A conversation between Mom and Myself

Mom: Oh, I talked to your cousin today.
Jaime: Yeah? How is he?
Mom: He's good, he's good. He lost his job.
Jaime: .....

Losing your job is good if:

+ You're a drug mule who shoves heroin-filled balloons up your ass.
+ You're an interspecies erotica artist.
+ You work on the set of an Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg movie.

My cousin works in finance.

Right....

Paul Newman: 1925-2008

Actor. Philanthropist. Maker of delicious popcorn. #19 on Nixon's Enemies List.

I loved Paul Newman.

I have a crush on Ron Livingston and am so completely in love with Dan that sometimes, I get tongue-tied and weak at the knees just thinking about it....but Paul Newman? He's pretty much the archetype for the perfect man and I'm convinced that no-one - past, present or future - will come close to ever being as aesthetically appealing as he was.

My thoughts go out to Mr. Newman's family and friends. He was a good man and I'm sad to say goodbye to him.

Life Without You (Live) -- Stevie Ray Vaughan

38-13 Dolphins Win!

Beautiful.
Just beautiful.

Lord, Beer Little Miss Sunshine Strength

For the most part, I am Little Miss Sunshine.



No, not Abigail Breslin. I'm not nearly that adorable or that good a dancer.

I am, however, chipper, cheerful and always quick with a smile. So much so that the construction workers at my office actually call me, 'The Girl With The Smile' (highly, highly creative bunch).

However, every now and then -- the sheer asininity of her fellow man makes Little Miss Sunshine want to eat her own eyeballs out of frustration.

So, for no other reason than to help me feel better, permit me to rant a little via a series of open letters:

Dear Sir:

Calling every day is slightly excessive. Calling four times before 12:00 p.m. on the same day? Behavior worthy of a restraining order. Besides, I do not have the ability to make jobs magically appear. If I did, I would create some gloriously overpaid position for myself as pop culture blogger.

Thanks!

Jaime

_______________

Dear Ma'am:

If you can't figure out how to apply for one of our jobs, you're probably not qualified for the job itself. Oh and for the record, going to the correct website makes applying for the position that much easier.

Thanks!

Jaime

____________

Dear Sir:

If you are 17-years-old, you've basically grown up with internet access. You should be able to navigate a website and shouldn't need someone to hold your hand throughout the whole process. You could probably find internet porn blindfolded with a hand behind your back. Let's try to apply some of those skills to the job-hunting process, shall we?

Thanks!

Jaime

______________

Dear Ma'am:

Applying for every job means you're probably as qualified for them as Sarah Palin is to be vice president of the country. I.E. -- Not at all.

Stop applying.

Thanks!

________________

Lord, Beer Me Strength. No. Strike that. Lord, silo-sized margarita me strength.

Holy Shit, I Love You Part II

Right now, I love:

Google: If Google was a pair of jeans, it would be that really comfy pair that you've had forever . You know, the ones that make your butt look great. If Google was a drink, it would be a cold beer on a sweltering day, a freshly brewed cup of coffee when you first get to work or a stiff cocktail on a Saturday night. If it was a person, it would be Ron Livingston:



Any excuse to post a picture. Man, he's attractive. You know, I'm almost glad that there's a zero percent chance of me ever meeting him because doing so would cause me to morph into the world's biggest idiot. I'd probably blush and make noises as opposed to cogent sentences.

Anyway, back to Google. I love the fact that it's easy to use, has super-cute personalized themes (Paul Frank, Betsey Johnson and Kate Spade!), allows me to stay connected at work despite the evil firewall and has a sweet feature that allows me to share all sorts of cool stuff. Check out the sidebar. Sharing is caring.

Ryan Adams: I've heard numerous accounts about what an asshole this guy is, but when you pen the most viscerally pretty and sad songs ever written? You can be an asshole of Limbaughian proportions and it's easily forgiven. Because I love you and want you be to happy, here is a whole mess of amazing Ryan Adams tracks for you to sample courtesy of The Hype Machine.

