Congratulations Jake and Steph!!

Jake and Steph
April 19th, 2008

May you be poor in misfortune, rich in blessings, slow to make enemies and quick to make friends. And may you know nothing but happiness from this day forward.

I can't think of two people more made for one another. Love you both. Congratulations!

The only proof she needed of the existence of God was music

And in that moment, we felt infinite....

OK, so I know you can't really feel 'infinite' and that Chobosky was merely grasping for a way to express the unabashed optimism and pure, unadulterated hope that suddenly ignites within you, but I get it. I've felt that way too. And every time I have, music was involved.

One of the things I remember most about West Palm is driving northbound on Jog late one night. Stars sprinkled like salt against a sapphire sky and Jimmy Eat World on the stereo. A Praise Chorus to be exact. Crimson and clover over and over and over and over. I don't know where I was going (based on geography, it must have been either downtown or to The Best Friend's place) and I have vague, hazy memories of my late teenage years in El Dub, but that one night is crystalline.

Flash forward a couple of years. I'm walking to my car after class. Past the fountain and past the construction trucks (We call it Under Construction Forever for a reason) when out of nowhere, the strains of My Girl by The Temptations fill the air. Clear and loud. Even though my love life at that time was lackluster to say the very least, I felt like I'd stumbled into some romantic comedy.

Cut to earlier this week. I'm driving to work, falling in love with blushing cherry blossoms and shocks of bright yellow and red tulips working their way out of the ground. Instead of listening to the inane morning DJ chatter, I pop in a CD I made for Dan (The Admiral Moneybags Mix -- a reference to Logan Echolls on Veronica Mars). A little Foo Fighters, a little Silverchair, a little Dashboard and then, this amazing twinkling piano punctuated by an urgent and persistent drone. The winding, one-lane backroads of suburban Philadelphia, Teenage Wristband by The Twilight Singers and the feeling that in that moment, I was infinite...

The Hills: Back To LA

You know, having a job really puts a serious dent in a girl's Hills blogging. I'm like, three weeks behind and have had to resort to watching the episodes online instead of on our seriously amazing television.



Yeah. It's pretty sweet.

However, this works out well for Milla Jovavich because now, I want to spend all my hard-earned ducats on her super-cute Target line.

A breakdown of the episode: Pratt-Daddy moved out of Casa Speidi and into Gatlin She-Pratt's digs, Whitney quit her job at Teen Vogue and got a job as a stylist with People's Revolution, Brody and Lauren get into a tiff because of he said/she said nonsense regarding significant others and Heidi's increasingly plastic facade continued to irritate me even further.

Let's talk about Miss Port's decision to leave Teen Vogue, shall we? Cherry position that hundreds would maim for, frequent trips to Paris, company perks like brushing shoulders with celebrities, the possibility of free couture and a paycheck?! I would do some incredibly shameful things to obtain a position like this and she's just letting it go to become a stylist at People's Revolution.

Speaking of clothing, Miss Montag debuted Heidiwood for clothing retailer, Anchor Blue. Like its namesake, the line is thoroughly mediocre, wildly unremarkable and slightly skanky.

And that brings us to this week's edition of You Look Like A Pratt! Usually, this section is dedicated to the overgrown Gerber Baby that is Spencer Pratt, but every now and then, Heidi steals the spotlight from him.



I would compare her to Barbie, but I think Barbie had slightly less plastic injected into her body. Miss Montag's sadness is about as genuine as that trout pout she's rocking.

If I awarded accolades for Most Annoying Moment, it would have been Heidi's half-wit story telling She-Pratt about the last time Speidi dined at Prana:

"When we were here, Spencer said he was going to get the Muscle Breakfast and I said, 'Why? Because you have no muscles?' and he said, 'Shut up.'

was the most stupid thing I have ever heard. If I had been in the vicinity and had overheard that crap, I would have grabbed the closest pot of hot coffee and flung it in her face. Oh and in case you're wondering, a Muscle Breakfast consists of egg whites, grilled chicken, fresh veggies, fruit and seven-grain toast.

How does She-Pratt have such a sweet apartment?!



When I was 22, I lived in a HUD housing development. That's a pretty way of saying I lived in the projects. I had a meth lab shut down three buildings away from me...and you know what? It was the best time of my life. God, I miss Lush Manor.
Quote of the Week: The honors go to Kelly Cutrone of People's Revolution. During their interview, she actually told Whitney, "You're basically making a deal with the devil." Is Whitney becoming a stylist or a drug mule?

However, Heidi comes in at a close second with, "It's not like we're broken up." Actually, Blondie -- you kind of are. I mean, I realize that when it comes to Pratt-Daddy, being a heinous bitch is de riguere, but when he moves out, takes all his shit with him and expresses a notion to date other women (who these women are, I have no idea. I mean, I'd rather shave my legs with a cheese grater than be in the same zip code as Admiral Asshole).

And to end on a good note:



Lo's back! She's the best friend any girl could ask for -- she's funny, she gives great advice and she's got great taste in clothes (and I'm sure she wouldn't mind sharing). How she doesn't have her own show on MTV is completely beyond me.

The Hills: Paris Changes Everything (Season 3 Premiere)

If you missed the show (like me), you can check it out at MTV.com.

The Hills is back and I've been suckered into it again. To make things even better, the premiere was an hour long, as opposed to the usual half-hour format. Awesome for me, seemingly endless torturous agony for Dan who was in the room while I was watching.

The episode rundown: Lauren and Whitney traipsed around Paris, played Teen Vogue go-fers, attended a debutante ball and hung out with dirty French rockstars, the brilliantly named Rock and Roll. Don't step in the irony. It's dripping all over the place.

Meanwhile stateside, Heidi spent some quality time at her parents' place in Colorado where Pratt-Daddy paid her 'surprise' visit and surprisingly, Heidi was remarkably catty to him the whole time. Good for Heidi...but she's still a complete idiot (more on that later). As for the final member of our fierce foursome, Audrina was nowhere to be seen.

Now, onto the show!

Usually I love Whitney's sartorial choices and think she's all sorts of sassy and fabulous, but that striped sock and shoe combo she was rocking? A little too Wicked Witch of the East for me. I spent the first five minutes of the episode worried that a house would come crashing down on her.

I really liked the 'You're Hearing' feature during the episode. Although, MTV lost serious points for the lack of consistency. I heard a clip of some Kanye track during the episode and it went unattributed. Come on, MTV. Step up your game a little.

Like a bad rash, She-Pratt returns! Stephanie is back and this time, she's armed. Unfortunately, the only weapons in her arsenal are bad eye-makeup, a thoroughly ridiculous facial expression and words of wisdom sheer incoherent idiocy for her brother.



One such example of She-Pratt's pithy philsophy? "You could think of everything you've done and do the opposite." With pearls like that, I'm surprised the Ivy League isn't on their hands and knees begging her to enroll in one of their institutions.

I would like to know what kind of moisturizer Whitney uses and sink my life-savings into this product. This is what Ms. Port looks like upon awakening:



It's not the best picture, but you get the point.

