In the 80s and early 90s, I wanted my MTV. Now, I'm functionally retarded...

[Thinking about my 8th grade math teacher]

"Oh my God...his name was Mike Hunt. Ha! Hahaha....Wait. Maybe it was Stephen...."

I'm gonna break it down and beg like James...

Old goal out. New goal in.

A bombastic bottom, a resplendent rear, a delicious duff, a gluteus gilded by Midas himself, a bloomin' onion just like Shakira's.

Mommy's gonna need 500 cc's of red beans and rice, STAT!

Damn you, Nip/Tuck

I'm doing the DVD-on-TV thing with Nip/Tuck and last night, I watched the episode where Sean is attacked by The Carver.

Intense and terrifying episode. In addition to a brutal rape scene [I saw about three seconds of it before squeezing my eyes shut and telling The Best Friend to let me know when it was over], the episode also featured this horrific shot of Sean washing his face in the mirror, looking up and seeing The Carver right there behind him.

I knew it was coming. It was completely obvious, but when I saw it -- I still leapt six feet in the air.

As a result, I am up at 5:00 a.m. after one of the worst nights of sleep in my life. What can I tell you? It was a psychological beatdown....but so well done.

I wonder who this guy is and why he hates the modern ideal of beauty so much. I'm guessing he's one of Sean and Christian's former patients. He went through surgery, but his life didn't miraculously change as he expected and therefore, he's lashing out at the world. There's only one issue with that, though. He's got to have some sort of medical knowledge because how would he:

a) have access to the "waking coma" paralyzing agent
and
b) how would he know to administer a non-lethal dose?

I realize this is all old-hat by now, but don't ruin it for me. I'm completely rapt.

The last disc of season two is supposed to come in at the end of this week [Blockbuster Online = ♥] and from what everyone tells me -- the season finale is amazing. Can't wait for that.

Years of rock shows = acute hearing loss

Jaime: Yo, Zelda Fitzgerald was a bitch.
Sparky: What about fruit salad?
Jaime: What?!
Sparky: You said something about fruit salad.
Jaime: No, I said 'Zelda Fitzgerald was a bitch.'
Sparky: Oh, I thought you said, 'Yo! I want some fruit salad, bitch!'

Music is greater than or equal to love*

I am in love.

This is why all the other bookshelves laugh at mine. Because she is stacked with books about rock and roll.

Hemingway? Absent. Dickens? Nonexistent. Poe? No. Hell, I don't even have any chick-lit. No shocking pink tales of sassy women and martinis.

All I have is pages and pages about rock and roll and how it will save your soul and deliver you from...nowhere. Rock biographies detailing the lives of Aerosmith and Stevie Ray Vaughan. Studies into the very soul of Springsteen. Tiny tomes combining Zen Buddhism and six string serenades.

Of all these books I love, the one thing I love the most is hearing musicians on musicians. Before they're musicians, before they even pick up an axe or a pair of drum sticks -- they're fans. It makes them a little less mythic and a little more human knowing they have the same heroes and idols as you do. Check out Dave Grohl on Led Zeppelin. You'll see what I mean.

A Nickel's Worth of Free Advice -- check out the following. You'll be a better person for it.

• Dale Stephanos. I love his Robert Johnson and John Lee Hooker pieces.
• Raymond Chandler.
• Rehearsals.com
  
• Pretend You Don't Know -- Time and Distance
• My Flickr Favorites

* Title changed for the sole reason that William The Conquerer referred to himself as a mathematician and that's just badass.

Zack + Kelly = True Love 4-Ever

Forget Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde and Noah and Allie.

Zack and Kelly? That's a real love story.

Yesterday for lunch, I had a soft-boiled egg and a quickie. Now, if I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate.

Check out I Am Fuel, You Are Friends to get a dose of G. Love and Special Sauce. Smooth grooves, implementation of a harmonica and one of the best band names ever. You really can't ask for more. Download Hot Cookin' and Baby Got Sauce and then, head on over to check out Virginia Tech's Finest covering Milk and Cereal. Badassery at its finest.

