There's no place like home

I don't have many Christmas traditions but every year, I insist on watching The Wizard of Oz before December 25. I've noticed a pattern in which I have a much better holiday the years I watch the movie than years I don't.

So, last night while watching TV, Dan and I had the following conversation:

Dan: We better watch The Wizard of Oz before we leave for Florida.
Jaime: Why? It'll be on TNT like, eighty times before Christmas.
Dan: Yeah, but I'm not risking a plane crash because we didn't watch your Christmas movie.

The fact that I'm utterly unhinged has finally infected my poor fiance.

Everyone together now -- "I could while away the hours/Conferring with the flowers/Consulting with the raaainnn...."

So, I'm feeling....

- Like I got into a fight with Mike Tyson (I Will Eat Your Children Mike, not Singing Phil Collins Songs In The Hangover Mike) in which his weapon of choice was a tire iron and mine was a kitten.

- Like a sumo wrestler is sitting on my neck.

- Like I'd probably marry the man who showed up with a hot buttered multigrain bagel (sorry, babe). Or a veggie fajita salad from Chipotle. That would be pretty great too.

- Like Fatty McButterpants.

- Like I need to own more cocktail rings. Preferably, one of those kickass plastic rose rings in a pretty shade of pink or yellow. Of course, I'm completely ignoring fact that they would probably look totally stupid on my child-sized hands.

- That I want to travel more. I've got these travel guides on my Google Docs -- a list of cities I want to visit and all the things I want to do when I get there. Frommers, they are not. My top three things to do in Austin, Texas -- visit the Stevie Ray Vaughan statue at Lady Bird Lake, visit Antone's nightclub and eat at Juan in a Million. Huevos rancheros, margaritas and mmmmmmigas!

- Like I need to reiterate the Fatty McButterpants thing.

- Like the U.S. is going to get their asses handed to them when they play England in the World Cup.

- That Tish and Billy Ray Cyrus are negligent halfwits for allowing their 17-year-old to get a tattoo under her breast.

He'll rip through us like tin foil!

So, how was your day?

We got into an accident this morning.

Thankfully, all parties involved are fine, but hearing your car crinkle like tin foil at 8:00 a.m.? There are better ways to start the morning.

It happened really quickly and the only thing I remember is thinking, "Oh my God. We're not stopping."

Damn you, forward momentum.

Thinking about it messes me up a little because I'm a big fan of playing the What-If game. The game in which you torment yourself by asking what if -- what if we hasn't been wearing our seatbelts and had flown through the windshield? What if the airbag had deployed and injured us? What if we'd been going faster? What if Dan was seriously hurt? What if it was worse?

That last one messes me up the most. That's the one that brews a tempest in my stomach, causes my heart to clench and stings my eyes with salty tears.

We were lucky. Nothing happened that can't be fixed. But the security of that knowledge doesn't stop me from playing the game.

I'm trying to laugh to keep from crying, though. For example -- this morning, Dan and I were dropped off to work in a police car and the entire ride to the office, people kept ogling us, wondering what two young professionals had done so early in the morning as to be stuck in the back of a cruiser. It was pretty amusing. Also, police cars? Not nearly as comfortable as I expected. Instead of cushioned seat, it's hard plastic that you slide around on whenever you make a turn. I imagine it's probably the least fun ever if you're drunk.

Here's to hoping your day was better than ours and that ours gets a little better.

Drive safe.

Running Commentary Wednesday - 12/2/09

Welcome to Running Commentary Wednesday. Here's the lowdown -- I am totally barefaced as I woke up late this morning and didn't have time to do my make-up, it's not even 9:00 and I've already launched into a Diet Dr. Pepper and I've got (Christmas) Baby Please Come Home stuck in my head.

8:03: Not stopping for coffee was a terrible mistake. Also a terrible mistake -- waking up late and realizing you have no defrosty windshield wiper fluid.

8:41: So, I've been thinking more and more about getting a tattoo. This is usually the sort of reckless decision made in your early twenties after one too many Jagerbombs, but I think it's time to put my crippling fear of needles aside and get some ink. The only idea I've go so far is a tattoo on my right wrist that reads 'Writer' but I've got two issues with that:

A) Holy pretension, Batman! Seriously -- what kind of douchebag has 'writer' tattooed on their body? There are only two ways I could justify this:
1) If I publish a piece of literature that outsells the combined total of the Bible, Harry Potter, Twilight and every John Grisham novel ever published.
2) If I somehow manage to become Ernest Hemingway. Papa was a bad-ass who could get away with something like this.
B) A tattoo on the wrist sounds particularly painful. More so than mostly anywhere else on one's body. Also, a wrist tattoo would probably be harder to cover up in a professional setting. But on the plus side, the skin on my wrists will probably never change.

Any suggestions/recommendations? Do you have tattoos yourself? How did you decide what to get? Do you regret the decision now?

9:08: In less temporary body modification news, I'm finally getting my hair done this weekend. I really want this (partially because I have a total crush on Rashida Jones. I mean, she's smart, funny, talented, gorgeous and she dated John Krasinski. What's not to like?)



but get the feeling I won't be able to pull it off, so instead -- caramel brown with honey-colored highlights. Hopefully, it'll look as delicious as it sounds.

9:20: So, there's been some controversy about Kate Moss', "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels," comment. To which, I respond, "Bitch, have you ever tried stuffing?" To which Imaginary Kate Moss Who Lives In My Head responds, "No, but I can you have..." and proceeds to poke my hips with a withered, bony finger. IKMWLIMH is kind of a bitch and I am in serious need of coffee and a nap because I've obviously lost my mind.

11:32: Does anyone else think that Jaimee Grubbs (Tiger Woods' alleged mistress) looks like a third-rate Shakira impersonator?

11:38: Dan and I made an executive decision not to put up a Christmas tree this year (as neither of us will really be around for the holidays) and I think that, coupled with the fact that we did all of our Christmas shopping online and that I've yet to indulge in a delicious red cup beverage, are affecting my sense of holiday spirit. Hopefully, it'll come rushing in full force when we hit up the Magic Kingdom later this month. If Disney can't get you feeling holly-jolly, you might very well be dead inside.

12:35: Dear Baby might just be the sweetest blog I've ever read. It's the weirdest thing -- every time I read an entry, I hear this really faint ticking noise. Hmmm....strange, that.

12:36: Calm down, Mom. Dan and I are still a little ways away from that adventure.

3:09: Why is it that the people you'd least like to see nude are the first ones to strip down to their skivvies? I just saw pictures of the Phildelphia Naked Bike Ride and I'm kind of amazed. Firstly because my puritanical sensibilities would never allow me to do such a thing --having your lumpy bits out on display for the entire city to ogle/judge? Mortifying. Utterly mortifying. And secondly, I'm amazed by the sheer number of people who are willing to rock out with their cock out/jam out with their clam out in 40 degree weather. Didn't these men watch Seinfeld? Are they unaware of shrinkage?

The Laminated List - Updated

I'm carefully peeling back the laminate and updating the list. Looking over it, I've realized three things:

A) I dig older men. 80% of my list is comprised of men within two years of 40. Since I'm almost 27, I'm OK with that. It would be way creepier if my list was comprised of dudes like Taylor Lautner and Justin Bieber (who is that kid, anyway?)

