That's some funky lemonade you got going there, babe

I know. I know. I've been Little Miss M.I.A. lately. Don't worry, though. I won't chungk-chungk-chungk and take your monayyyy.

I've been insanely busy lately. I know everyone says that and when you ask why, they tell you something lame, like they just got a goldfish or something, but the past 30 days really have been nuts.

To recap:

Dan and I went on our immigration interview, I got my employment authorization card, a new job and new digs (we're still in the process of moving in, so right now -- our decorating style can best be described as refugee camp chic). I celebrated my 25th birthday and Meme's bachelorette, my sister got into a bit of a rough car accident (she's fine, but if I ever meet the asshole who cut her off and caused the wreck? I'll snap him in two), I thought I saw Ron Livingston on the way to work (I didn't), Dan won $100 in the lottery and after fourteen years -- I finally got my green card!

Yeah. I think that's about it. So, see? Girl's been busy. However, to make up for my negligence -- I promise a blog post very, very soon filled with goodies (read: music).

Until then, be good!

LOST: The Other Woman

If you missed the episode, ABC.com is airing the episode for free in streaming HD.

Other cool links for you to check out?

+ Hi-res screencaps and reworked audio samples @ Lost Easter Eggs.
+ Let's Talk Lost @ Pop Candy
+ Jeff Jensen @ EW.com -- Never Ben Kissed

Now, let's get down on it.

I'm sure Michael Emerson is a very nice man, but if I ever saw him in public -- I would be absolutely terrified. This guy sells crazy better than anyone. Yes, that includes Courtney Love...although, I don't think it counts as selling crazy if you actually are guano crazy.

Anyway, Ben owned last night's episode and we got to see him as a very multi-faceted individual as opposed to the creepy bug-eyed master manipulator who has all the Losties feeling on edge. So, let's meet them, shall we?



There was Giddy Ben complete with date night playset (rack of lamb sold separately)

=

There was Possessive Lunatic Ben -- a fella fairly reminiscent of the Duke from Moulin Rouge ("I don't like people touching my things!!").

And then, there was Cocky Ben whose nonchalant delivery stole the show:

Locke: Do you have a plan?
Ben (nonchalant, not even really paying attention): Yeah. I always have a plan.

Ain't it the truth, Mr. Linus.

Basic Rundown of Events:

ON ISLAND: Charlotte and Faraday give Team Jack the slip as they head off into the jungle to find the Tempest. No, not the Shakespeare comedy but the station filled to the brim with a deadly gas that will kill everything on the Island if not vented correctly and made inert.

Jack and Juliet go after them and Juliet encounters a character from her past in the jungle. Amidst a torrential downpour and the omnipresent whispers, Harper appears. Who's Harper? Well, before Goodwin played Romeo to Juliet, he was married to Harper, a leonine woman who is also the Island therapist. In the words of Jet, she's a cold, hard bitch and makes no pretenses about it. Doc Harper tells Juliet that Ben wants her stop the Charlotte and Faraday. Then, as mysteriously as she appeared, she's gone. Another Dub Tee Eff moment bought to you by Lost.

In the jungle, the Freighter Twosome encounter Kate and she starts asking questions leading to Charlotte pistol-whipping Ms. Austen and knocking her out. Charlotte's gonna pay for that one. Trust me. Jack and Juliet find Kate in the jungle. The good doctor tends to her while Juliet disappears in search of Faraday and Charlotte.

Meanwhile in Locke-Land, Ben talks his way out of his holding cell and shows Locke a tape of Charles Widmore brutally beating one of Ben's 'people.' It's not Penny's boat, it's her father's...but we already kind of knew that, didn't we? Ben shows Locke the tape (recorded over a Red Sox game -- smart man. Boston teams can suck it long and hard) in an effort to:

A) convince Locke that the Freighter Folk aren't good Samaritans and that there's some seriously nefarious mojo afoot.

B) wrangle his way out of the holding cell and back to the warm and comfy barracks. Which he does (leading to a particularly funny moment when Ben tells the slack-jawed Hurley and Sawyer that he’ll see them at dinner).

Juliet finds the Freighter Twins at the Tempest and gets into a girl-fight with Charlotte while Daniel furiously pounds his...keyboard. Come on, guys. This is ABC, not Skin-E-Max.

Farraday succeeds in venting the gas correctly and the trio are met outside by Jack and Kate. Still sore about being donkey-punched in the head by a piece, Kate takes Charlotte aside, leaving Juliet and Jack alone. She tells him what an obsessive freak-show Ben is and how he won’t be pleased about their pseudo-relationship. Jack says he doesn’t care and they kiss. Because I’m awesome and kick it old-school, I imagined Charlie Salinger and Kristen Bennett smooching instead. God, I miss Party of Five.

