Dan and I had another conversation about weddings last night and it ended where it always ends -- up in the air.
The wedding industrial complex is a money-hungry beast intent on devouring every last red cent you have...and unbelievably enough, people are more than willing to feed it.
There's the ceremony, the location for the reception, the caterer, the open bar, the DJ, the rings, the dress, the suit, the invitations, the flowers, the photographer, the favors and a litany of other things I'm sure I'm forgetting.
According to CostofWedding.com, the average price of a wedding in my zip code is between $39,164 and $65,274.
What. The. Fuck?
That's a salary. That's actually more than a salary to some people. And it all goes towards one day.
Wow...
So, let's do a line by line breakdown of how much it would cost for your neighborhood friendly blogger to get married, shall we?
Ceremony: Dan and I would actually save money here since we're planning a completely secular union. Not holding the ceremony in a church or paying a pandit to tell us when to walk around a fire = cash in pocket. Sweet. Of course, we might regret this decision when we're roasting in the fiery pits of hell or when we're reincarnated as tapeworms, but for right now -- we're golden.
Reception Location: Our biggest problem here is finding a convenient location for both his family (who live in Pennsylvania) and my family (who live in Florida). Initially, I thought Florida would work as a viable option because his family could come for the wedding and stay for the theme parks. However, once I realized how inconvenient (and expensive) it would be for me to tour the facility and meet with caterers, DJs and photographers - I put the kibosh on it. A good location is also pretty costly -- most I've seen start at $1000 and it's more if you want to get married on a weekend (which we do).
CostofWedding.com says:
$1,680-$2,800
Caterer: We need a caterer who cooks good vegetarian food. When half of your guests are vegetarians, a pasta and grilled veggie plate just isn't going to cut it. If I was definitely getting married in Philly, I would have Palace at the Ben cater the affair -- not only would they make the Indian contingent happy, but their rates are 50% less than most other caterers.
$65 a person (non-vegetarian catering) x 60 = $3,900
$25 a person (vegetarian) x 40 = $1000
Total: $4,900
Open Bar: No question about it, you need an open bar at your wedding. No bar = no fun = everyone hates you = you die alone and friendless. While I'm a big advocate of getting my friends and family hammered, it's an expensive endeavor. Remember that time you got bombed on Jager and bought everyone a round? Times that by 100. Yeah.
CostofWedding.com says:
$3,059-$5,098
The DJ: Any DJ who relies on the Chicken Dance and the Electric Slide should be taken out back and drowned in a puddle. I don't need Steve Aoki or Samantha Ronson to spin at my wedding, but I want someone who can effortlessly segue between Motown, classic rock, pop, the standards and R&B. I'm totally serious about that Chicken Dance thing, by the way. I fully plan on having a ClearChannel-esque Do Not Play list and God help the poor bastard if he ignores it. I'll stab him with the cake topper.
CostofWedding.com says:
$864-$1,436
The Rings: I don't need something from Tiffany's and I'm pretty sure Dan doesn't either.
CostofWedding.com says:
Bride: $1,367-$2,278
Groom: $1,098-$1,831
Total: $2,465 (if we went with the cheapest option)
Wardrobe: In a perfect world, this would be my wedding dress:
The wedding industrial complex is a money-hungry beast intent on devouring every last red cent you have...and unbelievably enough, people are more than willing to feed it.
There's the ceremony, the location for the reception, the caterer, the open bar, the DJ, the rings, the dress, the suit, the invitations, the flowers, the photographer, the favors and a litany of other things I'm sure I'm forgetting.
According to CostofWedding.com, the average price of a wedding in my zip code is between $39,164 and $65,274.
What. The. Fuck?
That's a salary. That's actually more than a salary to some people. And it all goes towards one day.
Wow...
So, let's do a line by line breakdown of how much it would cost for your neighborhood friendly blogger to get married, shall we?