B) I dig actors. 80% of my list is comprised of men who earn their ducats pretending to be someone else.

C) I dig men named David...or a variant of.

So, without further ado, here for your pleasure (but mostly mine) is the updated Laminated List.


5.



Name: David Boreanaz
Age: 40
Occupation: Actor

I'm not a vampire fetishist. The sight of blood revolts me, I'm a big morning person, think everyone looks better with a tan and being a vegetarian, that whole carnivorous diet thing? Yeah, that ain't working. But, if I had to pick a vampire to lust after, it would be David Boreanaz's Angel. He's got a soul, he's been known to crack a funny ever now and then, he's got the sartorial taste of a gay man, he can wear a suit like no other and he could kick Sparkles' ass from here to Transylvania, no problem. Also, dude's got a killer smile. I've always been a sucker for that.


4.



Name: Dave Grohl
Age: 40
Occupation: Musician

I'm kind of conflicted on this one. Part of me wants to be his BFF -- hang out, drink beer, eat really good pizza, talk about music...and then, he starts playing music and I get the inexplicable urge to fling my boyshorts at him. Hmmm...funny, that.


3.



Name: Sam Trammell
Age: 38
Occupation: Actor

Hello new addition! Sam Trammell plays shapeshifter Sam Merlotte on True Blood and since the first episode, I've wanted to grab him, throw him down on the bar and recreate scenes from several R-rated movies. It's the hair -- sandy, salt and peppery -- and the mouth. It inspires all sorts of lascivious thoughts. Also inspiring lascivious thoughts? His butt. Not gonna lie -- it's pretty rockin'. Also rockin'? The fact that he attended both Brown and the University of Paris. Smart = sexy and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

2.



Name: John Krasinski
Age: 29
Occupation: Actor

I totally agree with Andrea -- John is the kind of guy who would get up in the middle of the night to get you a glass of water. He's handsome, he's sweet and he's uproariously funny (case in point). Emily Blunt is a lucky girl (and you know what? So am I because Dan always gets me water, he's gorgeous, sweet and makes me laugh so hard, I cry).

1.



Name: Ron Livingston
Age: 42
Occupation: Actor

And topping the list again is Ron Livingston. The mere mention of his name turns me into a blushing, utterly inarticulate slip of a girl who can do little more than grin like an idiot, play with her hair and make indecipherable noises. I essentially revert back to a seventh grader with a crush. So, what is it about Ron Livingston that lights my fire? Basically, he seems like a really decent guy. He's been in two of my favorite movies of all time (Swingers and Office Space), I like his laugh and I really like the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles. Silly, really but when have crushes (especially crushes on celebrities that you will thankfully never meet) been anything but?


And on the flip side -- a list of men who I'm attracted to for reasons that no-one can even begin to fathom but I'm going to valiantly try and explain them anyway. I.E. -- A List of Men I Wish Tiger Beat Would Make Pin-Ups For, But Obviously Won't Because They're Not Conventionally Dreamy.

Again, note the trend of older men. Not one under the age of 40! When did I start finding salt-and-pepper hair sexy? Hmmm.....

4.



Name: Jeff Garlin
Age: 47
Occupation: Actor

Yes, that Jeff Garlin. The one continually being abused by Susie Essman on Curb Your Enthusiasm as the "fat fuck." I know, I know! You're thinking, "Dude, what the fuck? Seriously?" but hear me out. Garlin has a great voice (loved him in Wall-E), he's funny, he seems quite sweet and at the end of the day, all he wants is someone to eat cheese with. I could totally be that someone.

3.



Name: Dana Gould
Age: 45
Occupation: Writer/Comedian

The first time I really noticed Dana Gould was on an episode of Real Time With Bill Maher. The conversation between Dan and I went something like this:

Jaime: Wait, that's Dana Gould?
Dan: Yeah.
Jaime: The writer from The Simpsons? That Dana Gould?
Dan: Yeah.
Jaime: Wow....He's kinda hot.
Dan: Wait, what?

And he is. He's good-looking, funny and smart (Simpsons writers are usually eggheads and Gould's got a quick political wit, which is totally sexy) -- hitting the trifecta of traits I look for in a crush.


2.



Name: Bill Simmons
Age: 40
Occupation: Writer/Columnist for ESPN

Simmons, also known as Sports Guy, is a Pats fan. This puts him just above serial killers who wear clown make-up. BUT, Bill's the exception to the rule. The man can write. And the man can spout pop culture trivia. And the man invented both the Unintentional Comedy and Vengeance Scales. And the man's starting to go a little gray which, let's be honest, looks really, really good on him.


1.



Name: Bradley Whitford
Age: 50
Occupation: Actor

So, it wasn't so much Bradley Whitford as it was Danny Tripp from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. The guy was smart, passionate, slightly tragic and witty. Oh and the way he wore his glasses atop his head? Remarkably sexy. I have no doubt that West-Wing-A-Thon 2009 (my sister and I are planning on spending Christmas doing nothing but eating and watching The West Wing) and Whitford's portrayal as Josh Lyman will do nothing but further my crush.


So, that's the list. Who's on yours?

Grace in Small Things - 10/365

1. Creative writing. The piece I'm writing is silly, peppered with profanity and will probably never see the light of day. But it's mine and I love it.

2. Skype. Not only does it allow me to actually see my parents when I speak to them, but it also enables me to stay in touch with my best friend in London. We had an hour-long discussion the other night that touched on politics, weddings, the hypersexualization of children, racism and how cute our respective significant others are. It was fantastic and I can't wait to do it again.

3. The prospect of getting together with my best friends in December and drinking gin gimlets.

4. The prospect of getting together with my sister in December and just hanging out.

5. Library book sales! They happen twice a year and because I'm a nerd of epic proportions, I look forward to them a little more than I look forward to both my birthday and Christmas. Dan and I picked up 43 books for $25. So cool.

6. Roasted carrots and rutabaga. This has become my favorite new dinnertime side. Chop up the veggies, toss with a little olive oil, salt and pepper and bake for 30 minutes at 350. I'm amazed by how something this delicious could be so easy.

7. Gap Individuals: The Artist. It smells clean yet woodsy and it's long-lasting. I love catching random whiffs of it throughout the day. It makes me smile.

8. Wawa coffee runs on cold weekend mornings. Yes, my toes freeze into little caramel icicles and the sensation of freezing rain running down my neck is horrible, but the first sip of vanilla coffee makes it all worthwhile.

Still at the end of every hard earned day people find some reason to believe

I'm not a religious person. My mom tried to raise a good little Hindu and for a while there, she did a pretty admirable job (still a vegetarian -- good job, Mom!). But then, I grew up and realized that matted hair can turn into a river just as easily as a guy can build a boat big enough for two of every species. I.E. - Not at all (Sorry, Mom).

I don't believe in one specific deity and honestly, think the whole 'one path to salvation' thing is a load of bollocks. Primarily because no-one knows for sure. Yes, there are books and scripture and angry men yelling on television but no-one has come back from the dead with irrefutable proof screaming, "No! No! Stop it! Tear down the churches, temples and mosques! We're all supposed to worship Xenu!"

