Welcome to the Terrordome

(courtesy of Popsugar)

America is the only society in the world where effete morons like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt not only survive past adolescence but actually thrive and prosper.
The only society where being talentless, blonde and pumped full of plastic is an EZ-Pass to celebrity -- a status that's getting easier and easier to attain with each passing day.
The only society where you can take two people whose collective IQ doesn't equal the amount of calories in a cup of cabbage and hand them lethal weaponry.

The ever-elusive "they" don't hate us for our freedom as George W. Bush has tried to convince us many times over.
"They" hate us because of things like this.


(courtesy of Popsugar)

Looking at these pictures is the only time in my life I have wished Dick Cheney was around.


On the list of things I hate about us:

- Anything even remotely related to Tila Tequila and the very concept of an Internet celebrity. Having a million friends on MySpace does not make you worthy of anything other than derision.
- Easy Mac and Crustables. Seriously, how effing hard is it to make a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich?
- NASCAR. Gas costs $4.15/gallon and these assholes just use it to go around a track for hours.
- The fact that Yahoo! Mail is now blocked by the company firewall. In the company's defense, though -- Yahoo! was littered with a ton of ads. Looks like I'll be making the switch to Gmail permanent.
- Karl Rove. I thought nefarious super villains only existed in comic books. Sadly for America -- I was very, very wrong.

However, it's the weekend and I don't want to start things off on a salty note, so here's a list of things I'm currently throughly enamored with:

- The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. Spare, evocative, heart-breaking and compelling. I read the entire book in one day and loved it. I picked up Hosseini's second book, A Thousand Splendid Suns and I can't wait to read it.

- Mangoes. Ate a sliver and then, went out and bought an entire box of them. Nothing tastes more like summer time.

- The Public Library. Thousands upon thousands of books all for free. It's an amazing and seriously underappreciated institution.

- The Dark Knight. Dan and I tried to get tickets for the 12:01 IMAX showing but they were sold out. Stupid fanboys. So instead, we'll be catching the 9:00 a.m. showing on July 18. I don't think I've ever been this excited for a movie before. Ever. Not only do I have the utmost faith in Nolan, but I am completely mesmerized with both Christian Bale and Gary Oldman. Particularly the latter.



Gary Oldman is an actor in the purest sense of the word. He's a chameleon who really bites his teeth into every role he takes on and really has the audience believing that he is Sid Vicious, Sirius Black, Beethoven, Lee Harvey Oswald, Dracula, Pontius Pilate or a lazy-eyed pimp named Drexl Spivey. The fact that Oldman has never won an Oscar is a glaring oversight on the part of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.The man is undeniably brilliant and I can't wait to see him play Lt. James Gordon again.

The Hills: Back To LA

You know, having a job really puts a serious dent in a girl's Hills blogging. I'm like, three weeks behind and have had to resort to watching the episodes online instead of on our seriously amazing television.



Yeah. It's pretty sweet.

However, this works out well for Milla Jovavich because now, I want to spend all my hard-earned ducats on her super-cute Target line.

A breakdown of the episode: Pratt-Daddy moved out of Casa Speidi and into Gatlin She-Pratt's digs, Whitney quit her job at Teen Vogue and got a job as a stylist with People's Revolution, Brody and Lauren get into a tiff because of he said/she said nonsense regarding significant others and Heidi's increasingly plastic facade continued to irritate me even further.

Let's talk about Miss Port's decision to leave Teen Vogue, shall we? Cherry position that hundreds would maim for, frequent trips to Paris, company perks like brushing shoulders with celebrities, the possibility of free couture and a paycheck?! I would do some incredibly shameful things to obtain a position like this and she's just letting it go to become a stylist at People's Revolution.

Speaking of clothing, Miss Montag debuted Heidiwood for clothing retailer, Anchor Blue. Like its namesake, the line is thoroughly mediocre, wildly unremarkable and slightly skanky.

And that brings us to this week's edition of You Look Like A Pratt! Usually, this section is dedicated to the overgrown Gerber Baby that is Spencer Pratt, but every now and then, Heidi steals the spotlight from him.



I would compare her to Barbie, but I think Barbie had slightly less plastic injected into her body. Miss Montag's sadness is about as genuine as that trout pout she's rocking.

If I awarded accolades for Most Annoying Moment, it would have been Heidi's half-wit story telling She-Pratt about the last time Speidi dined at Prana:

"When we were here, Spencer said he was going to get the Muscle Breakfast and I said, 'Why? Because you have no muscles?' and he said, 'Shut up.'

was the most stupid thing I have ever heard. If I had been in the vicinity and had overheard that crap, I would have grabbed the closest pot of hot coffee and flung it in her face. Oh and in case you're wondering, a Muscle Breakfast consists of egg whites, grilled chicken, fresh veggies, fruit and seven-grain toast.

How does She-Pratt have such a sweet apartment?!



When I was 22, I lived in a HUD housing development. That's a pretty way of saying I lived in the projects. I had a meth lab shut down three buildings away from me...and you know what? It was the best time of my life. God, I miss Lush Manor.
Quote of the Week: The honors go to Kelly Cutrone of People's Revolution. During their interview, she actually told Whitney, "You're basically making a deal with the devil." Is Whitney becoming a stylist or a drug mule?

However, Heidi comes in at a close second with, "It's not like we're broken up." Actually, Blondie -- you kind of are. I mean, I realize that when it comes to Pratt-Daddy, being a heinous bitch is de riguere, but when he moves out, takes all his shit with him and expresses a notion to date other women (who these women are, I have no idea. I mean, I'd rather shave my legs with a cheese grater than be in the same zip code as Admiral Asshole).

And to end on a good note:



Lo's back! She's the best friend any girl could ask for -- she's funny, she gives great advice and she's got great taste in clothes (and I'm sure she wouldn't mind sharing). How she doesn't have her own show on MTV is completely beyond me.

The Hills: Paris Changes Everything (Season 3 Premiere)

If you missed the show (like me), you can check it out at MTV.com.

The Hills is back and I've been suckered into it again. To make things even better, the premiere was an hour long, as opposed to the usual half-hour format. Awesome for me, seemingly endless torturous agony for Dan who was in the room while I was watching.

The episode rundown: Lauren and Whitney traipsed around Paris, played Teen Vogue go-fers, attended a debutante ball and hung out with dirty French rockstars, the brilliantly named Rock and Roll. Don't step in the irony. It's dripping all over the place.

