April 19, 2008
The only proof she needed of the existence of God was music
And in that moment, we felt infinite....
OK, so I know you can't really feel 'infinite' and that Chobosky was merely grasping for a way to express the unabashed optimism and pure, unadulterated hope that suddenly ignites within you, but I get it. I've felt that way too. And every time I have, music was involved.
One of the things I remember most about West Palm is driving northbound on Jog late one night. Stars sprinkled like salt against a sapphire sky and Jimmy Eat World on the stereo. A Praise Chorus to be exact. Crimson and clover over and over and over and over. I don't know where I was going (based on geography, it must have been either downtown or to The Best Friend's place) and I have vague, hazy memories of my late teenage years in El Dub, but that one night is crystalline.
Flash forward a couple of years. I'm walking to my car after class. Past the fountain and past the construction trucks (We call it Under Construction Forever for a reason) when out of nowhere, the strains of My Girl by The Temptations fill the air. Clear and loud. Even though my love life at that time was lackluster to say the very least, I felt like I'd stumbled into some romantic comedy.
Cut to earlier this week. I'm driving to work, falling in love with blushing cherry blossoms and shocks of bright yellow and red tulips working their way out of the ground. Instead of listening to the inane morning DJ chatter, I pop in a CD I made for Dan (The Admiral Moneybags Mix -- a reference to Logan Echolls on Veronica Mars). A little Foo Fighters, a little Silverchair, a little Dashboard and then, this amazing twinkling piano punctuated by an urgent and persistent drone. The winding, one-lane backroads of suburban Philadelphia, Teenage Wristband by The Twilight Singers and the feeling that in that moment, I was infinite...
April 12, 2008
The Hills: Back To LA
You know, having a job really puts a serious dent in a girl's Hills blogging. I'm like, three weeks behind and have had to resort to watching the episodes online instead of on our seriously amazing television.
Yeah. It's pretty sweet.
However, this works out well for Milla Jovavich because now, I want to spend all my hard-earned ducats on her super-cute Target line.
A breakdown of the episode: Pratt-Daddy moved out of Casa Speidi and intoGatlin She-Pratt's digs, Whitney quit her job at Teen Vogue and got a job as a stylist with People's Revolution, Brody and Lauren get into a tiff because of he said/she said nonsense regarding significant others and Heidi's increasingly plastic facade continued to irritate me even further.
Let's talk about Miss Port's decision to leave Teen Vogue, shall we? Cherry position that hundreds would maim for, frequent trips to Paris, company perks like brushing shoulders with celebrities, the possibility of free couture and a paycheck?! I would do some incredibly shameful things to obtain a position like this and she's just letting it go to become a stylist at People's Revolution.
Speaking of clothing, Miss Montag debuted Heidiwood for clothing retailer, Anchor Blue. Like its namesake, the line is thoroughly mediocre, wildly unremarkable and slightly skanky.
And that brings us to this week's edition of You Look Like A Pratt! Usually, this section is dedicated to the overgrown Gerber Baby that is Spencer Pratt, but every now and then, Heidi steals the spotlight from him.
I would compare her to Barbie, but I think Barbie had slightly less plastic injected into her body. Miss Montag's sadness is about as genuine as that trout pout she's rocking.
If I awarded accolades for Most Annoying Moment, it would have been Heidi's half-wit story telling She-Pratt about the last time Speidi dined at Prana:
"When we were here, Spencer said he was going to get the Muscle Breakfast and I said, 'Why? Because you have no muscles?' and he said, 'Shut up.'
was the most stupid thing I have ever heard. If I had been in the vicinity and had overheard that crap, I would have grabbed the closest pot of hot coffee and flung it in her face. Oh and in case you're wondering, a Muscle Breakfast consists of egg whites, grilled chicken, fresh veggies, fruit and seven-grain toast.
How does She-Pratt have such a sweet apartment?!
When I was 22, I lived in a HUD housing development. That's a pretty way of saying I lived in the projects. I had a meth lab shut down three buildings away from me...and you know what? It was the best time of my life. God, I miss Lush Manor.
