The art of Christmas sneakery as done by an expert

Christmas 2007. Dan and I exchange presents.

He goes first. He knows what he's getting. He's known for months. If I didn't tell him, he would have picked up The Simpsons Movie the second it came out and laid waste to my gift idea.

Now, it's my turn.

I gingerly tear off wrapping paper and there, staring me in the face in big white letters are the words, "Build a better resume!"

Huh.How....practical. I mean, it makes sense, right? I'm going to start job-hunting soon and I want my (incredibly meagre) resume to look good.

I look up at my very cute fiance who is smiling at me expectantly.

"Thanks...honey. That's so sweet of you to think about...."

I trail off, not really knowing how to finish that sentence or whether or not I can maintain a false air of happiness.

"Look," Dan explains, obviously oblivious to the fact that his fiance doesn't care for practicality when it comes to gifts. "See, it comes with this great pamphet!"

A pamphlet? I'm supposed to get excited about an effing pamplet?!

He thrusts a flimsy stack of papers at me and smiles. Damn it, he's cute. I half-heartedly rifle through the paper, wondering how you can know someone from the age of fifteen and not really know them at all.

Then, something odd catches my eye. Bold text reading, "Wachovia Center."

I flip to that page and my heart pretty much stops.

Thursday, February 21.
8:00 p.m.
Wachovia Center.

THE FOO FIGHTERS.

I stare at Dan, my mouth agape and he's doing that incredibly cute and incredibly annoying thing with his mouth -- the smile that says, "Ha ha! I gotcha, you sucker!"

"Dude...." I quietly intone while his mom, sister and brother-in-law look at me. The wave breaks and I let out an almighty shriek:

"DUDE! WE'RE SEEING THE FOO FIGHTERS!!"

The family cracks up and engulf Dan in a huge hug. Best. Present. Ever.

Thank God he uses his powers of deception for good and not evil.




In other Christmas-related news, my parents and sister might just be the coolest people ever. Why? Because this is what they got me:

My sister got me Eat, Pray Love by Elizabeth Mitchell. That's not the best part. This is -- she enclosed a note that made reference to her being a "d-bag" and then, signed it 'Sarikaisawesome.'

Indeed.

My parents gift was very, very cool. Most parents use Christmas as a time to eke out sweet little Hallmark moments between them and their kids. My parents wrote me a very nice note telling me how much they missed me and how they hope my first Christmas in PA is a good one...and attached said note to Ego-Trip's Big Book of Racism -- a tome which features the 'Are You A Racist' quiz. Sample question:

It's the annual Puerto Rican Day Parade. Boricuas from all across this great nation with descend upon the Manzana Grande to commemorate:

A) ass
B) Ass
C) ASS
D) AZZ (Boo-yow!)

Yeah. My parents are from the five six ace in the Gunshine State...and it shows.

I hope everyone had a very happy holiday. Tell me all about it!

Love is...

Singing Good by Better Than Ezra together, making up better lyrics and meaning every word of, "It's good living with you...wa-how!"

First, it was those little purse dogs and now, it's babies...

Did becoming pregnant just get easier or something? Was everyone's birth control replaced with Tic-Tacs? Is someone tainting the L.A. area supply of overpriced coffee drinks with fertility drugs? What the hell is going on?

Last night, my sister called me to break the news that Jamie Lynn Spears (Britney's 16-year-old sibling) was pregnant. I didn't believe it at first and said I had seen the same rumor reported by OK Magazine, but then, my sister responded with a sentence that got all my journalistic nerves tingling -- "It's on all the wires."


Jamie Lynn and her baby daddy, Casey Aldridge.

I was shocked until I realized that the Spears women excel at embodying that masochistic credo -- "Women. The only thing they're good for is making trouble, sandwiches and babies."

I guess we can expect a Very Special Episode of Zoey 101 sometime in the near future.

And then, this morning -- I hear how Lily Allen's expecting her first child.