Meanwhile stateside, Heidi spent some quality time at her parents' place in Colorado where Pratt-Daddy paid her 'surprise' visit and surprisingly, Heidi was remarkably catty to him the whole time. Good for Heidi...but she's still a complete idiot (more on that later). As for the final member of our fierce foursome, Audrina was nowhere to be seen.

Now, onto the show!

Usually I love Whitney's sartorial choices and think she's all sorts of sassy and fabulous, but that striped sock and shoe combo she was rocking? A little too Wicked Witch of the East for me. I spent the first five minutes of the episode worried that a house would come crashing down on her.

I really liked the 'You're Hearing' feature during the episode. Although, MTV lost serious points for the lack of consistency. I heard a clip of some Kanye track during the episode and it went unattributed. Come on, MTV. Step up your game a little.

Like a bad rash, She-Pratt returns! Stephanie is back and this time, she's armed. Unfortunately, the only weapons in her arsenal are bad eye-makeup, a thoroughly ridiculous facial expression and words of wisdom sheer incoherent idiocy for her brother.



One such example of She-Pratt's pithy philsophy? "You could think of everything you've done and do the opposite." With pearls like that, I'm surprised the Ivy League isn't on their hands and knees begging her to enroll in one of their institutions.

I would like to know what kind of moisturizer Whitney uses and sink my life-savings into this product. This is what Ms. Port looks like upon awakening:



It's not the best picture, but you get the point.

This leads me to two conclusions:
A) Our God is a vengeful and merciless God.
B) Whitney probably spent 45 minutes with a make-up artist and stylist before this scene was shot.

Stepping aside from The Hills for a second, can we please take a moment and talk about that God-awful Alicia Keys mini-soap that aired during the commercial break? What the hell was that?! Were the producers of that crap trying to out-insipid The Hills because if so, they succeeded in a huge way.

As ridiculous as She-Pratt's quote was, the Quote of the Week award goes to Whitney for sheer inanity. No, not the brilliant, "You love feathers....", but rather her keen observation -- "I'm sure Paris is full of guys cooler than Brody."

Yeah. And so is Three Mile Island. And the Arctic Circle. Ditto Chernobyl, Russia. It's not hard to be cooler than a man whose only claim to fame is nailing other pseudo-celebs, living off a trust fund and playing dress-up with your BFFE, Frankie.

And since we're kicking it old-school, it's time once again for You Look Like A Pratt! This week's epic aesthetic failure had nothing to do with the episode but was so God-awful that I just had to use it:



The 'I Am Not A Tool; I Am Not A Toolbox Or Even A Tool Shed. I Am The Entire Tool Section Of Every Sears Department Store In The Continental U.S.'

Now, usually I'm not an advocate of hunting for sport, but in this case? I think an exception can be made.

Speaking of scummy guys, let's meet Rock and Roll. They're unwashed, they're French and they're (hopefully) totally irrelevant.

Strike One: Paul the drummer's Flock of Seagulls hairdo. I realize he's a drummer and that everything everything old is new again, but not this. Never this. Ever. Homeboy needs to ditch the Aquanet post-haste.

Strike Two: Mattias. He looks like one of those creepy 42-year-olds that hang out in bars and scam on college girls, despite having every last one of their advances shot down.



Saving grace: The band has a designated tambourine player!

Lauren Pretty-In-Pinking her ball gown seemed like a disastrous idea from the get-go and then, when she burned it with her iron, my only thoughts were, "Cinderella, you're screwed."



But, this is not reality (despite what Whitney said during the episode). This is an amazing fantasy land where you can wreck a couture dress and then, poof! A new, even cuter one miraculously appears! The Hills are more magical than Hogwarts!



Despite my sniping, this season looks great -- Audrina and Heidi hanging out! She-Pratt realizing that hanging out with Lauren will increase her celebrity status way more than hanging out with her industrial-sized feminine hygiene product of a brother who stages photoshoots with his talentless girlfriend! A new puppy! Lo!

The Hills is back and that makes me feel how Lauren looks (damn it, she is adorable):

The Hills: When One Door Closes.

If you missed the season finale like I did last night (Dan and I watched From Hell -- great movie and further proof that anything Alan Moore does = awesome), you can check it out online here.

In the season finale, Lauren gets a second chance for international travel, Spencer and Heidi take some time apart and the episode (much like the entire season itself) proves to be spectacularly anti-climactic. I actually forgot all about the show until this morning when I realized that it was actually Tuesday and not Monday. Anyway, onto the details:

This season was definitely more whimper than bang. To sum it all up -- Audrina dated an unwashed urchin named Justin (who preferred to be called Bobby), Spencer and Heidi's sham of a relationship nauseated anyone who tuned in, Lauren wore fabulous clothes and played emotional tug-of-war with Brody Jenner and everyone drank without getting hungover. In other words -- the show is a perfect microcosm of MTV: shiny, pretty, vapid, famous for no particularly meritorious reason and shamefully addictive.

Wasn't the Paris thing faked last season? I refuse to believe that anyone would give up Paris for Jason Wahler. Hell, I wouldn't give up going to West Palm for J.Wahl and I grew up there.

Who's On Third is such a great name for a restaurant. But then again, I've always been a sucker for old school comedy -- Abbott and Costello, the Three Stooges, Laurel and Hardy. All good stuff.

The last You Look Like A Pratt of season three featured a new look for Pratt-Daddy:



Emo Spencer. The hoodie as black as his soul. The dark, brooding expression. All he needs is a little guy liner and he could be the lead singer for some third-rate punk band. Paging Fallout Boy!

God, I hope Stephanie doesn't become a major player next season. Actually, I hope I'm not still watching this show next season...but we all know I'll be both watching and blogging. Oh no. It's OK. I deserve your pity.

Gasp! Heidi has Kim lie for her?! Lying on The Hills?! My fragile world of pixie dust and glitter is crumbling around my feet.

Lauren's going to Paris! Gasp! Shock! My pixie-and-glitter dusted world is bounding back at a rate quicker than the development of Dubai.

Who can afford to run away to Paris? Lisa Love, apparently. I mean, finances aside -- there are passports and visas and all sorts of documentation to consider. You run away to your best friend or boyfriend's house. Not to a major European metropolis. I'd like to know what kind of upbringing Ms. Love had where she could just flit off to Europe without a moment's notice.

