I Choo-Choo Choose You

After spending two and a half hours rummaging through the greeting card racks at Target and Hallmark, I came to a simple conclusion -- Valentine's Day cards for men suck.

They're schlocky, contrived, ostentatious and last time I checked, men don't really give a shit about pink glitter or black-and-white images of kissing strangers.

That's why I made Dan his Valentine -- A piece of posterboard, a whole mess of construction paper and glue, the requisite sweet, punny Valentine and a far-from-complete litany of reasons why I love the guy so much.




Yes, there's something very elementary-school about making a valentine but I think I'm short enough to get away with it.

So, that's my valentine for Dan and here's my valentine for you. I've always believed that music ≥ love. That notes, chords and melodies can alternately break and heal a heart. That being said, here is a collection of tracks about love that I love. I hope you dig 'em too.

Fourteen For The Fourteenth

1. Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop -- Landon Pigg -- Also known as the song from the diamond commercial. It's lo-fi, very sweet and I don't know a girl who could resist being told that someone is falling in love with her.
2. So In Love -- Curtis Mayfield -- A little 70's soul does a body good...and does two bodies even better.
3. Virginia Moon -- Foo Fighters feat. Norah Jones -- Dave Grohl writes the prettiest ballads and this song is no exception. Sweet and remarkably sexy...but I'd expect nothing less.
4. Paperweight -- Joshua Radin feat. Schuyler Fisk -- Another sweet, lo-fi song about being happy to be in love. That's my favorite part, I think. Just hanging out in bed on the weekends and not wanting anything more in the world.
5. Broken -- Jack Johnson -- Another weekend morning track. A little Jack Johnson, some coffee and pancakes and sunshine streaming in through the window. It's pretty perfect.
6. Diamond Ring -- The Black Crowes -- One of my favorites from the Black Crowes. It captures the euphoria of being in love and that moment when you know you're ready to say, 'I do.'
7. All Day Love Affair -- Cee-Lo -- As you can probably tell by now, I'm not about the sweeping grandiosity of love. I dig the everyday stuff. Like the Soul Machine says, "Nothing compares to waking up this morning to you."
8. The Good Witch of the North -- Everclear -- What's got two thumbs and is a sucker for both Everclear and The Wizard of Oz? This girl. This track gets me every time. Especially the last lines.
9. As You Sleep -- Something Corporate -- When Dan and I were doing the long distance thing, I listened to this song ad infinitum. I remember never wanting to sleep because I considered it time wasted. Now, though? I think I have low-grade narcolepsy. If I'm warm and comfortable and Dan's next to me? Out like a light.
10. Not Fire, Not Ice -- Ben Harper -- Like Harper says, true love is sacrifice and probably the most worthy one you can make.
11. Love You 'Til The End -- The Pogues -- Fun fact about The Pogues? They were originally called Pogue Mahone -- the Anglicization of the Irish póg mo thóin, meaning "kiss my arse." And who says love is dead?
12. Two of Us -- The Beatles -- All love songs don't have to be epic paeans. Sometimes, sweet simplicity will do.
13. Here's Everything I've Always Meant To Say -- Jamison Parker -- I've been called 'cute' my whole life. In fact, think of any adjective you'd assign to a Labrador Retriever and odds are, I've been referred to as such. Then, I met Dan and he called me beautiful and he meant it and more so, I felt it.
14. Wild Horses (Live) -- The Rolling Stones feat. Dave Matthews -- And what would Valentine's Day be without Wild Horses?

When I first discovered this song, I developed a theory to go with it. I call it Aural Custody.

See, when you start dating someone, you invariable have 'your song' and every time you hear it, you get a little misty. But then, catastrophe strikes and you break up! Now, you're stuck with hating a song you once loved because it reminds you too much of your jerk-ass ex.

Luckily, my first ex boyfriend decided that our song should be All My Life by K-Ci and Jojo, so no great loss there.

But then, the dude I dated after that? Our song was I'll Be There For You/ You're All I Need To Get By by Method Man and Mary J. Blige which is actually a really good track. I mean, Marvin Gaye/Tami Terrell interpolation and sick production courtesy of The RZA -- what's not to like? Anyway, after we broke up, I could no longer appreciate this track without thinking of Admiral Dickface and that pissed me off. This is a great song. Why should I have to give it up because of some asshole?

So, I came up with aural custody and the musical pyramid. This way should the worst happen, you don't end up hating a piece of music you really loved.

Yes, I am fully aware that I probably love music more than I love people and I'm OK with that. Like Sapphire said, "They don't even know what it is to be a fan. Y'know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts."

Anyway, back to the pyramid:

You start off at the base with some generic love song. Something sweet but relatively harmless. A nice little Dave Matthews track. Crash Into Me, perhaps. Sweet enough that you smile when you hear it, but innocuous enough that you won't have a meltdown in the produce section of the grocery store.

Then, Phase Two -- a little more personal but fairly generic. Glycerine by Bush, maybe? Or Stellar by Incubus (P.S. -- Happy Valentine's Day, ladies and gay gentlemen. The shirtless rockstars are for you).

Phase Three -- More personal, less generic. You're getting serious...but not serious enough to give this person custody of your favorite song. Not yet, anyway. Joshua Radin's cover of Only You is a good choice as is Walking After You by the Foo Fighters.

and finally, Phase Four -- the top of the pyramid. If this was A Link To The Past, you'd be gearing up for a boss battle with Ganon, but you're doing something far more dangerous. You are willing giving custody of something you love to someone else. At this point, you trust them with your heart and more importantly, with your favorite song be it Wild Horses, an Elliot Smith b-side or a Billie Holiday gem.

Happy Valentine's Day, guys! Make it a great one!

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.

One of the reasons I love these guys so much is that whenever the question, "Are you hungry?" is posed -- the answer is always, "I could eat."

I love people who love food. People who make semi-orgasmic noises when falling all over a big sandwich. People who lick their fingers with shameless abandon when they're eating ribs or chicken or anything remotely messy. People who are well acquainted with condiments and fiercely defend their love of Frank's Red Hot or Sriracha. People who understand that dinner can last three hours easily.

That being said -- any recommendations where this girl can go to dinner on her birthday?

Two rules:

A) Must be within a 15 mile radius of West Chester, PA
B) Must have a full bar or failing that, a kickass margarita selection.

I mean, I'm going to be 25. If that doesn't justify at least one good, stiff drink, I don't know what does.

Here lies Jaime. She had one love and lots 'o shoes!

I got my shoes for Meme's wedding and they are fabulous.



They're pink, they make me feel tall and pretty and they go perfectly with my favorite black pants.

I love them. I want to run away to Malibu with them. I want to have a pre-breakup Rachel McAdams/Ryan Gosling love affair with them....

What? I really like my new shoes. They're cute.

On a related note, I totally want to watch The Notebook.



I blame the heart-shaped candy. I bought some for Dan, I had one piece today and now, I'm all nuts.

LOST: Confirmed Dead

If you haven't seen the episode yet, stop reading this post and head on over to ABC.com where Confirmed Dead is currently streaming in HD.