Yazaccinos, people! We've talked about this!

Don't Stop Believin'

Baltimore: 16
Miami: 22

Get this widget | Track details | eSnips Social DNA

Rolling Stone Magazine: Best 100 songs of 2007

As 2007 comes to a close, everyone gets a little list-happy and starts bulletpointing the year -- best movies of the year, best celebrity meltdowns, best sandwich featuring chipotle as a condiment (my vote goes to Wawa. Their hoagies rock my world), whatever.

As expected, Rolling Stone Magazine came out with a list of the Best 100 Songs of 2007. As expected, the list consisted of an assortment of tracks that never made it to my ear drums (#28 -- Crazy Ex-Girlfriend by Miranda Lambert, #65 -- White People For Peace by Against Me!), amazing songs I loved but never heard on the radio (#45 -- Halloweenhead by Ryan Adams) and ear-worms that no-one could escape from (#3 -- Umbrella by Rihanna and #24 -- What Goes Around Comes Around by the ineffable Mr. Timberlake).

Also as expected, Rolling Stone made some glaring errors in judgment. How could one possibly rate Same Girl by R. Kelly and Usher (#26 on the list)



higher than The Pretender by the Foo Fighters (#47 on the list)?!



The former is a thoroughly insipid duet featuring lyrics like: Wait a minute hold on dog. Do she got a crib? By the Waffle House? Do she got a beauty mark on the left side of her mouth? Went to Georgia Tech? Works for TBS? Man I can't believe this shit. Damn!/Tell me what's wrong dog what the hell you damnin' 'bout? I'm your homie so just say what's on your mind.

While The Pretender just flat-out kicks ass. Taylor Hawkins plays like he's riding a herd of stampeding elephants through your central nervous system and Dave Grohl's scathing, politically incisive lyrics just slay me:

Send in your skeletons/Sing as their bones go marching in... again/The need you buried deep/The secrets that you keep are ever ready/Are you ready?/I'm finished making sense/Done pleading ignorance/That whole defense

Paging the Bush Administration. A Dave Grohl's on line one and he's got a message for you.

Come on, Rolling Stone. You're smarter than this. I refuse to believe the home of Cameron Crowe, Lester Bangs, David Fricke, Griel Marcus, Rob Sheffield, Anthony DeCurtis, Jancee Dunn and Hunter S. Thompson would make such an egregious error. So, fix up this little snafu and we won't mention it ever again.

Oh and if you've got a moment, check out Bill Maher's picks for Dickheads of the Year. Wasn't a huge fan of his Halloween costume, but I definitely agree with this list.

My So-Called Life: Dancing In The Dark

Since The Hills is on hiatus, I need more teen-oriented television to fill the void and blog about. Thankfully, ABC.com posted another free, streaming episode of My So-Called Life. I know the entire series is on DVD now, but is ABC planning to stream the whole thing online? 'Cause that would rock my world.

Two issues, though:

A) I wasn't subject to those effingly awful ATT ads this time. But, I did have to sit through pseudo sensual slop about hair removal cream. Smooth skin may be sexy, but the process of removing it sure ain't.
B) Pausing or skipping past certain scenes caused Firefox to crash numerous times. Not so cute.

Anyway, onto the second episode.

The Chases reignite the romance in the relationship by taking ballroom dancing lessons, Angela spends quality time at Brian Krakow's house working on a science project and Rayanne and Rickie plot to get Jordan and Angela together.

The episode starts off with Angela recounting all the kisses in her life to date (three) -- a camp counselor (who happened to have a girlfriend at the time), an usher at her cousin's wedding (who only kissed her 'cause he lost a bet -- ouch) and a guy she met on the beach last summer...who actually turns out to be a lifeguard resuscitating her. It seems pretty sad, but considering who I was dating when I was 15, I'd say Angela is light-years ahead of me (although I did have a teeny little crush on Dan when I was 15...but that doesn't really count 'cause he was the Internet Boy back then and years away from being my ridiculously cute fiance).