On that note, I'd give my kidney to spend some quality time in Paris. All I want to do is walk around city streets, sip cafe au lait, eat incredible baked goods and smooch my ridiculously cute fiance at random intervals.

This was the season finale?! This? Lauren goes to Paris with Whitney and Spencer and Heidi called off their wedding without a single curse word or object being flung across the room in anger?



I feel as confused as Lauren looks.

The Hills: Once A Player

Missed the episode? Head on over to MTV Overdrive to check it out.

This week: The ladies got into the Halloween spirit, She-Pratt meddled in her brother's relationship with Heidi causing even more tension and strife and Lauren and Brody played another exhausting round of emotional tug of war. Lauren is not going to be with Brody unless he reforms his philandering ways, so he either needs to do so and be with her or tell her straight up that it's not going to happen and stop stringing her along.

Oh and can we talk about his game or lack thereof? Brody is seriously going to dislocate his neck due to his wandering eyes. I thought checking out girls in front of other girls was a subtle art that took years to refine? And the beautiful eyes line? Come on, dude -- what are you? A rank amateur?

Quote of the Week: Our defending champion and possible clairvoyant, Miss Lauren Conrad for quipping, "Please, he'll couple with Frankie before me."



And like magic, Messieurs Jenner and Delgado show up dressed as the Dynamic Duo. Whitney was spot-on with her observation that this twosome were more like Siegfried and Roy because television's Batman and Robin were the biggest closet cases ever. Even more so than Ace and Gary.

I loved Lauren's flapper costume. The make-up was expertly applied and she can actually pull off dark hair very well. I'm ethnic and I don't think I could go that dark without looking ridiculous. Speaking of -- I want to dye my hair again. I'm thinking of staying with the rich chocolatey brown for now and then, when the weather gets warmer, going back to the caramel brown I love so much.

Return of the Lo! I honestly don't know why she doesn't have her own show yet. Every single girl needs a BFF she can go on a date with. Scratch that. Every girl, single or not, needs a BFF who'll tell them, "Well, I can be your boyfriend tonight."

Do I suck because I'm in love with Audrina's blue beret?



I found a knock-off at Forever XXI that will probably be making a cameo in my closet very, very soon.

J.Bob never liked to kiss? Huge red flag there. How can someone dislike kissing? I mean, I can understand it if your partner's awful (an ex of mine used to slobber like a rabid dachshund and it was truly foul) but apart from that? Next to live music, kissing is my favorite thing in the world.

You Look Like A Pratt: Usually, this is reserved for the aesthetic douchery of Spencer Pratt, but in this case, Brody Jenner gets the honors.



Flannel and backwards baseball cap? 1993 was fifteen years ago, dude and it didn't look good back then. To quote the great philosopher Cher Horowitz, "So okay, I don't want to be a traitor to my generation and all but I don't get how guys dress today. I mean, come on. It looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair - ew - and cover it up with a backwards cap and like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so."

The Fight: Pre-wedding jitters lead to a blow-out between Heidi and Spencer in which Spencer acted like a seven-year-old and mimicked Heidi in a high-pitched and thoroughly annoying voice. If you're still using this tactic to win debates, you seriously need to reconsider getting married. It didn't work when you were seven and it's not going to work now. Getting married at the age of 21 is a bad idea. Getting married at the age of 21 to a complete assbag like Pratt-Daddy? It's suicide.

And on a final, somewhat lighter note -- you've gotta feel bad for Britney in Canada. 'Britney Canada Whore' is hardly an affectionate term of endearment.

Next week: The season finale in which Spencer and Heidi's relationship is on the rocks and Whitney gets the chance to hit Paris once again.

The Hills: A Night At The Opera

Check the show out online here.

This week, we met another member of the Pratt clan and Audrina finally got a clue and broke it off with Justin-Bobby.

Apparently, the Pratts spawned several tow-headed offspring and this week, we got to meet Spencer's sister, Stephanie or as Lauren called her, "She-Pratt." [She-Pratt (n): Also known as Stephanie, sibling of Spencer. Blonde banshee found trolling the Los Angeles area trying desperately to gain some notoriety by picking fights with MTV reality stars].

The aesthetic similarities by Heidi and Stephanie kinda freaked me out. She-Pratt is beer-goggles version of Heidi and your typical wing-man nightmare. If I was a dude and had to take that for the team, my buddy would have to keep me in blow and beer for a whole year to make up for it.

The doorway to Opera resembles either a Michael Bay movie or the Puffy/Nas video for Hate Me Now. Neither of which I'd particularly like to associate myself with.

"Just stop being mean girls?" First of all, Roxy is a prostitute's name. Secondly, who the hell is Roxy? The juxtaposition of a statement that juvenile coupled with her tranny-esque features made me wish I was friends with Rob Zombie so I could call him and say I had found the star for his next horror flick.

Much like her toolbox brother, She-Pratt is down with the Dark Side and shares the same Sith Lord mentality -- "When you hate my brother, I hate you." For the last time, Siths never prosper. It didn't work for Vader, it didn't work for Maul, it didn't work for Sidious and it's not working for George W. Bush. Let go of the absolutes and come hang out in the light.

Speaking of Star Wars, what was up with Justin Bobby rocking a Jedi-look? If he thought it would help him mind-trick Audrina while he was scamming with other girls? Well, let's just say neither the Force nor the intelligence is with him.

You Look Like A Pratt: Now, I realize this space is usually reserved for the facial follies of the Prattmeister, but due to my utterly sophomoric sense of humor, I just couldn't resist this:



Heidi's gaping maw. The picture practically Photoshops itself.

Now onto the break up:

"What do you need from me?" Did Justin-Bobby really ask this question 'cause there are a litany of answers -- I need you to stop feeding me bullshit. I need you to stop kissing other girls. I need you to stop being one person when you're alone with me and a complete other when you'rearound your friends. I need you to be my boyfriend but above all -- I need you to take an effing shower.

Broken relationships should be dealt with like broken bones -- clean and quick or they'll never heal properly. Here's to hoping Audrina moves on and we never see nor hear from J.Bob again.

Quote of the Week: She-Pratt came out swinging for the fences and actually picked up this week's distinction with her characterization of (Brody's bro and tertiary character) Frankie Delgado as, "a wannabe Wilmer Valderrama." It may seem like a harsh characterization, but remember that Valderrama also managed to score Mandy Moore and pre-trainwreck Lindsey Lohan. There are worse people to be compared to.