Want more information? Check out Lost Easter Eggs for hi-res screen caps and video, Whitney Matheson's Pop Candy Lost Discussion Board for a lively and animated debate on last night's episode and finally, to read a far better recap than mine, check out the fantastic Jeff Jensen at EW.com.

Now, that we've got all that out of the way -- let's talk Lost.

Episode two wasn't nearly as adrenaline-packed as the premiere but necessary in story building. I think this is why people get frustrated with the show. They want constant, heart-pumping action but none of the block building that comes with good storytelling. Look, if you want high-octane explosions and little else, check out a Michael Bay flick. If you want the most intelligent, incisive and cerebral show on television, stick with Lost.

This episode featured flashbacks of the rescuers and explained how this motley crew came together and landed on Wild Monkey Island. So, let's get accquainted with the rescuers, yes?

Dan Faraday -- Physicist and possible head-case. Started weeping uncontrollably when he learned that flight 815 had been found and couldn't answer why. Commented that sunlight doesn't scatter the way it should on the Island. His name is based on English physicist Michael Faraday who researched electromagneticism.

Miles Straume -- Spiritualist (one part Ghostbuster, one part Cole Sear). Simply put, homeboy communicates with dead people. Socially awkward and generally angry. Confirms that the Rescuers have arrived on the island seeking Ben. His name is a play on the word 'Maelstrom' -- a swirling mass of water.

Charlotte Staples Lewis -- English anthropologist. Discovers a polar bear wearing a Dharma Hydra collar in Medenine, Tunisia. Her name is based on English writer and scholar Clive Staples Lewis, more commonly known as C.S. Lewis -- author of The Chronicles of Narnia series.

Frank Lapidus -- Pilot. Was supposed to be on flight 815. Calls Oceanic Air hotline to state that pilot Seth Norris has been incorrectly identified. Claims to have memorized the entire flight manifest. Possibly a drunk (according to Naomi).

These four, along with Naomi, were assembled by Matthew Abbadon for very specific reasons that he doesn't reveal. When Naomi asks what to do if she encounters any survivors of flight 815, Abbadon forcefully and repeatedly insists that there were no survivors. Hmmm....

Now that we're all friends, let's move on.

News reports show that the wreckage of flight 815 have been found in the Sunda Trench (northeastern Indian Ocean near Bali). According to the report, there are no survivors but we know better.

The rescuers parachute out of the helicopter and land in various locations on the island. Faraday first makes contact with Jack and Kate and the trio go on a mini-mission to find the rest of the rescuers. They encounter Miles on the rocky area where Kelvin died and he reveals that Naomi's last words ('Tell my sister I love her') were actually a distress code meaning someone was holding a gun to her head. Kate tells Miles that Locke was responsible for Naomi's death and the group troops back to the body where Miles performs some spooky whispering mojo and confirms that Kate is telling the truth.

Charlotte's tracking signal starts beeping and the group start heading towards....but out come Sayid and Juliet, guns a'blazing! They disarm the rescuers and head in the direction of the tracking signal. Sayid grabs Miles' phone and sees Charlotte's signal. It's moving. Fast. The group runs toward the signal and they discover that Charlotte's GPS has been tied around Vincent's neck. It is then that Jack realizes that Locke has Charlotte.

Meanwhile, after safely landing the helicopter, Frank pulls himself out of some bushes to realize he's been watched by a cow. He tries to stand, but his legs don't work, so he fires a flare. Locke and Company see the signal and Charlotte starts to move towards it. Locke attempts to stop her and before he can do anything else, Ben shoots Charlotte twice in the chest. Let me reiterate -- Ben fucking caps Charlotte in the chest. Cold blooded, but do we expect anything less from Mr. Linus? Sawyer beats the shit of Ben but then we realize that thanks to a bulletproof vest, Miss Lewis is still alive.

Jack and Company also see the flare and head on over to Frank. Sayid inspects the helicopter while Juliet tends to Frank's head wound. Frank asks Juliet's name and having memorized the plane's manifest, realizes that Juliet wasn't on the plane and is actually an Island 'native.' Miles freaks out and starts asking where 'he' is.

The he in question?



Why, who else but Mr. Benjamin Linus.

Miles pulls out a photograph and states that the rescuers are actually on the Island to find Ben.

While this is going down, Locke's got a gun to Ben (despite protests from Alex and Claire) and intends on shooting him, but Ben tells Locke that he's got the key to a plethora of secrets. Locke asks what the smoke monster is and Ben replies that he doesn't know. Instead, he starts reciting personal information about Charlotte -- full name, birthplace, family. When asked how he knows this, Ben simply says that he's got a man on the boat.

Onto my favorite part -- Theories:

+ Faraday tells Jack and Kate that rescuing suvivors isn't their primary mission. So, what is? I'm thinking the true mission is to confirm the dead of the Dharma Initiative and bring Ben to justice as he was responsible for the Purge.

+ The rescuers brought gas masks and the biohazard suits to avoid contact with The Virus -- remember that? The nasty little bug that Rousseau's crew apparently got when they landed on the Island?

+ Michael is Ben's 'Man on the Boat.' Remember, Ben let Michael go, so maybe they cut a deal? Ben lets Michael and Walt go free, but not before Michael does a little work for him.

And it just wouldn't be Lost if I didn't have a cavalcade of Questions:

+ Whose body was found in the Sunda Trench and why was it identified as Seth Norris? Norris was the Smoke Monster's first casualty and couldn't have been underwater.

+ Bigger question -- where the hell did this wreckage come from? The plane broke up over the Island. The cockpit ended up in the jungle? How did 815 end up buried in a trench?

+ How did a Dharma polar bear get to Tunisia?

+ What was Miles using in the bedroom while Ghostbusting? It didn't look anything like a Proton Pack.

+ Why did Daniel start weeping uncontrollably when he learned that flight 815 had been found?

+ What the hell is the Smoke Monster?

All in all, good episode and I can't wait until next week.

What did you think of the episode? Any theories? Any questions I missed? Let me know!

P.S. -- I told Dan about trying to Jedi Mind Trick a Diet Coke all day and when he got home last night, he asked me to do it again. Five seconds later, Diet Coke appears on the kitchen counter! This leads me to believe one of two things -- either the Force is strong in me or Dan is just remarkably thoughtful. Either way, I'm happy.

I swear to God, this mix could sink the sun

As mentioned earlier, we're keeping Valentine's Day a fairly lo-fi affair this year, but I'm keeping with our tradition of the Valentine Mix CD.

Only, there's a slight monkey in the machine.

I can't think of what to put on it.

Since we've been together, we've made each other approximately 40 mix CDs. Let's assume each CD contains 16 tracks. 16 x 40 = 640 songs.

640 really good, really thoughtful tracks -- Wild Horses by the Rolling Stones, Sing by Travis, This Old Heart of Mine by the Isley Brothers, Cry Love by John Hiatt, Good Witch of the North by Everclear, Darling, Be Home Soon by Matt Costa...

Amazing music you want to listen to again and again.

I'm looking for music primarily in the rock genre but would also appreciate some really good, old-school soul.

