An observation.

This is me with The Best Friend.

This is Slash.

I woke up this morning and realized that no matter what I do in life -- I will never be as cool as Slash.

My friends are a-holes.

Conversations between Jake and I last night:

Jaime: Actually, I kind of have you to thank. Our song is that Early November cover of Power of Love.
Jake: That's a great song. You know now you'll have to name one of your kids after me, right?
Jaime: I don't want my kid to be an arsonist. Anyway, that's our song and so's that Buckcherry one.
Jake [erupts into laughter]: Which one? Crazy Bitch?!
Jaime: No! Dude! For The Movies!
Jake: I bet I know why that's your song too...
[Jake and Jerry start laughing]
Jaime: You're an asshole. You're both assholes. I hate you guys.


[While watching a Frontline commercial]
Jaime: Smashy! That's my dog!
Jake: Which one? The ugly one or the ugly one?
Jaime: The one on the right. Hey, screw you! Smashy's not ugly. He's awesome.
Jake: Your dog's a 'tard.
Jaime: You're a tard.
Jake: If two 'tards got together, got married, had kids and then got a dog? That would be your dog....'tard.
Jaime: Why am I friends with you?
Jake: 'Tard.

Friendship. It's when you know your friends are complete assholes and you love them anyway.

Gal reminds me of the highway between Fort Worth and Dallas. No curves.

Yesterday, while shopping for a pair of jeans, I had the following encounter in the dressing room:

Jaime: Hmm, I wonder if a size 0 would fit. They look alright lengthwise....
Jaime's Ass: Size 0? Bitch, you trippin'. Put that shit down.

I am 4'11" and 100lbs. I fit into a size 1 in most jeans but I still have curves because a) I'm ethnic and b) I love food. Seriously -- there is no greater pleasure in my life than bread. I am in constant awe of it.

Now, let's compare and contrast, shall we?

Kate Bosworth is 5'7" and has to have a size 0 taken in.
Ellen Pompeo is 5'7" and weighs 100 lbs.
Victoria Beckham is about 5'5" and has a 23" waist.

I know that thin is in and I know that designers recruit women with wire-thin frames to show off their clothes, but this is just ri-goddamn-diculous. When did it become taboo for a woman to look like a woman as opposed to a prepubescent 10-year-old boy?

When did it becomes okay to be be able to count your ribs? When did Playboy sales diminish and Razor Sharp Clavicle sales shoot through the roof? When did carbs replace Al-Qaida as public enemy #1?

Did the memo get lost, Hollywood? New secretary, perhaps? Well, here's a recap:

REAL WOMEN DON'T LOOK LIKE THIS.

You know what's great about being a woman? Well....besides free liquor and cute shoes? Curves. Breasts and hips and asses. Love 'em. They're delicious and most men I know agree.

Ever heard a man say, "Damn, that is one sexy collar bone jutting out of her chest"? No.
Ever heard a man say, "Gimme that donkey butt and them big ol' legs!"? No? Well, in that case, you need to download Let Me Ride That Donkey by the 69 Boyz [or Dunkie Butt by 12 Gauge -- Thank you, William The Conqueror :)].

All kidding aside though, not only is this trend stupid, it's dangerous. It perpetuates the false myth that in order to be successful and pretty, one needs to be skinny. Not just skinny, but practically malnourished.

It's heartbreaking, unhealthy and untrue.

I could subsist solely on celery and cigarettes and even then, I'm never going to have a boyish, Twiggy frame.

I'm supposed to be curvy and not only do I accept that, I dig it. Granted, every now and then, I have a moment of self-doubt where I wish I was gaunt like Nicole Richie because maybe then, clothes would look better on me. Then, I realize something -- curves are fun. You can do things with hips, breasts and asses that you can't with stick-figure frames.

So, to all the men out there who appreciate hips, breasts and asses -- I salute you and hope you have nothing but mind-blowing sex for the rest of your days.
To all the ladies with breasts, hips and asses -- rock the fuck on.
And to anyone trying to convince the world that the Skeletor look is hot -- eat a cheeseburger and just shut the fuck up.