And finally, when did Stephanie become Heidi's BFF? Doesn't that dubious distinction go to Jen Bunney?

NEXT WEEK: She-Pratt causes tension between Spencer and Heidi and Audrina re-enters the dating world. I'm on the edge of my seat already.

In football news:

The Dolphins continue their season-long streak of breaking my heart, but unlike some fair-weather fans, I still bleed orange and teal. If nothing else, we'll have a killer draft pick and obilterate the competition next year.

Pop Quiz:

The New England Patriots can:

A) Suck it.
B) Suck it long.
C) Suck it hard.
D) All of the above.

The correct answer, of course, is D.

The Pats played the Eagles this weekend (they're my Zahara team -- after moving to the Philly suburbs, I adopted them) and after the game, Tom Brady was braying (like the ass he is) about the 31-28 win. Listen, peckerhead. When you're an 11-0 team, a 31-28 win is hardly something to be proud of.

Every time I watch the Pats play, I find myself wishing someone would tackle this assbag and then, step on his head. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm keeping the faith.

The Hills: With This Ring

Missed the episode? Check it out online here. If you caught it, let's discuss:

This week, Heidi and Spencer got into their 'first big fight' (errm, didn't this already happen when Spencer ejected Heidi from his car last season?) over wedding plans and Whitney went on a date with everyone's favorite personal trainer, Jarett.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong but when Jarett made a cameo earlier this season, he was portrayed as a gym-rat idiot who spent entirely too much time hanging out with a dude who waxed philosophical about $0.40 vintage tees. Audrina knows this. Lauren knows this so why would they advocate Whitney dating someone like this? Do they not like Whitney?

Speaking of Miss Port, I'm glad her social life is actually being highlighted. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear that Lisa Love kept her chained to her desk in case of some dire fashion emergency.

Because I'm a 14-year-old boy trapped inside the body of a 24-year-old girl, I thought Big Wang's was the greatest name for a bar ever. Also adding to my sophomoric glee? The fact that the eatery offers a dish called the Dirty Sanchez (a jalapeño and cheddar hot dog topped with chili and more cheddar. Definitely sounds like the culinary equivalent of the act, doesn't it?).

Now that we've effectively wrapped up the sub-plot, let's get into the meat of this week's episode -- Heidi and Spencer trying to plan a wedding.

I can't believe they're still fighting about it, either. I mean, dear Lord, Spencer. Cabo? Vegas? Dude, you're getting married, not spending a weekend with your bros.

Oh and, "just tell me what day to be there?" Unacceptable answer. If Dan said that, I would punch him in the larynx. Women, for the most part, understand men. We understand that you don't ooh-and-ahh over china and we're not asking you to. We just want a couple of honest opinions because we're both in this thing together.

And speaking of china -- Heidi, could you be more tacky? The only way you can justify owning china with names on it is if your name is either Kate Spade or Royal Doulton. (I own Kate Spade china, by the way and it's pink and green and just fabulous). And a crown? Two kinds of girls wear crowns -- three-year-olds playing dress-up and spoilt, pretentious super sweet sixteens. Though she intellectually fits both profile, I can categorically state that Miss Montag is neither a toddler nor a sixteen-year-old. Therefore, a crown would be a terrible accessory.

Was anyone else shocked that Pratt-Daddy didn't self-immolate or at least start smoking a bit when he set foot in the church?

And did anyone else notice that Spencer doesn't walk so much as he oozes into a room?

I don't often agree so vehemently with Heidi, but Blondie had a serious point here. I don't care if he rented EVERY honeymoon suite in Vegas. If a girl says she doesn't want to elope, then packing her bags and planning to whisk her off to Vegas will result in fail of epic proportions.

Which brings us to our Quote of the Week. It doesn't happen often but every now and then, Heidi's brain and mouth connect and she says something intelligent: "This isn't like, Spencer's relationship and you decide what we do." Valley-Girl speak aside, Miss Montag made a pretty salient point. A relationship is comprised of compromise and I don't think Pratt-Daddy quite understands that concept.

This week's You Look Like A Pratt is more proof that Spencer is incredibly aptly named. Introducing Spencer Douchenozzle Mimsy de Prattfeather:

He manages to be both waspy and waspish. What a winning combination.

In conclusion, Heidi and Spencer are idiots. You would think of everyone in this world, these two dolts would realize that once MTV starts interfering in your relationship -- your relationship is doomed to fail. Nick and Jessica. Carmen and Dave. Shanna and Travis. These are not politicians or academic scholars or anyone of remote importance -- these are celebrities. People Pratt-Daddy and Heidi actually know about and understand. MTV meddling = inevitable crash-and-burn of relationship.

Next week: We meet more of the Pratt clan. Spencer has a sister? Dub?!

On and totally unrelated, but I am seriously jonesing for a Coke Slurpee.

The Hills: Forgive and Forget

Yes, I realize I'm a day late with this week's recap, but I have good reason.

Yesterday, Dan and I trooped down to Philly to have my biometrics done. In simpler terms -- I got fingerprinted for my work authorization permit and green card! We also spent some quality time at Reading Terminal Market -- home of the world's best brownies courtesy of the Flying Monkey Patisserie and had an All-American lunch at the Melrose Diner. No wonder Philadelphia was voted the fattest city in the country -- there is so much good food here.

Anyway, moving on: if you missed the show too, you can make like me and check it out online here.

This week, Heidi vs. Lauren -- the Thrilla at the Hollywood Villas. The girls finally come face to face (again) and air out their grievances.

Heidi and Lauren ran into each other at a Declare Yourself event -- essentially, a really well-promoted voter registration drive. That being said, I wonder how many cast members are actually registered to vote?

Dreads, Justin-Bobby? Really? Unless you're Rastafari, dreads are nothing more than the easiest way to stop washing your hair. And the burping? Seriously nauseating. I'm hardly little miss prim-and-proper, but that was just foul.

LOVED the look on Lauren's face when Heidi came sauntering up. Without saying a word, she communicated, "Bitch, even you can't be this stupid."



How awkward do you think that scene was for Whitney and Kim? I mean, by this point I'm sure Whitney is used to Heidi's histronics, but Kim? Just kinda stood there clutching her drink and feeling completely out of place.