Ceremony: Dan and I would actually save money here since we're planning a completely secular union. Not holding the ceremony in a church or paying a pandit to tell us when to walk around a fire = cash in pocket. Sweet. Of course, we might regret this decision when we're roasting in the fiery pits of hell or when we're reincarnated as tapeworms, but for right now -- we're golden.
Reception Location: Our biggest problem here is finding a convenient location for both his family (who live in Pennsylvania) and my family (who live in Florida). Initially, I thought Florida would work as a viable option because his family could come for the wedding and stay for the theme parks. However, once I realized how inconvenient (and expensive) it would be for me to tour the facility and meet with caterers, DJs and photographers - I put the kibosh on it. A good location is also pretty costly -- most I've seen start at $1000 and it's more if you want to get married on a weekend (which we do).
CostofWedding.com says:
$1,680-$2,800
Caterer: We need a caterer who cooks good vegetarian food. When half of your guests are vegetarians, a pasta and grilled veggie plate just isn't going to cut it. If I was definitely getting married in Philly, I would have Palace at the Ben cater the affair -- not only would they make the Indian contingent happy, but their rates are 50% less than most other caterers.
$65 a person (non-vegetarian catering) x 60 = $3,900
$25 a person (vegetarian) x 40 = $1000
Total: $4,900
Open Bar: No question about it, you need an open bar at your wedding. No bar = no fun = everyone hates you = you die alone and friendless. While I'm a big advocate of getting my friends and family hammered, it's an expensive endeavor. Remember that time you got bombed on Jager and bought everyone a round? Times that by 100. Yeah.
CostofWedding.com says:
$3,059-$5,098
The DJ: Any DJ who relies on the Chicken Dance and the Electric Slide should be taken out back and drowned in a puddle. I don't need Steve Aoki or Samantha Ronson to spin at my wedding, but I want someone who can effortlessly segue between Motown, classic rock, pop, the standards and R&B. I'm totally serious about that Chicken Dance thing, by the way. I fully plan on having a ClearChannel-esque Do Not Play list and God help the poor bastard if he ignores it. I'll stab him with the cake topper.
CostofWedding.com says:
$864-$1,436
The Rings: I don't need something from Tiffany's and I'm pretty sure Dan doesn't either.
CostofWedding.com says:
Bride: $1,367-$2,278
Groom: $1,098-$1,831
Total: $2,465 (if we went with the cheapest option)
Wardrobe: In a perfect world, this would be my wedding dress:
Unfortunately, this is the real world and in the real world, I am not BFF with John Galliano. Damn.
$395 for this dress
$350 for accessories (shoes and jewelry)
$400 for Dan's suit
$200 for accessories (tie, cufflinks, shoes)
Hair (according to CostofWedding): $102-$170
Make-Up: (according to CostofWedding): $81-$135
Manicure/Pedicure (according to CostofWedding): $66-110
Total: $1,594 (if we went with the cheapest options)
Invitations: I'm picky when it comes to typography and graphic design, so I want cool invitations. Not cardstock with garish Lucida text screaming at me. Two of the best ones I've seen online feature a pretzel twisted into the shape of a heart (so Philly) and one that resembles the tracklist of a mix-tape. Awesome and original. In addition to invitations, you also need place cards and thank you cards. Sorry, Rainforest.
CostofWedding says:
Invitations: $356-$594
Place Cards: $19.99 at moo.com
Thank You Cards: $98-$164
Total: $473.99 (if we went with the cheapest options)
Flowers: I'm not a flower person at all. I have a black thumb, not a green one and don't really see the point of having a bouquet. That nets us a saving of $196-$327 (and sidebar: for flowers?! Seriously?! They're going to die in less than 24 hours!)
Photographer: Another thing I'm picky about. I took a photography class in college and realized there's way more to it than pointing and shooting. It's incredibly technical and a good photographer is hard to find. Besides, if this is themostimportantdayofyourlife®, you probably want to be well-lit.
CostofWedding says:
$1,875-$3,124
Favors: We're doing mix CDs of music heard at the wedding as well as a few of our favorite tracks. Why? It's personal, cheap and honestly, no-one really cares about those crappy little candles.