Never underestimate the power of a good soul classic. For example -- last night while I was blow-drying my hair, I heard the strains of Sam Cooke emanating from the bedroom and when I popped my head out, Dan swept me up and we spent the next couple of minutes dancing to You Send Me in the bathroom. What can I tell you? The kid's a romantic.

So, if anyone can recommend some well-written, non-schlocky love songs -- I would really appreciate it.

The songs you would use if you were making a mix CD for someone you loved.

Thanks guys!

P.S.

Andrea -- this one's for you. I figure you'd appreciate it:

We drew our own constellations

Job: Did a little research and learned that the job only pays $7 an hour. Couple that with a 50-mile drive everyday and I had to pass. I've got a wedding to pay for and $7/hr just won't cut it. I've also submitted my resume to Southwest Airlines and to a firm looking for a proofreader, so keep that mojo coming.

Valentine's Day: Dan and I will be celebrating our first one together and I'm really excited! It's gonna be lo-fi -- I'm making him a homemade valentine (shut up. They're cute) and we're having dinner at Cosi where we will share s'mores for dessert (S'mores are Dan's new thing and he's become all sorts of experimental with them. His latest culinary concoction? Two Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies sandwiched together with three miniature marshmallows).



He's an amazing guy and every now and then, it'll hit me like a Mack truck. This man, this amazing, passionate, sweet, gorgeous, funny, whip-smart, kind, generous man loves me. Loves me. How did I ever get so lucky?

Rants: I'm feelin' kinda salty, so here goes:

1. Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer making money hand-over-fist for creating crap like Scary Movie, Date Movie, Epic Movie and Meet The Spartans. They aren't even remotely funny. These two assbags just Cuisinart a bunch of pop culture references and try to pass it off as a movie. It requires NO talent whatsoever. All you need to do that is a horny exec and a mouth that doubles as a vacuum cleaner. And to the morons who actually patronize this crap -- you should all be sterilized for the good of mankind. Seriously. The fact that Meet The Spartans made $28 million domestically makes me ill.

2. Rolling Stone Magazine. Now, we've had some problems in the past, but let me clarify something for you. Darfur? Tragedy. The fact that American troops are being killed needlessly? Tragedy. Having cancer and no health insurance? Tragedy. The life of Britney Spears? Not a tragedy. Yes, the round-the-clock coverage of her breakdown is bang out of order, but let's not cannonize Spears just yet, shall we? You can't deny there's a certain level of spoiled entitlement lurking just below the over-tanned and shiny surface.

Raves: So we don't end this post on a down note:

1. Sawyer's Nickname Generator. Mr. Ford's got a name for everyone on the Island and now, you can get your very own nickname too! According to the generator, I am 'Third Degree.' At least it's not 'Hymen.'



2. Macaroni and Cheese. No nutritional value whatsoever, but when it doesn't come out of a blue box -- it borders on divine.

3. Lost tomorrow night. Apparently the rescuers get a flashback!

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give

I have an interview tomorrow!!!

It's for a events promotions firm and I'm alternately incredibly excited and incredibly nervous.

Wish me luck and send along some good mojo!

Happy Super Tuesday!

Truth, justice and the American way.

Reasons to Barack The Vote:

+ Higher pay for teachers. I have numerous friends who are teachers and even considered going into the field myself at a point. Teachers set the foundation for the future and good ones are hard to find. Good teachers should be rewarded for their hard work and efforts.

+ He voted against the Federal Marriage Amendment which defines marriage as a union between one man and one woman. He supports civil unions and leaves the definition of marriage up to the states. I have both friends and family members who are gay. Denying the right of marriage to them is ridiculous and pedantic.

+ He is pro-choice.

+ He has a history of supporting environmentally-friendly bills and realizes the dangers of global warming.

+ He wants to decrease our independence on foreign oil.

+ He supports protecting net neutrality.

+ LEGAL immigration. I am a legal immigrant. I moved to the U.S. from the U.K. thirteen years ago. Since that point, my family has paid a small fortune in legal fees and immigration application fees in order to remain in this country. Obama introduced the Citizenship Promotion Act to ensure that immigration application fees are both reasonable and fair.

+ Ending the war in Iraq. He's been opposed to it since the very beginning and I believe he will take the right steps to rectifying the missteps of the current administration.

+ He supports embryonic stem cell research and co-sponsored the 2005 Stem Cell Research Act. The day we stop expanding scientifically is the day modern society plunges right back into the Dark Ages.

Obama 2008.

NY Giants = Superbowl Champions AND Dynasty Killers

NEW YORK GIANTS: 17
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: 14

In other words -- BAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

Watching the Pats go down in flames in the last few minutes was quite possibly the best sports moment of the entire season. It's always nice to see the underdog win, but it's even nicer to see the Pats lose.

Five reasons watching the Pats fail last night was amazing:

1. The fact that it was Eli who did it. Eli Manning -- the guy who lived his whole life with the prefix 'Peyton's Little Brother'. Well, not last night and not anymore. Eli made history and I couldn't be happier for him. Can you imagine being Archie Manning? Two quarterback sons who not only won consecutive Superbowls, but also both picked up the MVP award. Amazing.



2. The fact that Boston fans will no longer be able to claim that they won the World Series and the Superbowl in the same year. I hate Boston fans. I really do. They're cocky and obnoxious and perpetually drunk. They remind me of sperm, in a way. Only one in like, 30,000 has a chance of being a human.

3. Seeing Tom Brady lose. The man is a complete douche. Seriously. I'm not talking about breaking up with then-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan while she was pregnant, but rather the fact that on December 10, 2006 -- we beat these bastards 21-0 and a week later, Brady has the gall to say, "I'm sure if you asked them, it probably sounds good for them to say they have it all figured out, but they're 6-7 and we're 9-4, so go tell me who probably has it more figured out."

Hey cockboy -- not only did we kick your ass, but we embarrassed you. Shut up. Oh and by the by? Your chin looks like a butt and your teeth look like Chiclets.



4. Wes Welker. He used to be a Dolphin. He used to be the Great White Hope...and then, he joined the Pats. That's like having your husband sleep with your sister. An unforgivable betrayal. I hope this dude never gets a Superbowl ring...unless he comes back to the light side.

5. The best part? The sweetest, most delicious, finger-lickin' fabulous fact of last night? That there is only ONE undefeated team in the league and that's the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Sorry, Belichick. Your boys almost had it...but almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.



Oh and congratulations to my boy, #99 Jason Taylor for winning the Walter Payton Man of the Year award. I can't think of a more deserving candidate.



It hasn't even been 12 hours and I already miss football season...

YES!

I finally got my employment authorization card! I can finally get a job!

I'm so excited. I've been waiting for this moment since I was 16-years-old.

With that in mind -- who wants to hire an eager, personable and highly motivated award-winning, published writer?

Wedding Related Question

Mix CDs as wedding favors? Y/N?

I have mixed feelings about wedding favors. They remind me of the goodie bags you got as a kid when you went to a birthday party.

But, I kinda like the idea of the mix CD.