P.S. -- I did manage to find a kickass pair of jeans. L.e.i. jeans make my ass happy. Seriously, you could bounce a quarter off of it. It's totally hot.

Honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid, you don't deserve to be in love.

I've been listening to Ashton Kutcher's version of Bon Jovi's I'll Be There For You a lot lately [Thank you again, Jason!]. It's not even really a song. It's actually a buck fifteen of Kutcher butchering one of my favorite songs.

The chords are disjointed, sporadic and out of tune, Kutcher's voice is kind of scratchy, he can't hit the high notes to save his life and the song ends with someone shouting, "You suck!" -- an accurate assessment if there every was one.

And that's the very reason I love it. Because even though it's completely rubbish, it's honest [in the context of the film].

I'm not an expert when it comes to love. I just have pages and pages of postulates as to what it might be and the way I see it -- love makes you a little crazy.

Not chemically imbalanced where you're throwing Paxil down your throat by the handful [at least, it shouldn't make you feel like that, but I've met some pretty damn crazy people in my life who would actually justify behavior like this], but a little crazy. A little less prone to logic and a little more spontaneous.

Love will make you spend an entire paycheck on pink roses 'cause you know that they're her favorite. It'll make you belt out a power ballad on her lawn despite numerous threats from neighbors that the police will be on their way shortly. It'll make you get a tattoo in a place a judge can see it. It'll make you get into a fight with that huge biker at the bar. It'll make you scream louder and your heart beat faster and you'll be fine with that. Because you'll know that you're part of something so much greater than yourself...

...But then again, what the hell do I know? I think magic is the reason electricity works.

P.S -- I really need to find an old-school photobooth. I wonder how much of the Crew we could jam into one of those things...

They don't wanna hear your pudding tales

A conversation between The Best Friend and myself last night:

The Best Friend: You know, I really do appreciate you.
Me: Dude, you know how I know you're gay...?
The Best Friend: Seriously, I do. You're a good friend.
Me: Why are you saying that? Are you dying?!
The Best Friend: No....
Me: Oh my God! Am I dying?!
The Best Friend: No!

When it comes to ruining a moment, I knock it straight outta the park. The Best Friend was trying to be very sweet and genuine and I was...well, myself. I tried to make up for it later by telling him how much I really appreciate him, but I kept erupting into a fit of giggles. So much for that idea.

So, to my bee eff eff eee fore eva: I know the magic you're bringing, dude and I'm all about your pudding tales.

In Other News:

• Lance Bass is gay. And water is wet and puppies are cute. Why is something this obvious considered news? However, to Mr. Bass -- congratulations on coming out! That's awesome and here's to a lifetime of happiness for you.
  
  
• I've had T-Pain's I'm In Love With A Stripper stuck in my head for the past three days and am unable to sing the song out loud without shimmying my shoulders. That girl at the post office who looked like an ass? That was me.
  
  
• Music To Download Now: The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot by Brand New, New Kid In Town by The Eagles [it reminds me of Papa ♥], Maybe It's Just Me by Butch Walker, Stand By Me [Live] by U2 feat. Bruce Springsteen and Rock Star [Jason Nevins Remix] by N.E.R.D.
  
  
• If anyone has an mp3 of Ashton Kutcher singing I'll Be There For You by Bon Jovi [it was in the movie A Lot Like Love], please get in touch with me! I've been looking for that track for a while. Thank you! Thanks Jason! You are a rock star :)
  

Strictly for my ninjas...

I really have nothing better to do

Sports Guy is now a Tottenham Hotspurs fan. Sparky -- what say you of this and his analysis of Premier League teams?

The rock photography/lenticular exhibit is still going on at Millenia Fine Art. If you're in the area and you haven't seen it -- I urge you to go. Not only are the lenticulars awe-inspiring, but they have an amazing collection of photographs too. Some are funny, some are pretty, some are stark and all are powerful. The one that affects me the most is a black and white image of Sharon Tate. She's holding up baby clothes and smiling. It was taken a few days before she was brutally murdered. I can't look at it without a lump forming in my throat.