And that first meeting brings us to our Quote of the Week in which Lauren tells Heidi: "Having your boyfriend do your dirty work doesn't make you innocent." Guilty by association. Now, in most cases -- I would refute this, but when it comes to Speidi? I'm taking Lauren's side. What kind of asshole best friend sits idly by while her boyfriend spreads malicious lies?

Speaking of Pratt-Daddy, it 's time for this week's edition of You Look Like A Pratt!. This week, Spencer unveiled 'Old Yeller' -- the bared teeth, the fluffy blonde mop and the frenzied rabid expression. The only difference between the pooch and the Pratt? The dog used to be lovable at one point.



Love Chiara (even though she sounds like a tertiary character on Thundercats) because she repeatedly shut down any of Audrina's plans to meet up with J.Bob.

Now, onto the confrontation -- Heidi bought flowers, commented on how pretty the apartment was and skirted her way around whether she and Spencer were responsible for the sex tape scandal. Lauren said she wanted to forgive and forget Miss Montag. Hardly Ali versus Frazer. Heidi seems incredibly lonely and desperate to regain Lauren's friendship but Lauren's not having any of it. Why should she? Trust is fundamental to any relationship and when the trust disappears, so does the relationship.

Next week: A timely recap featuring Heidi and Spencer's wedding planning. I wonder who MTV is planning to cast as the officiant. I say, bring back Richard Grieco. I mean, he rocked on 21 Jump Street.

The Hills: Young Hollywood

If you missed it or just feel like destroying braincells, you can watch last night's episode online here.

This week's episode was another quiet one, despite the fact that both Heidi's 21st birthday and the Teen Vogue Young Hollywood party were central to the storyline. You think the writers for this show went on strike long before the rest of the WGA did?

Completely beyond me is the fact that MTV edited the show to make it seem like Miss Montag had a quiet 21st birthday when in actuality, she spent it at Los Angeles hotspot LAX (also known DJ Am's digs) bleating out her new single. There's even video of the musical massacre.



Firstly, Heidi. Hire a choreographer, stat. Having a seizure to music does not constitute as dancing and secondly, I realize MTV is on par with the Bush administration when it comes to deception and trickery, but come on. I may watch The Hills, but I'm not that stupid.

Speaking of Heidi, you know how I'm constantly coveting her job? Changed my mind! I want Audrina's job. I had completely forgotten that she worked for Epic Records. I would love to work for a record label. Especially one like Epic whose talent roster includes AC/DC, Pearl Jam and Ben Folds. The schmoozing and drinking with musicians would be nice, but I'd much rather work in the background. Hell, I'd edit copy on lyric sheets and go on coffee runs if it meant a job at a label.

Oh and in case you're wondering -- the Naughty Schoolgirl cocktail Audrina ordered at One consists of Stoli Raz, lemonade, a raspberry sugar rim and a lollypop garnish. But, education doesn't come cheap. If you want to down one of these luscious libations, be prepared to pony up $13 per drink.

The tension between Justin-Bobby and the dude from The Ruse was hilarious. I realize that our boy Bobby hardly qualifies as a loquacious lothario, but what the hell does, "she's a good girl" really even mean? Does it mean that you're dating her or does it mean that Miss Patridge won't hop on the good foot and do the bad thing? I'm not saying the dude from The Ruse was a great catch, but JB is an anchor dragging down the good ship Audrina.

And the topic of lousy significant others leads us directly to this week's edition of You Look Like A Pratt!

We've seen the 'Bitch, I'mma Brain You' face. We've seen 'The Beavis.' And this week, Pratt-Daddy revealed another fascinating facet of his glowing personality. The Attentive Boyfriend.



Note the lovelight in Pratt-Daddy's eyes as he tenderly caresses the keypad on his iPhone. Listen, Admiral Douchenozzle. I realize you just dropped what probably qualifies as a tuition payment on Heidi's Chanel Bag, but dude, put away the phone and spend some time actually talking to your fiance.

Quote of the Week: There is no QOTW this week, ladies and gentlemen. Remember, you're watching The Hills, not House.

Next Week: Heidi and Lauren meet to make up! Unless someone really goes for the gold, I've already got next week's Quote of the Week lined up. Lauren telling Heidi -- "I want to forgive you and I want to forget you."

Smart girl, that Lauren. I just wish I had the intelligence to have told my exes the same thing.

The Hills: Stress and the City

If you didn't Tivo the episode, you can either wait for a rerun or catch it online.

This week's episode featured Spencer trying to kiss and make up with Brody while Whitney and Lauren headed to New York City to pitch the Teen Vogue Young Hollywood party. You'd think a bi-coastal episode would be fairly action packed. You'd think wrong. A common complain of the show now is that nothing happens. Lauren wears cute clothes, Spencer and Heidi incite nausea and everyone drinks without getting sloppy or hungover. Where's the fun in that?

Anyway, onto the episode:

Holding a Teen Vogue party in a Catholic church might just be the worst idea ever. Firstly, half the guests would immolate as they walked through the door and secondly, you know someone's going to get hammered and use the font in a completely in appropriate manner. And the suggestions of hiding the confessionals/using them as photobooths? I'm not religious in the least, but that just seems in bad taste. Speaking of the Catholic Church and bad taste, Ms. Spears is at it again. Pissing off the Catholics is a great way to sell records. Just ask Madonna -- she did it twenty years ago. Between the child molestation scandal and dwindling attendance, I think the church has got bigger fish to fry.

God, I want to live in New York. Every episode of Sex and the City, every movie with New York City as a backdrop (especially when the movie features a couple wandering around Manhattan at some ungodly hour) intensifies this desire even further. Then I realize that there's no way I'd be able to afford an apartment any bigger than a postage stamp and my dreams come crashing back to reality.

Judging by what I saw on the show, people involved in the fashion industry don't emote. Ever. And on the rare occasion that they do, it's creepy.

Which brings us to our Quote of the Week: Lauren gets this week's honor -- "I'm gonna go give Lisa Love a hug...and then run away because I'm afraid of what she'll do to me." Fashionistas are frightening. I guess a diet of coffee, cigarettes and vodka will do that to you.

And that leads us nicely into to this week's edition of You Look Like A Pratt! Usually, our weekly picks come straight from the show but since it's Halloween, I figured we'd go with something especially terrifying -- Douchebag Spidey (Speidi?).