Firstly, it's cheaper than your average wedding favor. I mean, $1.70 for a crappy candle that no-one will ever bother lighting times 100 guests = $170 on something no-one cares about in the first place!

Secondly, it seems so much more personal. Not only would the mix contain music featured on the day (Beach Song by Hans Zimmer, Hey Jude by the The Mutato Muzika Orchestra, Wild Horses by Slash's Snakepit, Back To The Future Overture by Alan Silvestri) but also a collection of our favorite tracks. Everything from Jackie Wilson to Bruce Springsteen to Elton John to Madonna. I'd also have a track list and cover art.



Like this only six million times better because I won't throw it together in ten minutes.

So -- mix CDs as wedding favors? Good idea or tacky? Let me know.

Thanks guys!

LOST: The Beginning of the End

OH. MY. GOD.



It's back. It's back and it's glorious and I have so many questions, but first things first.

If you missed it last night, ABC.com is streaming last night's episode for free. Check it out here.
As always, Lost Screencaps and Easter Eggs has great shots of the episode as well as enhanced audio.
Finally, if you want to check out an animately, lively discussion of the show, go no further than Whitney Matheson's Pop Candy blog.

Now, onto the episode itself. Last warning, if you didn't see it - do not read any further because I will totally ruin it for you. Seriously. I am Ruiny McSpoilerson. Last chance to bail.

Here goes:

Overall, this episode was definitely indicative of just how dark this season will be. Hurley's always been the show's most optimistic character. When everyone else was worrying about their fate on this bizarre island, Hugo was busy building a golf course to help relieve tension. And let's not forget the Dharma van. Initially mocked, both Hurley and the van came through in a serious way in the last episode of season 3.



However, in this episode -- we saw Hurley's future and it seemed to be a grim one. Evading the police, experiencing truly terrifying visions (drowning in a police interrogation room, seeing dead people) and ending back up in the mental hospital he spent quality time in before boarding flight 815. When the show's sunniest character makes a 180 like this, you know the Losties are in store for some bleak(er) times.

One of the reasons I love Lost so much (and Andrea was totally spot-on about this) is the emotional range of the show. I really care about these characters and am thoroughly invested in their lives. During last night's episode, I cried (when Hurley told Claire that Charlie had died), I gasped in shock when I realized that Jack would have killed Locke if the gun had been loaded and I dug my fingernails into Dan's arm and screamed (when Hurley saw Jacob in the hair and when that eye popped up and stared straight at Senor Reyes).

Speaking of, IT'S CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD!!

Hurley saw Christian Shephard in Jacob's ramshackle shack! What is Jack's deceased father doing hanging out in the shack?! And why can Hurley see him? There is no way that Christian = Jacob.

Other Questions:

- The man who came to see Hurley at the institution definitely wasn't an attorney for Oceanic Air. So, who was he? He introduced himself as Matthew Abbadon. According to Lostpedia (best. resource. ever), Abbadon is the Hebrew word for 'destruction' and 'Matthew Abbadon' is also an anagram of 'What Bad Boatmen.' Hmmmm....



Lance Reddick was a great choice. He's magnetic on-screen and pardon my French, but this is one very cool, very diabolical looking motherfucker.

- The Oceanic Six. We already know that Jack, Kate and Hurley made it back safe. So, let's talk about the other half of the equation. I'm thinking Jin and Sun (because if Sun stays on the island, she and her unborn child will surely die) and....? No clue. Is it Sawyer? Is it Michael? Is it Sayid? Is it whoever was in the coffin?

- The rescuer who parachuted out of the helicopter is named Daniel Faraday. Two things concerning that -- a) why didn't the helicopter land? What is it about the island that causes aircraft to go nuts (two helicopters and flight 815)? And b) Faraday is obviously a reference to Michael Faraday, an English physicist who researched electromagnetic phenomena. Coincidence? Come on, it's Lost. Nothing is coincidental.

- Who is Naomi's sister? Why could Hurley see Charlie despite the fact that he is, indeed, dead? Why does Hurley regret having gone with Locke and feel the need to apologize to Jack for it in his flash-forward? And most important of all -- is there any way we could speed up this week so it's next Thursday already?

P.S. -- Regarding the Flyers/Rangers game last night? Even though we were blown out, it was a blast. I love Philly. It's such a great sports city. These people are seriously passionate and understand that the opposing team deserves every last ounce of your animosity and bitter rage. Highlights of the night?

1. Seeing a Rangers fan and a Flyers fan exchange fisticuffs in the nosebleed seats...and seeing security haul the Rangers fan away.
2. An angry crowd chanting, 'Asshole.'
3. An entire section of proud Philadelphians booed a single man who made the poor fashion choice of wearing a Tony Romo jersey to the game. Come on, dude. This is Eagles territory. It's a good thing he wasn't wearing a T.O. jersey. Homeboy probably would have been shot.

It's Back...

Season 4 starts tonight!

Let's talk dedication, shall we?

+ We were given killer tickets to the Flyers game tonight. They're like, $90 a seat and apparently the Broad Street Bullies are doing really well. We're planning on leaving the game early so we can head home and watch the show on DVR.

+ Dan's had a countdown going since the season 3 finale last May. He actually woke up yesterday morning and the first words he said? "Thirty-seven hours...." I know. I know. I live in a state of constant swooning.

+ Sparky, Dan and I got Paps season 3 for his birthday. He finished the entire season and the extras in a week. I talked to him yesterday and one highlight of our conversation was when he seethed, "Why doesn't Mikhail die?! He took a harpoon to the chest, Jemmy! A harpoon!"

+ In addition to chomping at the bit in regards to the show's premiere, I'm also really excited for Friday morning so I can read the Lost discussion posts on Whitney Matheson's Pop Candy blog.

Word of warning -- don't bother calling me after six tonight. You won't get a response.

Enjoy the show!

Things Making Me Nuts (in a bad way):

- Not being able to find employment. I'm an award-winning, published writer with excellent people skills. My resume may be meager, but what I lack in experience, I more than make up for in drive. I really need a job and I'm willing to do almost anything. Dear God, let someone hire me.

- Not being able to find an affordable apartment. I'd really like to live in a place that doesn't feature an orchestra of sirens and gunshots every night. I'd really like a bedroom that didn't also triple as my kitchen and living room. I'd really like a place Dan and I could call our own.

- Not being able to pay for a wedding. The Hard Rock's cheapest meal option is $100 a plate and they don't allow outside catering. $100 x approximately 100 guests = $10,000. Add to that alcohol, the location, flowers, a dress, a suit, invitations and a litany of other things I can't even begin to imagine right now. My wedding will cost more than my entire life up until this point.

Lord, beer me strength. Preferably PBR or Natty 'cause right now, that's all I can afford.

The Perfect Life

This was originally posted by Jenni, but I liked the idea so much, I decided to create one of my own.

You should do one too!


The perfect outfit: That's an easy one -- a frock (like this one, perhaps), a pair of cute and comfy Dr. Scholl sandals (maybe like these) and your favorite piece of jewelry. Classic and cute. What more could you ask for?