Quote of the Week: The honors go to Kelly Cutrone of People's Revolution. During their interview, she actually told Whitney, "You're basically making a deal with the devil." Is Whitney becoming a stylist or a drug mule?
However, Heidi comes in at a close second with, "It's not like we're broken up." Actually, Blondie -- you kind of are. I mean, I realize that when it comes to Pratt-Daddy, being a heinous bitch is de riguere, but when he moves out, takes all his shit with him and expresses a notion to date other women (who these women are, I have no idea. I mean, I'd rather shave my legs with a cheese grater than be in the same zip code as Admiral Asshole).
And to end on a good note:
Lo's back! She's the best friend any girl could ask for -- she's funny, she gives great advice and she's got great taste in clothes (and I'm sure she wouldn't mind sharing). How she doesn't have her own show on MTV is completely beyond me.
Yeah. It's pretty sweet.
However, this works out well for Milla Jovavich because now, I want to spend all my hard-earned ducats on her super-cute Target line.
A breakdown of the episode: Pratt-Daddy moved out of Casa Speidi and into
Let's talk about Miss Port's decision to leave Teen Vogue, shall we? Cherry position that hundreds would maim for, frequent trips to Paris, company perks like brushing shoulders with celebrities, the possibility of free couture and a paycheck?! I would do some incredibly shameful things to obtain a position like this and she's just letting it go to become a stylist at People's Revolution.
Speaking of clothing, Miss Montag debuted Heidiwood for clothing retailer, Anchor Blue. Like its namesake, the line is thoroughly mediocre, wildly unremarkable and slightly skanky.
And that brings us to this week's edition of You Look Like A Pratt! Usually, this section is dedicated to the overgrown Gerber Baby that is Spencer Pratt, but every now and then, Heidi steals the spotlight from him.
I would compare her to Barbie, but I think Barbie had slightly less plastic injected into her body. Miss Montag's sadness is about as genuine as that trout pout she's rocking.
If I awarded accolades for Most Annoying Moment, it would have been Heidi's half-wit story telling She-Pratt about the last time Speidi dined at Prana:
"When we were here, Spencer said he was going to get the Muscle Breakfast and I said, 'Why? Because you have no muscles?' and he said, 'Shut up.'
was the most stupid thing I have ever heard. If I had been in the vicinity and had overheard that crap, I would have grabbed the closest pot of hot coffee and flung it in her face. Oh and in case you're wondering, a Muscle Breakfast consists of egg whites, grilled chicken, fresh veggies, fruit and seven-grain toast.
How does She-Pratt have such a sweet apartment?!
When I was 22, I lived in a HUD housing development. That's a pretty way of saying I lived in the projects. I had a meth lab shut down three buildings away from me...and you know what? It was the best time of my life. God, I miss Lush Manor.
Quote of the Week: The honors go to Kelly Cutrone of People's Revolution. During their interview, she actually told Whitney, "You're basically making a deal with the devil." Is Whitney becoming a stylist or a drug mule?
However, Heidi comes in at a close second with, "It's not like we're broken up." Actually, Blondie -- you kind of are. I mean, I realize that when it comes to Pratt-Daddy, being a heinous bitch is de riguere, but when he moves out, takes all his shit with him and expresses a notion to date other women (who these women are, I have no idea. I mean, I'd rather shave my legs with a cheese grater than be in the same zip code as Admiral Asshole).
And to end on a good note:
Lo's back! She's the best friend any girl could ask for -- she's funny, she gives great advice and she's got great taste in clothes (and I'm sure she wouldn't mind sharing). How she doesn't have her own show on MTV is completely beyond me.
April 3, 2008
The Hills: Paris Changes Everything (Season 3 Premiere)
If you missed the show (like me), you can check it out at MTV.com.
The Hills is back and I've been suckered into it again. To make things even better, the premiere was an hour long, as opposed to the usual half-hour format. Awesome for me, seemingly endless torturous agony for Dan who was in the room while I was watching.