I see a trick but am unsure where the treat would be in all this. Little hint, it's definitely not in his pants. Pratt-Daddy, I don't need to know what religion you are, so how's about throwing on a pair of boxers in public, huh? Thanks.

In one fell swoop, Pratt-Daddy has managed to completely desecrate one of the world's most beloved superheroes. Stan Lee, Steve Ditko and Tobey Maguire should get together and pummel this guy black and blue...or at least set Kraven the Hunter on his trail.

Next week: The Teen Vogue Young Hollywood party! Heidi's 21st birthday! Another half-an hour wrenched from my life that I will never get back!

The Hills: No More Mr. Nice Guy

Missed last night's episode? You can either wait for a reruns airing on MTV today or you can check it out here. Isn't technology great?

On this week's episode --Lauren goes on a date with a model and Spencer reminds the world that he's an infantile douche. Another somewhat quiet episode. Every week, I watch this show and wait for fireworks and every week, I'm let down. By this point, we all know the show is scripted, so how about livening things up a little, MTV? Get the Melrose Place writers onboard and let the insanity commence. Audrina and Whitney have a lingerie catfight in the pool (and male viewership skyrockets), Heidi fakes her own death and then, returns with a vengeance to blow up Hillside Villas and Spencer....well, Spencer really wouldn't have to do anything differently. His entire life seems to be a cheesy night-time soap.

Just a suggestion, MTV.

Anyway, let's move on:

According to Brody, Lauren's got a thing for bad boys. Most women seem to flirt with the idea of this archetype during some point in their lives and most regain their senses and realize that bad boys are like multiple shots of tequila at Happy Hour. It's not a long-term investment -- you're merely renting until they makes you sick and must be expelled at all costs .

Lauren's date du jour, Gavin was not a bad boy. I'd define him more as 'Generic Pretty Boy.'



He's cute in that clean-cut Abercrombie sort of way and nice enough, but ultimately forgettable. Better luck next time, kid.

If he wasn't a model, I'd feel kinda bad for the guy. I'm a champion of nice guys (both my best friend and my fiance fall into that category) and hate that they always seem to get the shaft. Ladies, put down the jerk and find yourself a nice guy. The one who makes you laugh instead of making you feel like crap. The one who holds your hand in public and tells you that you're beautiful instead of grunting that you're 'hot' and considers that acceptable foreplay. Trust me --nice guys are the way to go (by the way, my best friend is not only single, but totally adorable, on his way to med school and knows how to make the best pineapple-upside-down cake ever. I'm just saying).

I really hope that Kimberly is the new 'Elodie' and snakes Heidi's job. In two minutes, she proved that she was a much more capable employee than Heidi has in three seasons of working at Bolthouse.

Quote of the Week: This week's episode had a couple of interesting little quips but the grand prize goes to the ever-fabulous Miss Lo who chimed in with this little gem: "I love passing judgment on people!"

Me too! And I'm so good at it. It's a shame I can't list it under 'skills' on my resume.

Also worthy of a little recognition? The receptionist at Bolthouse (Kimberly, perhaps?) when she asked Spencer, "And you are....?" That must have dinged Pratt-Daddy's ego a little and finally, Heidi zinging her fiance by saying, ""Oh, I'll be at work. Why don't you try it?"

Them's fighting words, Miss Montag, but you do bring up a good point -- how does Pratt-Daddy earn his ducats? Life in Los Angeles (like in any urban metropolis) isn't cheap.

And that brings us to another edition of You Look Like A Pratt:

Although this week's episode featured Spencer resembling a very hairy Gerber Baby, this picture was too good to pass up:


[Photo Credit: Just Jared]

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Peter Peter Pumpkin Passer. 'Cause that's what it looks like he's trying to do -- pass a pumpkin like a gallstone....and you know what, I think he might just be able to do it.

Next week: Spencer and Brody consider kissing-and-making-up, the Teen Vogue interns spend some quality time in New York City and I once again lust after Lo's aviators and really wish I could pull off that look.

The Hills:What Goes Around....

Missed last night's episode? You can either wait for one of the multiple reruns airing on MTV today or you can check it out here.

In this week's episode, we finally figured out the perpetrator of the sex-tape rumor scandal -- a mystery so transparent, the Olsen Twins could have solved it (it's Spencer. Obviously). This week also featured the return of everyone's least favorite tertiary character, Jen Bunney. Being considered useless is one thing. Being considered useless on The Hills? Uncharted territory, there.

Anyway, moving on:

Did anyone notice the Joel Madden and Pete Wentz lookalikes who popped up within the first ten seconds? Why do men emulate these two asshats? They're not remotely attractive nor talented. Fellas -- you want a guy to model yourself after?



How about this guy? Paul Newman. Award-winning actor, director, philanthropist, quite possibly the most gorgeous man to ever walk the earth and he was #19 on Richard Nixon's Enemies List. What has Pete Wentz ever done? Flash his junk and title songs with ridiculously long-winded names. He doesn't even begin to compare to Paul Newman.

Why did Heidi look so confused when Brent was talking to her? He was using small words and talking about her job, but judging by the look on Miss Montag's face -- you'd think he was discussing quantum physics in Hebrew. Moments like this are an ice-pick to my heart. Montag has the intellectual capacity of cotton candy and yet, has a job I would sell my kidney for.

I wish I could rock aviators like Lo. She looks cool. I look like I got a 'Little Miss Cop' Playset for Christmas.



See? And while we're on the subject of me looking like a complete idiot -- I really want one of those cashmere shawls Lauren picked out at Diane Merrick. Unfortunately, my bank account doesn't really agree with a $198 purchase right now. Even if it is the cutest shade of pink ever.

Why are the restaurants in Los Angeles so empty? Approximately 9.9 million people in Los Angeles County and none of them seem to frequent any of the numerous spots where the cast choose to dine and drink.

Quote of The Week: "...."

That's it. No quippy soundbyte and no pithy street philosophy from the hardened streets of the Hollywood Hills. Instead, this week's quote pays tribute to any one of the awkward silences featured on the episode. The uncomfortable silence between Jen Bunney and Lauren or the crickets chirping as Heidi struggled to string together a sentence while talking to Spencer.

You Look Like A Pratt!

Meet the Sandy Muzzle -- Pratt's pitiful puss for the week.

You know when a raccoon (or any feral woodland creature, for that matter) gets into the garbage can and emerges with crap all over face? That's Pratt-Daddy. I'll leave you to make your own allusions.