The perfect meal: This one's a little tougher. Right now, my perfect meal would be huevos rancheros, a plate of chilled mangoes, peaches and raspberries and a tall sweet tea with lime.

The perfect hangover cure: Scrambled eggs, hash browns, onions, green peppers, tomatoes, mushrooms and cheese. Mix 'em all together in a bowl. Add liberal amounts of black pepper, ketchup and maple syrup (I know, but trust me on this one) and serve with a frosty Cherry Coke. It'll fix your hangover right up....or cause your gastrointestinal system to explode in a fury not seen since Pompeii.

The perfect road trip: The only road trip I've ever taken was when Dan and I drove up from Orlando to Philadelphia. A straight shot up I-95, it wasn't particularly scenic but we had a great time.

The perfect facial feature: An genuine smile.

The perfect drink: A decaf skinny vanilla latte (no ice), Cherry Coke Zero or peach mango iced tea.

The perfect song: Wild Horses by The Rolling Stones.

The perfect sign of affection: The hand-squeeze followed up with a smile.

The perfect afternoon: Barbecuing with friends on a sunny afternoon. Good music, margaritas, veggie burgers and lots of laughter. You really can't go wrong.

The perfect vacation: Any city in Europe in the summertime.

The perfect invention: The digital camera.

The perfect type of wedding: Hopefully, the one I'm planning. Me, Dan, family and friends, lots of good food and booze, great music and everyone having a wonderful time at the Hard Rock Hotel in Orlando, FL.

The perfect album: Perfect for what occasion? I mean, Madonna's Immaculate Collection is pretty perfect, but not really when you're bummed. And Appetite For Destruction by Guns 'N Roses? Arguably one of the best albums ever created...but it's not really dance music, now is it? The perfect album of my adolescence was Everclear's Sparkle and Fade and So Much For The Afterglow as well as New Found Glory's self-titled album, but these don't highlight everyone's teenage years. The best albums are the ones you painstakingly craft yourself.

The perfect accent: Australian, although I have a soft spot for English accents.

The perfect date: I'm a sucker for a theme park.

The perfect weather: 78 degrees and not a cloud in the sky.

The perfect party: Good people, good food, good drinks and good music. The rest will all fall into place.

The perfect sport: Miami Dolphins football!

The perfect thing to say: "Do you want pizza? I'm buying...."

The perfect day of the week: Saturday. You get the whole day and night to yourself. It's a beautiful thing.

The Simpsons: That 90's Show

In the words of Jeff Albertson (aka Comic Book Guy) --"Worst. Episode. Ever."

This episode was nothing more than a pastiche of random 90's references -- Marge and Homer move into Springfield Place (a take on Melrose Place), Marge sports 'The Rachel', Homer invents grunge after a brief stint in a Color Me Badd-esque R&B lite group and I fight back the urge to drive golf tees into my eyeballs.

It seems that all the writers did for this episode was watch a marathon of VH1's I Love The 90's and pick out their favorite parts:

Writer #1: Dude! Remember that Closing Time song?! Dude! I love that song! We should put that in the episode.
Writer #2: Bro, you know who rocked in the 90s? Bush. Heh-heh...I said Bush. We should put that in too!
[The writers high-five and across the country, a girl wails in agony because she realizes that not only do these no-talent numbnuts have the life she wants, but they're getting paid for screwing up an iconic television show]

Why don't the new episodes have the wit and the heart of the movie? Or better yet, why couldn't The Simpsons just retire with dignity like Seinfeld did?

Five Reasons I Hate Mike Huckabee

Meet Michael Dale Huckabee.



He's an ordained Southern Baptist minister, a former Arkansas governor, a bassist in the rock band Capitol Offense ("Capitol" -- get it. Oh, what witty wordplay) and now, he's a Republican candidate for the 2008 presidential election.

Let's get to know him a little better, shall we?

5. Mike Huckabee made a, "conscious attempt to keep the state police from investigating his son" David Huckabee after it came to light that his darling little boy had hanged, stoned and slit the throat of a stray dog.

4. Mike Huckabee aggressively pushed for the release convicted rapist Wayne DuMond. A mere year after DuMond's released, he raped and murdered two different women -- Carol Sue Shields and Sara Andresek. At the time of her death, Andresek was pregnant with her first child.

3. Mike Huckabee equates homosexuality with bestiality. This statement is so stupid that I can't wrap my mind around it.

2. Mike Huckabee doesn't believe in evolution. Bill Maher makes a great point here -- "If someone believes the earth is 6000 years old when every scientist in the world tells us it's billions of years old, why shouldn't I take that into account when I'm assessing the rationality of someone I'm going to put in the highest office in the land."

Huck's response? "We really don't know."

Well, Huckster? There's more proof and a much more reasonable argument for evolution than there is for creationism. Just sayin', guy.

1. Mike Huckabee thinks contraception is akin to abortion. Let me make that crystal clear for you -- Mike Huckabee thinks birth control pills, the patch, the nuva ring and the IUD are all forms of abortion.

Wait a second. WHAT?! In what universe does that even begin to make sense?

Now, let's say you've got the IQ of a head of lettuce and actually buy into this idiocy, you've got to be fair, right?

If contraceptives are akin to abortions, so is male masturbation. The sin of onanism, folks. If you're jerkin' your gherkin, you're spilling your seed and destroying thousands-upon-thousands of would-be babies.

Think about that for a second before you get all gung-ho with the contraceptives-as-abortions movement.

In short, Mike Huckabee is a lunatic, a theocrat (truly dangerous in a free society) and should be kept as far away from the American political system as humanly possible.

You gave me the best mixtape I've had

I've become addicted to Flickr Favorites again. I just go to Flickr, type in any random word, sort by 'most interesting' and find a plethora of gorgeous and inspiring imagery. It's also fun to type in really abstract concepts and see what pops up. Example? I typed in the word 'divine' and got photographs of a cathedral, a sandwich, a hotel, a Blythe doll and a scrap of paper with an Arthur C. Clarke quote scribbled on it.

Anyway, while Flickring around, I discovered this image



and it got me thinking about the perfect mixtape.

Since I missed the mixtape revolution by a hair, I kick it new-school with mix CDs. I love them, constantly make them and am a firm believer that like love, a good mix CD can make a poet out of a mute man.

That being said, here is my perfect mixtape -- a compilation of songs I love fiercely. Songs that whisk me back to a specific time and place in the first three notes. I have all of these tracks on my hard drive, so if you take a fancy to any of them -- let me know and I'll hook you up.



The Perfect Mixtape

Local God by Everclear: Featured on the William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet soundtrack, this was my first introduction to what became my favorite band during my teenage years. It's noisy, raucous, rebellious and they use the F word. In short, a perfect teenage track.

Dressed To Kill by New Found Glory: Another track reminiscent of my adolescence. I remember unrequited serious "like" being a big theme of my teenage years and the lyrics really hit home for me -- "I can't stop pretending/That you're forever mine/And I can't dream anymore since you left/I miss you singing me to sleep." (Although, I should clarify that no-one ever sang me to sleep. None of the boys I liked in high school were ever that romantic)

My Hero by the Foo Fighters: It's like drummer Taylor Hawkins is riding a stampede of elephants through your central nervous system. And I love the lyric, "There goes my hero/He's ordinary." I really like that idea -- just a regular guy...who happens to be someone's hero.

