I'm saving my sick-days till when I'm feeling better.

I've been sick for the past couple of days (just a cold and not the hye-nye...I hope) and as a result, I've been a bit of a grouchy bastard.

Bound to happen, really. I mean, my throat feel like someone vigorously attacked it with a cheese grater, my head feel like an orange on a toothpick and I have about as much energy as an extra from Dawn of the Dead. You'd be a grouchy bastard too.

So, to make up for all that bad mojo, here is a list of unrelated things that make me feel like less of a grouchy bastard and more like my cheerful, sunny self:

- The phrase 'Grouchy bastard.'
- Dan going on Wawa runs for me and coming home with hot chocolate and soft pretzels. I love that man.
- Soft pretzels from the Philly Pretzel Factory. They're even better when they're slightly burned. Mmmm....
- Hoodies, jeans and flip-flops and weather that facilitates the wearing of the aforementioned (mid 60s and sunny).
- The way sunlight sparkles through leaves.
- Realizing there is an applicable Simpsons quote for pretty much every situation.
- Any conversation with my sister.
- Finding really old mix CDs in your car -- I still love-love-love Something Corporate.
- French fries from Five Guys. Perfectly salted, crunchy and best of all, they actually taste like potatoes.
- The Guardian's Word of Mouth blog.
- The smell of cedar smoke.
- Clean-smelling cologne. We had some suits in the office a few weeks ago and while none of them were particularly attractive, they smelled amazing and actually had me swooning for a second. Chalk it up to the power of Hugo Boss.
- Boston Terriers. Especially cuddly ones with overbites



- Adam Carolla.
- The return of Fringe. I'm so glad that Joshua Jackson is back on television again.
- The B.S. Report with Bill Simmons.
- American Eagle T-Shirts. So comfy.
- Making faces with my nieces. Theirs are always so much cuter than mine.
- Balsamic vinegar drizzled on pizza.
- Listening to Norah Jones on a rainy afternoon.
- Smokey Robinson's cover of Don't Know Why.
- Forehead kisses.
- Gin cocktails.
- Charles Bukowski's poetry.
- My tumblr. It's a virtual inspiration board and I kinda love/need that.
- Andrea of Caffeinate Me. She inspired this post, she's one of my favorite bloggers and the girl has kickass taste in pretty much everything ever.

Oh ok. Down came the rain and washed the spider... oh bollocks.

Welcome to Running Commentary Friday! I think this might become a blog staple.

Let me set the stage for you -- I'm sleepy, undercaffeinated, cold and rain-soaked. Oh yeah. It's going to be a good day.

7:36: I would like to know which half-wit planned the corporate center I work in. Running through a streaming river in the pouring rain, sodding my jeans and freezing my toes is not a good way to start a Friday morning.
7:57: I love technology. Dana and I watched The Vampire Diaries "together" last night despite living 1000 miles apart. As for the show, it was a pretty solid pilot -- funny, smart, filled with pretty people and just enough teenage angst to keep things interesting. As Dana put it last night, "I want a Stefan and Damon sandwich....with Dana in the middle!" See, this is why she's one of my best friends. Well, that coupled with the fact that she's got great taste in music, always down to eat good food and makes me cackle when I laugh. Good times.
8:22: Now that England has officially qualified for the World Cup, I need to start making plans. #1 - I need to make it down to Florida to watch games with my sister and my boys (Biffle, McGillis -- I'm looking in your direction) and #2 - I need to stock up on red and white facepaint.
8:38: Speaking of red, I'm trying to determine what I'm allergic to. I have a very angry-looking, itchy red splotch on the left side of my neck. Perfume? Lotion? Either way, it's not cute.
8:57: Police officer just walked in. Mmmm....hope everything's OK. The last thing we need is a mandatory evac.
9:25: No, not again. I... why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window.
9:26: Samir is my homeboy.
9:30: Annnndddd, there's a tornado watch in effect. Awesome.
10:02: Flash flood watch until 4:00? Even better.
10:14: Mmmm....soft pretzel. I love Philly.
10:46: Yay for co-workers having babies! Congratulations, Shawn! I can't wait to see pictures of your baby boy!
12:46: Mmmm....Mediterranean orzo pasta salad.
1:07: Note to self -- do not watch The Glenn Beck Show tonight. Don't even pause on it when you're channel-surfing because the hypocrisy will cause you to stroke out. I seriously do not have a middle finger big enough for this d-bag.
1:23: As a general rule, camgirls are morons when it comes to politics. And sometimes, they're hypocrites too! Fun times!
1:47: Itchy....itchy....itchy......
1:51: Dude, the 2009 Graduation Mickey Ears aren't available? Damn it. I was going to get my sister a pair in anticipation for our Disney Graduation Extravaganza.
1:52: Any Disney rides I must hit? We've never been (and I lived in Orlando for four years, can you believe that?) and I'd appreciate the recommendations.
3:09: Who is making popcorn? It smells like a movie theater and I'm salivating like one of Pavlov's pooches. Although, you know what? Not really a fan of movie theater popcorn anymore. It tastes different now than it did when I was a kid. Less delicious, more styrofoam peanutty. And Golden Topping? What the effery is that? Firstly, golden is not a flavor and what the hell is it? It's some sort of dubious liquid that may as well be motor oil and people drench their food with it. Blech. They should sell kettle corn in movie theaters. That would be awesome.
3:40: I'm delivering board books. Here's to hoping my craptastic sense of direction fails me spectacularly.
4:17: Eff you in the eye, Mapquest. Why are so you insistent on giving me the longest, most inefficient route possible?
4:38: Jamison Parker's cover of Everybody Wants To Rule The World rules!
4:47: Dude, how am I lost on a driveway? Jesus, where is this house anyway?
4:49: Holy mother of God...she lives in a museum.
4:58: I. Hate. Unpaved. Roads.
5:10: Sweatpants and a t-shirt from 1998 = Awesome.