A lack of belief in organized religion doesn't preclude me from having faith. I believe. Fervently. I believe in the concept of a soul. I believe that there is inherent good in almost everyone (yes, that includes utter shitbags like Glenn Beck and Michelle Malkin) and I believe in the power of music.

That last one especially.

Vonnegut, like he did with so many other things, hit the nail on the head when he said he wanted his epitaph to read: "The only proof he needed for the existence of God was music."

For the most part, scripture leaves me cold. Yes, some of it features pretty language as well as sage advice, but it doesn't really affect me. Not in any real way. Ditto religious ceremonies. They don't feel like I'm communing with the divine as much as it feels like I'm mechanically going through the motions and paying lip service.

But music? Live music, especially? Well, that's a different story. The rumble of a bassline as it snakes through the floor and into your body, the pounding volley of drums and the howl, moan, whisper, shriek and scream of the almighty electric guitar? It's the closest I've ever come to feeling even the remotest spark of the divine.

I saw Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band play the Philadelphia Spectrum last week. I've always liked Springsteen. He's a fantastic storyteller, a damn fine guitarist and one of the last few honorable men left standing in rock music.

I expected a great concert. Especially since the Spectrum (the first major venue Springsteen ever played) was being demolished before year's end.

What I didn't expect was to have this faith completely renewed and reinforced in one night.

I've seen countless musicians but none who perform with the unadulterated joy that Springsteen and E Street Band does.

I have yet to see any musician who seems to need the audience as much as Bruce. Not only does he thrive on performing, but it seems to sustain him. Performing seems to keep his heart pumping.

Being in the Spectrum that night amidst a sea of people -- all of whom were swaying, singing along and completely lost in the moment -- made me feel like I was part of something bigger and better than myself. Something brimming, if not damn near spilling over, with hope and the promise of a brighter tomorrow.

I'm not saying Springsteen is God. That honor is obviously reserved for Clapton, but what I am saying is that last week, I saw Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band in concert. And afterwards, I felt good. Filled with hope and goodwill towards my fellow man. A little more connected than I had been a mere three hours before.

I may never believe in scripture, learn a prayer by heart and actively participate in any sort of religious ceremony. But I believe in Bruce Springsteen and the potency of music...and for me, that's more than enough.

It's time for a throwback

Me and Mom, circa 1984.

Mom looks exactly the same. I do not.

Grace In Small Things - 9/365

1. 'Ask Hadley' in the Guardian's style section.

2. Hot, buttered bagels. Never really been much of a schmear kinda girl (cue the death threats from New Yorkers), but there's something really comforting and delicious about a perfectly toasted bagel with butter.

3. Cardigans. I need to own more. They're both pretty and cozy.

4. The fact that dogs get treats at the Chik-Fil-A drive thru. Last time I was there, I saw a chocolate lab leaning out of the window to get a dog biscuit while his owner picked up some human food (sidebar: waffle fries with ranch dressing and a big lemonade is truly a perfect combination). It was adorable and I strongly urge all dog owners to hit up their local Chik-Fil-A to grab some tasty treats for themselves and their pooches!

5. The fact that I've started writing again. It's this silly little fiction piece I've been batting around in my head for a while. Hardly The Great Gatsby or The Life of Pi, but fun. One of the things I love most about this is how excited I am. I'm really interested in seeing how things turn out for these characters....and then, I realize I'm the only pulling the strings. I haven't felt like this in a while.

I'm saving my sick-days till when I'm feeling better.

I've been sick for the past couple of days (just a cold and not the hye-nye...I hope) and as a result, I've been a bit of a grouchy bastard.

Bound to happen, really. I mean, my throat feel like someone vigorously attacked it with a cheese grater, my head feel like an orange on a toothpick and I have about as much energy as an extra from Dawn of the Dead. You'd be a grouchy bastard too.

So, to make up for all that bad mojo, here is a list of unrelated things that make me feel like less of a grouchy bastard and more like my cheerful, sunny self:

- The phrase 'Grouchy bastard.'
- Dan going on Wawa runs for me and coming home with hot chocolate and soft pretzels. I love that man.
- Soft pretzels from the Philly Pretzel Factory. They're even better when they're slightly burned. Mmmm....
- Hoodies, jeans and flip-flops and weather that facilitates the wearing of the aforementioned (mid 60s and sunny).
- The way sunlight sparkles through leaves.
- Realizing there is an applicable Simpsons quote for pretty much every situation.
- Any conversation with my sister.
- Finding really old mix CDs in your car -- I still love-love-love Something Corporate.
- French fries from Five Guys. Perfectly salted, crunchy and best of all, they actually taste like potatoes.
- The Guardian's Word of Mouth blog.
- The smell of cedar smoke.
- Clean-smelling cologne. We had some suits in the office a few weeks ago and while none of them were particularly attractive, they smelled amazing and actually had me swooning for a second. Chalk it up to the power of Hugo Boss.
- Boston Terriers. Especially cuddly ones with overbites



- Adam Carolla.
- The return of Fringe. I'm so glad that Joshua Jackson is back on television again.
- The B.S. Report with Bill Simmons.
- American Eagle T-Shirts. So comfy.
- Making faces with my nieces. Theirs are always so much cuter than mine.
- Balsamic vinegar drizzled on pizza.
- Listening to Norah Jones on a rainy afternoon.
- Smokey Robinson's cover of Don't Know Why.
- Forehead kisses.
- Gin cocktails.
- Charles Bukowski's poetry.
- My tumblr. It's a virtual inspiration board and I kinda love/need that.
- Andrea of Caffeinate Me. She inspired this post, she's one of my favorite bloggers and the girl has kickass taste in pretty much everything ever.

Oh ok. Down came the rain and washed the spider... oh bollocks.

Welcome to Running Commentary Friday! I think this might become a blog staple.

Let me set the stage for you -- I'm sleepy, undercaffeinated, cold and rain-soaked. Oh yeah. It's going to be a good day.