Oh and while we're on the subject, what do you think the odds are that Spencer's book (a tome on intelligent investing) was chosen strictly for camera purposes? I get the feeling that if it's not cheat codes for video games, Pratt-Daddy doesn't consider it required reading.

Next Week on The Hills: Spencer is a douchebag about another anniversary (Jesus, how many anniversaries do these guys celebrate? They're like Cory and Topanga), Lauren hangs out with a blonde guy with very white teeth and Brody gets a little jealous. Just another day.

The Hills: What Happens In Vegas

Episode here and commentary below.

This week's episode of The Hills was rather festive. The ladies (sans Whitney, plus newcomer Jill) headed off to Vegas to celebrate Brody Jenner's birthday and Spencer and Heidi celebrated their one year anniversary. As much as I dislike the unholy hybrid that is Spencer+Heidi, I do like the fact that they have a local. I've gotta work on getting one of those with The Fiance. Anyone know any good places in West Chester? Let me know.

Anyway, onto the episode.

Heh. Spencer wants to give Heidi a facial. Yes, I am a 14-year-old boy -- thanks for asking. Alright, I've got that out of my system now. Moving on.

Justin-Bobby returns as surly as ever. Firstly, who takes a guitar on a plane without a carrying case and secondly, why does he insist on stealing Audrina's sunglasses?



Justin Bobby is one part Hollywood celebutante (note the pursed lips), one part Bono as The Fly and all parts filth-encrusted. Every time I see him, I just wanna toss a bar of Irish Spring his way and hose him down.

Is The Palms the only hotel in Vegas? MTV would certainly have you believe so.

Lo (after Lauren poses a shoe-related question): Just try 'em all on!

Oh, Lo! She's a girl after my own heart and one who fully understands the importance of shoes in a girl's life. It's this philosophy that had me tearing up and down stairs in four-inch heels on Sunday. Yes, I almost mangled my ankle (again), but dammit, I looked awesome. Two different people told me I had a Jackie O-esque vibe happening and if that isn't a compliment, I don't know what is.

You Look Like A Pratt!

Yes! The 'Bitch, I'mma Brain You' Face returns! We saw this gem of an expression when Heidi white-washed Spencer's gaudy mural and it returned in full force this week when Heidi had to cut their date short.



Pratt-Daddy looks like he's three seconds away from having fire leap from his eyeballs and melt all of Heidi's plastic bits and pieces. Awesome. Just awesome.

Not so awesome? Heidi saying, "I love you" and Pratt-Daddy responding, "No, you don't" in a tone flatter than Heidi's chest, pre-plastic surgery.

Speaking of which -- I can't believe Heidi would rather spend time with Spencer than work at the Emmy's. The girl's an idiot and doesn't deserve the job she has.

And on that note, score for Elodie!



Was it a bit of a childish move on Elodie's part? Yeah, but Heidi deserved it. She's got a job that thousands (myself included) covet and she doesn't seem remotely appreciative.

Not surprised by Lauren and Brody's kiss at all. Especially when you consider how palpable the sexual tension is between the pair. Although, I was a little confused as to whether he was kissing her or eating her face.



See what I mean? I once dated a guy who tried to suction out my molars every time we kissed. It was like being violated by a dentist. No fun at all.

Speaking of teeth, Audrina's passive-aggressive whining got to me like a dental drill. Take it from someone who's dated a Justin Bobby type -- cut your losses and move on. Trust me. You'll be much happier (and when did this blog go from pop culture commentary to a laundry list of the losers I've dated?)

Quote of the Week: Our defending champion, Lauren triumphs again this week with this classy little soundbyte: "I just saw Lo's Britney!" Classic. Just classic.

And while we're on the subject -- dear God, it's like watching a slow-motion car crash, isn't it? I have no pity for Spears, but I feel terrible for her kids. Ten years from now, they'll go online and not only see Mommy's 'Britney', but see a plethora of pictures including, but no limited to, Mommy falling down sloppy-drunk on numerous occasions, Bald Mommy attacking photographers with an umbrella and Mommy endangering their lives more than once.

Schadenfreude only goes so far. At this point, it's just sad.

The Hills: For Better Or Worse

You know the drill by now. Episode can be viewed here.

Another fairly mundane episode this week. Lauren learns that Jason is engaged, Spencer and Heidi make me reach for the Emetrol yet again and everyone drinks! (My tolerance to alcohol at this point is pathetic. After pickling my liver at The Best Friend's birthday bash in July, I haven't been able to stomach more than one drink, regardless of what it is.)

Drinking with rock stars always means doing more than one shot. I don't pal around with rock stars on a daily basis or anything, but I have read Hammer of the Gods enough times to realize that any rock star worth his salt is probably half-a-step away from being a full-fledged alcoholic.

The fact that Heidi doesn't get Spencer's impassivity to china and other registry items proves that she is woefully ignorant when it comes to the nuances of men. As a general rule, most heterosexual men do not get all a'flutter when confronted with place settings. You want to see men get really excited about something? Round up his boys and toss a Wii, a copy of Madden 2008 and a 24-pack of beer in the mix.

In regards to Jason and Katja's engagement -- dub? This was pretty much my reaction too.



Yeah.

Why would a girl with a future (Katja Decker-Sadowski is a national tennis champ) want to get her fingerprints all over that train wreck? I realize that women are attracted to bad boys, but there's 'Bad Boy' and then, there's lifetime liability...and guess which category Wahler falls into?

Why was everyone playing dress-up this episode? Heidi looked like a little girl who got a little too into her Bridal Barbie playset. And Whitney with that fedora and those oversized red-framed sunglasses? Yikes. No, honey. No. I realize vintage is very cool, but a smash-and-grab of the $0.50 table at Goodwill is never a good idea.



Quote of the Week: Again, our winner is Lauren for this little vocal gem: "I don't picture my engagement party to have a keg and a Bob Marley poster." If you are in possession of either, you're probably not old enough to be considering marriage or possibly even drinking legally. Oh yeah and odds are, you're also a massive toolbox.

And speaking of tools, it's time for another edition of You Look Like A Pratt!

=

This week, Pratt-Daddy unveiled, 'The Beavis' -- an insult to low-brow humor fans everywhere. The resemblance really is startling. Everything from the fluffy blond pompadour to those harpic white teeth.