This leads me to two conclusions:
A) Our God is a vengeful and merciless God.
B) Whitney probably spent 45 minutes with a make-up artist and stylist before this scene was shot.

Stepping aside from The Hills for a second, can we please take a moment and talk about that God-awful Alicia Keys mini-soap that aired during the commercial break? What the hell was that?! Were the producers of that crap trying to out-insipid The Hills because if so, they succeeded in a huge way.

As ridiculous as She-Pratt's quote was, the Quote of the Week award goes to Whitney for sheer inanity. No, not the brilliant, "You love feathers....", but rather her keen observation -- "I'm sure Paris is full of guys cooler than Brody."

Yeah. And so is Three Mile Island. And the Arctic Circle. Ditto Chernobyl, Russia. It's not hard to be cooler than a man whose only claim to fame is nailing other pseudo-celebs, living off a trust fund and playing dress-up with your BFFE, Frankie.

And since we're kicking it old-school, it's time once again for You Look Like A Pratt! This week's epic aesthetic failure had nothing to do with the episode but was so God-awful that I just had to use it:



The 'I Am Not A Tool; I Am Not A Toolbox Or Even A Tool Shed. I Am The Entire Tool Section Of Every Sears Department Store In The Continental U.S.'

Now, usually I'm not an advocate of hunting for sport, but in this case? I think an exception can be made.

Speaking of scummy guys, let's meet Rock and Roll. They're unwashed, they're French and they're (hopefully) totally irrelevant.

Strike One: Paul the drummer's Flock of Seagulls hairdo. I realize he's a drummer and that everything everything old is new again, but not this. Never this. Ever. Homeboy needs to ditch the Aquanet post-haste.

Strike Two: Mattias. He looks like one of those creepy 42-year-olds that hang out in bars and scam on college girls, despite having every last one of their advances shot down.



Saving grace: The band has a designated tambourine player!

Lauren Pretty-In-Pinking her ball gown seemed like a disastrous idea from the get-go and then, when she burned it with her iron, my only thoughts were, "Cinderella, you're screwed."



But, this is not reality (despite what Whitney said during the episode). This is an amazing fantasy land where you can wreck a couture dress and then, poof! A new, even cuter one miraculously appears! The Hills are more magical than Hogwarts!



Despite my sniping, this season looks great -- Audrina and Heidi hanging out! She-Pratt realizing that hanging out with Lauren will increase her celebrity status way more than hanging out with her industrial-sized feminine hygiene product of a brother who stages photoshoots with his talentless girlfriend! A new puppy! Lo!

The Hills is back and that makes me feel how Lauren looks (damn it, she is adorable):

Can we go back to the days our love was strong?

Let's say my blog was your boyfriend. He'd be really cute. Kind of like Scott Wolf:



But lately, blog-boyfriend would be a bit of jerk. He wouldn't call nearly as much as he used to and he'd forget that Saturday night was date night and leave you alone in the restaurant, sobbing in your fifth glass of merlot.

BUT -- he's not a bad guy! No, blog-boyfriend has just been crazy busy lately with work and moving into his new place. He hasn't even had time to watch ESPN (and by ESPN, I mean the new season of The Hills, but I hear there is some serious drama brewing. Audrina and Heidi = BFF?! She-Pratt hanging out with Lauren?! Walter Tango Foxtrot, has the world gone mad??)

Anyway, blog-boyfriend still loves you. More than anyone in the world, babygirl. And to prove it to you, he comes bearing gifts...and afterwards, he promises to cuddle all night long.


Wild Horses (The Rolling Stones feat. The Black Crowes) -- I've got nineteen versions of it on my iTunes. Everything from the original to a UPenn acapella choir cover. In fact, this song is even going to be our first dance at the wedding. You'll be hard-pressed to find a mix I won't include it on.

Keep Fishing (Weezer) -- Rolling Stone Magazine called it a hard-rockin’ valentine. I’m inclined to agree. Besides, a video featuring the Muppets? This girl's in love. Question -- who is your favorite Muppet? I have two -- Gonzo and Pepe. Gonzo because he was so sweet and because I saw a lot of myself in him and Pepe because he's just flat out hilarious. Don't believe me? Check it out:



Whutchu Want (Nine) -- A hip hop gem begat to me by Willis begat to him by the man, the myth, the Brizz. I've been trying to figure out what this track interpolates for years now. Anyone out there know?

My Hero [Live] (The Foo Fighters) -- This song makes me wanna fling my boy shorts at Mr. Grohl and company. Hopefully, you’ll play it for someone and have the same sort of reaction.

Hold My Hand (New Found Glory) -- Coral Springs Easy Core at its finest. They put me in such a good mood, they remind me of a time when I wasn’t such totally old and lame and could actually handle being on the periphery of a moshpit. Now, not so much. Kids get all rowdy and I start looking for the nearest place I can get a ridiculously overpriced beer.

Proyecto Uno (El Tiburon) -- South Florida is sunshine and baked asphalt, Publix subs and sweet tea, flip-flops everywhere and meringue hip-hop blaring out of open car windows. I never really realized just how quiet my life is without it. Everytime I feel homesick, I pump up the volume on this track and pretty soon -- I'm back in SoFla again....even if it's 20 degrees and snowing outside.

Into The Groove (Madonna) -- While I'm not a fan of Madonna's latest incarnation (rhymes about soy lattes and Mini Coopers, odes to 16th century rabbis), I adore the old-school stuff. If you ever catch me dancing around in my underwear, odds are -- it'll probably be to an old-school Madonna track. (I'm just realizing that this is the second reference to underwear and music in this post. Hmmm...)

For The Mothers In Paradise, For The Fatherless in Ypsilanti (Sufjan Stevens) -- You think banjo and the Deliverance score starts playing in your head, but Sufjan Stevens takes the banjo away from its rural roots and make it sound heartwrenchingly pretty and hipster-approved. I discovered this song thanks to The O.C. and it's been a staple of my most-played list ever since.

Soft Serve (Soul Coughing) -- A funky groove and delicious lyrics. Straight men and gay women -- wouldn't you want to be with a girl who had a body like soft serve?

On Bended Knee (Boyz II Men) -- Because when you're sorry, I mean really sorry -- Boyz II Men know exactly how you feel. See? Oh and Lisa Turtle, why you gotta be such a biggedy-bitch? I mean, damn! You never treated Screech right and now you're busting Wanya Morris' balls too? When will it end?

That's some funky lemonade you got going there, babe

I know. I know. I've been Little Miss M.I.A. lately. Don't worry, though. I won't chungk-chungk-chungk and take your monayyyy.

I've been insanely busy lately. I know everyone says that and when you ask why, they tell you something lame, like they just got a goldfish or something, but the past 30 days really have been nuts.

To recap:

Dan and I went on our immigration interview, I got my employment authorization card, a new job and new digs (we're still in the process of moving in, so right now -- our decorating style can best be described as refugee camp chic). I celebrated my 25th birthday and Meme's bachelorette, my sister got into a bit of a rough car accident (she's fine, but if I ever meet the asshole who cut her off and caused the wreck? I'll snap him in two), I thought I saw Ron Livingston on the way to work (I didn't), Dan won $100 in the lottery and after fourteen years -- I finally got my green card!