Flashback: Juliet.

We learn more about everyone's favorite fertility doctor. She arrives on-Island and Ben’s instantly smitten. He arranges for her to live in a sweet house, he makes her dinner and he does that totally girlie ‘accidental’ finger brush move. But since Juliet looks like Juliet and Ben looks like Ben, she’s not having any of it. If this was high school, Ben would be the guy driving by Juliet's house a couple times a night, constantly calling her cell and making her mixtapes featuring I’ll Be Watching You by The Police. But, this is Wild Monkey Island, not Wild Monkey High so instead, Ben sends Goodwin off to his death and later, brings Juliet to see his decomposing body. It’s at this romantic spot that Ben tenderly tells Juliet that she’s his. And by tenderly, I mean he shouts, “You’re mine” in a manner that would terrify most anyone and lead to a pretty serious restraining order to be placed in effect.

Questions and Theories:

Widmore's not the big bad. Ben is. Showing Locke the tape of Charles Widmore getting his Gotti on is nothing more than a diversionary tactic. Widmore is a captain of industry and while those guys are undeniably detestable excuses for human beings, I’m pretty sure Widmore never gassed his colleagues and father.

How did Ben get a message out to Harper? Homeboy was locked up like Michael Vick.

On that note, how did Harper mysteriously appear and disappear? Is she dead? If so, how can Jack see her? Does she have anything to do with the whispers since they coincided with her arrival and finally, did anyone else think she looked like Jocelyn Wildenstein?

Next week – a heliocentric episode. Get it? ‘Cause it’s about Sun? Dude, whatever, dude. I’m awesome.

Lessons I've Learned In The Workplace

Don't forget your lunch. If you do, you will end up spending an astronomical amount of money on a coffee cup filled with mediocre fruit and a dinky bottle of grapefruit juice. Oh and the delivery guy will make fun of you for ordering such a wussy lunch.

Filing is God's punishment for those who have ever experienced a moment of happiness in their lives. Anyone who has ever enjoyed a cold beer on a hot day or celebrated when their team won or kissed someone or smiled? God will smite you by making you file.

There is no better feeling in the world than taking off your work clothes and putting on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt you've had since 1998.

When bursting out laughing, pick a better moment than when your supervisor is walking by. This wasn't my fault, though. Seriously. I emailed Dan to let him know that I had a shamrock sugar cookie for him ('cause I'm a good fiance and pass on all the baked goods that are given to me) and he responded with, "Mmmm....Irish weed cookie. Wait a minute...."

Working a nine-to-five will lead the creation of a tapeworm in your stomach. Seriously. I came home last night and ate grinder the size of a toddler. A grinder, in case you're unfamiliar with Philly vernacular, is a glorious sandwich filled with deliciousness and then, topped with cheese and broiled. Imagine Victoria's Secret models copulating with rockstars. Yeah. That's how good it is.

The last twenty minutes of every day are the longest of your life. Every infernal sixty second increment crawls by as slow as the express lane at the supermarket when an old lady decides to pay in pennies.

In other news:

Jill and Jaime's Birthday Bash Bonanza is happening this Saturday in Dub C. I don't know where we'll end up, but if you see a tipsy little brown girl around town, buy her another drink! She's cute, she's perky and she's almost 25!

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip makes me want to be a writer. No. Wait. Me being me makes me want to be a writer. Studio 60 just makes me jones for the writer's room even more.

I almost dislocated my neck on Wednesday because I thought I saw Ron Livingston on the road. My fantasy came crashing down around my ankles when I realized that:

A) Ron Livingston probably wouldn't be driving a silver Ford Focus.

B) Aside from the obvious 'coming to sweep me off my feet', there isn't really any reason for Livingston to be in the Philly suburbs.

I was heartbroken. Dan was not. You know, in some ways -- we are very different people.

I think I watch too much television...

Yesterday was a bit of a momentous occasion for me. I went to the bank to deposit my first ever paycheck.

I arrive at the bank at 12:31 on Saturday afternoon. It's closed. What kind of assery is this? I mean, did Wachovia decide that people don't need money on Saturday? 'Cause I'm pretty sure they do.

Anyway, I pull up to the bank drive-thru and basically super-extended every muscle in my body trying to type in my pin. Drive thrus of any design are not made for the short. Anyone who has ever seen me attempt to order a Frosty and fries at Wendy's can attest to this.