And while we're on the subject, you know what kind of asshole is embarrassed to tell his folks that he's getting married? The same kind of asshole who would stage a faux engagement for a reality show.

Next week: Vegas, baby, Vegas! More Lo! More Brody! And our favorite hyphenate return -- oh, Justin-Bobby.

The Hills: They Meet Again

You know the drill. Catch the show here and read the comments below:

Spencer's pseudo-slop was nauseating. "I miss you..." Dude, she's in the same city and you'll be blowing up her cell all day. Now, I realize there might be a little of the pot/kettle situation happening here considering just how much I write about missing my fiance, but for the most part, 1000 miles separated us -- not approximately 30 Starbucks locations (What's that, like five miles in L.A.?)

Speaking of Working Gal Barbie -- that's exactly what Heidi resembled: a working gal. She needs to pick up an issue of Glamour because that much cleavage at work? Definitely a don't.

The Ketchup thing was painfully planned for optimum drama. I mean, they live in Los Angeles where a new bar opens every half-hour. Would it really have been that hard for Heidi and Spencer (Spiedi? Henser?) to find a different venue to patronize?

Quote of the Week: The honor goes again to Lauren. Upon seeing Jason bobbing around idiotically in his seat, Miss Conrad commented, "That's good. You should do that when you meet people." With dry, cool wit like that -- she could be an action hero. Runner-up? Heidi of all people for the snarky, "Maybe they're back into movie-making action..." Now, I'm not saying Heidi and Spencer are the ones who spread that rumor, but judging by the look on her face -- I'd say it was pretty obvious.



Or...maybe she was just in serious need of a bowel movement. You know, other than Spencer.

Oh and speaking of Miss Montag -- who taught her the word, 'baffling'? Hearing her say that was like watching a chimp use tools for the first time. I was, well...baffled by it.

Love Lauren's gray dress! I can't find a picture of it anywhere yet, but as soon as I do -- I want. I want. I want.

Homeboy probably would poison Lauren's drink. And on that note, it's time for this week's edition of: You Look Like A Pratt.

This week, I noticed Spencer making a face that looked like an unholy union between Egon Spengler and Slimer, both from the 1984 classic, Ghostbusters. I like to refer to this face as the Slime-gler:


+ =

Unfortunately, I couldn't find a screencap of the face, so this week -- use your imaginations and check out Pratt Daddy throwing up some seriously distended hand-signs. 90038 REPRESENT!

Score for Elodie. I'd glad she gave Heidi a dressing down because Miss Montag is in dire need of one. When all of your friends jump ship, that probably means you did something wrong.

Why didn't my Loser Ex ever buy me a Chanel handbag? I don't remember that dude buying me as much as a stick of gum. Although, my loser ex never resembled a beaver in heat, so maybe it all evens out.

Final thoughts:

If we substituted a letter in the word 'aunt', we'd have a pretty good description of Heidi and Pratt-Daddy? The word begins with a 'C' and ends with an 'R', but ain't 'Contractor.'

In regards to next week's episode -- who doesn't tell their parents about their upcoming nuptials? Douchebags, that's who. Heidi, welcome to the life of being a Starter Wife. You better get yourself an iron-clad pre-nup, darling.

Oh and real quick before I dash off, let's talk about the Tila Tequila show. She's not straight and she's not gay. She's just a ho, fo' sho'.

The Hills: Second Chances + more of MTV's exhaust fume television

You know the drill by now. Episode here and thoughts below.

A fairly quiet episode this week despite the return of Jason and Heidi's Lady-Macbeth-as-a-ninny impersonation. So quiet, in fact, that this week, we don't have a quote of the week nor do we get to play You Look Like A Pratt. A damn shame, that, but hopefully, next week will make up it. Anyway, moving on:

Lauren's relationship with Jason reminds me of The Godfather (as well as a soured relationship of my own): "Just when I thought that I was out, they pull me back in!" Thank God she didn't follow it up with Al Pacino's signature 'Hoo-ahhh!' That would have been disturbing.

Without Spencer's Machiavellian scheming, Heidi wouldn't have even have thought to snake the position from Elodie. No-one deserves the job more than Heidi?! Come on! What does she even do? Does loitering around the Bolthouse offices and provides her boss with gossip regarding her ex-BFFE really constitute as 'work'? Spencer is definitely the Iago to Heidi's (very stupid, very blonde) Othello. I can't believe Heidi actually had the gall to tell Elodie that she, "didn't want to step on anyone's toes." Isn't that exactly what she did?

Derek and Jarrett -- is there some factory in Jersey that mass-produces guys like this? The gym-rat-tight-tee-wearing-overgelled idiot? Does anyone actually find this attractive? Lauren said she wanted to stab herself in the eye during this excruciating date. I wanted to stab myself in the eye while watching this excruciatingly painful encounter. I mean, honestly -- who dedicates that much time to talking about vintage shirts that cost $0.40?

Let's talk Jason -- still looks like a feral beaver and still reeks of Eau de Douche. His appearance on The Hills isn't what interests me, though. MTV finally jumped on the Dancing/Skating/Knitting with the Celebrities bandwagon with Celebrity Rap Superstar -- a show that couples Q-list hip-hop hopefuls with rappers as their mentors. The 'talent' on this show?

Shar Jackson (I have this theory that your celebrity stock immediately plummets when you come into contact with Federline DNA), Perez Hilton (who kinda looks like he'll be appearing on an episode of To Catch A Predator in the very-near future)



See what I mean?

Sebastian Bach (Is there a television show he won't do?), Countess Vaughan (The Curse of Moesha, perhaps? It's like the Poltergeist curse...only much, much lamer), Jamal Anderson of the Atlanta Falcons (one too many hits to the head?), Playboy Playmate and Girl-Next-Door Kendra Wilkinson (because one lame reality-based television show just isn't enough), Efren Ramirez (that poor bastard will be known as 'Pedro' for the res of his life, no matter what he does) and rounding out this cast of winners is our very own J.Wahl.



I caught him on TV a couple of nights ago performing the LL Cool J classic, Goin' Back To Cali. Now, I know they say there's too much violence in hip-hop but if Uncle LL appeared and knocked him out, I think it would be completely justified.

What Lauren ever saw in this toolbox,I'll never understand.

Next week -- more Lauren and Jason! More Heidi and Spencer! And hopefully, a little less Justin-Bobby.