The episode rundown: Lauren and Whitney traipsed around Paris, played Teen Vogue go-fers, attended a debutante ball and hung out with dirty French rockstars, the brilliantly named Rock and Roll. Don't step in the irony. It's dripping all over the place.
Meanwhile stateside, Heidi spent some quality time at her parents' place in Colorado where Pratt-Daddy paid her 'surprise' visit and surprisingly, Heidi was remarkably catty to him the whole time. Good for Heidi...but she's still a complete idiot (more on that later). As for the final member of our fierce foursome, Audrina was nowhere to be seen.
Now, onto the show!
Usually I love Whitney's sartorial choices and think she's all sorts of sassy and fabulous, but that striped sock and shoe combo she was rocking? A little too Wicked Witch of the East for me. I spent the first five minutes of the episode worried that a house would come crashing down on her.
I really liked the 'You're Hearing' feature during the episode. Although, MTV lost serious points for the lack of consistency. I heard a clip of some Kanye track during the episode and it went unattributed. Come on, MTV. Step up your game a little.
Like a bad rash, She-Pratt returns! Stephanie is back and this time, she's armed. Unfortunately, the only weapons in her arsenal are bad eye-makeup, a thoroughly ridiculous facial expression and words ofwisdom sheer incoherent idiocy for her brother.
One such example of She-Pratt's pithy philsophy? "You could think of everything you've done and do the opposite." With pearls like that, I'm surprised the Ivy League isn't on their hands and knees begging her to enroll in one of their institutions.
I would like to know what kind of moisturizer Whitney uses and sink my life-savings into this product. This is what Ms. Port looks like upon awakening:
It's not the best picture, but you get the point.
This leads me to two conclusions:
A) Our God is a vengeful and merciless God.
B) Whitney probably spent 45 minutes with a make-up artist and stylist before this scene was shot.
Stepping aside from The Hills for a second, can we please take a moment and talk about that God-awful Alicia Keys mini-soap that aired during the commercial break? What the hell was that?! Were the producers of that crap trying to out-insipid The Hills because if so, they succeeded in a huge way.
As ridiculous as She-Pratt's quote was, the Quote of the Week award goes to Whitney for sheer inanity. No, not the brilliant, "You love feathers....", but rather her keen observation -- "I'm sure Paris is full of guys cooler than Brody."
Yeah. And so is Three Mile Island. And the Arctic Circle. Ditto Chernobyl, Russia. It's not hard to be cooler than a man whose only claim to fame is nailing other pseudo-celebs, living off a trust fund and playing dress-up with your BFFE, Frankie.
And since we're kicking it old-school, it's time once again for You Look Like A Pratt! This week's epic aesthetic failure had nothing to do with the episode but was so God-awful that I just had to use it:
The 'I Am Not A Tool; I Am Not A Toolbox Or Even A Tool Shed. I Am The Entire Tool Section Of Every Sears Department Store In The Continental U.S.'
Now, usually I'm not an advocate of hunting for sport, but in this case? I think an exception can be made.
Speaking of scummy guys, let's meet Rock and Roll. They're unwashed, they're French and they're (hopefully) totally irrelevant.
Strike One: Paul the drummer's Flock of Seagulls hairdo. I realize he's a drummer and that everything everything old is new again, but not this. Never this. Ever. Homeboy needs to ditch the Aquanet post-haste.
Strike Two: Mattias. He looks like one of those creepy 42-year-olds that hang out in bars and scam on college girls, despite having every last one of their advances shot down.
Saving grace: The band has a designated tambourine player!
Lauren Pretty-In-Pinking her ball gown seemed like a disastrous idea from the get-go and then, when she burned it with her iron, my only thoughts were, "Cinderella, you're screwed."
But, this is not reality (despite what Whitney said during the episode). This is an amazing fantasy land where you can wreck a couture dress and then, poof! A new, even cuter one miraculously appears! The Hills are more magical than Hogwarts!
Despite my sniping, this season looks great -- Audrina and Heidi hanging out! She-Pratt realizing that hanging out with Lauren will increase her celebrity status way more than hanging out with her industrial-sized feminine hygiene product of a brother who stages photoshoots with his talentless girlfriend! A new puppy! Lo!