Stars by Hum*: It starts off as quiet and pretty as a lullaby...and then, the stompbox kicks in and the bonecrushing guitars and drums take off. When I was learning to play guitar (a disaster that reminds me of a line from The Simpsons wherein one of the Flanders children asks their father if Reverend Lovejoy is "killing that guitar"), I actually learned to play the opening of this song. There's something pretty amazing about recreating notes that you love...even if they don't sound nearly as good on your crappy little Squire.

The Power of Love by Huey Lewis and The News: Impossible to hear this song without thinking about Marty McFly. Maybe it's not the hippest song on the list, but you can't deny that hearing it makes you smile. Just a little.

Pride and Joy by Stevie Ray Vaughan*: I first learned about Stevie Ray Vaughan freshman year of college. His music was recommended to me, I downloaded a bunch of it, I fell head-over-heels in love and then, I discovered that Vaughan had tragically died in a helicopter crash eleven years prior. My heart was broken. I know I'll always have the music, but the fact that Guitar Hurricane will never come to play in my town? It hurts.

Whole Lotta Love by Led Zeppelin: The apex. The alpha and the omega, baby. Just like a snake charmer entrances cobras, this song hypnotizes the hips. Revving them up like a '67 Cherry Red Mustang. This isn't making love. This isn't even sex. It's the best, longest, dirtiest, most-eye-rolling, heavy-breathing, back-scratching, moaning-screaming-panting-Oh-God fuck you've ever had in your life. And the extended version is 23 minutes long (tell me that's not the best endorsement for a song you've ever heard).

Born To Run by Bruce Springsteen: Despite the fact that Bruce doesn't really get a lot of love down south, I'm a fan. I love the idea of the man as much as his music. There's a real honesty and dignity about him. You really don't find that too much anymore. Check out It Ain't No Sin To Be Glad You're Alive: The Promise of Bruce Springsteen by Eric Alterman. You'll see what I mean.

Freebird by Lynyrd Skynyrd: You can take the girl out of the south...And besides, it's Freebird. Come on.

Hotel California by The Eagles: We had the Hotel California album on vinyl when I was a little kid and my dad used to play it all the time. I think it was the first record my sister and I ever listened to all the way through. I also remember having this moment of satori when I realized that Lyin' Eyes was a story within a song.

Cherish by Madonna: Old-school Madonna is one of the greater pleasures in my life. The Immaculate Collection is one of those great albums I can put on at any given time and feel completely sunny and cheery two tracks in.

Juicy by Notorious B.I.G.: I'm not a hip hop head by any stretch of the imagination, but I do love and respect the form. While I'm not so much a fan of the 'booty booty booty booties rockin' everywhere', the 'knob slobbin' and the 'chicken wangs and bottles of Dom,' I do appreciate the deft intelligence, searing wit and urban Algerian folklore that comes with really good hip hop. This track contains all those things and a sick sample of Mtume's Juicy Fruit.

Wild Horses by The Rolling Stones: The world's most perfect song. Honey-dipped guitar chords, Jagger's plaintive cry and incredibly beautiful visceral imagery.


* Can we take a second to talk about how car companies have been pimping out my favorite songs to schill automobiles? I realize someone connected to the musicians sold you the rights, but when I think of Pride and Joy or Stars, I don't want to think about a crappy Altima or Caddy.

Heath Ledger dead at the age of 28

MSNBC is reporting it. So are CNN, Fox News and TMZ.



I am shocked and saddened by this. Ledger was one of my favorite actors. I loved his smile and the easy way it seemed to light up his face. His performance as Ennis Del Mar in Brokeback Mountain was a tour de force and completely devastated me. And I've been excited about his portrayal as The Joker in The Dark Knight ever since I found out he was cast in the role.

My prayers go out to Ledger's family and friends. Especially his daughter, Matilda.

Rest in peace, Heath. You left us far too soon.

I tagged it dorsally with a homing dart!

The Lovely Miss Jamie (no, I have not changed the spelling of my name and started referring to myself in the third person) tagged me, so here goes:

Here are the rules:
Link to the person who tagged you.
Post the rules on your blog.
Share six (6) non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
Tag at least 3 people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. I am always jonesing for good chips and salsa. I'm not talking Tostitos (which taste like salty cardboard in comparison to real tortilla chips) and bottled salsa (an abomination to tastebuds everywhere. I mean, why do people eat this stuff?!). I'm talking freshly made chips and salsa with real tomatoes, onions. garlic, lime and cilantro. Is anyone else really hungry all of a sudden?

2. I have a crush on Chace Crawford. I have no idea how this happened. I don't watch Gossip Girl and I don't think I've seen one of Crawford's movies. Yet, he makes me blush. What can I tell you? I'm a sucker for that All-American type.

3. I have never seen Amelie despite having at least ten people tell me I need to do so because, "you would really enjoy it." Emphasis on the you. Dan does own it, so maybe I can check it out later this week. Expect a post. Maybe.

4. After I saw Back To The Future for the first time, I was convinced that I was going to marry Michael J. Fox. Why? Because we were both short. This didn't pan out as well as I thought it would when I was five, but I am a lifelong Fox fan.

5. I've been onstage with Art Alexakis twice. He was my hero during my teenage years. I still think he's pretty great.

6. I am a sucker for a good mix CD. Three months before we met, Dan made me this amazing mix featuring Everclear and the Rolling Stones and Citizen Cope and the Twilight Singers and the Beatles and now, we're engaged. Coincidence? I don't think so.

I'm tagging Andrea, Jaz and Lynn. Have fun!

Weekend Wrap-Up

This weekend consisted of movies, mediocre Mexican food and shopping for men's clothes.

Movies

We caught Cloverfield on Friday night.



Take it for what it is -- popcorn entertainment that combines the ethos of Godzilla with the camera work of The Blair Witch Project. The movie was surprisingly funny and even managed to have a fairly sweet and cleverly attached back story. Word of warning, though? If you suffer from any sort of motion sickness, be sure to pop a Dramamine before you go. I didn't and ended up having to excuse myself in the middle of the film so I could use the facilities, so to speak. It wasn't cute. Oh and to the catty high schoolers who came into the bathroom after me? A) I'm not a bulimic and B) bulimia isn't funny.

I also saw Transformers for the first time. Now, when it comes to kick-ass action sequences and blowing stuff up, Michael Bay knows his shit, but the forced emotional plot of this movie was just completely contrived and ridiculous. Bumblebee speaks through the car radio...to the poetry of The Cars? Come on! I love Drive as much as the next person, but this was just laughably awful. Loved Shia LeBeouf, though. His performance in this movie gives me hope for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (which totally sounds like a Zelda game, doesn't it?)