According to Rayanne, people throwing themselves at people is like, the entire basis of civilization. I can't say I disagree. Helen of Troy, anyone?

I honestly don't know how high school teachers do it. If I had to put up with consistent blank stares every time I asked a question, I'd punch someone. None of my classes (barring math) were ever like this, but I guess that's because I was surrounded by the academic dick-measurers known as honors and AP kids.

To those of you in relationships -- do you kiss for kissing's sake or do those kisses all have to lead somewhere? I'm all about the old-school and a firm believer that kissing for kissing's sake is vital to a good relationship.

This episode is Jordan Catalano at his most eloquent thus far and I've gotta admit, the guy looks pretty good. See?



I can see why Angela started hanging out with new people. Sharon Cherski is a raging bitch.

Of all the characters on the show, I probably relate to Brian Krakow the most. Big hair? Check (the dark days before I discovered the glory that is the flat-iron). Nerdy interests? Check. Unrequited crush? Check.

I love how the characters (and the audience) are unable to reference Jordan Catalano without using his full name. I knew people like that in high school and to this day, can't talk about them without saying both their first and last names.

Rayanne's nugget of wisdom for the episode? "I think part of him is partly interested in you. Definitely." Right....And you know what? Dating hasn't gotten any less confusing since high school.

Dude, what's up with Rickie's cousin Tino? We're never gonna meet this guy, are we?

Dear Early 90s Fashions: Please come back. The flannel and those button-up dresses worn with Doc Martens? I could totally rock those. 'Cause seriously, if I see one more sassy sloganed tee, designer handbag or anything remotely resembling Bobo Chic, I will punch the nearest person in the larynx. Think about it, OK? Lots of love: Jaime xx



Can we talk about Rayanne for a second? Homegirl is always eating so either she's got the perpetual munchies or she's a girl after my own heart and just likes to chow down. Speaking of, homemade artichoke spinach dip + crusty French bread = proof of a benevolent God.

Serious bonus points to Angela for fending off Jordan's lusty advances and for not backing down when he was being a dick. Why aren't there more girls like this on TV now? Modern teenagers would probably have put up with this shit because, "like, he's so cute and totally popular and it's just sex. Like, everyone does it..." I may be exaggerating a touch, but can you tell I don't have faith in nor respect for the youth of America?

Best line of the episode? Brian telling Jordan, "According to this, she was born yesterday..." See what happens when you commission a dude like Jordan Catalano to make a fake I.D.?

The fact that this show was canceled only adds further credence to my theory that television execs are, without a doubt, among the most intellectually and emotionally bankrupt people to walk the earth.

My So-Called Life: The Pilot

I cut my teeth on early-to-mid 90s pop culture and love it to this day. Example? One of my favorite shows of all time is Party of Five and last night, I spent two hours listening to Toad The Wet Sprocket, Better Than Ezra, The Gin Blossoms and Counting Crows.

I didn't live in the States when this show first started airing on ABC, so I completely missed the phenomenon (barring the odd episode caught on MTV occasionally). So, I decided to catch up via the free full episodes being streamed on ABC.com.

The only catch? You have to put up with those really insipid ATT ads. The ones that portmanteau place names. Philondelhi? Hollyorkizonasouthamaryland? However, if you're smart like me -- you'll use that time to either take a bathroom break or grab a snack (pretzel sticks + peanut butter = delicious!)

Now, onto the show:

For those of you not in the loop, My So-Called Life is a show about Angela Chase (Claire Danes), a relatively nondescript 15-year-old living in the fictional Pittsburgh suburb of Three Rivers. She isn't really popular or wealthy, she doesn't have super powers and her vocabulary and sense of self-awareness are far from Dawson-esque. Like most of us in high school -- she's just there, trying to figure it out.