Yeah. I think that's about it. So, see? Girl's been busy. However, to make up for my negligence -- I promise a blog post very, very soon filled with goodies (read: music).

Until then, be good!

LOST: The Other Woman

If you missed the episode, ABC.com is airing the episode for free in streaming HD.

Other cool links for you to check out?

+ Hi-res screencaps and reworked audio samples @ Lost Easter Eggs.
+ Let's Talk Lost @ Pop Candy
+ Jeff Jensen @ EW.com -- Never Ben Kissed

Now, let's get down on it.

I'm sure Michael Emerson is a very nice man, but if I ever saw him in public -- I would be absolutely terrified. This guy sells crazy better than anyone. Yes, that includes Courtney Love...although, I don't think it counts as selling crazy if you actually are guano crazy.

Anyway, Ben owned last night's episode and we got to see him as a very multi-faceted individual as opposed to the creepy bug-eyed master manipulator who has all the Losties feeling on edge. So, let's meet them, shall we?



There was Giddy Ben complete with date night playset (rack of lamb sold separately)

=

There was Possessive Lunatic Ben -- a fella fairly reminiscent of the Duke from Moulin Rouge ("I don't like people touching my things!!").

And then, there was Cocky Ben whose nonchalant delivery stole the show:

Locke: Do you have a plan?
Ben (nonchalant, not even really paying attention): Yeah. I always have a plan.

Ain't it the truth, Mr. Linus.

Basic Rundown of Events:

ON ISLAND: Charlotte and Faraday give Team Jack the slip as they head off into the jungle to find the Tempest. No, not the Shakespeare comedy but the station filled to the brim with a deadly gas that will kill everything on the Island if not vented correctly and made inert.

Jack and Juliet go after them and Juliet encounters a character from her past in the jungle. Amidst a torrential downpour and the omnipresent whispers, Harper appears. Who's Harper? Well, before Goodwin played Romeo to Juliet, he was married to Harper, a leonine woman who is also the Island therapist. In the words of Jet, she's a cold, hard bitch and makes no pretenses about it. Doc Harper tells Juliet that Ben wants her stop the Charlotte and Faraday. Then, as mysteriously as she appeared, she's gone. Another Dub Tee Eff moment bought to you by Lost.

In the jungle, the Freighter Twosome encounter Kate and she starts asking questions leading to Charlotte pistol-whipping Ms. Austen and knocking her out. Charlotte's gonna pay for that one. Trust me. Jack and Juliet find Kate in the jungle. The good doctor tends to her while Juliet disappears in search of Faraday and Charlotte.

Meanwhile in Locke-Land, Ben talks his way out of his holding cell and shows Locke a tape of Charles Widmore brutally beating one of Ben's 'people.' It's not Penny's boat, it's her father's...but we already kind of knew that, didn't we? Ben shows Locke the tape (recorded over a Red Sox game -- smart man. Boston teams can suck it long and hard) in an effort to:

A) convince Locke that the Freighter Folk aren't good Samaritans and that there's some seriously nefarious mojo afoot.

B) wrangle his way out of the holding cell and back to the warm and comfy barracks. Which he does (leading to a particularly funny moment when Ben tells the slack-jawed Hurley and Sawyer that he’ll see them at dinner).

Juliet finds the Freighter Twins at the Tempest and gets into a girl-fight with Charlotte while Daniel furiously pounds his...keyboard. Come on, guys. This is ABC, not Skin-E-Max.

Farraday succeeds in venting the gas correctly and the trio are met outside by Jack and Kate. Still sore about being donkey-punched in the head by a piece, Kate takes Charlotte aside, leaving Juliet and Jack alone. She tells him what an obsessive freak-show Ben is and how he won’t be pleased about their pseudo-relationship. Jack says he doesn’t care and they kiss. Because I’m awesome and kick it old-school, I imagined Charlie Salinger and Kristen Bennett smooching instead. God, I miss Party of Five.

Flashback: Juliet.

We learn more about everyone's favorite fertility doctor. She arrives on-Island and Ben’s instantly smitten. He arranges for her to live in a sweet house, he makes her dinner and he does that totally girlie ‘accidental’ finger brush move. But since Juliet looks like Juliet and Ben looks like Ben, she’s not having any of it. If this was high school, Ben would be the guy driving by Juliet's house a couple times a night, constantly calling her cell and making her mixtapes featuring I’ll Be Watching You by The Police. But, this is Wild Monkey Island, not Wild Monkey High so instead, Ben sends Goodwin off to his death and later, brings Juliet to see his decomposing body. It’s at this romantic spot that Ben tenderly tells Juliet that she’s his. And by tenderly, I mean he shouts, “You’re mine” in a manner that would terrify most anyone and lead to a pretty serious restraining order to be placed in effect.

Questions and Theories:

Widmore's not the big bad. Ben is. Showing Locke the tape of Charles Widmore getting his Gotti on is nothing more than a diversionary tactic. Widmore is a captain of industry and while those guys are undeniably detestable excuses for human beings, I’m pretty sure Widmore never gassed his colleagues and father.

How did Ben get a message out to Harper? Homeboy was locked up like Michael Vick.

On that note, how did Harper mysteriously appear and disappear? Is she dead? If so, how can Jack see her? Does she have anything to do with the whispers since they coincided with her arrival and finally, did anyone else think she looked like Jocelyn Wildenstein?

Next week – a heliocentric episode. Get it? ‘Cause it’s about Sun? Dude, whatever, dude. I’m awesome.

Lessons I've Learned In The Workplace

Don't forget your lunch. If you do, you will end up spending an astronomical amount of money on a coffee cup filled with mediocre fruit and a dinky bottle of grapefruit juice. Oh and the delivery guy will make fun of you for ordering such a wussy lunch.

Filing is God's punishment for those who have ever experienced a moment of happiness in their lives. Anyone who has ever enjoyed a cold beer on a hot day or celebrated when their team won or kissed someone or smiled? God will smite you by making you file.

There is no better feeling in the world than taking off your work clothes and putting on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt you've had since 1998.

When bursting out laughing, pick a better moment than when your supervisor is walking by. This wasn't my fault, though. Seriously. I emailed Dan to let him know that I had a shamrock sugar cookie for him ('cause I'm a good fiance and pass on all the baked goods that are given to me) and he responded with, "Mmmm....Irish weed cookie. Wait a minute...."

Working a nine-to-five will lead the creation of a tapeworm in your stomach. Seriously. I came home last night and ate grinder the size of a toddler. A grinder, in case you're unfamiliar with Philly vernacular, is a glorious sandwich filled with deliciousness and then, topped with cheese and broiled. Imagine Victoria's Secret models copulating with rockstars. Yeah. That's how good it is.

The last twenty minutes of every day are the longest of your life. Every infernal sixty second increment crawls by as slow as the express lane at the supermarket when an old lady decides to pay in pennies.

In other news:

Jill and Jaime's Birthday Bash Bonanza is happening this Saturday in Dub C. I don't know where we'll end up, but if you see a tipsy little brown girl around town, buy her another drink! She's cute, she's perky and she's almost 25!

