An Open Letter To SPF

Dear SPF:

Listen, I think it's awesome how to help prevent cancer in people and all, but when you sneak into my moisturizer? Yeah, that shit ain't cute.

My face is now itchy, red and angry in that Old Testament/Wrath of God kinda way.

I'll be spending the day being cripplingly self-conscious and hiding behind my bangs.

Thanks, asshole.

Love:

Jaime xx

Oh stupid Oscar, when are you going to learn that there's no such thing as free shrimp?

The 81st Academy Awards are in just a few short hours and unlike years past, I'm actually looking forward to them. I've heard that the telecast has been revamped and modernized and while I love the classic schtick of Billy Crystal, I'm excited to see what Hugh Jackman will bring to the table.

I'm also psyched for the pre-show this year. In my world, gossip and judgment are the bee's knees, so bring on the glittering, bulimia-inspiring starlets drenched in diamonds! In years past, the stars have always talked about the jewelry they're wearing and how much it costs. Seeing as the icy grip of recession as taken ahold of the country, doing so this year might be a little gauche to say the least. However, I'm sure one dumbass will roll up and blurt it out. Puffy, I'm looking at you.

Like pretty much everyone else in the country, I've made predictions as to who will be taking home the gold tonight. Check them out and let me know if you agree.

Best Picture

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
Milk
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire - Lots of buzz, heartwrenching story, dazzling visuals and ethnicity abounds. It's a shoe-in.

Best Director

Danny Boyle – Slumdog Millionaire - He's up against some stiff competition, but I think Boyle will end up taking home a very pretty paperweight.
Stephen Daldry – The Reader
David Fincher – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Ron Howard – Frost/Nixon
Gus Van Sant – Milk

Best Actor

Richard Jenkins – The Visitor
Frank Langella – Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn – Milk
Brad Pitt – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Mickey Rourke – The Wrestler -- I loved Langella in Frost-Nixon. His portrayal of Richard Nixon is flawless, but as good as his performance was, it doesn't compare to Rourke's. Why? Because Langella merely played Nixon where as Rourke was Randy 'The Ram' Robinson. Both underdogs, both down on their luck and both desperately trying for one more shot at glory. Hollywood loves it when life imitates art and will reward Rourke for this portrayal handsomely.

Best Actress

Anne Hathaway – Rachel Getting Married
Angelina Jolie – Changeling
Melissa Leo – Frozen River
Meryl Streep – Doubt
Kate Winslet – The Reader -- I know there's been a bit of controversy about this picture lately, but that doesn't discount the fact that Winslet is both a phenomenal actress and really damn likable. Couple that with the fact that she's a five-time nominee and hasn't taken home a statuette yet and the odds look good, but she's up against some serious competition, so I'm not entirely certain about the outcome of this one.

Best Supporting Actor

Josh Brolin – Milk
Robert Downey, Jr. – Tropic Thunder
Philip Seymour Hoffman – Doubt
Heath Ledger – The Dark Knight -- Come on. There's no way Ledger's not going to win this award. Barring the obvious reason, Ledger really was phenomenal as The Joker. He reinfused the character with a sociopathic glee that has only been seen in the graphic novels up until this point. Jack was good, but Heath was great.
Michael Shannon – Revolutionary Road

Best Supporting Actress

Amy Adams – Doubt
Penélope Cruz – Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Viola Davis – Doubt
Taraji P. Henson – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button -- Tough competition again, but I predict Henson FTW.
Marisa Tomei – The Wrestler

Best Original Screenplay

WALL-E - Andrew Stanton, Jim Reardon and Pete Docter
Happy-Go-Lucky - Mike Leigh
Frozen River - Courtney Hunt
In Bruges - Martin McDonagh
Milk - Dustin Lance Black -- As much as I liked Wall-E and as funny as In Bruges is, Milk is where it's at.

Best Adapted Screenplay

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - Eric Roth and Robin Swicord
Frost/Nixon - Peter Morgan
The Reader - David Hare
Slumdog Millionaire - Simon Beaufoy
Doubt - John Patrick Shanley-- What's hotter than Catholic guilt? Movies about books about Catholic guilt!