Illy Coffee: Everything else tastes like non-potable, muddy water in comparison. Or, better example? Remember that pipeline of shit that Andy Dufresne crawled through in The Shawshank Redemption? Yeah, that's what everything else tastes like in comparison to Illy coffee.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: Totally underrated with brilliant performances by both Robert Downey Jr. and Val Kilmer and the best dialogue I've heard in a long time. For example:

Perry: My $2000 ceramic Vektor my mother got me as a special gift. You threw in the lake next to the car. What happens when they drag the lake? You think they'll find my pistol. Jesus. Look up "idiot" in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?
Harry: A picture of me?
Perry: No! The definition of the word idiot, which you fucking are!

NetFlix Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. I mean, it got a standing O at Cannes! What else do you want?!

I Heart You: Funny, sassy and clever. If blogging was high school, I Heart You would be the really popular girl who also happened to be super down-to-earth and sweet.

And finally, on the opposite end of the spectrum -- Holy Shit, I'm Going Into Apoplexy

Fall's approaching and when you live in the mid-Atlantic states, this means a dip in temperature.

So obviously when you get home from work and wrench off the yoke of 'business casual', the first thing you want to put on is a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt you've had since 1998.

I'm set on the t-shirt (Javelin Yearbook represent!) but can't seem to find a pair of sweatpants that fit my garden-gnomesque proportions. Every pair I tried on today puddled around my ankles making me look (yet again) like a eight-year-old playing dress up.

Sweatpants Manufacturers (I'm looking at you, Victoria's Secret and American Eagle) -- please manufacture sweatpants in a Size 1 Short. Teeny girls deserve comfortable slackerwear too.

Put Food In Me....

Although delicious, strawberry yogurt and a chocolate-and-sprinkles covered pretzel make a pretty terrible lunch.

It's 3:20 and I'm dreaming about spinach alfredo penne with fresh Parmesan and lots of black pepper.

Feed me....

Jon Stewart hits back hard on Republican allegations of sexism

So, all these Republican feminists who came out of the woodwork, shrieking to the defense of Mrs. Palin -- where were you when Hillary was being vilified?

Is she considered less of a woman because her party affiliation and therefore, undeserving of your moral outrage?

If there's one thing Republicans really excel at, it's hypocrisy.

90210: We're Not In Kansas Anymore/The Jet Set

When I first heard that 90210 was coming back, I was equal parts excited and leery.

Excited because I dig shows about pretty people with problems. Add gobs of cash to the equation and it's ratings gold. As a wise philosopher once said, "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems."

I was leery because there is no way this new incarnation could have been nearly as awesome as the Spelling soap. Dylan's dad dying in a car explosion, Donna Martin graduates! Kelly's insanely tumultuous life, Tiffani Thiessen casting off the Kelly Kapowski shackles and slipping into her new role as bad girl, Valerie Malone -- how can new 90210 possibly compete?

But, the more I learned about it -- the more I started to change my mind. A huge plus was the fact that Rob Thomas (not him) is involved in the development of the show. Thomas also developed Veronica Mars and if 90210 is half as clever, I've got high hopes.

Add to that the return of Jennie Garth, Shannen Doherty (best frenemies ever) and Joe E. Tata and you've got what constitutes as required viewing.

Let's meet 90210's finest, shall we?

Harry (Rob Estes): West Beverly High's new principal and patriarch of the Wilson clan. He's ruggedly handsome, has the body of a twentysomething athlete and in the first episode, we find out that he's got an adopted son he never knew about until now! Awesome.

Debbie (Lori Loughlin): Aunt Becky is back and she's still smoking hot. Again, Loughlin finds herself playing the sweetheart from the heartland trying to reconcile the differences between Midwestern values and a glam Los Angeles lifestyle.

Annie (Shanae Grimes): The anti-Brenda, Annie's kind of dorky and doe-eyed. She's also irritatingly unaware of her waify sex appeal. Imagine an emaciated Miley Cyrus but with better teeth. Grimes and Loughlin actually resemble one another, so this was great casting.