The Hills is back and that makes me feel how Lauren looks (damn it, she is adorable):
The Hills is back and I've been suckered into it again. To make things even better, the premiere was an hour long, as opposed to the usual half-hour format. Awesome for me, seemingly endless torturous agony for Dan who was in the room while I was watching.
The episode rundown: Lauren and Whitney traipsed around Paris, played Teen Vogue go-fers, attended a debutante ball and hung out with dirty French rockstars, the brilliantly named Rock and Roll. Don't step in the irony. It's dripping all over the place.
Meanwhile stateside, Heidi spent some quality time at her parents' place in Colorado where Pratt-Daddy paid her 'surprise' visit and surprisingly, Heidi was remarkably catty to him the whole time. Good for Heidi...but she's still a complete idiot (more on that later). As for the final member of our fierce foursome, Audrina was nowhere to be seen.
Now, onto the show!
Usually I love Whitney's sartorial choices and think she's all sorts of sassy and fabulous, but that striped sock and shoe combo she was rocking? A little too Wicked Witch of the East for me. I spent the first five minutes of the episode worried that a house would come crashing down on her.
I really liked the 'You're Hearing' feature during the episode. Although, MTV lost serious points for the lack of consistency. I heard a clip of some Kanye track during the episode and it went unattributed. Come on, MTV. Step up your game a little.
Like a bad rash, She-Pratt returns! Stephanie is back and this time, she's armed. Unfortunately, the only weapons in her arsenal are bad eye-makeup, a thoroughly ridiculous facial expression and words of
One such example of She-Pratt's pithy philsophy? "You could think of everything you've done and do the opposite." With pearls like that, I'm surprised the Ivy League isn't on their hands and knees begging her to enroll in one of their institutions.
I would like to know what kind of moisturizer Whitney uses and sink my life-savings into this product. This is what Ms. Port looks like upon awakening:
It's not the best picture, but you get the point.
This leads me to two conclusions:
A) Our God is a vengeful and merciless God.
B) Whitney probably spent 45 minutes with a make-up artist and stylist before this scene was shot.
Stepping aside from The Hills for a second, can we please take a moment and talk about that God-awful Alicia Keys mini-soap that aired during the commercial break? What the hell was that?! Were the producers of that crap trying to out-insipid The Hills because if so, they succeeded in a huge way.
As ridiculous as She-Pratt's quote was, the Quote of the Week award goes to Whitney for sheer inanity. No, not the brilliant, "You love feathers....", but rather her keen observation -- "I'm sure Paris is full of guys cooler than Brody."
Yeah. And so is Three Mile Island. And the Arctic Circle. Ditto Chernobyl, Russia. It's not hard to be cooler than a man whose only claim to fame is nailing other pseudo-celebs, living off a trust fund and playing dress-up with your BFFE, Frankie.
And since we're kicking it old-school, it's time once again for You Look Like A Pratt! This week's epic aesthetic failure had nothing to do with the episode but was so God-awful that I just had to use it:
The 'I Am Not A Tool; I Am Not A Toolbox Or Even A Tool Shed. I Am The Entire Tool Section Of Every Sears Department Store In The Continental U.S.'
Now, usually I'm not an advocate of hunting for sport, but in this case? I think an exception can be made.
Speaking of scummy guys, let's meet Rock and Roll. They're unwashed, they're French and they're (hopefully) totally irrelevant.
Strike One: Paul the drummer's Flock of Seagulls hairdo. I realize he's a drummer and that everything everything old is new again, but not this. Never this. Ever. Homeboy needs to ditch the Aquanet post-haste.
Strike Two: Mattias. He looks like one of those creepy 42-year-olds that hang out in bars and scam on college girls, despite having every last one of their advances shot down.
Saving grace: The band has a designated tambourine player!
Lauren Pretty-In-Pinking her ball gown seemed like a disastrous idea from the get-go and then, when she burned it with her iron, my only thoughts were, "Cinderella, you're screwed."