Britney Spears is the reason RU-486 was invented. And here's the worst part -- she's someone's mother. Yeah. Think about that. So, call your mom. Call her right now and thank her for not being Britney Spears. Also, tell her you love her. Moms love that kind of stuff.

On a related note -- you know you're a bad mother when this goes down.

Stephen Colbert is totally my hero....but I'm still hopelessly devoted to Wikipedia. Knowledge is my porn. God, I'm such a nerd. Why are people friends with me?

If you're in the Orlando area, check out the House Blend Cafe. Delicious food, great prices and 100% of the net profits go to community restoration projects. Philanthrophy and full stomach? You can't go wrong.

I just got the nicest phone call from someone working for Charlie Crist. We talked about being English and unable to vote. See, this kind of telemarketing I can handle. However, when people start yelling at me about identity theft, that's when I start getting a little perturbed. Telemarketers -- be more like the guy from Oxford who called me. You'll get a lot further.

And to wrap this all up:

A conversation between my sister and I yesterday:

Sparky: Hilary Duff did Good Charlotte!
Jaime: The whole band?! Jesus, she went from virgin to whore in 0.3 seconds.
Sparky: I think it was just Joel.
Jaime: He's a very unfortunately looking man. What's up with him hanging out with The Game and Young Jeezy and stuff? He's not "with it." He's not "down."
Sparky: Oh, he's down. Down on Hilary Duff!
Jaime: Ugh...dude....

I mean, that thing's good. I wanna be friends with it.

A conversation between The Best Friend and I:

Jaime: You know who's got a great butt?
The Best Friend: Who?
Jaime: Jessica Alba:
The Best Friend: [Unintelligible noises that sound like a combination between heavy breathing, gurgling and Homer Simpson's Mmmmm noise].
Jaime: Dude, are you OK?
The Best Friend: Sorry -- I was just thinking about Jessica Alba's ass.
Jaime: Do all men act like that when doing so?
The Best Friend: Pretty much.

So, here's the mission. I need to get my butt to the gym and make it look as bad-ass as Jessica Alba's.

Love: iTunes Style

A musical chronology of a relationship in three discs.

I Alone -- Live
I See You, Baby -- Groove Armada
Love At First Sight -- Kylie Minogue
I've Got You Under My Skin -- Frank Sinatra
I Want You To Want Me -- Cheap Trick
Sitting, Waiting, Wishing -- Jack Johnson
Here's Everything I Always Meant To Say -- Jamison-Parker
Are You Gonna Be My Girl? -- Jet
Can't Help Falling In Love -- UB40
All Day Love Affair -- Cee-Lo
Friday, I'm In Love -- The Cure
How Sweet It Is [To Be Loved By You] -- Marvin Gaye feat. Tami Terrell
Let's Stay Together -- Al Green
Always -- Bon Jovi


Here In Your Bedroom -- Goldfinger
Up All Night -- Unwritten Law
Talk Dirty To Me -- Poison
Caress Me Down -- Sublime
Underneath Your Clothes -- Shakira
What's Your Fantasy? -- Ludacris
Back Door Man -- Howlin' Wolf
Never Gonna Get It -- En Vogue
She Won't Let Me Fucc -- Afroman
Please Forgive Me -- Bryan Adams
Come Back To Bed -- John Mayer
I'll Make Love To You -- Boyz II Men
Deep Inside of You -- Third Eye Blind
Bump 'N Grind -- R. Kelly
I Want To Be There When You Come -- Echo and the Bunnymen
That's All -- Michael Buble
I Touch Myself -- The Divinyls


Get Off My Back, Woman -- John Lee Hooker feat. B.B. King
If That's Your Boyfriend [It Wasn't Last Night] -- Me'Shell NdegeOcello
Baby Did A Bad, Bad Thing -- Chris Isaak
Screaming Infidelities -- Dashboard Confessional
Your Cheating Heart -- Hank Williams Sr.
Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone -- Bill Withers
Anthem For The Broken Hearted -- Jamison-Parker
No Woman, No Cry -- Bob Marley
The Honeymoon is Over -- The Cruel Sea
One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer -- George Thorogood and the Destroyers
Pretty Fucked Up -- Supersuckers
I Alone -- Live

Honey, You're Too Sweet For Rock 'N Roll

Hi. I'm Jaime and I'm not really too sweet for rock 'n roll. I just ripped that off from my favorite Cameron Crowe movie, Almost Famous.