7:36: I would like to know which half-wit planned the corporate center I work in. Running through a streaming river in the pouring rain, sodding my jeans and freezing my toes is not a good way to start a Friday morning.
7:57: I love technology. Dana and I watched The Vampire Diaries "together" last night despite living 1000 miles apart. As for the show, it was a pretty solid pilot -- funny, smart, filled with pretty people and just enough teenage angst to keep things interesting. As Dana put it last night, "I want a Stefan and Damon sandwich....with Dana in the middle!" See, this is why she's one of my best friends. Well, that coupled with the fact that she's got great taste in music, always down to eat good food and makes me cackle when I laugh. Good times.
8:22: Now that England has officially qualified for the World Cup, I need to start making plans. #1 - I need to make it down to Florida to watch games with my sister and my boys (Biffle, McGillis -- I'm looking in your direction) and #2 - I need to stock up on red and white facepaint.
8:38: Speaking of red, I'm trying to determine what I'm allergic to. I have a very angry-looking, itchy red splotch on the left side of my neck. Perfume? Lotion? Either way, it's not cute.
8:57: Police officer just walked in. Mmmm....hope everything's OK. The last thing we need is a mandatory evac.
9:25: No, not again. I... why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window.
9:26: Samir is my homeboy.
9:30: Annnndddd, there's a tornado watch in effect. Awesome.
10:02: Flash flood watch until 4:00? Even better.
10:14: Mmmm....soft pretzel. I love Philly.
10:46: Yay for co-workers having babies! Congratulations, Shawn! I can't wait to see pictures of your baby boy!
12:46: Mmmm....Mediterranean orzo pasta salad.
1:07: Note to self -- do not watch The Glenn Beck Show tonight. Don't even pause on it when you're channel-surfing because the hypocrisy will cause you to stroke out. I seriously do not have a middle finger big enough for this d-bag.
1:23: As a general rule, camgirls are morons when it comes to politics. And sometimes, they're hypocrites too! Fun times!
1:47: Itchy....itchy....itchy......
1:51: Dude, the 2009 Graduation Mickey Ears aren't available? Damn it. I was going to get my sister a pair in anticipation for our Disney Graduation Extravaganza.
1:52: Any Disney rides I must hit? We've never been (and I lived in Orlando for four years, can you believe that?) and I'd appreciate the recommendations.
3:09: Who is making popcorn? It smells like a movie theater and I'm salivating like one of Pavlov's pooches. Although, you know what? Not really a fan of movie theater popcorn anymore. It tastes different now than it did when I was a kid. Less delicious, more styrofoam peanutty. And Golden Topping? What the effery is that? Firstly, golden is not a flavor and what the hell is it? It's some sort of dubious liquid that may as well be motor oil and people drench their food with it. Blech. They should sell kettle corn in movie theaters. That would be awesome.
3:40: I'm delivering board books. Here's to hoping my craptastic sense of direction fails me spectacularly.
4:17: Eff you in the eye, Mapquest. Why are so you insistent on giving me the longest, most inefficient route possible?
4:38: Jamison Parker's cover of Everybody Wants To Rule The World rules!
4:47: Dude, how am I lost on a driveway? Jesus, where is this house anyway?
4:49: Holy mother of God...she lives in a museum.
4:58: I. Hate. Unpaved. Roads.
5:10: Sweatpants and a t-shirt from 1998 = Awesome.

Grace in Small Things - 8/365

1. My sister's graduation present. Dan and I are taking her to the Magic Kingdom. I can't wait!

2. Sam Trammell who plays Sam Merlotte on True Blood. I really, really want to smooch him. Really.



I have dreams about it and everything. He tastes like Jack and Coke. My dreams are Vivid (and yes, that's intentional capitalization because I'm cheeky).

3.New drinks at Starbucks. I'm pretty straightforward when it comes to my drink order - nonfat, no whip vanilla latte, but this weekend, I tried both the Pumpkin Spice chai and the espresso truffle and now, I am in love. So good.

4. Ploughman's Pickle sandwiches. English, totally delicious (despite that face Dan made when he opened the jar for me and took a whiff of the pickley goodness within) and available for me to munch on at all times since I bought a jar of the stuff at Wegman's. Mmmm...English food.

5. Cinnamon-Struesel candles burning in a clean apartment.

6. Supernatural. Dan picked up the first season on DVD yesterday and we blew through three episodes by bedtime. It's like a younger X-Files that focuses less on little green men and more on things that go bump in the night. Smart, well-written and legitimately creepy. I'm a fan.

I got married at the Chapel O' Love....?!

Dan and I had another conversation about weddings last night and it ended where it always ends -- up in the air.

The wedding industrial complex is a money-hungry beast intent on devouring every last red cent you have...and unbelievably enough, people are more than willing to feed it.

There's the ceremony, the location for the reception, the caterer, the open bar, the DJ, the rings, the dress, the suit, the invitations, the flowers, the photographer, the favors and a litany of other things I'm sure I'm forgetting.

According to CostofWedding.com, the average price of a wedding in my zip code is between $39,164 and $65,274.

What. The. Fuck?

That's a salary. That's actually more than a salary to some people. And it all goes towards one day.

Wow...

So, let's do a line by line breakdown of how much it would cost for your neighborhood friendly blogger to get married, shall we?

Ceremony: Dan and I would actually save money here since we're planning a completely secular union. Not holding the ceremony in a church or paying a pandit to tell us when to walk around a fire = cash in pocket. Sweet. Of course, we might regret this decision when we're roasting in the fiery pits of hell or when we're reincarnated as tapeworms, but for right now -- we're golden.

Reception Location: Our biggest problem here is finding a convenient location for both his family (who live in Pennsylvania) and my family (who live in Florida). Initially, I thought Florida would work as a viable option because his family could come for the wedding and stay for the theme parks. However, once I realized how inconvenient (and expensive) it would be for me to tour the facility and meet with caterers, DJs and photographers - I put the kibosh on it. A good location is also pretty costly -- most I've seen start at $1000 and it's more if you want to get married on a weekend (which we do).

CostofWedding.com says:

$1,680-$2,800

Caterer: We need a caterer who cooks good vegetarian food. When half of your guests are vegetarians, a pasta and grilled veggie plate just isn't going to cut it. If I was definitely getting married in Philly, I would have Palace at the Ben cater the affair -- not only would they make the Indian contingent happy, but their rates are 50% less than most other caterers.

$65 a person (non-vegetarian catering) x 60 = $3,900
$25 a person (vegetarian) x 40 = $1000

Total: $4,900

Open Bar: No question about it, you need an open bar at your wedding. No bar = no fun = everyone hates you = you die alone and friendless. While I'm a big advocate of getting my friends and family hammered, it's an expensive endeavor. Remember that time you got bombed on Jager and bought everyone a round? Times that by 100. Yeah.

CostofWedding.com says:

$3,059-$5,098

The DJ: Any DJ who relies on the Chicken Dance and the Electric Slide should be taken out back and drowned in a puddle. I don't need Steve Aoki or Samantha Ronson to spin at my wedding, but I want someone who can effortlessly segue between Motown, classic rock, pop, the standards and R&B. I'm totally serious about that Chicken Dance thing, by the way. I fully plan on having a ClearChannel-esque Do Not Play list and God help the poor bastard if he ignores it. I'll stab him with the cake topper.

CostofWedding.com says:

$864-$1,436

The Rings: I don't need something from Tiffany's and I'm pretty sure Dan doesn't either.

CostofWedding.com says:

Bride: $1,367-$2,278
Groom: $1,098-$1,831

Total: $2,465 (if we went with the cheapest option)

Wardrobe: In a perfect world, this would be my wedding dress:

Unfortunately, this is the real world and in the real world, I am not BFF with John Galliano. Damn.

$395 for this dress
$350 for accessories (shoes and jewelry)
$400 for Dan's suit
$200 for accessories (tie, cufflinks, shoes)
Hair (according to CostofWedding): $102-$170
Make-Up: (according to CostofWedding): $81-$135
Manicure/Pedicure (according to CostofWedding): $66-110

Total: $1,594 (if we went with the cheapest options)

Invitations: I'm picky when it comes to typography and graphic design, so I want cool invitations. Not cardstock with garish Lucida text screaming at me. Two of the best ones I've seen online feature a pretzel twisted into the shape of a heart (so Philly) and one that resembles the tracklist of a mix-tape. Awesome and original. In addition to invitations, you also need place cards and thank you cards. Sorry, Rainforest.