Best Animated Feature

Bolt – Chris Williams and Byron Howard
Kung Fu Panda – Mark Osborne and John Stevenson
WALL-E – Andrew Stanton -- Bolt features Miley Cyrus. Anything featuring that banal succubus is immediately disqualified. My loathing of Miss Cyrus aside, Wall-E was incredible. Gorgeous animation and a great message. Loved it and so will Oscar.

Now just to clarify, when you say sister, you mean...

My sister might be coming to Philly for my birthday!

Best. Gift. Ever!

I hired a hot girl who can't lift an iPod to bring you out of your funk.

Dear Jaime:

Welcome to the 21st century!

Your purchase of an iPod (eye-pod) will hopefully encourage you to go to the gym more often, provide you with countless hours of entertainment while you spend your life waiting (in lines, for transportation...) and hopefully, help you lower your blood pressure as it will provide an alternative to listening to Sean Hannity during your afternoon commute.

Enjoy your birthday present to yourself and have fun making those playlists (you might want to reconsider the one entitled, 'Watch For Flying Panties.' Invariably, someone's going to see that and then, you're going to have explain things like how Howlin' Wolf is a big ol' bastard who could take your woman and people will think you're on the drugs and you're not....unless caffeine is considered a drug, which I guess it technically is and...look, whatever. Just think about it, ok? Right).

Lots of Love:

Me xx

P.S. -- Way to defy convention by picking yellow over pink. Bet they didn't see that coming!

All the beautiful little tattooed, gum-chewing freaks are out

What better time than Valentine's Day for another edition of 'Holy Shit! I Love You!'

Here are some things I love-love-love (holy shit!)

Last Night -- We hit Xochitl, home of $5 Happy Hour Margaritas. They are very strong, absolutely delicious and served by a wonderful Australian bartender who not only knows his shit but also calls you 'madam'....and the only person who has ever called me that is my mom when she says I'm being a 'bossy little madam.'

After that, we headed to National Mechanics in Old City. This place might just be my favorite new bar. Not only does it have a killer location (built in 1837) but the bar also serves pineapple-jalapeno margaritas. They're yummy....but word of warning? Jalapeno tequila is not for the faint of heart or anyone whose stomach lining is made of anything other than cast iron.

While at National Mechanics, we stumbled upon The Olde City Sideshow -- A burlesque troupe of entertainers who swallowed swords, ate fire, walked on broken glass and knives, hammered nails into their nasal cavities and featured one incredibly bad-ass contortionist in a fabulous pink tutu.

She's standing barefoot on a stairway of knives while . I think this woman just became my hero.

Holy shit, it was a great night and if you're ever in the Philly area, be sure to check it all out.

McDonalds Iced Coffee -- It's no secret that I hate McDonalds. However, they've redeemed themselves somewhat with the introduction of their coffee beverages. Their french fries may barely be considered food and their salads may be pathetic, but damn it, their coffee is delicious. Don't get me wrong -- I still believe that McDonalds is an evil conglomerate (its mascot is a clown, for crying out loud! If that doesn't scream unholy and godless, I don't know what does), but thanks to their incredibly tasty (and affordable) iced coffee, I hate this corporation just a wee bit less.

Michael Jackson -- Say what you will about the guy, but the man's genius cannot be denied. I challenge anyone to listen to Billie Jean and not involuntarily shimmy their shoulders. One of his more underrated gems has to be In The Closet. Granted, the first 35 seconds are annoyingly over-dramatic in the vein of R. Kelly, but when the song picks up -- it kicks ass.

Persepolis



I've been wanting to read the graphic novel for a while but when I saw the film was on Starz this morning, I jumped at the opportunity to watch it. The animation is beautiful yet spare and the story is incredibly poignant. Much like anyone else who attended public school, I am woefully ignorant of the history of the Middle East and I've only ever thought of Iran's Islamic Revolution in incredibly simplistic terms -- a relatively modern nation one day and a theocracy the next. Idiotic, I know. Anyway, the film broke me of that wildly false notion, broke my heart, healed it again and basically wowed me. It's a brilliant little film and I highly recommend adding it to your NetFlix queue.

Happy Valentine's Day, guys! Hope you spend it with something/someone you love!