Grace in Small Things - 8/365

1. My sister's graduation present. Dan and I are taking her to the Magic Kingdom. I can't wait!

2. Sam Trammell who plays Sam Merlotte on True Blood. I really, really want to smooch him. Really.



I have dreams about it and everything. He tastes like Jack and Coke. My dreams are Vivid (and yes, that's intentional capitalization because I'm cheeky).

3.New drinks at Starbucks. I'm pretty straightforward when it comes to my drink order - nonfat, no whip vanilla latte, but this weekend, I tried both the Pumpkin Spice chai and the espresso truffle and now, I am in love. So good.

4. Ploughman's Pickle sandwiches. English, totally delicious (despite that face Dan made when he opened the jar for me and took a whiff of the pickley goodness within) and available for me to munch on at all times since I bought a jar of the stuff at Wegman's. Mmmm...English food.

5. Cinnamon-Struesel candles burning in a clean apartment.

6. Supernatural. Dan picked up the first season on DVD yesterday and we blew through three episodes by bedtime. It's like a younger X-Files that focuses less on little green men and more on things that go bump in the night. Smart, well-written and legitimately creepy. I'm a fan.

I got married at the Chapel O' Love....?!

Dan and I had another conversation about weddings last night and it ended where it always ends -- up in the air.

The wedding industrial complex is a money-hungry beast intent on devouring every last red cent you have...and unbelievably enough, people are more than willing to feed it.

There's the ceremony, the location for the reception, the caterer, the open bar, the DJ, the rings, the dress, the suit, the invitations, the flowers, the photographer, the favors and a litany of other things I'm sure I'm forgetting.

According to CostofWedding.com, the average price of a wedding in my zip code is between $39,164 and $65,274.

What. The. Fuck?

That's a salary. That's actually more than a salary to some people. And it all goes towards one day.

Wow...

So, let's do a line by line breakdown of how much it would cost for your neighborhood friendly blogger to get married, shall we?

Ceremony: Dan and I would actually save money here since we're planning a completely secular union. Not holding the ceremony in a church or paying a pandit to tell us when to walk around a fire = cash in pocket. Sweet. Of course, we might regret this decision when we're roasting in the fiery pits of hell or when we're reincarnated as tapeworms, but for right now -- we're golden.

Reception Location: Our biggest problem here is finding a convenient location for both his family (who live in Pennsylvania) and my family (who live in Florida). Initially, I thought Florida would work as a viable option because his family could come for the wedding and stay for the theme parks. However, once I realized how inconvenient (and expensive) it would be for me to tour the facility and meet with caterers, DJs and photographers - I put the kibosh on it. A good location is also pretty costly -- most I've seen start at $1000 and it's more if you want to get married on a weekend (which we do).

CostofWedding.com says:

$1,680-$2,800

Caterer: We need a caterer who cooks good vegetarian food. When half of your guests are vegetarians, a pasta and grilled veggie plate just isn't going to cut it. If I was definitely getting married in Philly, I would have Palace at the Ben cater the affair -- not only would they make the Indian contingent happy, but their rates are 50% less than most other caterers.

$65 a person (non-vegetarian catering) x 60 = $3,900
$25 a person (vegetarian) x 40 = $1000

Total: $4,900

Open Bar: No question about it, you need an open bar at your wedding. No bar = no fun = everyone hates you = you die alone and friendless. While I'm a big advocate of getting my friends and family hammered, it's an expensive endeavor. Remember that time you got bombed on Jager and bought everyone a round? Times that by 100. Yeah.

CostofWedding.com says:

$3,059-$5,098

The DJ: Any DJ who relies on the Chicken Dance and the Electric Slide should be taken out back and drowned in a puddle. I don't need Steve Aoki or Samantha Ronson to spin at my wedding, but I want someone who can effortlessly segue between Motown, classic rock, pop, the standards and R&B. I'm totally serious about that Chicken Dance thing, by the way. I fully plan on having a ClearChannel-esque Do Not Play list and God help the poor bastard if he ignores it. I'll stab him with the cake topper.