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip makes me want to be a writer. No. Wait. Me being me makes me want to be a writer. Studio 60 just makes me jones for the writer's room even more.

I almost dislocated my neck on Wednesday because I thought I saw Ron Livingston on the road. My fantasy came crashing down around my ankles when I realized that:

A) Ron Livingston probably wouldn't be driving a silver Ford Focus.

B) Aside from the obvious 'coming to sweep me off my feet', there isn't really any reason for Livingston to be in the Philly suburbs.

I was heartbroken. Dan was not. You know, in some ways -- we are very different people.

I think I watch too much television...

Yesterday was a bit of a momentous occasion for me. I went to the bank to deposit my first ever paycheck.

I arrive at the bank at 12:31 on Saturday afternoon. It's closed. What kind of assery is this? I mean, did Wachovia decide that people don't need money on Saturday? 'Cause I'm pretty sure they do.

Anyway, I pull up to the bank drive-thru and basically super-extended every muscle in my body trying to type in my pin. Drive thrus of any design are not made for the short. Anyone who has ever seen me attempt to order a Frosty and fries at Wendy's can attest to this.

I punch all the appropriate buttons and finally, I'm ready to feed the machine. At the exact moment I realize I haven't filled out my information on my deposit slip, I push the final button to complete my transaction.

A deafening horn blares out and scares the hell out of me. WHONK! WHONK! WHONK! WHONK!

Holy shit. The Wachovia Drive-Thru is the Hatch.

=

My body goes into panic mode and I pretty much throw myself at the drive thru and attempt to punch in '4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42' so I don't cause some sort of bizarre electromagnetic anomaly and destroy the world.

Luckily, Dan maintains some semblance of sanity and pulls me back into the car. Very rationally, he explains that the world will not end if I don't put in my deposit slip in time, helps me fill out the necessary information and finally puts an end to the insane blaring (and then, he got me Chik-Fil-A 'cause he's my hero).

So Wachovia -- I have two suggestions for you:

1). Ixnay the crazy hours. I can understand being closed on Sunday, but dude? Saturday afternoon? Cut a girl a break.
2). No more siren at the drive-thru. If you're a sane and rational person, it's mildly irritating. If you're me, though? It'll make you think that you're part of a fictional television show and heavily underline the fact that you're nuts.

LOST: The Constant

I realize this is two days late and about a buck fifty short, but cut me a break. Girl's gotta earn those ducats.

Anyway, if you still haven't seen it, get to ABC.com right now and check it out.

Other cool links for you to check out?

+ Hi-res screencaps and reworked audio samples @ Lost Easter Eggs.
+ Let's Talk Lost @ Pop Candy
+ Jeff Jensen @ EW.com -- '96 Tears

Let's get to the meat behind the beat, shall we?

Flash: Desmond Hume.



Despite the fact that Desmond visits 1996, I wouldn't categorize this as a flashback. Much like the protagonist of Kurt Vonnegut's classic Slaughterhouse Five, Desmond is definitely unstuck in time.

Let's break it down:

Real Time: Frank Lapidus is flying the helicopter back to the freighter. He flies through a possibly electromagnetic thunderstorm, possibly deviating from the precise coordinates Farraday gave him (remember The Economist? Farraday was explicit in his instructions that Frank should not deviate from these coordinates at all) and Desmond starts experiencing flashes.

Flash!

1996: Desmond is back in the Royal Scottish Regiment...but he remembers being in the helicopter. What the hell is going on? Disoriented, he isn't as quick on his feet as the rest of his regiment and earns all the lads double time punishment.

Real Time: Desmond finds himself in the chopper again, obviously confused and completely unsure of who Sayid and Frank are. Did the conscience of Desmond circa 1996 get mixed-up with Desmond circa 2004? Frank lands the helicopter on the freighter and two crew members -- new characters known only as Omar and Keamy -- take Des to the ship's sick bay.

Flash!

1996: Desmond is back in Scotland, trying to figure out what the hell is going on. He talks to his buddy about experiencing seriously vivid dreams and his buddy asks if there's anyone in his dreams he remembers. Penny! Des runs over to the closest phone booth to call his ex, is pushed by a grudging grunt, drops his change and....

Flash!

Real Time: Omar and Keamy lock Desmond in the sick bay, he starts pounding on the door and is startled to discover there's someone else in the room. Someone else who is also experiencing the same time travel phenomena as him. Someone called George Minkowski. Ah ha! So, this is why Minkowski could never come to the phone! He's been strapped and drugged up in the sick bay.



Meanwhile, Sayid finally makes contact with Jack. Speaking via speaker phone, Sayid tells the Island-dwellers that Desmond has been acting odd. Farraday immediately asks is Desmond has experienced an intense dose of either radiation or electromagnetic energy (remember the fail-safe key in the Hatch?) and goes on to state that when leaving the island, people get a little disoriented....but Desmond is not experiencing amnesia.

In the sick bay, a creepy doctor visits Des and Minkowski. He proceeds to dose Minkowski with what appears to be a sedative and Mink is down for the count. When Desmond rears up and shouts, "You're not sticking me with that, brotha!", the doctor tells him to relax and that he only wants to examine his eyes.



As the light flashes, so does Des.

1996: Des comes to in a phone booth, clutching coins. He calls Penny, who in 1996, was mildly disgruntled to hear from the man who dumped her. She tells him that she moved and not to call again. Desmond starts to argue and...

Flash!

Real Time: Sayid brings the phone down to Desmond to talk to Farraday. The physicist asks Des what year it is (1996, according to Des) and where he's supposed to be (Camp Miller, Scotland). Farraday then instructs Des to take the train down to Queen's College in Oxford and talk to Farraday circa 1996. In order to ensure that 1996-era Farraday will take him seriously, 2004-era Farraday tells him to mention degrees and hertz of a certain machine as well as to say that he knows about Eloise. As Keamy and Omar burst into the sick bay to stop the call....

Flash!

1996: Des is on campus, searching for Farraday. He finds him and recites the information. I loved this part so much because it reminded me of Marty McFly telling Doc Brown how the Flux Capacitor came into being. A Back To The Future wink on Lost? I'm in love.



It is here we learn that Eloise is a rat that Farraday has been conducting time-travel experiments on via radiation. It is also here we learn that while Farraday protects his body by wearing a lead vest, he doesn't seem to protect his head.

Flash!

Real Time: Back in the bay, Minkowski wakes up and shares this vital tidbit of information -- as the ship's communications officer, he was under strict orders never to answer a certain line whenever it rang. And who was this unlucky caller, unable to reach out and touch someone? None other than the love of Des' life, Penny Widmore.

Flash!

1996: Des comes to in Farraday's lab and discovers two things -- a) he's been gone for 75 minutes and b) Eloise is dead. According to Farraday, flashing between times was too much for the rat to take and her brain short circuited. Desmond fears this will happen to him, but Farraday has an answer to that. As long as Desmond has a constant -- something or someone he cares about dearly in both times -- his brain should be OK. Hopefully. Des grabs a phone and calls Penny's number. It's been disconnected and....

Flash!