Dixon (Tristan Wilds): The Wilsons' adopted son. He plays lacrosse, he feels like he doesn't fit in and I'm not too sure what to make of him just yet. His character prompted the following conversation between Dan and I:

Dan: Bet you the black kid will be written off the show. He's boring.
Jaime: They can't write him off the show! He's a main character!
Dan: They wrote Brenda off the show.
Jaime: Touche, sir. Touche.

Tabitha (Jessica Walters): Although she's playing a former actress and Betty Ford Center regular, Walters basically reprises her role as Lucille Bluth from Arrested Development and she is fabulous. Jessica Walters puts the 'sex' in sexagenarian.

Kelly (Jennie Garth): She's back but this time she's not being stalked by psychotic women, getting sexually assaulted, fighting over Dylan or addicted to psychotropic substances....yet. Ms. Taylor is working as the school guidance counselor and has a four-year-old son named Sam. Allegedly, Sam's daddy is none other than bad-boy Dylan McKay, but Dylan's MIA and the kid looks an awful lot like Steve Sanders, so no clue what's up there. And speaking of family...

Silver (Jessica Stroup): Kelly and David's half-sister Erin has grown up and ditched the blonde hair and the first name. A music junkie (something she obviously picked up from big brother DJ David), she becomes BFF with Annie after noticing an obscure band sticker on Annie's notebook. Silver is infamous for her blog, The Vicious Circle. Mainstream media pundits take note -- not all bloggers are Cheetoh-dusted basement dwellers.

Naomi (AnnaLynne McCord): Poor little rich girl who manages to look both pharmaceutically dazed and wantonly feral at the same time. She spends the first five minutes of screen-time stressing about her sweet sixteen -- a Misshapen hipster wet dream with Tilly and the Wall serving as house band and Cory Kennedy and Mark the Cobrasnake in attendance. Sidebar: Someone please explain Ms. Kennedy's fame to me? Thanks.

Ethan (Dustin Milligan): A lacrosse player Annie locked lips with a few summers ago. Our boy Ethan is not only dating Naomi but also cheating on her with some random chickenhead who digs giving head in parked cars. This prompts sweet innocent Annie to ponder, "I just don't get why Ethan would cheat on someone like Naomi....?"

To co-opt and ameliorate the words of Stu Macher, there's always some stupid bullshit reason to cheat on your girlfriend.

Long story short -- Ethan and Naomi break up rather publicly and Ethan begins flirting with Annie. And like an idiot, she flirts back. Having a 3% memory retention rate, I guess Annie forgot all about the vehicular fellatio she witnessed.

Navid (David Steger): The Persian politico and second token minority of the show. Navid runs the West Beverly Blaze and reminds me so much of Cher's classic quote from Clueless -- "They do the T.V. station. They think that's the most important thing on Earth. And that's the Persian mafia. You can't hang with them unless you own a BMW." Fun fact? His dad's a big time porn producer.

Adrienne (Jessica Lowndes): Pill-popping, bread-winning actress who looks like Nelly Furtado...if Nelly Furtado modeled for American Apparel.

George (Kellan Lutz): Blonde guy who looks like he'd excel at lacrosse, water polo and date rape. If this was The O.C., his main broseph would definitely be Luke.

Ty (Adam Gregory): Hot, wildly wealthy and seemingly sensitive. For a first date hang, he jets Annie off to San Francisco for a bite to eat. Annie's take on the experience -- "This is like Pretty Woman only I'm not a whore!"

Mr. Matthews (Ryan Eggold): Hip English lit teacher who resembles Ryan Gosling's dorky kid brother. He's got a crush on Kelly (who doesn't?) and I've got a crush on him.

The plot of the pilot was essentially the same as the original but sexier. The first twenty minutes and we're already witness to a blowjob in a car. Way to keep it classy, guys.