I'm a writer (award-winning, published and more than willing to freelance), a published photographer and pop-culture junkie.

I'm also:



a daughter (they have every right to look embarassed. I mean, look at the sunglasses I'm wearing), a sister (she listens to cooler music, watches cooler TV and movies and she blogs)



a best friend and a crew lifer (I'm the one in the black and white dress with the chicken legs).

And since we're making lists, I'm also an ex-Pat Brit, a UCF alumnus, an aunt, a sucker for giving dogs 'people food', a Miami Dolphins fan, a terrible driver and at 4'11", considerably shorter than the average American woman.

I'm also engaged.



That's my ridiculously cute fiance, Dan. He's Irish, he digs Lost, has great taste in music and makes the world's best grilled cheese sandwiches. And he always looks that cute. Even when he first wakes up. It's kind of annoying, actually. Especially if you're the kind of girl who has to wrestle with a flat iron for 20 minutes every day to look remotely human (I'm that kind of girl). Anyway, we met online when we were fifteen. Yes, there is a story behind that and you can read it here.

I have alternately awesome and awful taste in everything.

Movies: The Back To The Future Trilogy, Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, Swingers, Superbad, American Beauty, Shakespeare In Love, Love Actually, Good Will Hunting, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Keeping The Faith, the Indiana Jones trilogy and Before Sunset.

Television: Lost, The Office (UK and US), The Hills (which I actually recap weekly on this very blog), Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Top Chef, Weeds and lots of TV-on-DVD -- Party of Five, Blackadder, My So-Called Life, Sex and the City, Penn and Teller's Bullshit, Freaks and Geeks, Arrested Development...

Books and Magazines: Rolling Stone magazine, Esquire magazine, most rock (auto)biographies, High Fidelity by Nick Hornby and The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Music: Stevie Ray Vaughan, Madonna, The Black Crowes, Something Corporate, Jack's Mannequin, The Rolling Stones, Everclear, The Foo Fighters, Notorious B.I.G., Augustana, Justin Timberlake, Al Green, Guns 'N Roses (pre-batshit-crazy Axl), Velvet Revolver, Slash, The Beatles, Ryan Adams, Aerosmith, U2, Led Zeppelin, Bruce Springsteen, CCR, New Found Glory, G. Love and Special Sauce, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Prince and anything else that catches my ear.

Randomly:

- I have a crush on Ron Livingston...much to the chagrin of pretty much everyone in my life.
- Betsey Johnson and Kate Spade make me happy and one day, I'll own pieces by both.
- Other things that make me happy? Wawa runs, Target, writing, used bookstores, taking pictures, wandering around cities, avocados, mangoes, fruity margaritas, tex-mex cuisine, frocks and flip-flops, skinny decaf lattes, making mix CDs and Verdi Sparkletinis.
- I fractured my right ankle in an attempt to meet the band Everclear.
- I have a thyroid condition that affects my heart. Decaf and me? We're BFF.

That's about it, but if you have any questions, leave a comment and I'll get back to you.



Peace in the Middle East and everywhere else.

J xx

An observation.

This is me with The Best Friend.

This is Slash.

I woke up this morning and realized that no matter what I do in life -- I will never be as cool as Slash.

My friends are a-holes.

Conversations between Jake and I last night:

Jaime: Actually, I kind of have you to thank. Our song is that Early November cover of Power of Love.
Jake: That's a great song. You know now you'll have to name one of your kids after me, right?
Jaime: I don't want my kid to be an arsonist. Anyway, that's our song and so's that Buckcherry one.
Jake [erupts into laughter]: Which one? Crazy Bitch?!
Jaime: No! Dude! For The Movies!
Jake: I bet I know why that's your song too...
[Jake and Jerry start laughing]
Jaime: You're an asshole. You're both assholes. I hate you guys.