Things You Should Do Soon:

• Listen to The Black Crowes. Check out She Talks To Angels [both versions -- plugged and unplugged], My Heart's Been Killin' Me, Feathers, Hard To Handle and Soul Singing.
• Buy a pair of Reefs. The most comfortable shoes you will ever own.
  
• Drink Snapple Apple-flavored Snapple. It's delicious and could kick Mott's ass all over the place.
• Listen to So Alive by Love and Rockets. It's on the Rules of Attraction soundtrack, incredibly sexy and approved by Will, so you know it has to be good.
• Raise the roof

The future hasn't been written yet....or has it?

I am Jaime's Broken Heart. :(

Crazy drunk pedestrians!

VH1 should run a feature on me because I had the Best Week Ever.

Sunday afternoon, Dan came into town for five days. We decided to check out the TNA Pay-Per-View at Universal Studios because a) it was free, B) Dan had never seen a live wrestling match before and c) The Best Friend was already there.

After broiling for about two hours in line, we decided to junk it and ended up at the Hard Rock Bar instead...

...where I fell madly in love with a booth and tried to conceive every possible way to take the booth and all the alcohol home with me without anyone noticing.

I failed miserably.

Monday and Tuesday, we just kind of hung out and had a mini Back To The Future marathon ["Shark still looks fake"]. Not only does Dan love this movie as much as I do, but he's much better at reciting lines from it. In doing so, he became my personal hero.

Wednesday, we spent the day at Downtown Disney where I ate the world's most amazing sandwich at The Earl of Sandwich.

Seriously. I wanted to marry this thing and have little finger sandwich babies with it. I am unable to speak about it without bursting into an aria. It was truly glorious.

One thing I love about Downtown Disney [besides the manna from the heavens that is the Caprese sandwich] is the fact that there is so much to look at.

I saw a shirt that I figured The Best Friend would appreciate the next time someone mistakenly confused us for a couple.


A mad promotional blitz for Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest meant almost everywhere we went, we were confronted with eye-patches, skeletons and pictures of Johnny Depp looking like Keith Richards did about 200 years ago.


I guess all the promotion worked because after Downtown Disney, we headed to actually watch the movie. I discovered that I am terrified of tentacles, in awe of special effects and as in love with pirates as I was when I was a little kid and watched The Goonies for the first time. It was also the first real date I've ever been on. Everyone together now: "Awwwwww..." It was very sweet and I had a lovely time. ♥

Thursday was spent at Islands of Adventure...but I don't have any pictures of that because I didn't take my camera. So instead, here are some pictures of our shaving cream fight:


As you can see, I obviously won...


...But I didn't escape unscathed. Plus: I was super moisturized and I smelled great. Minus: Look at my face.

On Friday morning, Dan left. Later that night was yet another Howl at the Moon night. Like the good little alcoholics we are, we decided to 'line our stomachs' with Taco Bell.

This was a good idea...until we realize that we were eating Taco Bell and that Taco Bell is never a good idea. After carpet-bombing our stomachs, Dana and I rediscovered what we think of beer -- it's awesome!


We rocked out to Journey, Jovi and Dana's favorite: Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy by Big and Rich. I think that song was written for us based on the lyric: "I'm singing and bling-blinging while the girls are drinking long necks down!" Singing? Check. Bling-blinging? Check [Dana's shirt had sparkly silver sequins]. Long necks? Double check!

Even though we ended the night fairly early [for us], it ended on a good note because for the first time since we've been going to that bar, they played the UCF fight song.

A mere $19 is all it takes to buy respect for the Golden Knights. It was awesome...until some putz chipped in $80 [!!!] to hear the Texas Longhorns fight song. More money than sense.

So, in conclusion -- you may be starring in a musical based on your life, David Hasselhoff...but I had the best week ever.

Ketchup is for winners, Ted!

Oh. My. God. I can't even look at that for too long. It's so cute. This little puppy's name is Plumm and I found her at the Boston Terrier Photo Blog.

I really need to stop visiting that website. It just keeps fueling my desire for a Boston Terrier. I found two Boston Terrier Rescues -- one in Tampa and one in Delray and have decided that this is the route I'm gonna go. It makes so much more sense to rescue a dog than to buy one at a pet store.