CostofWedding says:

Invitations: $356-$594
Place Cards: $19.99 at moo.com
Thank You Cards: $98-$164

Total: $473.99 (if we went with the cheapest options)

Flowers: I'm not a flower person at all. I have a black thumb, not a green one and don't really see the point of having a bouquet. That nets us a saving of $196-$327 (and sidebar: for flowers?! Seriously?! They're going to die in less than 24 hours!)

Photographer: Another thing I'm picky about. I took a photography class in college and realized there's way more to it than pointing and shooting. It's incredibly technical and a good photographer is hard to find. Besides, if this is themostimportantdayofyourlife®, you probably want to be well-lit.

CostofWedding says:

$1,875-$3,124

Favors: We're doing mix CDs of music heard at the wedding as well as a few of our favorite tracks. Why? It's personal, cheap and honestly, no-one really cares about those crappy little candles.

100 Blank CDs: $30
100 CD Jewel Cases: $36.99

Total: $66.99

So, the grand total for our wedding so far:

Location: $1,680
Food: $4,900
Bar: $3,059
DJ: $864
Rings: $2,465
Wardrobe: $1,594
Invitations/Paper Goods: $473.99
Photographer: $1,875
Favors: $66.99

Grand Total: $16,977.98...and that's leaving a whole bunch of stuff out (gifts for the wedding party, save-the-date magnets, airfare if we hold the wedding in Florida...).

Seventeen thousand dollars.

The financial burden usually falls on the bride's family, but this bride-to-be? My parents are small business-owners in a lousy economy. They've got a mortgage and car payments like everyone else. You really think I'm going to ask them to pony up $17K? Come on, that's a dick move.

So, $17,000+. We could buy a new car, put some money down for a house, buy awesome new furniture, travel around Europe or we could have a wedding. I realize that when you get married, you get some of the money back but this isn't Goodfellas. We're not going be making $17K back. No way.

Do I want a wedding? Yes.
Can I afford one? No.

Life's tough. Get a helmet.

Fat Elvis impersonator, here we come....

Herman Melville was such an overlooked nobody when he was alive that when he died, his obituary reported his name as Henry Melville

"I'm a rock critic. I also write and record music. I write poetry, fiction, straight journalism, unstraight journalism, beatnik drivel, mortifying love letters, death threats to white jazz critics signed "The Mau Maus of East Harlem," and once a year my own obituary (latest entry: "He was promising...")." - Lester Bangs.

While I am not a rock critic nor musician, I do consider myself a writer. I write fiction, scripts, straight journalism, blog posts, television recaps about truly awful shows, poetry so bad it would impress the Vogons, frothing, foaming emails about how I would like advocates of creationism to be consumed by a hoard of rabid, starving raptors and notes inside greeting cards which fall just short of being clever.

As Mr. Bangs' work is inclined to do, it got me thinking.

I've read entirely too many of my high school classmates' obituaries and I'm struck by two things.

One -- I'm way too young to be reading an obit for someone who sat behind me in biology class.
Two -- Obits are, as a general rule, total bullshit.

They're soft-focus memories of a person coupled with generic writing that could be about anyone. I'm sure they're done with the best intentions and can be comforting in times of grief, but I'd much rather memorialize someone for a unique attribute (like wearing plaid golf pants every day in eighth grade) than the fact that he was an accountant.

So, I'm taking a page out of Bangs' book and writing my own.

Am I tempting fate by doing this? I hope not. I want to live to be an old woman with skin like paper with a penchant for wearing Pucci caftans and making great cookies (I'm still working on the cookie thing and you know I've realized? The doughboy is my homeboy).

Is it morbid to write your own obit? Sure, but I think I know myself better than anyone else does and I'd much rather go out in my own words than anyone else's.

If Twitter Wasn't Firewalled...

Here's what I'd be saying.

And yes, I realize that I could just as easily Twitter from my Blackberry, but I stil haven't gotten used to the keys and predictive texting makes me want to punch cute little woodland creatures. In the face. Repeatedly.
So anyway....

9:40: Dan just sent me the following:



Steven Tyler looks horrible.

9:40: To which I responded:



Steven Tyler looks like Rachel Zoe in ten years.

Seriously – dude looks like a lady….who lunches on Palm Beach Island.

9:41: In all honesty, though? I wish I could dress like Rachel Zoe. On me, though? It would definitely look like Drunken Palm Beach Lady Who Lunches.
10:08: I want a huge cup of coffee.
10:08: 20 oz. Frosty Cold. Illy. One Cream. Two Brown Sugars.
10:09: Oooh....and a bagel! Multigrain with butter.
10:10: From here - Brooklyn Water Bagels. I can't wait for Christmas in South Florida!
11:04: Spend 15 minutes composing a mini travel guide for a co-worker's trip to London. I should be in London right now - Wandering city streets, spending entirely too much time in museums and used bookstores, hanging out with the Trans-Atlantic Best Friend and eating Ploughman's Pickle sandwiches at an absurd rate (and yes, I know Twitter would have punted me a long time ago for exceeding the 140 character limit, but since I'm using Google Docs, I see no need to be slavish to the form. And by the by? Google Docs? I love you. You're totally my BFFE!)
11:20: I think about food a lot.
11:29: I just spent three minutes spelling 'org' on the phone. That's a minute a letter. It shouldn't be that hard...
11:34: And we're back to food again thanks to this article. Crisp sandwiches, tons of cheese, frozen peas, fried spaghetti and marmite? Definitely my people.
12:03: According to Twilight, the smell of Bella's blood gives Edward a vamp woody. That being said, what happens when during Bella's 'time of the month'? Priapism? Anyone care to shed some light on this -- Stephanie Meyer, Dana, Joss Whedon, Alan Ball, Kevin Williamson....?
1:24: Megan Fox as Catwoman in Nolan's next Batman installment? I call shenanigans.
1:25: I mean, there's no way Nolan would ever cast her. She sucks.
1:27: There go the wet dreams of a thousand men...
2:15: Why does the office smell like a Cosmo? The drink, not the magazine or the Seinfeld character.
3:27: I have Under My Thumb by The Rolling Stones stuck in my head.
3:40: Just help decorate my co-worker's office with pictures of cartoon pickles. I love my office.
4:15: Knock off in ten and then, quality time with Raymond Chandler while I wait for Dan.

Grace in Small Things - 7/365

1. Finding $20 in a library book!
2. My So-Called Life on Hulu. Watching this show makes me wish I had attended a Northeastern high school in the early 90s.
3. Rainbow cookies....which are actually more like mini cakes than cookies. I especially like the kind make with raspberry preserves. Fabulous!



4. Kings of Leon.
5. The return of Top Chef and Season Five pool - Pick your favorite cheftestant and if they make it all the way -- you go out to Happy Hour and everyone buys you drinks! Best. Game. Ever. Although, if I win -- everyone gets off easy. I'm a featherweight.
6. The Goonies. Dan and I saw a midnight screening in Philly a few weeks ago and it was incredible! Definitely in my top ten of all time.

You fail at the internet. See also: Life.

For the past few months, this woman has been cc'ing me about this trip to Russia -- some student program out of Massachusetts involving presentations and meetings and all sorts of mundane stuff I really don't care about.

It's obviously a case of mistaken identity, so I've emailed her a few times stating that I'm not the intended recipient of this email chain and I'd really appreciate it if she take me off this list.