[While watching a Frontline commercial]
Jaime: Smashy! That's my dog!
Jake: Which one? The ugly one or the ugly one?
Jaime: The one on the right. Hey, screw you! Smashy's not ugly. He's awesome.
Jake: Your dog's a 'tard.
Jaime: You're a tard.
Jake: If two 'tards got together, got married, had kids and then got a dog? That would be your dog....'tard.
Jaime: Why am I friends with you?
Jake: 'Tard.

Friendship. It's when you know your friends are complete assholes and you love them anyway.

Gal reminds me of the highway between Fort Worth and Dallas. No curves.

Yesterday, while shopping for a pair of jeans, I had the following encounter in the dressing room:

Jaime: Hmm, I wonder if a size 0 would fit. They look alright lengthwise....
Jaime's Ass: Size 0? Bitch, you trippin'. Put that shit down.

I am 4'11" and 100lbs. I fit into a size 1 in most jeans but I still have curves because a) I'm ethnic and b) I love food. Seriously -- there is no greater pleasure in my life than bread. I am in constant awe of it.

Now, let's compare and contrast, shall we?

Kate Bosworth is 5'7" and has to have a size 0 taken in.
Ellen Pompeo is 5'7" and weighs 100 lbs.
Victoria Beckham is about 5'5" and has a 23" waist.

I know that thin is in and I know that designers recruit women with wire-thin frames to show off their clothes, but this is just ri-goddamn-diculous. When did it become taboo for a woman to look like a woman as opposed to a prepubescent 10-year-old boy?

When did it becomes okay to be be able to count your ribs? When did Playboy sales diminish and Razor Sharp Clavicle sales shoot through the roof? When did carbs replace Al-Qaida as public enemy #1?

Did the memo get lost, Hollywood? New secretary, perhaps? Well, here's a recap:

REAL WOMEN DON'T LOOK LIKE THIS.

You know what's great about being a woman? Well....besides free liquor and cute shoes? Curves. Breasts and hips and asses. Love 'em. They're delicious and most men I know agree.

Ever heard a man say, "Damn, that is one sexy collar bone jutting out of her chest"? No.
Ever heard a man say, "Gimme that donkey butt and them big ol' legs!"? No? Well, in that case, you need to download Let Me Ride That Donkey by the 69 Boyz [or Dunkie Butt by 12 Gauge -- Thank you, William The Conqueror :)].

All kidding aside though, not only is this trend stupid, it's dangerous. It perpetuates the false myth that in order to be successful and pretty, one needs to be skinny. Not just skinny, but practically malnourished.

It's heartbreaking, unhealthy and untrue.

I could subsist solely on celery and cigarettes and even then, I'm never going to have a boyish, Twiggy frame.

I'm supposed to be curvy and not only do I accept that, I dig it. Granted, every now and then, I have a moment of self-doubt where I wish I was gaunt like Nicole Richie because maybe then, clothes would look better on me. Then, I realize something -- curves are fun. You can do things with hips, breasts and asses that you can't with stick-figure frames.

So, to all the men out there who appreciate hips, breasts and asses -- I salute you and hope you have nothing but mind-blowing sex for the rest of your days.
To all the ladies with breasts, hips and asses -- rock the fuck on.
And to anyone trying to convince the world that the Skeletor look is hot -- eat a cheeseburger and just shut the fuck up.

P.S. -- I did manage to find a kickass pair of jeans. L.e.i. jeans make my ass happy. Seriously, you could bounce a quarter off of it. It's totally hot.

Honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid, you don't deserve to be in love.

I've been listening to Ashton Kutcher's version of Bon Jovi's I'll Be There For You a lot lately [Thank you again, Jason!]. It's not even really a song. It's actually a buck fifteen of Kutcher butchering one of my favorite songs.

The chords are disjointed, sporadic and out of tune, Kutcher's voice is kind of scratchy, he can't hit the high notes to save his life and the song ends with someone shouting, "You suck!" -- an accurate assessment if there every was one.

And that's the very reason I love it. Because even though it's completely rubbish, it's honest [in the context of the film].

I'm not an expert when it comes to love. I just have pages and pages of postulates as to what it might be and the way I see it -- love makes you a little crazy.

Not chemically imbalanced where you're throwing Paxil down your throat by the handful [at least, it shouldn't make you feel like that, but I've met some pretty damn crazy people in my life who would actually justify behavior like this], but a little crazy. A little less prone to logic and a little more spontaneous.