Mediocre Mexican Food

The Mexican Post in Wilmington, DE. My whole objective in going out to dinner is to eat food that I couldn't get at home. Bottled salsa and sub-par enchiladas that I could very easily improve on myself do not make a good meal. Why is it so hard to find good Mexican food?! I mean, I'm not looking for Mexican molecular gastronomy -- I just want fresh, good food and a fruity margarita to back it up. Regardless of where you are -- what's your favorite place for good Mexican food?

Shopping

Dan needed to update his wardrobe, so we spent some quality time for shopping for men's clothes. Men's departments, in case you were wondering, are remarkably dull places. The shoes aren't cute, all the clothes kind of look the same and on the off chance that you do find something pink, it ends up being the most garish thing in the universe. Seriously, if Dan wore this shirt -- I'd set him on fire just to get it off.

The system works!

The system works! Yesterday, I got my interview appointment from the government!

For those not entangled in the fine workings of America's immigration system, this means that on February 28, Dan and I will be trooping down to Philly to meet with USCIS officials to prove that our relationship is on the up-and-up.



I'll be required to bring all sorts of paperwork as well as "proof" of our relationship such photographs, phone bills (to show just how much time we spent talking to one another while I lived in Orlando and he lived in PA), flight records and correspondence.

I'm both completely fine and incredibly nervous. Fine because Dan and I are obviously completely in love and committed to one another (you don't let your fiancee get away with calling you 'Pookie' in public unless you really, really love her) and nervous because I have no idea what to expect or how personal the questions will be.

If anyone has gone through the process or knows someone who has, PLEASE let me know. I'd appreciate any and all information.

Thanks guys and wish us luck!

If it bleeds, it leads.....literally.

Ladies and gentlemen, just when you thought American journalism couldn't get any lower, X17 reports this.

Word of warning, not only is it NSFL (not safe for life), but it's truly disgusting. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I realize that there is a world of difference between The Washington Post and what these parasitic prats do, but we now live in a world where celebrity meltdowns are headline news. Both entities are reporters. One of them just has more dignity than the other.

Stuff like this makes me wonder why I went to j-school in the first place....

A decidedly girlie post

$35 + a trip to the mall for their fantastic post-Christmas, mid-week sales results in:

A pair of fabulous earrings and a short-sleeved tee from Forever 21.




A pair of khakis and a pretty pink polo from Aeropostale.

And five pairs (yes, that's right -- five pairs) of super cute undies from Aerie.

Never pay retail, darling.

In other news:

+ Why is everyone all a'twitter about Starbucks' new Skinny line? I've been ordering my drinks like this for years.
+ I am in love with Landon Pigg's Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop (also known as, 'that song on the diamond commercials'). You can listen to it on his MySpace. Check it out, fall in love and spend the rest of the day smiling and humming the pretty melody.
+ Saturday night = date night and I'm looking for good Greek/Lebanese/Middle Eastern food in the Southeastern PA area/Wilmington, DE area. Anyone know a good place? Let me know if you do!

Mom thinks I'm stupid

My mom's never been a big advocate of Western medicine and prefers to treat any sort of illness with natural cures. Me, on the other hand? I think along the same lines as Denis Leary:




So, I'm taking to Mom yesterday and she's telling me how to cure my irritatingly persistent cough.

Mom: Jemmy, do you want me to send you some ginger?
Me: Ginger? What? No. What am I gonna do with a hunk of ginger? Can you even mail ginger?
Mom: It'll help your cough and then, you can cook with whatever's left over.
Me: Firstly, I never use ginger when I cook. Ever. And secondly, I could just take some cough medicine.
Mom: Jemmy, those medicines aren't good for you. You should use natural cures. I was watching TV and this doctor was talking about how medicine actually makes you sick.
Me: Mom, was this a real doctor or like, a doctor of poetry? 'Cause seriously, anyone can be a doctor.
Mom: You couldn't.
Me (pause): Thanks, Mom. Thanks.

Indian woman doesn't think her offspring would succeed in the field of medicine. That's gotta be a first.

An Open Letter To My Stomach Bug

Dear pestilent swine:

For the past four days, I've been feeling like this guy:



OK, maybe not exactly like that, but you get the point.

I've been on the Lindsay Lohan health plan for the past week. No, not a continuous stream of vodka, cigarettes, semen and blow, but rather ejecting every bit of nutrition from my body with extreme force.

In four days, all I've eaten are six Ritz-Bits Peanut Butter Crackers, 3/4 of a bottle of Gatorade, five Triscuits and two glasses of ginger ale. I tried a slice of pizza last night, but no -- you had to rob me of my favorite food. For that, I will never forgive you, you utter bastard.

That being said, I'm evicting your ass immediately. Get out and take your virulence with you. Oh and tell your buddy, Mr. Head-Cold-From-Hell to GTFO too. Seriously -- I've had enough of being Little Miss Infirmary.

You have twenty-four hours.

Sincerely:

The Management.

Got stains on my t-shirt and I'm the biggest flirt

The obligatory 'About Me' post.

Any questions? Leave a comment and I'll get back to you.

You tried to save the sandwich from a bullet?

I am not a foodie by any stretch of the imagination. Being a vegetarian has a tendency to put the kibosh on chowing down on Kobe beef, roasted duck, lardo and ceviche. I'm not really a food snob, either. I'm perfectly content sipping on Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate instead of plunking down $4 for a Starbucks Hot Chocolate.

But -- I am passionate about what I eat. I fall in love with food in the same way most people fall in love with other people -- completely and rapturously. You can't stop talking about your beloved and want to be with them all the time.

I fell in love again recently. With Sandwich -- a food so glorious that it deserves to be considered as a proper noun. I've had one of these every day for the last three days and I plan on having one for dinner tonight.

Sandwich is simple, easy to make and weepingly delicious. Eating it for the first time caused me to have a bit of a metaphysical crisis -- "Why? Why did I even bother eating anything else? This is so good! So good!"

So, because I want you to be as gloriously happy as I am when eating Sandwich, here is the how-to:

+ One Amoroso Hoagie Roll (Yes, it must be an Amoroso roll because they are proof of divinity. Dan told me that bread tasted better in Philly because of the water. I didn't believe him and then, I moved here and completely changed my mind. Trust me on this one).
+ Extra Virgin Olive Oil (And for those of you thinking, "Oooh! EVOO!", let me paraphrase a little Anthony Bourdain for you -- "Rachael Ray does to food what Hitler did to Poland")
+ Red onion
+ Green pepper
+ Portobello mushrooms
+ Mozzarella cheese
+ Sundried tomatoes
+ Salt, black pepper and basil.

Drizzle the olive oil lightly on the bread. Lay down portobello mushroom slices. Lightly drizzle olive oil again. Layer alternating rings of pepper and onion. Sprinkle with salt, pepper and basil. Lay down sundried tomatoes. Add cheese. Add salt, pepper and basil again.
Bake at 350°F for ten minutes or until melty and slightly blackened.
Serve with sweet tea and experience gastronomic ecstasy/metaphysical crisis.

A conversation between Dan and I last night:

Jaime (with mouthful of Sandwich): I love you.
Dan: I love you t...Wait. You're talking to the sandwich, aren't you?
Jaime (muffled by Sandwich): Mmmhmph...yeah.