CostofWedding.com says:

$864-$1,436

The Rings: I don't need something from Tiffany's and I'm pretty sure Dan doesn't either.

CostofWedding.com says:

Bride: $1,367-$2,278
Groom: $1,098-$1,831

Total: $2,465 (if we went with the cheapest option)

Wardrobe: In a perfect world, this would be my wedding dress:

Unfortunately, this is the real world and in the real world, I am not BFF with John Galliano. Damn.

$395 for this dress
$350 for accessories (shoes and jewelry)
$400 for Dan's suit
$200 for accessories (tie, cufflinks, shoes)
Hair (according to CostofWedding): $102-$170
Make-Up: (according to CostofWedding): $81-$135
Manicure/Pedicure (according to CostofWedding): $66-110

Total: $1,594 (if we went with the cheapest options)

Invitations: I'm picky when it comes to typography and graphic design, so I want cool invitations. Not cardstock with garish Lucida text screaming at me. Two of the best ones I've seen online feature a pretzel twisted into the shape of a heart (so Philly) and one that resembles the tracklist of a mix-tape. Awesome and original. In addition to invitations, you also need place cards and thank you cards. Sorry, Rainforest.

CostofWedding says:

Invitations: $356-$594
Place Cards: $19.99 at moo.com
Thank You Cards: $98-$164

Total: $473.99 (if we went with the cheapest options)

Flowers: I'm not a flower person at all. I have a black thumb, not a green one and don't really see the point of having a bouquet. That nets us a saving of $196-$327 (and sidebar: for flowers?! Seriously?! They're going to die in less than 24 hours!)

Photographer: Another thing I'm picky about. I took a photography class in college and realized there's way more to it than pointing and shooting. It's incredibly technical and a good photographer is hard to find. Besides, if this is themostimportantdayofyourlife®, you probably want to be well-lit.

CostofWedding says:

$1,875-$3,124

Favors: We're doing mix CDs of music heard at the wedding as well as a few of our favorite tracks. Why? It's personal, cheap and honestly, no-one really cares about those crappy little candles.

100 Blank CDs: $30
100 CD Jewel Cases: $36.99

Total: $66.99

So, the grand total for our wedding so far:

Location: $1,680
Food: $4,900
Bar: $3,059
DJ: $864
Rings: $2,465
Wardrobe: $1,594
Invitations/Paper Goods: $473.99
Photographer: $1,875
Favors: $66.99

Grand Total: $16,977.98...and that's leaving a whole bunch of stuff out (gifts for the wedding party, save-the-date magnets, airfare if we hold the wedding in Florida...).

Seventeen thousand dollars.

The financial burden usually falls on the bride's family, but this bride-to-be? My parents are small business-owners in a lousy economy. They've got a mortgage and car payments like everyone else. You really think I'm going to ask them to pony up $17K? Come on, that's a dick move.

So, $17,000+. We could buy a new car, put some money down for a house, buy awesome new furniture, travel around Europe or we could have a wedding. I realize that when you get married, you get some of the money back but this isn't Goodfellas. We're not going be making $17K back. No way.

Do I want a wedding? Yes.
Can I afford one? No.

Life's tough. Get a helmet.

Fat Elvis impersonator, here we come....

Herman Melville was such an overlooked nobody when he was alive that when he died, his obituary reported his name as Henry Melville

"I'm a rock critic. I also write and record music. I write poetry, fiction, straight journalism, unstraight journalism, beatnik drivel, mortifying love letters, death threats to white jazz critics signed "The Mau Maus of East Harlem," and once a year my own obituary (latest entry: "He was promising...")." - Lester Bangs.

While I am not a rock critic nor musician, I do consider myself a writer. I write fiction, scripts, straight journalism, blog posts, television recaps about truly awful shows, poetry so bad it would impress the Vogons, frothing, foaming emails about how I would like advocates of creationism to be consumed by a hoard of rabid, starving raptors and notes inside greeting cards which fall just short of being clever.

As Mr. Bangs' work is inclined to do, it got me thinking.

I've read entirely too many of my high school classmates' obituaries and I'm struck by two things.

One -- I'm way too young to be reading an obit for someone who sat behind me in biology class.
Two -- Obits are, as a general rule, total bullshit.

They're soft-focus memories of a person coupled with generic writing that could be about anyone. I'm sure they're done with the best intentions and can be comforting in times of grief, but I'd much rather memorialize someone for a unique attribute (like wearing plaid golf pants every day in eighth grade) than the fact that he was an accountant.

So, I'm taking a page out of Bangs' book and writing my own.

Am I tempting fate by doing this? I hope not. I want to live to be an old woman with skin like paper with a penchant for wearing Pucci caftans and making great cookies (I'm still working on the cookie thing and you know I've realized? The doughboy is my homeboy).

Is it morbid to write your own obit? Sure, but I think I know myself better than anyone else does and I'd much rather go out in my own words than anyone else's.