Much like Lindsay Weir of Freaks and Geeks fame (another great show that was prematurely canceled), Angela starts hanging out with a new crowd - "bad girl" Rayanne Graff (A.J. Langer) and openly gay Rickie Vasquez (played by the fantastic Wilson Cruz) and develops a crush on reticent dreamboat, Jordan Catalano. The show centers on these characters, their relationships and the suburban American high school experience.

We all up to speed now? Good. Let's get to the minutiae of the pilot, shall we?

Love the theme music (composed by the amazing W.G. Snuffy Walden), but then again, I've always been a sucker for the xylophone. Oh and can we talk about the love affair I'm having with the way the show is shot? Dark, serious and yet cozy as opposed to the bright, slick and glossy teen dramas of today. Party of Five utilized this technique too and it looked great. Realistic and honest. Love it.

Claire Danes, can we please talk about that mousy, mousy hair you had for about three minutes in the pilot? Thank God you went with the Crimson Glow.



Way more iconic. Rayanne was spot-on. That mousy color was holding you back.

Hey, I take great offense to yearbook kids being portrayed as nerds. I was underclass editor and co-editor in chief of the Javelin and I'm totally cool. Right? Right, guys? Guys?

Whoa matricide? ("I can't even look at my mother without wanting to stab her repeatedly"). That's pretty heavy and I'm fairly certain that dialogue like that wouldn't be featured on any show not produced by Dick Wolf.

Ahhh, the infamous Jordan Catalano. He was left back twice and is barely coherent, but man is he dreamy (especially when he's not posturing as a rock star).



The closest I got to a Catalano-esque crush was a guy in high school who made the following observation regarding Sour Skittles -- "You know, if you suck the sour off...it's just a Skittle." Needless to say, that spark fizzled out real quick.

I remember when rock music was the soundtrack of adolescence. And by stating that out loud, I officially became the oldest person alive.

Jordan Catalano watching The Divinyls video for I Touch Myself is hilarious. And so telling. Ew. I just thought about that. Oh God. Ew.

Could the Chases possibly ignore their youngest child any more? I mean, she resorts to standing on her head and nothing! If they think they've got problems with Angela, wait until Danielle grows up. She's gonna be a spitfire.

"You're so beautiful, it hurts to look at you"? Worst. Line. Ever. Seriously.

I realize this is the lamest statement in the world, but I was really happy for Angela when Jordan shouted out, "Hey! I know that girl....Angela?" When your unrequited crush knows your name, it's kinda a big deal.

Cameron Crowe totally ripped off this scene for Jerry Maguire and you know what?



I don't blame him. It's beautifully shot.

So, that was the pilot. Slightly overwrought and undeniably 90s, but still pretty great. Oh...and Jordan totally has a great lean. Yeah.

Public Service Announcement

Holy shit! New Lost teaser!

Why is Hurley facedown in the water? Was he going to rescue Charlie? What was that fanged creature whose skull pops up? New Dharma station? The Scorpion, perhaps? Exploding lemons? Who's arm is that and what the hell kind of pustules are on it? A bull? Charlie?!

Yeah. February can't come quickly enough.

Baby, baby say I do...

Went to the Eagles-Giants game at the Link on Sunday and The Grinch proposed marriage to me.

Nothing says romance like Seuss, Sharpie Markers and RC Racers.

Oh and completely unrelated but I just found out that the closest Tijuana Flats is in Bensalem, PA -- about an hour away from where I am.

Now, I have to figure out how to convince Dan to travel 47.1 miles so I can procure some seriously yummy Tex-Mex. Suggestions would be much appreciated!

The Hills: When One Door Closes.

If you missed the season finale like I did last night (Dan and I watched From Hell -- great movie and further proof that anything Alan Moore does = awesome), you can check it out online here.