Love will make you spend an entire paycheck on pink roses 'cause you know that they're her favorite. It'll make you belt out a power ballad on her lawn despite numerous threats from neighbors that the police will be on their way shortly. It'll make you get a tattoo in a place a judge can see it. It'll make you get into a fight with that huge biker at the bar. It'll make you scream louder and your heart beat faster and you'll be fine with that. Because you'll know that you're part of something so much greater than yourself...

...But then again, what the hell do I know? I think magic is the reason electricity works.

P.S -- I really need to find an old-school photobooth. I wonder how much of the Crew we could jam into one of those things...

They don't wanna hear your pudding tales

A conversation between The Best Friend and myself last night:

The Best Friend: You know, I really do appreciate you.
Me: Dude, you know how I know you're gay...?
The Best Friend: Seriously, I do. You're a good friend.
Me: Why are you saying that? Are you dying?!
The Best Friend: No....
Me: Oh my God! Am I dying?!
The Best Friend: No!

When it comes to ruining a moment, I knock it straight outta the park. The Best Friend was trying to be very sweet and genuine and I was...well, myself. I tried to make up for it later by telling him how much I really appreciate him, but I kept erupting into a fit of giggles. So much for that idea.

So, to my bee eff eff eee fore eva: I know the magic you're bringing, dude and I'm all about your pudding tales.

In Other News:

• Lance Bass is gay. And water is wet and puppies are cute. Why is something this obvious considered news? However, to Mr. Bass -- congratulations on coming out! That's awesome and here's to a lifetime of happiness for you.
  
  
• I've had T-Pain's I'm In Love With A Stripper stuck in my head for the past three days and am unable to sing the song out loud without shimmying my shoulders. That girl at the post office who looked like an ass? That was me.
  
  
• Music To Download Now: The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot by Brand New, New Kid In Town by The Eagles [it reminds me of Papa ♥], Maybe It's Just Me by Butch Walker, Stand By Me [Live] by U2 feat. Bruce Springsteen and Rock Star [Jason Nevins Remix] by N.E.R.D.
  
  
• If anyone has an mp3 of Ashton Kutcher singing I'll Be There For You by Bon Jovi [it was in the movie A Lot Like Love], please get in touch with me! I've been looking for that track for a while. Thank you! Thanks Jason! You are a rock star :)
  

Strictly for my ninjas...

I really have nothing better to do

Sports Guy is now a Tottenham Hotspurs fan. Sparky -- what say you of this and his analysis of Premier League teams?

The rock photography/lenticular exhibit is still going on at Millenia Fine Art. If you're in the area and you haven't seen it -- I urge you to go. Not only are the lenticulars awe-inspiring, but they have an amazing collection of photographs too. Some are funny, some are pretty, some are stark and all are powerful. The one that affects me the most is a black and white image of Sharon Tate. She's holding up baby clothes and smiling. It was taken a few days before she was brutally murdered. I can't look at it without a lump forming in my throat.

Things You Should Do Soon:

• Listen to The Black Crowes. Check out She Talks To Angels [both versions -- plugged and unplugged], My Heart's Been Killin' Me, Feathers, Hard To Handle and Soul Singing.
• Buy a pair of Reefs. The most comfortable shoes you will ever own.
  
• Drink Snapple Apple-flavored Snapple. It's delicious and could kick Mott's ass all over the place.
• Listen to So Alive by Love and Rockets. It's on the Rules of Attraction soundtrack, incredibly sexy and approved by Will, so you know it has to be good.
• Raise the roof

The future hasn't been written yet....or has it?

I am Jaime's Broken Heart. :(

Crazy drunk pedestrians!

VH1 should run a feature on me because I had the Best Week Ever.

Sunday afternoon, Dan came into town for five days. We decided to check out the TNA Pay-Per-View at Universal Studios because a) it was free, B) Dan had never seen a live wrestling match before and c) The Best Friend was already there.

After broiling for about two hours in line, we decided to junk it and ended up at the Hard Rock Bar instead...