I get another email from her yesterday and within the hour, five more people had hit 'reply all', flooding my inbox with information I do not need, do not want and do not care about.

My response: "Please please please please please take me off this list."

Lots of pleases because I'm English and all about minding my Ps and Qs.

I get an email back from her today saying, "I don’t think you got this information. We really do need to meet this other Jaime, but boy does she seem like a bi...."

Genius that she is (keep in mind she's an educational program director) - she sent this to the Other Jaime . I.E. -- Me.

Awesome! Nothing like being roundly insulted by a stranger to get your weekend off to a good start!

Firstly, I'm shocked that there's someone else out there with the same name as me. Google only brings back hits that relate to me.

Secondly, if you're going to insult someone over email -- shouldn't you double-check the address? I mean, seriously.

This women is the director of a higher-level education program. I weep for the future...

Dear Carrie Bradshaw

Hi!

I'm Jaime and I'm a huge fan.

Granted, I find your punny writing somewhat obnoxious, think you're batshit insane for picking any man over Ron Livingsto...I mean, Jack Berger, have no idea how you possibly subsidize your Manolo-and-kickass-NYC-Brownstone life on a columnist's salary (I'm guessing you're probably spending lots of time underneath Republican politicians) and think some of your sartorial choices are truly wanky. Case in point:



The Dirndl dress. Really, Carrie? Really? And sidebar, this picture is 66.6 kb and I totally think that's a sign, but anyway -- apart from all that...

....OK. OK, so I'm not a huge fan, but I have a shoe dilemma and honestly, can you think of a better person to help me than a fictional fashionista with a shoe fetish?

That's what I thought.

I need a pair of boots with the following specifications:

- Affordable - $50 or less.
- Preferably black.
- Small heel -- I don't want to go completely flat because I'm pocket-sized as is and I don't want sky-high heels because I'm not a hooker.
- Relatively comfortable - because I'll be wearing them for nine hours a day.
- Suitable to wear with both jeans and business casual
- Mid-calf length - no booties, no ankle boots, no knee-highs.

So, there's your mission. Good luck and if you happen to see Berger around, send him my way. I've got a thing or two I wanna show that guy....

Thanks!

Lots of love:

Jaime xx

Grace In Small Things - 6/365

1. Finding a cute birthday present for my sister. I just hope she finds it as adorable as I do.

2. Stirrings Lemon Drop Mixer + tonic water + passion fruit flavored vodka on the rocks. I'm calling it a Sunsplash and suggesting everyone try one.

3. December 16-29 in Florida. I'm stoked!

4. The B.S. Report with Bill Simmons. Perfect for the treadmill because before you know it, you've listened to the entire podcast, laughed your ass off and managed to sneak in a pretty good work-out. Thanks, Sports Guy!

5. Sweet-Spicy-Salty Oyster Crackers -- my favorite new snack. Here's the recipe. I don't have pictures because they're never around long enough for me to actually take them.

Ingredients

1 cup oyster crackers
1 tablespoon canola oil
Pinch of cumin seeds
Pinch of salt (to taste but be careful because oyster crackers are kinda salty to begin with)
Pinch of sugar (to taste but be careful because if you add too much, the sugar will burn, stick to the bottom of the pan and you'll end up with an inedible mess instead of a tasty snack)
Pinch of hot cayenne pepper (to taste but again be careful because you know what's awesome? Not searing off all of the taste receptors in your mouth)

Directions

Heat oil in saucepan.
Once hot, add cumin seeds and let sizzle (this takes a few minutes).
Add cayenne pepper and let sizzle.
Add salt and sugar and shake mixture.
Add oyster crackers and fold until crackers are covered in spice mixture.
Turn off heat and let sit for two or three minutes.
Enjoy!

Serve with a cold drink and good movie/television show.

Fall Scene

Fall Scene, originally uploaded by LB2556.

I have been living in the north entirely too long because I'm actually looking forward to fall.

Me -- the girl of perpetual summer (although I do love Florida winters - hoodies and flip-flops ♥)

A nip in the air that makes you snuggle deeper into your hoodie, running around with Ryely on sun-splashed chilly days, seasonal hot coffee, the bright blush of the leaves, football season, the way the stars seem brighter and more crystalline in cold weather, wearing boots (when have I ever favored boots over flip-flops? Pennsylvania, what are you doing to me?), sweatpants, new fall television (Dollhouse and Fringe come back!), Thanksgiving, sleeping in on cold Sunday mornings and cuddling under the covers.

It's been a great summer and it's going to be a lovely fall...

Grace In Small Things - 5/365

Today has been a rough one and since I'm all emotional disheveled, I figure I should take stock of the good things.

1. Homemade pizza. I've found that it tastes so much better than take-out.

2. My cute new scarf from Forever 21.



3. 500 Days of Summer. Honest, funny, sharp and well-written with an incredible soundtrack, it's the best movie I've seen this year and it makes me want to move to Los Angeles so, so badly...



4. Boots Mint, Melon and Sugar Body Scrub - It smells like candy and results in smooth, seriously moisturized skin. Best of all, it's available at Target! God, I love that store.

5. Why Georgia by John Mayer feat. Brad Paisley -- Love the original, but love the cover even more.

John Mayer and Brad Paisley - Why Georgia (Live)


It makes me feel safe, if that makes any sense at all.

1095 Days of Love

The perfect anniversary is spent wandering around the Philadelphia Art Museum -- falling in love with the paintings, the architecture and your guy, all over again. It's little moments that make your day - singing together in the car - kinda off-key, Illy coffee in 85 degree heat, an Edward Hopper print, sitting on the steps, looking out at Old City and not wanting to be anywhere else in the world.

It's Turkish food in a secluded oasis - cold mezes, rich olive oil, flaky baskets of phyllo and the best falafel in the city. It's being with a guy who indulges your culinary whims, despite being a meat and potatoes man.



It's 500 Days of Summer in the popcorn-scented darkness, the taste of real Coca-Coca, holding hands and developing respective crushes on Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon Levitt. It's parking garage kisses and heat lightning. It's summer storms, giggling in the car and running in from the rain.

It's 1095 days of love and knowing that there are so many more to come.

Happy anniversary, pookie. I love you. Always will.

