, "Look bitch, you knew I was a snake."

This is one of my favorite parables. Not only because of the Tarantino connection and the profanity ("mittens!") but because of just how true it rings.

My teen years were spent embroiled in this thoroughly ridiculous mess of a relationship. Looking back, I realize just how adolescent and pointless it was. But, when you're sixteen -- it's easy to justify sheer idiocy and I had a three-pronged attack.

1. I "loved" him and "understood" him in a way that no-one else did.
Ummm, no Miss Mensa. You didn't and you didn't. It wasn't so much love as it was wanting to be in love. See what happens when you surround yourself with movies and music? All those great scenes and song lyrics make you nuts. Just ask Rob Fleming.

2. He was different.
Wrong again, Baby Einstein. Well, actually -- he was different because unlike the men in my life now, homeboy had a doctorate in douchebaggery. A doD, if you will. Unfortunately, Sixteen-Year-Old Jaime thought he was different because he whispered all those sweet nothings that every girl wants to hear. I wasn't friends with The Best Friend yet because if I had been -- he would have smacked me upside the head and said, "Hey asshole! He's only nice 'cause he wants to get in your pants!" Damn you, Biffle. Why didn't we meet sooner?

Let's try for a hat trick, shall we?

3. We were destined.
Oh Sweet Caroline, how do you even get dressed in the morning?! It wasn't destiny so much as it was cheap rent that was responsible for putting the two of you in the same neighborhood.

If I had just realized, "Look bitch, you knew he was a snake," I could have spared myself some seriously pathetic personal history.

Instead of moping about this dude and writing endless paeans about the 'complex' nature of our relationship (in reality, our relationship was about as complex as a monotone Rubix's Cube) -- I could have been out eating a great sandwich or learning to salsa dance or whatever it is people do when they're not languishing in the throes of self-involved assery.

However, as much as I'd like to take back those countless hours where I connected to R&B tracks on a disturbingly personal level, without that experience -- I wouldn't have realized just how amazingly wonderful the Nice Guy is.

Yeah -- the nice guy. The guy who eats his vegetables, loves his mom, calls when he says he's going to, compliments you sans ulterior motive and makes your life easy. Or, if you're so inclined -- the nice girl. You know, someone like this:


(image courtesy of IngredientX.com)

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is -- look bitch, you mess around with snakes and you're going to get bitten. Granted, some people get a buzz from the venom, but this girl? She's with Indy when it comes to snakes.

P.S.: My guy loves broccoli, is taking his mom to see The Dark Knight, is pretty great about keeping phone dates, told me I looked pretty this morning and makes my life fairly easy. In the words of Salt 'N Pepa and En Vogue -- whatta man, whatta man, whatta man, whatta man, whatta mighty good man. Hmmm...that's two references to R&B in one entry. Someone's been spending a bit too much time at 90's R&B Junkie.

The Dating Pool Needs a Little Chlorine

I've seen this posted all over the internet -- the infamous list of "50 Things Girls Wish Guys Knew."

It makes me want to punch people. In the larynx.

Some of the things I agree with (17. Three words -- honesty. Honesty. Honesty.) but they're pretty obvious and I very much doubt that any man's in the dark about them.

Dating is one of those things that's supposed to be relatively easy but we tend to overcomplicate. You meet someone, you get to know each other and you click or you don't. Don't square-peg-round-hole it. If it works, it works. If not, better luck in the next round.

The "Game" has always annoyed me. In addition to the rules (the wait-two-days before calling rule, for example. It's so stupid! It's not like eating and swimming. You dig someone? Give 'em a call!), there's a litany of unspoken codes and edicts and maxims and guidelines and secret handshakes which all invariably lead to dating becoming a completely unnecessary and torturous social obstacle course.

But what I hate even more is nonsense like this list which perpetuate this crap even further. There are 21 groups on Facebook dedicated to this meme which means that's there's probably a legion of women out there who read this and actually adhere to the idiotic principles therein.