Real Time: Des tells Sayid that he must get in touch with Penny. Sayid doesn't really get this but is willing to help his friend. Two monkeys in the machine, though. 1) Someone sabotaged the communications room about two days before this conversation took place. To anyone else, this would be a problem but Sayid knows a thing or two about communications. 2) How do you get out of the locked sick bay? Well, that resolves itself fairly easily as well as someone ("a friend on the boat", according to Minkowski) has conveniently left the door open.

Flash!

1996: Desmond's nowhere to be seen but we do catch sight of Penelope's father, Mr. Charles Widmore at an auction. The item up for grabs? The journal of the first mate of The Black Rock. The seller? A gentleman known as Torvald Hanso. Who added the flour 'cause the plot just thickened?!

Yes...I should be openly mocked for that.

Anyway, Widmore wins the item by bidding $380,000 and after Desmond confronts him in the men's room (this isn't American politics, ladies and gents. Neither men have a 'wide stance.'), Mr. Widmore gives Penny's address to Desmond.

Flash!

Real Time: Sayid wants to know who's responsible for the damage in the communications room but Minkowski doesn't seem to know. He has a fit, starts bleeding from the nose, croaks, "I can't get back" and dies in Desmond's arms. Guess homeboy didn't have a constant. Sayid then notices that Desmond's nose is also bleeding. This can't be good....

Flash!

1996: Address in hand, Des goes to see Penny. She's not exactly thrilled to see him, but he begs for her number, insisting that he won't bother her and promising that the next time she hears from it, it will be in eight years (December 24, 2004). He pleads for her not to change her number and....

Flash!

Real Time: Sayid to the rescue. The communication lines have been fixed, but the battery's low. Des punches in Penny's number. It rings. It rings again. And again. And again.



She answers! They talk! She knows about the Island! She's been trying to find him for three years! They love each other! The battery dies and Des thanks Sayid, apparently able to remember everything and insisting that he is now, 'perfect.'

Meanwhile, on the Island, Farraday is riffling through his journal and stops at one specific page:



"If anything goes wrong, Desmond Hume will be my constant."

It was the best episode I've ever seen. In all four seasons, this was probably the most rewarding for me. High intensity and big-time emotional payoff in the way only Lost can provide. I care more about Desmond and Penny reuniting than I do about anything else in the show and I'm really hoping they do so by the end of the series. I know that Cuse and Lindelof like to throw curveballs, but Penny and Desmond have to get back together. They just have to.

Questions/Theories:

+ Why doesn't Island Farraday recognize Desmond when they first meet?

+ Why does Mr. Widmore bid an ungodly amount of money on a journal? I mean, I realize he's a wealthy white male and they've got money to burn...but this seems to have a little more depth than just a whimsical, extravagant purchase.

+ Why wasn't Minkowski allowed to answer calls from Penny? Who ordered this?

+ Michael is the man on the boat. I think he's working for Ben, but also wants to help out his friends. That's why he opened the door to the sick bay.

+ "Farraday can't even help himself." -- Does this mean that Farraday is also afflicted in the same way as Des and Minkowski?

+ Farraday never covered his head while performing experiments. Does he have some form of cancer? Is that why he needs a caretaker?

Can't wait until next week. Apparently, we get a peek into Juliet's past or future.

Tim's put my stapler inside a jelly again

I realize I've been Little Miss M.I.A. lately but lots has been going on lately, so let me fill you in:

+ I have a job. A real one involving clocking in, firewalls and more office supplies than you can shake a stick at...although why anyone would want to shake sticks at paper clips and Post-It notes is beyond me.

+ Dan and I got approved for the apartment so we'll finally have our own place! Our move-in date is March 15, so expect either a picture post or if you're one of those unlucky bastards with a truck -- a phone call asking for help.

+ My 25th birthday is coming up in about two weeks. I'm trying not to think about this too much.

+ My green card interview is tomorrow. Dan and I are trooping down to Philly with a bunch of paperwork, photographs and correspondence to prove that our relationship is on the up-and-up and convince the government to give a green card. If I was a cat, I'd have a very long tail and be in a room filled with rocking chairs. Wish me luck.

Oh, one thing I've discovered about this whole 9-5 (or, in my case -- 8 to 4:30) thing? You come home and you're ravenous. I mean, seriously. Lately, I've just wanted to shovel food into my mouth at an astonishing rate. Kinda feel like this guy:



That being said -- anyone down to go and get some burgers? Seriously -- I've got a jones.

LOST: Eggtown

A bit of an update, so grab a cold beverage and make yourself comfy.

The reason y'all didn't find a Lost recap this morning was because I got a job and unfortunately, it doesn't involve blogging about pop culture minutae. So, the recaps will be a day late (and possibly a buck short), but they'll be there.

Now, let's get to the creamy filling, shall we?

If you haven't seen the episode yet, stop reading this post and head on over to ABC.com where Eggtown is currently streaming in HD.

LINKS:

Hi-res screencaps and audio at Lost Easter Eggs
Whitney Matheson's Pop Candy Blog
Jeff Jensen @ EW.com -- The Trials of Kate

FLASHBACK: Kate Austen



Yeah, post-Island Kate cleans up pretty well. I couldn't even get mad at Dan for openly salivating.

OFF ISLAND:

+ Kate's on trial for arson, assault, fraud, murder and a whole mess of other things. Apparently, almost dying in a plane crash and spending months detained on Wild Monkey Island does not absolve you of your past crimes.

+ Her lawyer suggests bringing Kate's son to the stand to evoke the sympathies of the jury. Kate vehemently disagrees, so instead legal counsel calls Dr. Jack Shephard to the stand. Despite being under oath, Jack feeds the courtroom a pack of lies -- there were only eight survivors of flight 815 (I may have failed every math class I ever took, but even I know this doesn't add up), Kate was a cross between Florence Nightingale and Wonderwoman on the Island and the marshal accompanying Kate back to the States died in the crash. Kate cuts the testimony short and the prosecution gets one last question in -- does Jack love Kate? Jack responds with yet another lie -- he doesn't love Kate. Not anymore.

+ Kate's wheelchair-bound mother comes to visit her daughter. She wants to see her grandson before she dies and won't testify against Kate if she allows this. Kate refuses and surprisingly enough, her mother backs down and doesn't testify. Kate's punishment? Ten years probation in which she can't leave the state. She says that since she has a son, she wouldn't want to do this anyone.

+ Kate comes home (to a remarkably swanky pad. Did that Oceanic settlement kick in already?) to her son. A cute, tow-headed little boy.....named Aaron. That's right, Miss Austen is now Mama Austen to Claire's baby boy. Chew on that.

ON ISLAND:

+ Ben is locked up again...only this time, it's in the same basement that held Locke's father.

+ Miles convinces Kate to help him escape so he can question Ben. They get to Ben's basement (thanks to a little interference via Sawyer) and Miles gives us a little lesson in the nuances between blackmail and extortion by demanding Ben pay up to the tune of $3.2 million dollars. If he does so, Miles will tell his mysterious employer nothing of Ben's existence. This little act of rebellion causes Locke to banish Kate from Team Locke.