In the season finale, Lauren gets a second chance for international travel, Spencer and Heidi take some time apart and the episode (much like the entire season itself) proves to be spectacularly anti-climactic. I actually forgot all about the show until this morning when I realized that it was actually Tuesday and not Monday. Anyway, onto the details:

This season was definitely more whimper than bang. To sum it all up -- Audrina dated an unwashed urchin named Justin (who preferred to be called Bobby), Spencer and Heidi's sham of a relationship nauseated anyone who tuned in, Lauren wore fabulous clothes and played emotional tug-of-war with Brody Jenner and everyone drank without getting hungover. In other words -- the show is a perfect microcosm of MTV: shiny, pretty, vapid, famous for no particularly meritorious reason and shamefully addictive.

Wasn't the Paris thing faked last season? I refuse to believe that anyone would give up Paris for Jason Wahler. Hell, I wouldn't give up going to West Palm for J.Wahl and I grew up there.

Who's On Third is such a great name for a restaurant. But then again, I've always been a sucker for old school comedy -- Abbott and Costello, the Three Stooges, Laurel and Hardy. All good stuff.

The last You Look Like A Pratt of season three featured a new look for Pratt-Daddy:



Emo Spencer. The hoodie as black as his soul. The dark, brooding expression. All he needs is a little guy liner and he could be the lead singer for some third-rate punk band. Paging Fallout Boy!

God, I hope Stephanie doesn't become a major player next season. Actually, I hope I'm not still watching this show next season...but we all know I'll be both watching and blogging. Oh no. It's OK. I deserve your pity.

Gasp! Heidi has Kim lie for her?! Lying on The Hills?! My fragile world of pixie dust and glitter is crumbling around my feet.

Lauren's going to Paris! Gasp! Shock! My pixie-and-glitter dusted world is bounding back at a rate quicker than the development of Dubai.

Who can afford to run away to Paris? Lisa Love, apparently. I mean, finances aside -- there are passports and visas and all sorts of documentation to consider. You run away to your best friend or boyfriend's house. Not to a major European metropolis. I'd like to know what kind of upbringing Ms. Love had where she could just flit off to Europe without a moment's notice.

On that note, I'd give my kidney to spend some quality time in Paris. All I want to do is walk around city streets, sip cafe au lait, eat incredible baked goods and smooch my ridiculously cute fiance at random intervals.

This was the season finale?! This? Lauren goes to Paris with Whitney and Spencer and Heidi called off their wedding without a single curse word or object being flung across the room in anger?



I feel as confused as Lauren looks.

An Open Letter To Lindsay Lohan:

Lilo:

I know we've never been particularly close. I've hated all of your movies except Mean Girls (and even then, I dug Lacey Chabert and Rachel McAdams over you), your party girl ethos seems pointless and shallow and I get the feeling that if we had gone to high school together, you would have been a huge bitch to me...until you wanted help on your English term paper.

But all that aside, I've gotta tell you -- girl, you are looking fierce here.



I love that dress and am thisclose to cheating on my fiance with those gorgeous boots you're rocking.

Give me the outfit or give me the name of a place where I can get the ludicrously cheap knock-off and I promise to be nicer next time you drunkenly stumble out of some club looking like something Amy Winehouse threw up.

Hugs and kisses!

Jaime xx

P.S. -- Can you introduce me to Ron Livingston?

It's snowing!

It's snowing!

From this:







To this:








It's the first snow of the year and it's beautiful.

Bet you didn't know...

Lynn tagged me like, two weeks ago and I never responded so here we go -- seven odd facts about me.

- I feel much happier and more in control of my life when my hair is straight. It's kind of worrying how my psychological well-being is tied to my hair.

- The sound of metal scraping against metal literally brings me to my knees in agony. For some peculiar reason, it hurts my teeth.

- I hate-hate-hate having my in-betweens touched. You know that fleshy part between your fingers and toes? Ugh! That creeps me out like nothing else.