I punch all the appropriate buttons and finally, I'm ready to feed the machine. At the exact moment I realize I haven't filled out my information on my deposit slip, I push the final button to complete my transaction.

A deafening horn blares out and scares the hell out of me. WHONK! WHONK! WHONK! WHONK!

Holy shit. The Wachovia Drive-Thru is the Hatch.

=

My body goes into panic mode and I pretty much throw myself at the drive thru and attempt to punch in '4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42' so I don't cause some sort of bizarre electromagnetic anomaly and destroy the world.

Luckily, Dan maintains some semblance of sanity and pulls me back into the car. Very rationally, he explains that the world will not end if I don't put in my deposit slip in time, helps me fill out the necessary information and finally puts an end to the insane blaring (and then, he got me Chik-Fil-A 'cause he's my hero).

So Wachovia -- I have two suggestions for you:

1). Ixnay the crazy hours. I can understand being closed on Sunday, but dude? Saturday afternoon? Cut a girl a break.
2). No more siren at the drive-thru. If you're a sane and rational person, it's mildly irritating. If you're me, though? It'll make you think that you're part of a fictional television show and heavily underline the fact that you're nuts.

LOST: The Constant

I realize this is two days late and about a buck fifty short, but cut me a break. Girl's gotta earn those ducats.

Anyway, if you still haven't seen it, get to ABC.com right now and check it out.

Other cool links for you to check out?

+ Hi-res screencaps and reworked audio samples @ Lost Easter Eggs.
+ Let's Talk Lost @ Pop Candy
+ Jeff Jensen @ EW.com -- '96 Tears

Let's get to the meat behind the beat, shall we?

Flash: Desmond Hume.



Despite the fact that Desmond visits 1996, I wouldn't categorize this as a flashback. Much like the protagonist of Kurt Vonnegut's classic Slaughterhouse Five, Desmond is definitely unstuck in time.

Let's break it down:

Real Time: Frank Lapidus is flying the helicopter back to the freighter. He flies through a possibly electromagnetic thunderstorm, possibly deviating from the precise coordinates Farraday gave him (remember The Economist? Farraday was explicit in his instructions that Frank should not deviate from these coordinates at all) and Desmond starts experiencing flashes.

Flash!

1996: Desmond is back in the Royal Scottish Regiment...but he remembers being in the helicopter. What the hell is going on? Disoriented, he isn't as quick on his feet as the rest of his regiment and earns all the lads double time punishment.

Real Time: Desmond finds himself in the chopper again, obviously confused and completely unsure of who Sayid and Frank are. Did the conscience of Desmond circa 1996 get mixed-up with Desmond circa 2004? Frank lands the helicopter on the freighter and two crew members -- new characters known only as Omar and Keamy -- take Des to the ship's sick bay.

Flash!

1996: Desmond is back in Scotland, trying to figure out what the hell is going on. He talks to his buddy about experiencing seriously vivid dreams and his buddy asks if there's anyone in his dreams he remembers. Penny! Des runs over to the closest phone booth to call his ex, is pushed by a grudging grunt, drops his change and....

Flash!

Real Time: Omar and Keamy lock Desmond in the sick bay, he starts pounding on the door and is startled to discover there's someone else in the room. Someone else who is also experiencing the same time travel phenomena as him. Someone called George Minkowski. Ah ha! So, this is why Minkowski could never come to the phone! He's been strapped and drugged up in the sick bay.



Meanwhile, Sayid finally makes contact with Jack. Speaking via speaker phone, Sayid tells the Island-dwellers that Desmond has been acting odd. Farraday immediately asks is Desmond has experienced an intense dose of either radiation or electromagnetic energy (remember the fail-safe key in the Hatch?) and goes on to state that when leaving the island, people get a little disoriented....but Desmond is not experiencing amnesia.

In the sick bay, a creepy doctor visits Des and Minkowski. He proceeds to dose Minkowski with what appears to be a sedative and Mink is down for the count. When Desmond rears up and shouts, "You're not sticking me with that, brotha!", the doctor tells him to relax and that he only wants to examine his eyes.



As the light flashes, so does Des.

1996: Des comes to in a phone booth, clutching coins. He calls Penny, who in 1996, was mildly disgruntled to hear from the man who dumped her. She tells him that she moved and not to call again. Desmond starts to argue and...

Flash!

Real Time: Sayid brings the phone down to Desmond to talk to Farraday. The physicist asks Des what year it is (1996, according to Des) and where he's supposed to be (Camp Miller, Scotland). Farraday then instructs Des to take the train down to Queen's College in Oxford and talk to Farraday circa 1996. In order to ensure that 1996-era Farraday will take him seriously, 2004-era Farraday tells him to mention degrees and hertz of a certain machine as well as to say that he knows about Eloise. As Keamy and Omar burst into the sick bay to stop the call....