+ Kate and Sawyer spend the night together and in a move straight out of my adolescence, they don't end up doing the deed. The next morning, Sawyer expresses relief at the fact that Kate isn't pregnant and when she rebuffs his advances, he tells her that she'll come running back the next time Jack makes her mad. Kate belts him across the face and leaves.

+ Meanwhile, Locke graduates from merely crazy to batshit bananas. He serves up two very different meals for two very different men. Ben got the more classic breakfast option of melon and eggs while newcomer Miles got a spicier dish:



A grenade shoved straight into his mouth. Now that's a spicy meatball!

+ We learn the helicopter transporting Charlotte, Frank, Sayid and Desmond has yet to reach the freighter. More on that next week.

THEORIES:

Claire must be dead because there is no way she'd give up her son.

If Aaron is considered one of the infamous Oceanic Six, that means that Sun must be the last member of this ragtag bunch. Why? Because if she doesn't get off the island, both she and her unborn child will die.


QUESTIONS:

What the hell happened to Claire?

Is Aaron considered one of the Oceanic Six?

Why did Jack lie under oath and say there were only eight survivors from flight 815? I may have failed every math class I ever took, but even I know that doesn't add up.

$3.2 millions seems a bit arbitrary, don't you think? Why did Miles demand that specific amount?

* There are tons of other questions and theories but I watched the show last night at 1:30 a.m. and am currently running on five hours of sleep and no caffeine. A much more entertaining and thorough recap next week. Promise.

OTHER NEWS:

We might have found the perfect apartment. Cross your fingers, guys 'cause seriously? We're like five seconds from pulling a Jewel and living out of our cars.

Dan and I saw the Foo Fighters at the Spectrum last night. A two-hour juggernaut featuring the old stuff, the new stuff, Grohl screaming like a banshee on fire, an acoustic set, the best version of Everlong I've ever heard in my life, the prettiest version of Big Me I've ever heard in my life (featuring Jessy Greene on vocals), a song by drummer Taylor Hawkins, a triangle solo and the Foo Fighters giving the Spectrum the most shit-rockingly awesome goodbye anyone could ever give the venue with a balls-out version of Best of You. My only minor gripe? That My Hero wasn't played in all its electric glory. This girl loves the bombast and that the drums on this track feel like a herd of elephants stampeding through your central nervous system.

The opening acts were Against Me (who we missed because getting into Philly is like crossing a piranha-infested Amazonian lake only ten times more trecherous) and Serj Tankian of System of a Down who made oddball references to Borat and "Beethoven's cunt" and basically sounded just like every SoaD song I've ever heard.

All in all, an amazing show that just reiterated and inflamed my passion for the band and it's remarkably talented lead singer. Guitarist Christ Shiflett and Dave Grohl played duelling guitars for a bit and like I told Dan, if I had been wearing a skirt? Well, let's just say the band would have gotten a free pair of Aerie hipsters.

I might even end up a rock and roll god, it might turn into a steady job

Mama's got a brand new bag....and by bag, I mean job!

Thanks for all the good luck wishes and killer mojo, guys. I really appreciate it!

I start tomorrow -- wish me luck!

LOST: The Economist

If you haven't seen the episode yet, stop reading this post and head on over to ABC.com where The Economist is currently streaming in HD.

Vital Links:
Lost Easter Eggs for hi-res screen caps and video
Whitney Matheson's Pop Candy Lost Discussion Board
Jeff Jensen at EW.com.

Now, onto the show. Because Lost is just a touch more complex than The Hills, I've decided to split the recap up into sections. Hopefully, this will make things easier for the both of us.

Off Island: This week, we discover what happens to Sayid after he gets off Wild Monkey Island. Simply put? Dude becomes Jason Bourne.

=

Sayid ends up bouncing all over the world, capping asses and taking names. He eventually winds up in Berlin, Germany where he falls for a tall, reedy blonde named Elsa.

Red flag -- remember what happened the last time Mr. Jarrah hooked up with a tall blonde? She got shot in the abdomen and ended up dead. Well, you know what they say about history. Elsa (apparently a mercenary herself) shoots Sayid in the shoulder and then, meets the same unfortunate fate as Shannon.

Blonde women take note -- do not date Sayid Jarrah or O.J. Simpson. You will end up dead.

Filled with heartache and lead, Sayid stumbles to the nearest veterinarian for medical assistance. I guess mercenaries don't have a very good health plan. Waiting to stitch up his wounds and give Sayid his next assignment was none other than big bad Ben Linus. That's right -- the man who said he'd rather sell his soul than trust Ben is now working for him.

On Island: Sayid, Kate and Miles head to the barracks to bring Charlotte back to the Jack Pack. Meanwhile, Faraday acts on his instinct and sets up a little experiment. He calls Regina on the freighter and asks her to send over a small rocket to a beacon he has set up on the Island. She does so and oddly enough, the geographic arrival of the rocket does not coincide with the actual arrive. Stranger still? When the missile finally arrives, there is a 31-minute time difference between the clock on the rocket and the timer on the beacon. Weird....

Team Sayid arrive at the barracks to find Hurley bound, gagged and trapped in a closet. They rescue him and Hurley tells the trio that Locke was threatening Charlotte and when he spoke up against it, Locke shoved him in the closet and headed over to Ben's place in the barracks. Team Sayid head over to the ol' Linus place where Sayid discovers a hidden room behind a bookcase. The contents of this room? Clothing, stacks of international money and passports from every pretty much every country on earth.

What does that help reaffirm? That Ben's a liar and seems to have left the Island many, many times.

While Sayid's checking out the international room o' mystery, Kate peeking underneath Ben's bed when she sees a pair of feet enter the room. Sawyer's back and although he motions for Kate to be quiet, her first reaction is to scream for Sayid.

See, it turns out that this little visit to Ben's is actually a trap.

Hurley lied to Sayid and company on Locke's behalf. Team Locke shows up, armed and ready, and shuffles Sayid off to the Others' Game Room where Ben has already been secured. There, Sayid negotiates Charlotte's release, switching one Rescuer (Miles) for another (Charlotte) and telling Locke that he plans on infiltrating the freighter to determine the Rescuers' true motives. Sayid heads back to the chopper and we also learn that Kate is now playing for Team Locke (undoubtedly because of Sawyer).

The last shot we see is Sayid, Desmond, Captain Frank, Charlotte and Naomi's body leaving the Island via helicopter.

Questions:

Who is The Economist?

Is this why Hurley apologizes to Jack in the future? For scamming Sayid and Kate? After all, this act sends Freckles straight into Sawyer's loving arms, leaving Jack alone yet again.

Who is Mr. Avellino and why did he have to die? Fun fact, Tony Soprano's ancestors hail from the Italian town of Avellino.

How did Sayid go from completely distrusting Ben to working for him? Is Ben using Sayid to wipe out the remaining members of the DHARMA initiative?

Why is there a 31-minute difference between Freighter Time and Island Time and more importantly, how did Faraday know to check for it?

What's the deal with the bracelets? An indication that Naomi and Elsa were working for the same organization? And on a related note -- Who is R.G. and what is their connection to Naomi? Regina from the Freighter, perhaps?