One day, I will have a Boston Terrier and I will name him Smashy and it will be glorious.

This Beautiful Life by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy is really a fantastic album. A bit of a foray from the swing revival thing and much more loungey and jazzy. I love dipping into my CD collection and rediscovering music. It's like finding $20 in your pocket.

Things That Are Awesome: Anything Conan O'Brien does, The Rock, Clocks by Coldplay, Cocoa Pebbles and Reef flip flops.

Things That Are Not Awesome: The fact that the Wayans Brothers have careers, being allergic to certain kinds of lipstick and looking like Angelina Jolie punched you in the mouth, Hulk Hogan because he is a proselytizing assbag and the fact that it is two o'clock and I have yet to shower.

Dan flies in tomorrow for four days movie-related fun -- movie marathons [We're planning to knock out the entire Back To The Future Trilogy in a day], quality time at Islands of Adventure and Downtown Disney and a Mr. Wizard-inspired experiment involving a soft-boiled egg and vinegar. I am excited. Expect lots of pictures :)

My only shot at ever being in a gang fight and all I get is one stitch?

No. No. No. No. No. No. Goddamn, I hate Hollywood. I realize that casting Raven Simone in Adventures in Babysitting isn't like having Wilmer Valderrama playing Rick in Casablanca, but it's bothersome nevertheless. The original is fine -- the Playboy subplot, the Albert Collins cameo, the "Don't fuck with the babysitter" line. It's all good stuff and the last thing Disney needs to do is arse it all up with a second-generation Cosby Kid.

Nip/Tuck is quickly becoming one of my favorite shows on television. Yes, I realize that I am achingly behind the rest of the country, but I don't watch TV anymore. It's easier to rent the DVDs from Blockbuster and knock out an entire season during a weekend. The Best Friend and I just finished watching the first season and now, I'm anxiously awaiting the second. I hear it gets more and more bizarre from here on out. Life coaches, incest, infidelity and someone called The Carver. Can't wait.

The new last.fm looks amazing. If you don't have one, get one. Bon Jovi tells the day by the bottle that he drinks. Me? I just fire up the iTunes. That being the case:

Thank You! Come Again: Five Songs on Repeat

1. O Fortuna -- Mozart. Dramatic, bold and passionate. It stirs the blood and honestly, how many things actually do that?
2. I'll Be There For You -- Bon Jovi. Not only is this song the reason I don't hate Ashton Kutcher anymore, but I'm fairly certain that I'll fall in love with whoever sings it. No lie.
3. Luck Be A Lady -- Frank Sinatra. If he was still alive, he'd tell you to take off that stupid hat, pull up those damn pants and then, he'd sleep with your mother and pitch a tumbler of whiskey right in your face...and you'd love it 'cause Frank's the man.
4. I Can't Come Down -- Embrace. I've got a thing for pianos lately. This song is gorgeous and I have no idea how it ended up on my computer, but I'm so glad it did.
5. Still -- The Geto Boys. It makes me want to destroy a printer. "PC Load Letter?! What the fuck does that mean?!"

Check out Multiplex Comics. Funnier than Tara Reid's pretending she's a legit actress.

Gonna have you naked by the end of this song

Oh, Mr. Timberlake. You had one mission -- to bring the sexy back. Mission accomplished, sir. Mission accomplished. Way back when, you were mocked for your problematic moptop, your penchant for dancing with folding chairs and your saccharine relationship with a certain pop princess. Now, you're all growns-up and you're all growns-up. Kudos, Mistah Timberlake for bringing the sexy back and wanting us all to add a lil' vanilla to our milk.

Gorgeous pictures that inspire and ignite me. Check them out and find some that do the same for you.

I want to be the owner and proprietor of a bar. Not just any bar, but a lo-fi, dim place with lots of dark wood, warm light and brown leather. No bras on the ceiling, no buzzing pink and green neon and no party girls giggling and sipping daiquiris. A bar with the best music -- everything from Frank Sinatra and Chick Corea to Led Zeppelin and Stevie Ray Vaughan. Cocktail onions, not cocktail umbrellas. Not some throwback to the Rat Pack and not some psuedo-hip bar where everything thinks they're so money, baby. Just a place where the seats are comfortable, the music's good, the beer is cold and the drinks are stiff.