Flash!

1996: Des is on campus, searching for Farraday. He finds him and recites the information. I loved this part so much because it reminded me of Marty McFly telling Doc Brown how the Flux Capacitor came into being. A Back To The Future wink on Lost? I'm in love.



It is here we learn that Eloise is a rat that Farraday has been conducting time-travel experiments on via radiation. It is also here we learn that while Farraday protects his body by wearing a lead vest, he doesn't seem to protect his head.

Flash!

Real Time: Back in the bay, Minkowski wakes up and shares this vital tidbit of information -- as the ship's communications officer, he was under strict orders never to answer a certain line whenever it rang. And who was this unlucky caller, unable to reach out and touch someone? None other than the love of Des' life, Penny Widmore.

Flash!

1996: Des comes to in Farraday's lab and discovers two things -- a) he's been gone for 75 minutes and b) Eloise is dead. According to Farraday, flashing between times was too much for the rat to take and her brain short circuited. Desmond fears this will happen to him, but Farraday has an answer to that. As long as Desmond has a constant -- something or someone he cares about dearly in both times -- his brain should be OK. Hopefully. Des grabs a phone and calls Penny's number. It's been disconnected and....

Flash!

Real Time: Des tells Sayid that he must get in touch with Penny. Sayid doesn't really get this but is willing to help his friend. Two monkeys in the machine, though. 1) Someone sabotaged the communications room about two days before this conversation took place. To anyone else, this would be a problem but Sayid knows a thing or two about communications. 2) How do you get out of the locked sick bay? Well, that resolves itself fairly easily as well as someone ("a friend on the boat", according to Minkowski) has conveniently left the door open.

Flash!

1996: Desmond's nowhere to be seen but we do catch sight of Penelope's father, Mr. Charles Widmore at an auction. The item up for grabs? The journal of the first mate of The Black Rock. The seller? A gentleman known as Torvald Hanso. Who added the flour 'cause the plot just thickened?!

Yes...I should be openly mocked for that.

Anyway, Widmore wins the item by bidding $380,000 and after Desmond confronts him in the men's room (this isn't American politics, ladies and gents. Neither men have a 'wide stance.'), Mr. Widmore gives Penny's address to Desmond.

Flash!

Real Time: Sayid wants to know who's responsible for the damage in the communications room but Minkowski doesn't seem to know. He has a fit, starts bleeding from the nose, croaks, "I can't get back" and dies in Desmond's arms. Guess homeboy didn't have a constant. Sayid then notices that Desmond's nose is also bleeding. This can't be good....

Flash!

1996: Address in hand, Des goes to see Penny. She's not exactly thrilled to see him, but he begs for her number, insisting that he won't bother her and promising that the next time she hears from it, it will be in eight years (December 24, 2004). He pleads for her not to change her number and....

Flash!

Real Time: Sayid to the rescue. The communication lines have been fixed, but the battery's low. Des punches in Penny's number. It rings. It rings again. And again. And again.



She answers! They talk! She knows about the Island! She's been trying to find him for three years! They love each other! The battery dies and Des thanks Sayid, apparently able to remember everything and insisting that he is now, 'perfect.'

Meanwhile, on the Island, Farraday is riffling through his journal and stops at one specific page:



"If anything goes wrong, Desmond Hume will be my constant."

It was the best episode I've ever seen. In all four seasons, this was probably the most rewarding for me. High intensity and big-time emotional payoff in the way only Lost can provide. I care more about Desmond and Penny reuniting than I do about anything else in the show and I'm really hoping they do so by the end of the series. I know that Cuse and Lindelof like to throw curveballs, but Penny and Desmond have to get back together. They just have to.

Questions/Theories:

+ Why doesn't Island Farraday recognize Desmond when they first meet?

+ Why does Mr. Widmore bid an ungodly amount of money on a journal? I mean, I realize he's a wealthy white male and they've got money to burn...but this seems to have a little more depth than just a whimsical, extravagant purchase.

+ Why wasn't Minkowski allowed to answer calls from Penny? Who ordered this?

+ Michael is the man on the boat. I think he's working for Ben, but also wants to help out his friends. That's why he opened the door to the sick bay.

+ "Farraday can't even help himself." -- Does this mean that Farraday is also afflicted in the same way as Des and Minkowski?

+ Farraday never covered his head while performing experiments. Does he have some form of cancer? Is that why he needs a caretaker?

Can't wait until next week. Apparently, we get a peek into Juliet's past or future.