Why? It makes no sense! Why acquiesce to all these arbitrations? Mikey didn't and he ended up being the big winner here tonight.

So, here's a much more realistic look (albeit abbreviated) look at the "50 Things Girls Wish Guys Knew."


1. Don't tell us when you think other girls are hot. I have no problem when my boyfriend proclaims his ardor for Evangeline Lily (which, by the way, I've heard ad nauseum since the last episode of Lost). She's hot. I know it. He knows it. Saying Evangelline Lily is hot is akin to saying fire is hot or water is wet. It's a simple fact and nothing more. I'm almost 99.98% certain that by merely stating a girl is hot, aforementioned girl will not magically show up and proceed to fellate the guy who made the statement. However, if by some twist of fate, Evangelline Lily showed up on Dan's doorstep? He gets a pass (because let's face it, that's pretty damn cool). As for Miss Lily? I'd make a necklace out of her teeth.

3. If you don't act like soap-opera guys, don't expect us to dress like Victoria's Secret models. If there's one thing I do not want in my life, it's for my boyfriend to act like a 'soap opera guy.' This would mean that he would cheat on me (quite possibly with a blood relative), impregnate said relative, develop amnesia and have soft-focus conjugal relations with me to the strains of cheesy jazz music. He'd also wear his hair in the douchebaggiest of all styles -- the blowout. As appealing as all of that sounds, I'm gonna pass. And as for the Victoria's Secret Model thing? My boyfriend doesn't expect me to dress like a VS model. He actually likes me in jeans and a tee. But, if I looked like her, I wouldn't wear clothes if my life depended on it.

6. We think about you all the time. I'll admit I think about Dan a lot, but I also think about the quickest way to procure pizza (girl's gotta eat), why Ann Coulter/Rush Limbaugh/Michael Savage aren't held to the same standards as Don Imus was, whether Axl Rose will ever regain his former glory, how the Dolphins will do next season, if that pink polka dot dress I liked is still on sale, how the Jim/Pam/Karen triangle will resolve itself on The Office and how I'm going to rig the cable at Mom's so I can get free HBO and Showtime this summer. This doesn't mean I love my boyfriend any less. It just means I'm a busy girl.

9. We like you to be a little jealous . . . but overly possessive is not necessary. No -- overly-possessive is a restraining order.

13. We're allowed to be late . . . you are not. If you're going to start up with completely mad double standards like this, it will come back and bite you in the ass. I.E. -- "I'm allowed full control of the remote control...you are not." "I'm allowed to forget my wallet every time we go out...you are not." "I'm allowed to sleep with whoever I please...you are not."

16. Laugh at our jokes. What the hell happened to honesty³? Sometimes, a joke will fall flat on its face. Accept that and move on.

19. We never have to wonder if your orgasm was real. I'm pretty sure guys already know this and those that don't? They need to pick up a copy of this now.

21. Would you like it if a guy treated your sister that way? We didn't think so. If you did the things you did with me to your sister -- we need to break up and y'all need to move to Alabama....quickly.

26. We love surprises! As in, "Surprise! The condom broke!"? I don't think so.

32. When we use our teeth it means that you suck at going down on us, so we are just returning the favor. Because attacking your boyfriend's penis with a pitbull-like ferocity is so much better than talking about things in a reasonable manner.

34. Hit it and quit it, because later I'll be with you're best friend and he lasts for hours. Firstly, it's your and secondly, any girl who'd sleep with your best friend and has precognitive knowledge about his stamina is probably a girl who shouldn't have slept with in the first place. Might wanna head to the free clinic and get that itch investigated.

36. Sometimes “NO!” really means “NO!” Actually, you passive-aggressive bint -- no always means no.

43. “Fat Chicks” have feelings too. Yeah...and they smother them with cheese and eat them. And if you thought I was being serious, you're a bigger moron than the putz who wrote the original list.