A good episode filled with intrigue, but it raised so many more questions. I'm used to Lost leaving me with more questions than answers, but damn it! A girl's got limits to what she can take!

I'm really excited about next week, though. I hear we get a peek into the future of everyone's favorite fugitive (and the woman Dan step on me to get a look at), Miss Kate Austin.

Life is a series of hello and good-byes, I'm afraid it's time for good-bye.

Miami releases seven-time Pro Bowl linebacker, Zach Thomas.

I realize that the introduction of the Big Tuna means sweeping reforms in Miami, but why did he have release Zach? He was the heart of our team. Our bulldog...and now he's gone.

So far, the Big Tuna era ain't making me happy. We'll see how this goes...

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

When I saw that iconic silhouette and heard that incredible score again, I swear I got goosebumps. I can't wait until this movie comes out.

I Choo-Choo Choose You

After spending two and a half hours rummaging through the greeting card racks at Target and Hallmark, I came to a simple conclusion -- Valentine's Day cards for men suck.

They're schlocky, contrived, ostentatious and last time I checked, men don't really give a shit about pink glitter or black-and-white images of kissing strangers.

That's why I made Dan his Valentine -- A piece of posterboard, a whole mess of construction paper and glue, the requisite sweet, punny Valentine and a far-from-complete litany of reasons why I love the guy so much.




Yes, there's something very elementary-school about making a valentine but I think I'm short enough to get away with it.

So, that's my valentine for Dan and here's my valentine for you. I've always believed that music ≥ love. That notes, chords and melodies can alternately break and heal a heart. That being said, here is a collection of tracks about love that I love. I hope you dig 'em too.

Fourteen For The Fourteenth

1. Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop -- Landon Pigg -- Also known as the song from the diamond commercial. It's lo-fi, very sweet and I don't know a girl who could resist being told that someone is falling in love with her.
2. So In Love -- Curtis Mayfield -- A little 70's soul does a body good...and does two bodies even better.
3. Virginia Moon -- Foo Fighters feat. Norah Jones -- Dave Grohl writes the prettiest ballads and this song is no exception. Sweet and remarkably sexy...but I'd expect nothing less.
4. Paperweight -- Joshua Radin feat. Schuyler Fisk -- Another sweet, lo-fi song about being happy to be in love. That's my favorite part, I think. Just hanging out in bed on the weekends and not wanting anything more in the world.
5. Broken -- Jack Johnson -- Another weekend morning track. A little Jack Johnson, some coffee and pancakes and sunshine streaming in through the window. It's pretty perfect.
6. Diamond Ring -- The Black Crowes -- One of my favorites from the Black Crowes. It captures the euphoria of being in love and that moment when you know you're ready to say, 'I do.'
7. All Day Love Affair -- Cee-Lo -- As you can probably tell by now, I'm not about the sweeping grandiosity of love. I dig the everyday stuff. Like the Soul Machine says, "Nothing compares to waking up this morning to you."
8. The Good Witch of the North -- Everclear -- What's got two thumbs and is a sucker for both Everclear and The Wizard of Oz? This girl. This track gets me every time. Especially the last lines.
9. As You Sleep -- Something Corporate -- When Dan and I were doing the long distance thing, I listened to this song ad infinitum. I remember never wanting to sleep because I considered it time wasted. Now, though? I think I have low-grade narcolepsy. If I'm warm and comfortable and Dan's next to me? Out like a light.
10. Not Fire, Not Ice -- Ben Harper -- Like Harper says, true love is sacrifice and probably the most worthy one you can make.
11. Love You 'Til The End -- The Pogues -- Fun fact about The Pogues? They were originally called Pogue Mahone -- the Anglicization of the Irish póg mo thóin, meaning "kiss my arse." And who says love is dead?
12. Two of Us -- The Beatles -- All love songs don't have to be epic paeans. Sometimes, sweet simplicity will do.
13. Here's Everything I've Always Meant To Say -- Jamison Parker -- I've been called 'cute' my whole life. In fact, think of any adjective you'd assign to a Labrador Retriever and odds are, I've been referred to as such. Then, I met Dan and he called me beautiful and he meant it and more so, I felt it.
14. Wild Horses (Live) -- The Rolling Stones feat. Dave Matthews -- And what would Valentine's Day be without Wild Horses?

When I first discovered this song, I developed a theory to go with it. I call it Aural Custody.

See, when you start dating someone, you invariable have 'your song' and every time you hear it, you get a little misty. But then, catastrophe strikes and you break up! Now, you're stuck with hating a song you once loved because it reminds you too much of your jerk-ass ex.

Luckily, my first ex boyfriend decided that our song should be All My Life by K-Ci and Jojo, so no great loss there.

But then, the dude I dated after that? Our song was I'll Be There For You/ You're All I Need To Get By by Method Man and Mary J. Blige which is actually a really good track. I mean, Marvin Gaye/Tami Terrell interpolation and sick production courtesy of The RZA -- what's not to like? Anyway, after we broke up, I could no longer appreciate this track without thinking of Admiral Dickface and that pissed me off. This is a great song. Why should I have to give it up because of some asshole?

So, I came up with aural custody and the musical pyramid. This way should the worst happen, you don't end up hating a piece of music you really loved.

Yes, I am fully aware that I probably love music more than I love people and I'm OK with that. Like Sapphire said, "They don't even know what it is to be a fan. Y'know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts."

Anyway, back to the pyramid:

You start off at the base with some generic love song. Something sweet but relatively harmless. A nice little Dave Matthews track. Crash Into Me, perhaps. Sweet enough that you smile when you hear it, but innocuous enough that you won't have a meltdown in the produce section of the grocery store.

Then, Phase Two -- a little more personal but fairly generic. Glycerine by Bush, maybe? Or Stellar by Incubus (P.S. -- Happy Valentine's Day, ladies and gay gentlemen. The shirtless rockstars are for you).

Phase Three -- More personal, less generic. You're getting serious...but not serious enough to give this person custody of your favorite song. Not yet, anyway. Joshua Radin's cover of Only You is a good choice as is Walking After You by the Foo Fighters.

and finally, Phase Four -- the top of the pyramid. If this was A Link To The Past, you'd be gearing up for a boss battle with Ganon, but you're doing something far more dangerous. You are willing giving custody of something you love to someone else. At this point, you trust them with your heart and more importantly, with your favorite song be it Wild Horses, an Elliot Smith b-side or a Billie Holiday gem.

Happy Valentine's Day, guys! Make it a great one!

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.

One of the reasons I love these guys so much is that whenever the question, "Are you hungry?" is posed -- the answer is always, "I could eat."

I love people who love food. People who make semi-orgasmic noises when falling all over a big sandwich. People who lick their fingers with shameless abandon when they're eating ribs or chicken or anything remotely messy. People who are well acquainted with condiments and fiercely defend their love of Frank's Red Hot or Sriracha. People who understand that dinner can last three hours easily.

That being said -- any recommendations where this girl can go to dinner on her birthday?

Two rules:

A) Must be within a 15 mile radius of West Chester, PA
B) Must have a full bar or failing that, a kickass margarita selection.