But, this is not reality (despite what Whitney said during the episode). This is an amazing fantasy land where you can wreck a couture dress and then, poof! A new, even cuter one miraculously appears! The Hills are more magical than Hogwarts!
Despite my sniping, this season looks great -- Audrina and Heidi hanging out! She-Pratt realizing that hanging out with Lauren will increase her celebrity status way more than hanging out with her industrial-sized feminine hygiene product of a brother who stages photoshoots with his talentless girlfriend! A new puppy! Lo!
The Hills is back and that makes me feel how Lauren looks (damn it, she is adorable):
Can we go back to the days our love was strong?
Let's say my blog was your boyfriend. He'd be really cute. Kind of like Scott Wolf:
But lately, blog-boyfriend would be a bit of jerk. He wouldn't call nearly as much as he used to and he'd forget that Saturday night was date night and leave you alone in the restaurant, sobbing in your fifth glass of merlot.
BUT -- he's not a bad guy! No, blog-boyfriend has just been crazy busy lately with work and moving into his new place. He hasn't even had time to watch ESPN (and by ESPN, I mean the new season of The Hills, but I hear there is some serious drama brewing. Audrina and Heidi = BFF?! She-Pratt hanging out with Lauren?! Walter Tango Foxtrot, has the world gone mad??)
Anyway, blog-boyfriend still loves you. More than anyone in the world, babygirl. And to prove it to you, he comes bearing gifts...and afterwards, he promises to cuddle all night long.
Wild Horses (The Rolling Stones feat. The Black Crowes) -- I've got nineteen versions of it on my iTunes. Everything from the original to a UPenn acapella choir cover. In fact, this song is even going to be our first dance at the wedding. You'll be hard-pressed to find a mix I won't include it on.
Keep Fishing (Weezer) -- Rolling Stone Magazine called it a hard-rockin’ valentine. I’m inclined to agree. Besides, a video featuring the Muppets? This girl's in love. Question -- who is your favorite Muppet? I have two -- Gonzo and Pepe. Gonzo because he was so sweet and because I saw a lot of myself in him and Pepe because he's just flat out hilarious. Don't believe me? Check it out:
Whutchu Want (Nine) -- A hip hop gem begat to me by Willis begat to him by the man, the myth, the Brizz. I've been trying to figure out what this track interpolates for years now. Anyone out there know?
My Hero [Live] (The Foo Fighters) -- This song makes me wanna fling my boy shorts at Mr. Grohl and company. Hopefully, you’ll play it for someone and have the same sort of reaction.
Hold My Hand (New Found Glory) -- Coral Springs Easy Core at its finest. They put me in such a good mood, they remind me of a time when I wasn’t such totally old and lame and could actually handle being on the periphery of a moshpit. Now, not so much. Kids get all rowdy and I start looking for the nearest place I can get a ridiculously overpriced beer.
Proyecto Uno (El Tiburon) -- South Florida is sunshine and baked asphalt, Publix subs and sweet tea, flip-flops everywhere and meringue hip-hop blaring out of open car windows. I never really realized just how quiet my life is without it. Everytime I feel homesick, I pump up the volume on this track and pretty soon -- I'm back in SoFla again....even if it's 20 degrees and snowing outside.
Into The Groove (Madonna) -- While I'm not a fan of Madonna's latest incarnation (rhymes about soy lattes and Mini Coopers, odes to 16th century rabbis), I adore the old-school stuff. If you ever catch me dancing around in my underwear, odds are -- it'll probably be to an old-school Madonna track. (I'm just realizing that this is the second reference to underwear and music in this post. Hmmm...)
For The Mothers In Paradise, For The Fatherless in Ypsilanti (Sufjan Stevens) -- You think banjo and the Deliverance score starts playing in your head, but Sufjan Stevens takes the banjo away from its rural roots and make it sound heartwrenchingly pretty and hipster-approved. I discovered this song thanks to The O.C. and it's been a staple of my most-played list ever since.
Soft Serve (Soul Coughing) -- A funky groove and delicious lyrics. Straight men and gay women -- wouldn't you want to be with a girl who had a body like soft serve?