My sister and I should be in charge of programming at MTV

Sarika: Oh Christ. How are birthers getting so much airtime?!
Jaime: I don't know -- I mean, why are we even legitimizing their bullshit? I'm just going to start making up baseless rumors.
Sarika: Seriously, you'll get on cable news in minutes
Jaime: Sean Hannity was born a black woman in antebellum Mississippi

Sarika: Nah, stick with unknown repubs, get them some airtime. That dude who was on the Real World is running for the house as a conservative republican that's actually true
Jaime: NO WAY!
Sarika: yep, the one from boston season. the guy who was a lumberjack
Jaime: Oh! Sean!
Sarika: http://3pts.wordpress.com/2009/07/02/ashland-county-district-attorney-sean-duffy-likely-to-run-for-congress/
Jaime: He married Rachel from RW 3 -- the Cuban Republican
Sarika: oh geez, well, he's running against a popular republican so he'll probably lose
Jaime: I don't know -- people are stupid and easily lead
Sarika: popular democrat* sorry
Jaime: Especially young people
Sarika: also, apparently, a lot of people in DC are pissed about the real world cast being there
Jaime: Although that season was a while ago, so who knows? They might not even know him!
Sarika: Probably, considering that he didn't have a three way in a hot tub while trying to further his rap career
Jaime: Career? Please! You know how much money those idiots make on the lecture circuit?
Sarika: Wait, seriously? Why the hell would anyone want them to lecture about ANYTHING?
Jaime: Go on real world and then, bum around for the next ten years doing club appearances and lectures

Sarika: Part of me wants to go on the show and just ruin things
Jaime: Yep -- they visit colleges all over the place and talk about their experiences. How so?
Sarika: like when people are having an argument go into the room and start singing or yelling loudly. that'll piss not only the roommates off, but the editors too.
Jaime: Start stumping for some insane political ideal -- "WHIG PARTY FOREVER!"
Sarika: so they can't use the footage
Jaime: Or just use a bunch of copyrighted terms -- "Oh Coca-Cola! You ARE the real thing!""Nike, you Just Do It better than the rest!"
Sarika: And paint things on the walls, like arbitrary political slogans -"Tippecanoe and Tyler too!""McGovern 72!"
Jaime: I Like Ike!
Sarika: Now you're getting it!
Jaime: God, that would be my favorite season ever
Sarika: I want to make it impossible to use any of my footage. And then ruin others' on air time
Jaime: Also, you should ask the blindingly obvious questions that the audience is screaming at the television - "So, hooked up with a married guy, huh? How's that being a whore thing treating you?"
Sarika: "Why are you yelling about a Snapple? is it because the camera is there?"
Jaime: "It's a good thing they're blurring your genitals because they're embarrassingly small."
Sarika: "do you really think your rap career will succeed? you're not very good.""no, NOT using a condom is the number one contributor to pregnancy"
Jaime: "You're just kissing that girl to get back at your father for not being around..."
Sarika: "why are you talking about gay marriage? you're completely politically uninformed. do you even know who your congressman is?"

Sarika: have you noticed that people's names on that show are getting more and more strange?
Jaime: Oh sweet Jesus, they're SO bad
Sarika: Khymmberlie. I made that up, but it is possible
Jaime: Ayiiaa. I didn't make that one up
Sarika: This season, i saw a commercial for it, there's a girl named Aiyaa. Yeah! Something like that, I knew it. TOO MANY VOWELS
Jaime: Cohutta. I KNOW!
Sarika: Brawny! That's an adjective!
Jaime: The quilted quicker picker upper or Connecticut WASP? You decide!
Sarika: I want there to be people who are in school on that show or working
Jaime: Kaia -- whose real name was Margaret. Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret. God, I'm tired of being a chubby outcast. Can you turn me into a pseudo-intellectual bulimic hipster with a ridiculous name?
Sarika: prayer answered
Jaime: I want that show to return to its roots -- first season, they lived in a cool loft, actually talked about things besides sex and had some diversity. Now? Generic hot people all vying for STDs and camera time
Sarika: I am going to go on now. i won't smoke, drink, or cause any drama. i will be non confrontational, but will paint copyrighted slogans everywhere and will play mind games with everyone by being entirely normal. i will find a job and ruin this show.
Jaime: Also, you can sing Prince songs EVERY time you're on camera. He's a litigious little leprechaun. They'll never be able to air that footage.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person

I love you, Nala girl. You were my stinky little princess and I'm going to miss you like crazy.

And honestly, how heartbreaking is that turtles live for 100 years and dogs only live for 15?

Rest in peace, girl. I'll be seein' ya...

Grace in Small Things - 4/365

1. Cute new green and silver flip flops
2. Making anniversary plans -- Turkish food, the Art Museum....
3. The public library. I cannot stress how much I love the public library. I was there for two hours yesterday and picked up two Bourdain books (No Reservations and The Nasty Bits), The Last Tycoon by F. Scott Fitzgerald, Don't You Forget About Me by Jancee Dunn (I have a crush on pretty much every Rolling Stone writer), The Best Food Writing - 2007, Not Remotely Controlled by Lee Siegel and The Sharper The Knife, The Less You Cry by Kathleen Flinn. I've already finished the last one. Good times.
4. Momiji Dolls



They're ridiculously cute.
5. Lunch for one -- sitting in the sunshine, reading and munching on Cosi's flatbread hummus sandwiches. I need to do this more often.
6. Watching Goodfellas with Dan and talking about the mob and its culture of violence.

Why don't you come up and see me sometime...?

excuse me, miss? i'll have another., originally uploaded by JKönig.

Hello lover...

Grace in Small Things - 3/365

1. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip on DVD
2. Jordan McDeere as a style icon.



3. Breakfast and a movie -- More fun and less trite than dinner and a movie. Also, way more recession-friendly.
4. Justin Bartha and Bradley Cooper all suited-up in The Hangover. Yes please!
5. New episodes of No Reservations on the Travel Channel starting tonight.

Grace in Small Things - 2/365

1. Good Girls Go Bad by Cobra Starship

Cobra Starship - New Music - More Music Videos

2. Food blogs -- especially Lottie + Doof and Homesick Texan
3. The prospect of making mini quiches for dinner
4. Goodreads.com -- have an account? Let me know about it!
5. Seedless green grapes straight out of the fridge

I can't stop drinking the coffee, I stop drinking the coffee, I stop doing the standing and walking and the words putting into sentence doing.

Every summer, I designate a cocktail for the season. Summer 2008, it was Absolut Pears and Sprite and this year, I'm kicking it old-school by ordering Tom Collins' at pretty much every bar I hit. Yes, I am an old man.

However, my non-alcoholic sponsor for summer since 2004 has been iced coffee. I got addicted to it in London where I'd slug down iced mochas and then, spend the day running around the city with my sister and my best friend. It was awesome.

My iced coffee needs are simple -- I don't need Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts (I'm not really a fan of either, anyway). Nothing cold-dripped or made Vietnamese style (although that does sound delicious), just regular coffee brewed up and dropped in the fridge overnight to chill.

So, last Thursday, I made myself a tumbler to take into work. It was perfect - rich and strong with a little sugar and vanilla. Add a couple of ice cubes and some half-and-half and I'm in love.

I drank about half the tumbler and left the rest in the fridge, figuring I could grab some when I came into the office on Tuesday.

I get in this morning, looking forward to my jolt of caffeine and sugar. I fling open the fridge door, reach in and grab....nothing.

My coffee is gone. Tumbler and all. Dub tee eff.

The GD Scale: Office Edition

1. Using tired cliches like, "Working hard or hardly working?" Really, dude? Really?
2. Using the last of the paper in the copier/fax machine and not replacing it. It takes all of three seconds and makes life easier for the next five people who use the machine.
3. Not using the Outlook calendar. It makes your life so easy. Why wouldn't you use it?
4. Making stinky food in the communal microwave and having the entire office reek of substandard beef lo mein for hours afterwards. I'm not judging. I love stinky food -- onions, garlic, gorgonzola... -- but there's a time and a place. And that place is not the office.
5. Swiping the cute assistant's coffee from the fridge. The cute assistant needs her iced coffee. It keeps her cheerful and perky and totally able to deal with people who call and ask point blank, "Is she there yet?" (Ummm, who?)