I mean, I'm going to be 25. If that doesn't justify at least one good, stiff drink, I don't know what does.

Here lies Jaime. She had one love and lots 'o shoes!

I got my shoes for Meme's wedding and they are fabulous.



They're pink, they make me feel tall and pretty and they go perfectly with my favorite black pants.

I love them. I want to run away to Malibu with them. I want to have a pre-breakup Rachel McAdams/Ryan Gosling love affair with them....

What? I really like my new shoes. They're cute.

On a related note, I totally want to watch The Notebook.



I blame the heart-shaped candy. I bought some for Dan, I had one piece today and now, I'm all nuts.

LOST: Confirmed Dead

If you haven't seen the episode yet, stop reading this post and head on over to ABC.com where Confirmed Dead is currently streaming in HD.

Want more information? Check out Lost Easter Eggs for hi-res screen caps and video, Whitney Matheson's Pop Candy Lost Discussion Board for a lively and animated debate on last night's episode and finally, to read a far better recap than mine, check out the fantastic Jeff Jensen at EW.com.

Now, that we've got all that out of the way -- let's talk Lost.

Episode two wasn't nearly as adrenaline-packed as the premiere but necessary in story building. I think this is why people get frustrated with the show. They want constant, heart-pumping action but none of the block building that comes with good storytelling. Look, if you want high-octane explosions and little else, check out a Michael Bay flick. If you want the most intelligent, incisive and cerebral show on television, stick with Lost.

This episode featured flashbacks of the rescuers and explained how this motley crew came together and landed on Wild Monkey Island. So, let's get accquainted with the rescuers, yes?

Dan Faraday -- Physicist and possible head-case. Started weeping uncontrollably when he learned that flight 815 had been found and couldn't answer why. Commented that sunlight doesn't scatter the way it should on the Island. His name is based on English physicist Michael Faraday who researched electromagneticism.

Miles Straume -- Spiritualist (one part Ghostbuster, one part Cole Sear). Simply put, homeboy communicates with dead people. Socially awkward and generally angry. Confirms that the Rescuers have arrived on the island seeking Ben. His name is a play on the word 'Maelstrom' -- a swirling mass of water.

Charlotte Staples Lewis -- English anthropologist. Discovers a polar bear wearing a Dharma Hydra collar in Medenine, Tunisia. Her name is based on English writer and scholar Clive Staples Lewis, more commonly known as C.S. Lewis -- author of The Chronicles of Narnia series.

Frank Lapidus -- Pilot. Was supposed to be on flight 815. Calls Oceanic Air hotline to state that pilot Seth Norris has been incorrectly identified. Claims to have memorized the entire flight manifest. Possibly a drunk (according to Naomi).

These four, along with Naomi, were assembled by Matthew Abbadon for very specific reasons that he doesn't reveal. When Naomi asks what to do if she encounters any survivors of flight 815, Abbadon forcefully and repeatedly insists that there were no survivors. Hmmm....

Now that we're all friends, let's move on.

News reports show that the wreckage of flight 815 have been found in the Sunda Trench (northeastern Indian Ocean near Bali). According to the report, there are no survivors but we know better.

The rescuers parachute out of the helicopter and land in various locations on the island. Faraday first makes contact with Jack and Kate and the trio go on a mini-mission to find the rest of the rescuers. They encounter Miles on the rocky area where Kelvin died and he reveals that Naomi's last words ('Tell my sister I love her') were actually a distress code meaning someone was holding a gun to her head. Kate tells Miles that Locke was responsible for Naomi's death and the group troops back to the body where Miles performs some spooky whispering mojo and confirms that Kate is telling the truth.

Charlotte's tracking signal starts beeping and the group start heading towards....but out come Sayid and Juliet, guns a'blazing! They disarm the rescuers and head in the direction of the tracking signal. Sayid grabs Miles' phone and sees Charlotte's signal. It's moving. Fast. The group runs toward the signal and they discover that Charlotte's GPS has been tied around Vincent's neck. It is then that Jack realizes that Locke has Charlotte.

Meanwhile, after safely landing the helicopter, Frank pulls himself out of some bushes to realize he's been watched by a cow. He tries to stand, but his legs don't work, so he fires a flare. Locke and Company see the signal and Charlotte starts to move towards it. Locke attempts to stop her and before he can do anything else, Ben shoots Charlotte twice in the chest. Let me reiterate -- Ben fucking caps Charlotte in the chest. Cold blooded, but do we expect anything less from Mr. Linus? Sawyer beats the shit of Ben but then we realize that thanks to a bulletproof vest, Miss Lewis is still alive.

Jack and Company also see the flare and head on over to Frank. Sayid inspects the helicopter while Juliet tends to Frank's head wound. Frank asks Juliet's name and having memorized the plane's manifest, realizes that Juliet wasn't on the plane and is actually an Island 'native.' Miles freaks out and starts asking where 'he' is.

The he in question?



Why, who else but Mr. Benjamin Linus.

Miles pulls out a photograph and states that the rescuers are actually on the Island to find Ben.

While this is going down, Locke's got a gun to Ben (despite protests from Alex and Claire) and intends on shooting him, but Ben tells Locke that he's got the key to a plethora of secrets. Locke asks what the smoke monster is and Ben replies that he doesn't know. Instead, he starts reciting personal information about Charlotte -- full name, birthplace, family. When asked how he knows this, Ben simply says that he's got a man on the boat.

Onto my favorite part -- Theories:

+ Faraday tells Jack and Kate that rescuing suvivors isn't their primary mission. So, what is? I'm thinking the true mission is to confirm the dead of the Dharma Initiative and bring Ben to justice as he was responsible for the Purge.

+ The rescuers brought gas masks and the biohazard suits to avoid contact with The Virus -- remember that? The nasty little bug that Rousseau's crew apparently got when they landed on the Island?

+ Michael is Ben's 'Man on the Boat.' Remember, Ben let Michael go, so maybe they cut a deal? Ben lets Michael and Walt go free, but not before Michael does a little work for him.

And it just wouldn't be Lost if I didn't have a cavalcade of Questions:

+ Whose body was found in the Sunda Trench and why was it identified as Seth Norris? Norris was the Smoke Monster's first casualty and couldn't have been underwater.

+ Bigger question -- where the hell did this wreckage come from? The plane broke up over the Island. The cockpit ended up in the jungle? How did 815 end up buried in a trench?

+ How did a Dharma polar bear get to Tunisia?

+ What was Miles using in the bedroom while Ghostbusting? It didn't look anything like a Proton Pack.

+ Why did Daniel start weeping uncontrollably when he learned that flight 815 had been found?

+ What the hell is the Smoke Monster?

All in all, good episode and I can't wait until next week.

What did you think of the episode? Any theories? Any questions I missed? Let me know!

P.S. -- I told Dan about trying to Jedi Mind Trick a Diet Coke all day and when he got home last night, he asked me to do it again. Five seconds later, Diet Coke appears on the kitchen counter! This leads me to believe one of two things -- either the Force is strong in me or Dan is just remarkably thoughtful. Either way, I'm happy.