The Wilsons move from Wichita, KS to a lush mansion (no, it's not Casa Walsh) in America's most famous zip code. Annie and Dixon quickly learn that Beverly Hills in nothing like Kansas.

Mr. Matthews assigns Naomi to be Annie's "Beverly Buddy." Despite the fact that the plan reeks of fail, it actually works out to Naomi's advantage. You see, planning a Super Sweet Sixteen is hard work and can heavily interfer with your academic life. Naif to the rescue! Annie hooks Naomi up with an old paper about A Tale of Two Cities and Naomi plagiarizes the whole thing. Obviously. To make up for it, Naomi buys Annie an $800 dress. If my friends ever did anything like this, they'd probably just apologize and leave it at that. Cheap bastards.

Meanwhile, Dixon is harassed by his lacrosse teammates. When Mr. Matthews demands the truth about the altercation, Ethan (the only witness) steps up to the plate and promptly lies about the incident, defending his teammate and getting Dixon 86'd from the team. Yes, Ethan is a massive douchebag.

Annie becomes the "star" of Silver's blog in a crudely-animated video -- payback for dissing Silver for Naomi earlier (these two go back and their history ain't pretty). But, Silver makes it up to Annie by getting the budding thespian a role in the chorus of Spring Awakening.

Ethan decides he's got some manning up to do as well, so he reveals the truth about the fight. Unfortunately, Dixon has already sent Naomi a text message stating the obvious -- homeboy is cheating on you and you might wanna get that itch inspected. Because this is television, Naomi gets the message right before her big moment at her Sweet Sixteen. It's around this time that Harry learns about the son he never had from Naomi's mom.

Since it's a two-hour premiere, Hour Two kicks off with garbage. Lots of it. Piled up in the halls of West Beverly courtesy of hometown rivals, Palisades High. To get revenge (and win the admiration of his teammates), Dixon borrows three little pigs from Navid's father porn set (Dude, what kind of movie is this?) and releases them on Palisades' football field. He gets off easy though when Harry learns that inspiration came from a prank he had pulled years earlier.

While Dixon's playing This Little Piggy, Annie is being wooed by Ty, the lead in the school play and a teenager so unfathomably wealthy that he can afford to take a girl to San Francisco for dinner. Unfortunately for Annie who was supposed to be on Gangy-Watch, Gangy gets into a minor car accident and Annie gets grounded. Worst of all -- her parents cut off her coffee money allowance! Jesus, is this Beverly Hills or Abu Ghraib?! It's OK, though because the show ends with Ty smooching Annie while a surprised Ethan watches on, cuddling a stuffed octopus and pouting ever so slightly.

The pilot was pretty good but what I'm really looking forward to is November. I.E. -- Sweeps month. You know there'll be some serious drama going down and I can't wait to see how it does.

Finally, a quick edition of Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down to wrap it all up.

Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down:

Thumbs Up: Liz Phair does the music for the show! I love her and I also love the fact that the opening scene featured Viva La Vida by Coldplay. A bit overplayed but a good choice nevertheless.
Thumbs Down: The new theme song isn't nearly as awesome or iconic as the old one. What can I tell you? This girl loves her sax solos.

Thumbs Up: Nat's back!
Thumbs Down: Why is the Peach Pit a coffee place? Nat should be slingin' Megaburgers, not macchiatos. Oh and what happened to the Peach Pit After Dark? Why has it been renamed The Pit? DJ David and bartender Noah would not approve.

Thumbs Up: Hannah Zuckerman Vasquez is back and repping her Mom's legacy at the Blaze.
Thumbs Down: Donde esta Andrea y Jesse?

Thumbs Up: Jackie Taylor returns next week as Kelly and Erin's pill-popping hot mess of a mom. Sorry, Dina Lohan. Jackie's an O.G. and you've got nothing on her. Also scheduled to return? Brandon Walsh himself! I can't wait to see the prodigal son return.
Thumbs Down: Luke Perry has no interest in returning to the show. Dude, what else are you doing that's so important?