Sp tonight, I'm making a new batch and if it gets swiped this time, heads will roll...and by heads will roll, I mean I'll gripe to anyone who will listen, make that crinkly nose face I make and close the book on the thing by blogging.

I'm not very hardcore.

Grace In Small Things - 1/365

1. Making travel plans with my sister -- Seattle, Chicago, New York....

2. Open windows and warm summer breezes.

3. Crusty bread with olive oil and balsamic vinegar

4. Organix Soft and Silky Vanilla Silk Serum

5. True Blood on HBO

He's got enough self-esteem issues being a Chihuahua, Mom.

Dan and I were discussing Mark Sanford this morning:

Dan: Did you hear he said this Argentinian woman is his soul mate?
Me: He's a douche. He claims that marriage is sacred and was yelling for Clinton's blood and it turns out, he's doing the exact same thing. There's something very wrong with him.
Dan: I believe him.
Me: You do? You really think this woman is his soul mate?
Dan: Yeah. I mean, what if I had met someone who was nice and pretty and that I got along with just fine...
(At this point, I start thinking, "Oh God! He's talking about me! I'm the nice girl!")
Dan: ....and then, I met you. I couldn't stay with that woman knowing I belong with you.

This proves several things:

A) I have pitiful self-esteem. Seriously.
B) Dan is a lot more diplomatic than I am.
C) Dan is the sweetest guy ever. He wasn't being obsequious or saying this to get brownie points (which are insanely easy to earn with me because I am so damn susceptible to flattery). It was a simple statement of fact akin to water is wet...and that's why it meant so much.

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

Dan: I love making you laugh. It's like crack for me.

Apparently, I became quite giggly at the marina bar yesterday. I think it was less the alcohol and more the fact that Dan just happens to be a pretty funny guy.

Tag! You're it!

What is your current obsession? Iced coffee


(Photo by That Edit Girl)

- Dispatches From The Island - Jorge Garcia's Blog, Being Red, scrapbooking and summer craftiness.

What's for dinner? Burgers...although they were nowhere near as delicious as Spence's sliders. Every burger should be made of lentils and served with hunks of avocado.


(photo by: aloalosabine)

What's the last thing you bought? Scrapbook paper, cardstock, stickers and peanut M&Ms.

What are you listening to right now? The Beach Boys and Kings of Leon's Sex on Fire.

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go? A coffee shop with my sister. I need to rant, gossip and imbibe in caffeine.



What's your favorite quote (for now)?

"The reason I'm running for president is because I can't be Bruce Springsteen." -- Barack Obama.

"Imagination will often carry us to worlds that never were. But without it we go nowhere.” -- Dr. Carl Sagan.

What's your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe? My green polka-dot skirt.

What's your dream job? Writing/Blogging.

What's your worst habit? I have so many -- I'm terrible about returning phone calls, I pick at my nails and I spend entirely too much time online.

Do you admire anyone's style? Lauren Conrad



Nicole Richie



Diane Von Furstenberg



Describe your personal style? I'm a jeans, t-shirt and flip-flops kind of girl and oftentimes, it looks like the only reason I wear clothes is to prevent myself from being arrested. I need buckets of cash and a less cracked-out and ghoulish Rachel Zoe in my life.

What are your favorite movies? Almost Famous, American Beauty, the Back To The Future Trilogy, Batman Begins, Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, Chasing Amy, The Dark Knight, Empire Records, Field of Dreams, Good Will Hunting, The Goonies, Grindhouse, Halloween, Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Love Actually, Office Space, Shakespeare In Love, Sleepless In Seattle, Swingers, True Romance

What inspires you? Words, sounds, images, people, food, drink, travel, being outside in the sunshine. Life, essentially.

What's your favorite book? The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. It is a gorgeous novel.

Do you collect something? Not really, but I clip interesting articles and photographs from magazines.

What do you like most about yourself? My sense of optimism. I'm Little Miss Brightside.

What's your go-to nail polish color? Black or blackish red (like OPI's Black Cherry Chutney).



Now -- tell me all about you!

What do you think of when you think of Philadelphia? Ben Franklin? The Liberty Bell? Rocky? Cheesesteak? A witch shooting milk out of her tits?

Philthadelphia got a little dirtier last weekend when Dana, Steve and Jerry came to visit. I can't believe how much we managed to squeeze into three days -- Pat's and Geno's, the Liberty Bell, the Mutter Museum, Reading Terminal Market, Olde City, Va La Winery, the NBA finals at Stadium Grille, tromping around nature and a mini True Blood season one marathon.

All in all, a great visit (despite the fact that their plane was ridiculously delayed and they ended up getting to my place at 3:00 a.m. -- dub, Southwest? Dub?) and I can't wait to see them again.



We started with The Great Philly Cheesesteak Taste-Off -- Pat's vs. Geno's. Our first stop was Geno's where the food was mediocre, the decor was touristy and garish and a framed photo of Sarah Palin made our collective stomachs turn. No bueno.



Then, we hit Pat's -- it's a little less flashy than Geno's, but the meat's better, the bread's better, the fries are better and there's no framed photos of halfwit politicians, so it was the obvious winner.



After checking out the Liberty Bell and learning that Ben Franklin was essentially a frat boy (all about beer, broads and farting, that dude...), we hit up the Mutter Museum. The museum is essentially a medical library founded by the Philadelphia College of Physicians and while small, is stocked with all sorts of crazy stuff -- paraphernalia on conjoined twins, creepy fetal skeletons, a nine-foot color containing 40lbs of fecal matter (too many cheesesteaks?) and books bound in human leather. Totally bizarre and totally awesome.



Looking at skulls and malignant tumors left us feeling peckish, so we hit the best lunch spot in the city -- Reading Terminal Market. I love this place. You can get crepes, dolmas, samosas, fresh produce, Amish goodies and BBQ ribs all under the same roof. What's not to like?!

In regards to the above picture, this is basically how it went down:

*CLICK*
Jerry: You know that's a garbage can, right?
Jaime: What? Oh, gross! You couldn't have told me before I licked it?
Jerry: It's funnier this way.

My friends are assholes.

I needed something to get the garbage can taste out of my mouth, so we went in search of a bar. A near impossible feat in Philly, right?



We ended up at Brownie's -- an Irish pub where the bartender was surly, the Tom Collins' were refreshing and the upstairs room was ours for the taking. We spent our time rocking out to The Faces, Better Than Ezra, Guns 'N Roses, Michael Jackson, Marvin Gaye and The Dropkick Murphys, playing darts, pool and basically acting like idiots. It was awesome.



Then, Dana and I got into a bar brawl with some dude named Bruce Banner. You wouldn't like us when we're angry....

After a day of Irish pubs and comic book stores, we decided to do something a little more sophisticated, so we headed to Avondale to the Va La Winery.



It was pretty sweet. Especially when Dana and I heard the magic words -- "Let me get you some more cheese."



Yeah, wine is pretty magical.

As I said before, it was a fantastic trip and it really made me miss living near my best friends. Everything from big stuff like wandering museums to little things like listening to truly awful music on the radio. Even though I live 1000 miles away from them, I am so incredibly lucky to have people like this in my life. So damn lucky and so damn loved.