On Bended Knee (Boyz II Men) -- Because when you're sorry, I mean really sorry -- Boyz II Men know exactly how you feel. See? Oh and Lisa Turtle, why you gotta be such a biggedy-bitch? I mean, damn! You never treated Screech right and now you're busting Wanya Morris' balls too? When will it end?
But lately, blog-boyfriend would be a bit of jerk. He wouldn't call nearly as much as he used to and he'd forget that Saturday night was date night and leave you alone in the restaurant, sobbing in your fifth glass of merlot.
BUT -- he's not a bad guy! No, blog-boyfriend has just been crazy busy lately with work and moving into his new place. He hasn't even had time to watch ESPN (and by ESPN, I mean the new season of The Hills, but I hear there is some serious drama brewing. Audrina and Heidi = BFF?! She-Pratt hanging out with Lauren?! Walter Tango Foxtrot, has the world gone mad??)
Anyway, blog-boyfriend still loves you. More than anyone in the world, babygirl. And to prove it to you, he comes bearing gifts...and afterwards, he promises to cuddle all night long.
Wild Horses (The Rolling Stones feat. The Black Crowes) -- I've got nineteen versions of it on my iTunes. Everything from the original to a UPenn acapella choir cover. In fact, this song is even going to be our first dance at the wedding. You'll be hard-pressed to find a mix I won't include it on.
Keep Fishing (Weezer) -- Rolling Stone Magazine called it a hard-rockin’ valentine. I’m inclined to agree. Besides, a video featuring the Muppets? This girl's in love. Question -- who is your favorite Muppet? I have two -- Gonzo and Pepe. Gonzo because he was so sweet and because I saw a lot of myself in him and Pepe because he's just flat out hilarious. Don't believe me? Check it out:
Whutchu Want (Nine) -- A hip hop gem begat to me by Willis begat to him by the man, the myth, the Brizz. I've been trying to figure out what this track interpolates for years now. Anyone out there know?
My Hero [Live] (The Foo Fighters) -- This song makes me wanna fling my boy shorts at Mr. Grohl and company. Hopefully, you’ll play it for someone and have the same sort of reaction.
Hold My Hand (New Found Glory) -- Coral Springs Easy Core at its finest. They put me in such a good mood, they remind me of a time when I wasn’t such totally old and lame and could actually handle being on the periphery of a moshpit. Now, not so much. Kids get all rowdy and I start looking for the nearest place I can get a ridiculously overpriced beer.
Proyecto Uno (El Tiburon) -- South Florida is sunshine and baked asphalt, Publix subs and sweet tea, flip-flops everywhere and meringue hip-hop blaring out of open car windows. I never really realized just how quiet my life is without it. Everytime I feel homesick, I pump up the volume on this track and pretty soon -- I'm back in SoFla again....even if it's 20 degrees and snowing outside.
Into The Groove (Madonna) -- While I'm not a fan of Madonna's latest incarnation (rhymes about soy lattes and Mini Coopers, odes to 16th century rabbis), I adore the old-school stuff. If you ever catch me dancing around in my underwear, odds are -- it'll probably be to an old-school Madonna track. (I'm just realizing that this is the second reference to underwear and music in this post. Hmmm...)
For The Mothers In Paradise, For The Fatherless in Ypsilanti (Sufjan Stevens) -- You think banjo and the Deliverance score starts playing in your head, but Sufjan Stevens takes the banjo away from its rural roots and make it sound heartwrenchingly pretty and hipster-approved. I discovered this song thanks to The O.C. and it's been a staple of my most-played list ever since.
Soft Serve (Soul Coughing) -- A funky groove and delicious lyrics. Straight men and gay women -- wouldn't you want to be with a girl who had a body like soft serve?
On Bended Knee (Boyz II Men) -- Because when you're sorry, I mean really sorry -- Boyz II Men know exactly how you feel. See? Oh and Lisa Turtle, why you gotta be such a biggedy-bitch? I mean, damn! You never treated Screech right and now you're busting Wanya Morris' balls too? When will it end?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)