I went to bed at 4:30 a.m. I just couldn't sleep. However, it wasn't a total wash because I did end up doing something mildly creative. Still -- no more insomniac nights. They can't be good for me.

Now Hear This:

• Graduation Day -- Head Automatica. Palumbo. Powerpop. Perfection. Hmmm, alliteration.
• Stars and Boulevards -- Augustana
• Diablo Rojo -- Rodrigo y Gabriela
• Istanbul -- They Might Be Giants [Pepe -- I've decided that this is now our song]
• Be Kind + Remind -- Rogue Wave
• Baby Did A Bad, Bad Thing -- Chris Isaak
• I Can Tell -- 504 Boys

You were pretty as can be, sitting in the front seat

4th of July picture up on the Flickr. I'm surprised at how well some of them turned out and am really looking forward to that photography class in the spring.

Paps is a bit of a photographer, so hopefully that talent transferred over to me.

It's important to capture moments like that. You never get a chance to relive anything, so I plan on taking as many pictures as I can.

Hang on, I'll get my belt sander and try to grind the ugly off your face!

In honor of Independence Day, here is a short list of things that rock about America:

Classic Mustangs. Grilling. Free refills. Fender Strats. Anything Will Ferrell does. Post-NSync Justin Timberlake. Boston Terriers. Heath bars. Stars by Hum. Ron Livingston. The 1972 Miami Dolphins. Sailor Jerry tattoos. Post-It notes. Anything Robert Rodriguez does. So, You Want To Be A Writer? by Charles Bukowski. The quotability of The Simpsons. Pudding.

My 4th of July was fantastic. I spent it with the roomies, Pepe, Jake and Steph, Steph's brother Dan and Dan's girlfriend Liza. We hung out at the pool [I'm about three shades darker], we ate delicious food [Portobello mushrooms with mozzarella and tomatoes ♥], drank beer and margaritas, played video games and watched an amazing fireworks display. Great day and here's to hoping many more like it follow in the future.

In Other News:

Germany lost to Italy. Two-nil, in second overtime at the 27th minute. I'm floored. With Brazil gone, I thought these boys would clean house. What an upset. Barring another upset, it looks like it'll be France v. Italy in the finals.

Happy Birthday, Missy! Amaretto sours para todos! I love and miss you, sweetpea!

Facebook. I finally got one. If you're one of those assholes I went to school with -- feel free to add me.

I am in love with Andrew McMahon again. I've been listening to lots of Something Corporate and Jack's Mannequin lately and have decided that A) I'm in love with McMahon for the sixteenth time this year, B) I should really stop listening to Konstantine on repeat and C) I want to hire him to sing me lullabies. The pay's lousy and there are no benefits, but he would perform to a rapt audience every night...until I fell asleep, anyway.

Now Hear This: Music you need to download.

Stars and Boulevards -- Augustana
Oh Yeah -- Yello [It's the Ferris Bueller song. You know, "Chicka-schickaaaahhh"]
Wounded -- Third Eye Blind
Romantic -- Goapele

I am Jack's broken heart

A heartbreaking and disappointing end. England didn't deserve to go out like this. Losing to Portugal during a penalty shootout with our two best strikers and our captain on the bench? Come on, lads. That's just not on.

I hate Portugal with a passion. I despise their theatrics, their lies and their dirty tactics. I hate Ronaldo for goading his own teammate. I'm interested in seeing what kind of reception he gets from Man U fans after the cup is over.

I hate the way certain England fans act -- come home a hero or don't come home at all. I hate the English media who insist on castigating them for a million offenses instead of commending them for getting so far.

The boys played admirably. Hargreaves played with an unparalleled fierceness and tenacity. Watching him was a pleasure. Hell, watching the whole squad was a pleasure. Unlike many teams who resort to dirty tricks to ensure a win, the English team remain consummate professionals and gentlemen throughout.

That being said -- here's to the Three Lions. We'll get 'em in Austria-Switzerland and again in South Africa. Wait and see.