If you missed the show (like me), you can check it out at
MTV.com.
The Hills is back and I've been suckered into it again. To make things even better, the premiere was an hour long, as opposed to the usual half-hour format. Awesome for me, seemingly endless torturous agony for Dan who was in the room while I was watching.
The episode rundown: Lauren and Whitney traipsed around Paris, played
Teen Vogue go-fers, attended a debutante ball and hung out with dirty French rockstars, the brilliantly named Rock and Roll. Don't step in the irony. It's dripping all over the place.
Meanwhile stateside, Heidi spent some quality time at her parents' place in Colorado where Pratt-Daddy paid her 'surprise' visit and surprisingly, Heidi was remarkably catty to him the whole time. Good for Heidi...but she's still a complete idiot (more on that later). As for the final member of our fierce foursome, Audrina was nowhere to be seen.
Now, onto the show!
Usually I love Whitney's sartorial choices and think she's all sorts of sassy and fabulous, but that striped sock and shoe combo she was rocking? A little too Wicked Witch of the East for me. I spent the first five minutes of the episode worried that a house would come crashing down on her.
I really liked the 'You're Hearing' feature during the episode. Although, MTV lost serious points for the lack of consistency. I heard a clip of some Kanye track during the episode and it went unattributed. Come on, MTV. Step up your game a little.
Like a bad rash, She-Pratt returns! Stephanie is back and this time, she's armed. Unfortunately, the only weapons in her arsenal are bad eye-makeup, a thoroughly ridiculous facial expression and words of
wisdom sheer incoherent idiocy for her brother.
One such example of She-Pratt's pithy philsophy? "You could think of everything you've done and do the opposite." With pearls like that, I'm surprised the Ivy League isn't on their hands and knees begging her to enroll in one of their institutions.
I would like to know what kind of moisturizer Whitney uses and sink my life-savings into this product. This is what Ms. Port looks like upon awakening:
It's not the best picture, but you get the point.
This leads me to two conclusions:
A) Our God is a vengeful and merciless God.
B) Whitney probably spent 45 minutes with a make-up artist and stylist before this scene was shot.
Stepping aside from
The Hills for a second, can we please take a moment and talk about that God-awful Alicia Keys mini-soap that aired during the commercial break? What the hell was that?! Were the producers of that crap trying to out-insipid
The Hills because if so, they succeeded in a huge way.
As ridiculous as She-Pratt's quote was, the
Quote of the Week award goes to Whitney for sheer inanity. No, not the brilliant, "You love feathers....", but rather her keen observation -- "I'm sure Paris is full of guys cooler than Brody."
Yeah. And so is Three Mile Island. And the Arctic Circle. Ditto Chernobyl, Russia. It's not hard to be cooler than a man whose only claim to fame is nailing other pseudo-celebs, living off a trust fund and playing
dress-up with your BFFE, Frankie.
And since we're kicking it old-school, it's time once again for
You Look Like A Pratt! This week's epic aesthetic failure had nothing to do with the episode but was so God-awful that I just had to use it:
The 'I Am Not A Tool; I Am Not A Toolbox Or Even A Tool Shed. I Am The Entire Tool Section Of Every Sears Department Store In The Continental U.S.'
Now, usually I'm not an advocate of hunting for sport, but in this case? I think an exception can be made.
Speaking of scummy guys, let's meet Rock and Roll. They're unwashed, they're French and they're (hopefully) totally irrelevant.
Strike One: Paul the drummer's
Flock of Seagulls hairdo. I realize he's a drummer and that everything everything old is new again, but not this. Never this. Ever. Homeboy needs to ditch the Aquanet post-haste.
Strike Two: Mattias. He looks like one of those creepy 42-year-olds that hang out in bars and scam on college girls, despite having every last one of their advances shot down.
Saving grace: The band has a designated tambourine player!
Lauren
Pretty-In-Pinking her ball gown seemed like a disastrous idea from the get-go and then, when she burned it with her iron, my only thoughts were, "Cinderella, you're screwed."
But, this is not reality (despite what Whitney said during the episode). This is an amazing fantasy land where you can wreck a couture dress and then, poof! A new, even cuter one miraculously appears!
The Hills are more magical than Hogwarts!
Despite my sniping, this season looks great -- Audrina and Heidi hanging out! She-Pratt realizing that hanging out with Lauren will increase her celebrity status way more than hanging out with her industrial-sized feminine hygiene product of a brother who stages photoshoots with his talentless girlfriend! A new puppy! Lo!
The Hills is back and that makes me feel how Lauren looks (damn it, she is adorable):