...where I fell madly in love with a booth and tried to conceive every possible way to take the booth and all the alcohol home with me without anyone noticing.

I failed miserably.

Monday and Tuesday, we just kind of hung out and had a mini Back To The Future marathon ["Shark still looks fake"]. Not only does Dan love this movie as much as I do, but he's much better at reciting lines from it. In doing so, he became my personal hero.

Wednesday, we spent the day at Downtown Disney where I ate the world's most amazing sandwich at The Earl of Sandwich.

Seriously. I wanted to marry this thing and have little finger sandwich babies with it. I am unable to speak about it without bursting into an aria. It was truly glorious.

One thing I love about Downtown Disney [besides the manna from the heavens that is the Caprese sandwich] is the fact that there is so much to look at.

I saw a shirt that I figured The Best Friend would appreciate the next time someone mistakenly confused us for a couple.


A mad promotional blitz for Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest meant almost everywhere we went, we were confronted with eye-patches, skeletons and pictures of Johnny Depp looking like Keith Richards did about 200 years ago.


I guess all the promotion worked because after Downtown Disney, we headed to actually watch the movie. I discovered that I am terrified of tentacles, in awe of special effects and as in love with pirates as I was when I was a little kid and watched The Goonies for the first time. It was also the first real date I've ever been on. Everyone together now: "Awwwwww..." It was very sweet and I had a lovely time. ♥

Thursday was spent at Islands of Adventure...but I don't have any pictures of that because I didn't take my camera. So instead, here are some pictures of our shaving cream fight:


As you can see, I obviously won...


...But I didn't escape unscathed. Plus: I was super moisturized and I smelled great. Minus: Look at my face.

On Friday morning, Dan left. Later that night was yet another Howl at the Moon night. Like the good little alcoholics we are, we decided to 'line our stomachs' with Taco Bell.

This was a good idea...until we realize that we were eating Taco Bell and that Taco Bell is never a good idea. After carpet-bombing our stomachs, Dana and I rediscovered what we think of beer -- it's awesome!


We rocked out to Journey, Jovi and Dana's favorite: Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy by Big and Rich. I think that song was written for us based on the lyric: "I'm singing and bling-blinging while the girls are drinking long necks down!" Singing? Check. Bling-blinging? Check [Dana's shirt had sparkly silver sequins]. Long necks? Double check!

Even though we ended the night fairly early [for us], it ended on a good note because for the first time since we've been going to that bar, they played the UCF fight song.

A mere $19 is all it takes to buy respect for the Golden Knights. It was awesome...until some putz chipped in $80 [!!!] to hear the Texas Longhorns fight song. More money than sense.

So, in conclusion -- you may be starring in a musical based on your life, David Hasselhoff...but I had the best week ever.

Ketchup is for winners, Ted!

Oh. My. God. I can't even look at that for too long. It's so cute. This little puppy's name is Plumm and I found her at the Boston Terrier Photo Blog.

I really need to stop visiting that website. It just keeps fueling my desire for a Boston Terrier. I found two Boston Terrier Rescues -- one in Tampa and one in Delray and have decided that this is the route I'm gonna go. It makes so much more sense to rescue a dog than to buy one at a pet store.

One day, I will have a Boston Terrier and I will name him Smashy and it will be glorious.

This Beautiful Life by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy is really a fantastic album. A bit of a foray from the swing revival thing and much more loungey and jazzy. I love dipping into my CD collection and rediscovering music. It's like finding $20 in your pocket.

Things That Are Awesome: Anything Conan O'Brien does, The Rock, Clocks by Coldplay, Cocoa Pebbles and Reef flip flops.

Things That Are Not Awesome: The fact that the Wayans Brothers have careers, being allergic to certain kinds of lipstick and looking like Angelina Jolie punched you in the mouth, Hulk Hogan because he is a proselytizing assbag and the fact that it is two o'clock and I have yet to shower.

Dan flies in tomorrow for four days movie-related fun -- movie marathons [We're planning to knock out the entire Back To The Future Trilogy in a day], quality time at Islands of Adventure and Downtown Disney and a Mr. Wizard-inspired experiment involving a soft-boiled egg and vinegar. I am excited. Expect lots of pictures :)