100 Blank CDs: $30
100 CD Jewel Cases: $36.99
Total: $66.99
So, the grand total for our wedding so far:
Location: $1,680
Food: $4,900
Bar: $3,059
DJ: $864
Rings: $2,465
Wardrobe: $1,594
Invitations/Paper Goods: $473.99
Photographer: $1,875
Favors: $66.99
Grand Total: $16,977.98...and that's leaving a whole bunch of stuff out (gifts for the wedding party, save-the-date magnets, airfare if we hold the wedding in Florida...).
Seventeen thousand dollars.
The financial burden usually falls on the bride's family, but this bride-to-be? My parents are small business-owners in a lousy economy. They've got a mortgage and car payments like everyone else. You really think I'm going to ask them to pony up $17K? Come on, that's a dick move.
So, $17,000+. We could buy a new car, put some money down for a house, buy awesome new furniture, travel around Europe or we could have a wedding. I realize that when you get married, you get some of the money back but this isn't Goodfellas. We're not going be making $17K back. No way.
Do I want a wedding? Yes.
Can I afford one? No.
Life's tough. Get a helmet.
Fat Elvis impersonator, here we come....
$395 for this dress
$350 for accessories (shoes and jewelry)
$400 for Dan's suit
$200 for accessories (tie, cufflinks, shoes)
Hair (according to CostofWedding): $102-$170
Make-Up: (according to CostofWedding): $81-$135
Manicure/Pedicure (according to CostofWedding): $66-110
Total: $1,594 (if we went with the cheapest options)
Invitations: I'm picky when it comes to typography and graphic design, so I want cool invitations. Not cardstock with garish Lucida text screaming at me. Two of the best ones I've seen online feature a pretzel twisted into the shape of a heart (so Philly) and one that resembles the tracklist of a mix-tape. Awesome and original. In addition to invitations, you also need place cards and thank you cards. Sorry, Rainforest.
CostofWedding says:
Invitations: $356-$594
Place Cards: $19.99 at moo.com
Thank You Cards: $98-$164
Total: $473.99 (if we went with the cheapest options)
Flowers: I'm not a flower person at all. I have a black thumb, not a green one and don't really see the point of having a bouquet. That nets us a saving of $196-$327 (and sidebar: for flowers?! Seriously?! They're going to die in less than 24 hours!)
Photographer: Another thing I'm picky about. I took a photography class in college and realized there's way more to it than pointing and shooting. It's incredibly technical and a good photographer is hard to find. Besides, if this is themostimportantdayofyourlife®, you probably want to be well-lit.
CostofWedding says:
$1,875-$3,124
Favors: We're doing mix CDs of music heard at the wedding as well as a few of our favorite tracks. Why? It's personal, cheap and honestly, no-one really cares about those crappy little candles.
100 Blank CDs: $30
100 CD Jewel Cases: $36.99
Total: $66.99
So, the grand total for our wedding so far:
Location: $1,680
Food: $4,900
Bar: $3,059
DJ: $864
Rings: $2,465
Wardrobe: $1,594
Invitations/Paper Goods: $473.99
Photographer: $1,875
Favors: $66.99
Grand Total: $16,977.98...and that's leaving a whole bunch of stuff out (gifts for the wedding party, save-the-date magnets, airfare if we hold the wedding in Florida...).
Seventeen thousand dollars.
The financial burden usually falls on the bride's family, but this bride-to-be? My parents are small business-owners in a lousy economy. They've got a mortgage and car payments like everyone else. You really think I'm going to ask them to pony up $17K? Come on, that's a dick move.
So, $17,000+. We could buy a new car, put some money down for a house, buy awesome new furniture, travel around Europe or we could have a wedding. I realize that when you get married, you get some of the money back but this isn't Goodfellas. We're not going be making $17K back. No way.
Do I want a wedding? Yes.
Can I afford one? No.
Life's tough. Get a helmet.
Fat Elvis impersonator, here we come....