And if that doesn't convince you how amazing Sandwich is, here is a man who truly understands the importance of sandwiches -- Mr. Ross Geller:

My So-Called Life: The Substitute

MTV is running a Hills marathon today and since I miss blogging about teen-oriented television, here for your enjoyment is a quick wrap-up of episode six of My So-Called Life -- The Substitute.

In this episode, Dead Poets Society comes to Three Rivers in the form of Vic Racine (played by Roger Rees), a far-less fuzzy version of Robin Williams (both in demeanor and body-hair coverage). He causes a literary awakening at Liberty High and ends up influencing his students in some very real ways.



The opening scene is like Dangerous Minds in the 'burbs. Instead of bumpin' to NWA or Tupac, these guys are blasting old-school TLC. See, this is another reason I love 90s television. The soundtrack always kicks ass.

I recall some pretty interesting substitute teachers from high school. We had this monolithic Indian teacher who wore feathers, turquoise and leather, a big jolly Jewish guy who reminded me of Mel Brooks and actually made math understandable and this completely insane man who thought I was mocking him after I sneezed in class. He made me stand a lectern for fifteen minutes as part of my punishment. Ahhh, the joys of public school.

If a sub had told us to 'continue wasting our lives', we would have. Seriously. I remember a class in high school where we spent the entire period playing with an oversized beach ball.

News of the sub's subversive teaching tactics spreads and before you know it, students who aren't even in the class are showing up to see this guy teach. How is the school allowing this?

Angela writes a piece called The Fable:

"Once upon a time there lived a girl. She slept in a lovely little cottage made of gingerbread and candy. She was always asleep. One morning she woke up, and the candy had mold on it. Her father blew her a kiss and the house fell down. She realized she was lost. She found herself walking down a crowded street, but the people were made of paper, like paper dolls. She blew everyone a kiss goodbye, and watched as they blew away."

When I was fifteen, I would have found this to be the most pithy thing anyone had ever written. At 24, I realize that lousy poetry is to teen angst as bad breath is to garlic.

One of the better submissions is a racy little piece called Haiku For Him:

"He peels off my clothes like a starving man
Would peel an orange.
His lips taste my juicy sweetness.
My legs tangle with his;
We become one being,
A burning furnace
In the cold dark basement of love."

Barring the basement of love (which sounds like a B-52's song), it's actually pretty good imagery and reminds me of one of my favorite Zeppelin songs -- Tangerine.



To no-one's surprise, Jordan Catalano is illiterate. Now, riddle me this, Batman -- how does one get past elementary school, middle school and half of high school without knowing how to read?

Never in my life have I ever seen high schoolers fired up about a literary magazine. The only way this ever would have happened at my high school is if the magazine contained a nude centerfold and was made from paper that could have been promptly rolled up and smoked once you were done reading.

The author of the racy haiku turns out to be Angela's prissy friend, Sharon Cherski. Lady in the street, freak in the bed. I'm just sayin', is all.



The lit mag ends up being confiscated by Principal Foster due to obscene content, Racine leaves and this gets the sophomores at Liberty High incensed.

One of the more shocking moments of the episode:

Brian: All that crap about honesty and truth. What a jerk. He didn't even teach.
Jordan: He did teach! He was the best teacher I ever had!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Not only did Jordan Catalano emote passionately but the man actually makes a positive statement regarding his own education. Incredible. And speaking of incredible -- let's feast upon a little Leto, shall we?



That one's for you, D.

A-ha! Plot twist! The hapless viewer is lead to believe that Racine was sacked by the administration, but it comes to light that Racine left on his own accord after being subpoenaed regarding non-payment of child support.

Angela confronts Racine about abandoning his family. Racine tells 'Amanda' to drop out of the mind-control factory that is high school and to let the walls of her gingerbread house come crashing down. The only thing that comes crashing down, though is Angela's idealistic view of her firebrand substitute teacher.

The episode ends with Angela photocopying issues of the Liberty Lit and passing them out, an offense that could very well get her suspended. After a joint meeting with the Chases, Principal Foster decides against suspending Angela, but the little girl who spent all her time sleeping in gingerbread houses is now very much awake.

A pretty good episode but I think I'm biased because I've always been a fan of the inspiring English teacher. I had two teachers like this -- Justin Kay and Terence Oliga. Amazing, talented, witty and passionate men who I not only consider my mentors but the very reason I know how to put pen to paper.

In Other News:

- Congratulations to Barack Obama for taking the Iowa caucus!
- I can't even begin to comment on this Britney situation because it's entirely too heartbreaking. I've never really been a fan of Ms. Spears, but do we really need round-the-clock coverage of her emotional breakdown? I hope she and her family get the help they so desperately need.
- I redefined the word 'nerdy' this week when I discovered I had a crush on Orlando Bloom's character Legolas from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Why the crush? Because he looks like Link from The Legend of Zelda. Let the mockery commence.

An Open Letter To 2008

Dear 2008:

Hi! It's nice to finally meet you! Sorry I was all doped up on Tylenol Cold when we were first introduced. Hopefully, you'll give me a second chance to make a first impression.

So, here you are -- all new and shiny and filled with limitless potential and promise.

I really want us to get along. 2007 was pretty good to me and I'd like to see you live up to the legacy of your predecessor.

That being said, let's talk employment. Hopefully, my work authorization card will be coming in the mail any day now and I'd really appreciate it if I could get a job. I'm not asking for my dream job or anything. I just want to work five days a week, hopefully utilize some of the skills I've learned in school, make a decent salary and if we could do margaritas with the co-workers every now and then, that would be awesome.

Secondly, you're a pretty important year when it comes to politics and I would absolutely hate to see you go down the path that your buddies 2000 and 2004 did. Man, what were they thinking? That being said, here's to hoping that you Barack the Vote in 2008. It's time for a change and I'm a firm believer that he's the man America needs.

Hmmmm, what else? Oh! Movies. You know, on the cinema front, 2008? You're looking pretty good already. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (which totally sounds like a Zelda title, thus making it even cooler), Harold and Kumar 2 and The Dark Knight (in IMAX, nonetheless!!)? You've barely begun and you've already outdone yourself! Looks like I'm going to be spending lots of time at the movies this year. Do they sell Coke Zero at the concession stand? I hope so.

Anyway, my other hopes for our relationship this year are pretty simple: I want this to be a great year for music. I want Dan and I to move into our own place. I want to find really amazing local tapas, Indian, Greek and Lebanese food. I want to make lots of indelible memories with Dan. I want to see my family and friends more. I want to write more, read more, work out more and become a better cook. I want a cuter wardrobe (more frocks and bright cheery colors) but more than anything else -- I want the people I love to be happy. I want them to be healthy and lucky. I want them to eat well and laugh often. I want them to know they are loved and accomplish everything they dream of doing. In short -- I want them to have a fabulous time with you.

That's about it. I'm really looking forward to getting to know you better. In the words of Jack Johnson, "I can tell that we are going to be friends."




Peace in the Middle East and everywhere else.

Lots of love!

Jaime xx