- For a good two hours today, I considered going by the name 'James.' Then, I realized that a couple of people call me this anyway and it would be ridiculous for me to change my name at the age of 24.

- The smell of bacon makes me reconsider vegetarianism. I haven't slipped up yet, but if I ever do, it'll be for a BLT.

- Stars by Hum makes me forget how to breathe.

- My favorite muppet is Gonzo. I could relate to the fact that he's a weirdo...because (as you can tell by this list), I'm a bit of a weirdo too.



(P.S. Never, ever Yahoo! Image Search for 'Gonzo' without clarifying that you're searching for the muppet. You'd be shocked at the amount of porn that shows up)

The Hills: Once A Player

Missed the episode? Head on over to MTV Overdrive to check it out.

This week: The ladies got into the Halloween spirit, She-Pratt meddled in her brother's relationship with Heidi causing even more tension and strife and Lauren and Brody played another exhausting round of emotional tug of war. Lauren is not going to be with Brody unless he reforms his philandering ways, so he either needs to do so and be with her or tell her straight up that it's not going to happen and stop stringing her along.

Oh and can we talk about his game or lack thereof? Brody is seriously going to dislocate his neck due to his wandering eyes. I thought checking out girls in front of other girls was a subtle art that took years to refine? And the beautiful eyes line? Come on, dude -- what are you? A rank amateur?

Quote of the Week: Our defending champion and possible clairvoyant, Miss Lauren Conrad for quipping, "Please, he'll couple with Frankie before me."



And like magic, Messieurs Jenner and Delgado show up dressed as the Dynamic Duo. Whitney was spot-on with her observation that this twosome were more like Siegfried and Roy because television's Batman and Robin were the biggest closet cases ever. Even more so than Ace and Gary.

I loved Lauren's flapper costume. The make-up was expertly applied and she can actually pull off dark hair very well. I'm ethnic and I don't think I could go that dark without looking ridiculous. Speaking of -- I want to dye my hair again. I'm thinking of staying with the rich chocolatey brown for now and then, when the weather gets warmer, going back to the caramel brown I love so much.

Return of the Lo! I honestly don't know why she doesn't have her own show yet. Every single girl needs a BFF she can go on a date with. Scratch that. Every girl, single or not, needs a BFF who'll tell them, "Well, I can be your boyfriend tonight."

Do I suck because I'm in love with Audrina's blue beret?



I found a knock-off at Forever XXI that will probably be making a cameo in my closet very, very soon.

J.Bob never liked to kiss? Huge red flag there. How can someone dislike kissing? I mean, I can understand it if your partner's awful (an ex of mine used to slobber like a rabid dachshund and it was truly foul) but apart from that? Next to live music, kissing is my favorite thing in the world.

You Look Like A Pratt: Usually, this is reserved for the aesthetic douchery of Spencer Pratt, but in this case, Brody Jenner gets the honors.



Flannel and backwards baseball cap? 1993 was fifteen years ago, dude and it didn't look good back then. To quote the great philosopher Cher Horowitz, "So okay, I don't want to be a traitor to my generation and all but I don't get how guys dress today. I mean, come on. It looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair - ew - and cover it up with a backwards cap and like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so."

The Fight: Pre-wedding jitters lead to a blow-out between Heidi and Spencer in which Spencer acted like a seven-year-old and mimicked Heidi in a high-pitched and thoroughly annoying voice. If you're still using this tactic to win debates, you seriously need to reconsider getting married. It didn't work when you were seven and it's not going to work now. Getting married at the age of 21 is a bad idea. Getting married at the age of 21 to a complete assbag like Pratt-Daddy? It's suicide.

And on a final, somewhat lighter note -- you've gotta feel bad for Britney in Canada. 'Britney Canada Whore' is hardly an affectionate term of endearment.

Next week: The season finale in which Spencer and Heidi's relationship is on the rocks and Whitney gets the chance to hit Paris once again.