The Dating Pool Needs a Little Chlorine

I've seen this posted all over the internet -- the infamous list of "50 Things Girls Wish Guys Knew."

It makes me want to punch people. In the larynx.

Some of the things I agree with (17. Three words -- honesty. Honesty. Honesty.) but they're pretty obvious and I very much doubt that any man's in the dark about them.

Dating is one of those things that's supposed to be relatively easy but we tend to overcomplicate. You meet someone, you get to know each other and you click or you don't. Don't square-peg-round-hole it. If it works, it works. If not, better luck in the next round.

The "Game" has always annoyed me. In addition to the rules (the wait-two-days before calling rule, for example. It's so stupid! It's not like eating and swimming. You dig someone? Give 'em a call!), there's a litany of unspoken codes and edicts and maxims and guidelines and secret handshakes which all invariably lead to dating becoming a completely unnecessary and torturous social obstacle course.

But what I hate even more is nonsense like this list which perpetuate this crap even further. There are 21 groups on Facebook dedicated to this meme which means that's there's probably a legion of women out there who read this and actually adhere to the idiotic principles therein.

Why? It makes no sense! Why acquiesce to all these arbitrations? Mikey didn't and he ended up being the big winner here tonight.

So, here's a much more realistic look (albeit abbreviated) look at the "50 Things Girls Wish Guys Knew."


1. Don't tell us when you think other girls are hot. I have no problem when my boyfriend proclaims his ardor for Evangeline Lily (which, by the way, I've heard ad nauseum since the last episode of Lost). She's hot. I know it. He knows it. Saying Evangelline Lily is hot is akin to saying fire is hot or water is wet. It's a simple fact and nothing more. I'm almost 99.98% certain that by merely stating a girl is hot, aforementioned girl will not magically show up and proceed to fellate the guy who made the statement. However, if by some twist of fate, Evangelline Lily showed up on Dan's doorstep? He gets a pass (because let's face it, that's pretty damn cool). As for Miss Lily? I'd make a necklace out of her teeth.

3. If you don't act like soap-opera guys, don't expect us to dress like Victoria's Secret models. If there's one thing I do not want in my life, it's for my boyfriend to act like a 'soap opera guy.' This would mean that he would cheat on me (quite possibly with a blood relative), impregnate said relative, develop amnesia and have soft-focus conjugal relations with me to the strains of cheesy jazz music. He'd also wear his hair in the douchebaggiest of all styles -- the blowout. As appealing as all of that sounds, I'm gonna pass. And as for the Victoria's Secret Model thing? My boyfriend doesn't expect me to dress like a VS model. He actually likes me in jeans and a tee. But, if I looked like her, I wouldn't wear clothes if my life depended on it.

6. We think about you all the time. I'll admit I think about Dan a lot, but I also think about the quickest way to procure pizza (girl's gotta eat), why Ann Coulter/Rush Limbaugh/Michael Savage aren't held to the same standards as Don Imus was, whether Axl Rose will ever regain his former glory, how the Dolphins will do next season, if that pink polka dot dress I liked is still on sale, how the Jim/Pam/Karen triangle will resolve itself on The Office and how I'm going to rig the cable at Mom's so I can get free HBO and Showtime this summer. This doesn't mean I love my boyfriend any less. It just means I'm a busy girl.

9. We like you to be a little jealous . . . but overly possessive is not necessary. No -- overly-possessive is a restraining order.

13. We're allowed to be late . . . you are not. If you're going to start up with completely mad double standards like this, it will come back and bite you in the ass. I.E. -- "I'm allowed full control of the remote control...you are not." "I'm allowed to forget my wallet every time we go out...you are not." "I'm allowed to sleep with whoever I please...you are not."

16. Laugh at our jokes. What the hell happened to honesty³? Sometimes, a joke will fall flat on its face. Accept that and move on.

19. We never have to wonder if your orgasm was real. I'm pretty sure guys already know this and those that don't? They need to pick up a copy of this now.

21. Would you like it if a guy treated your sister that way? We didn't think so. If you did the things you did with me to your sister -- we need to break up and y'all need to move to Alabama....quickly.

26. We love surprises! As in, "Surprise! The condom broke!"? I don't think so.

32. When we use our teeth it means that you suck at going down on us, so we are just returning the favor. Because attacking your boyfriend's penis with a pitbull-like ferocity is so much better than talking about things in a reasonable manner.

34. Hit it and quit it, because later I'll be with you're best friend and he lasts for hours. Firstly, it's your and secondly, any girl who'd sleep with your best friend and has precognitive knowledge about his stamina is probably a girl who shouldn't have slept with in the first place. Might wanna head to the free clinic and get that itch investigated.

36. Sometimes “NO!” really means “NO!” Actually, you passive-aggressive bint -- no always means no.

43. “Fat Chicks” have feelings too. Yeah...and they smother them with cheese and eat them. And if you thought I was being serious, you're a bigger moron than the putz who wrote the original list.

Urge to kill... rising...

Two posts in one day? Just call me Blogging Molly. However, this was too big to ignore.

The tracklist for the Simpsons movie soundtrack was just announced and dear God, it's a Stampy-sized bowel movement.

1. "Can't Shine Like Me" - Lil' Romeo
2. "If You Let Me Go" - Jay-Z featuring Omarion
3. "So Emotional" - 1 Chance
4. "High Away from You" - Lifehouse
5. "I Don't Wanna Understand" - Jennifer Lopez featuring Three 6 Mafia
6. "I Believe You" - Lyfe Jennings
7. "The Way You Roll With Me" - T.I.
8. "Dancing Machine" - Maroon 5 featuring Lil' Flip
9. "Simpson" - Beanie Sigel featuring Jazze Pha
10. "Since You Get Off The Computer" - Fall Out Boy
11. "Back Again" - Kai featuring Akon
12. "I Will Kill You" - Panic! at the Disco
13. "You Gave My Heart" - Keyshia Cole featuring Ludacris
14. "The World Is Yours" - N.W.A.
15. "In the Rain" - Young Jeezy featuring Lil' Wayne
16. "Lockdown" - Joe Budden featuring The Game and Mike Jones
17. "Roll Tide" - Ja Rule featuring Lloyd and Nelly
18. "I'm Your Mama" - Chris Brown featuring Nas
19. "Go to Bed" - David Banner
20. "I Don't Wanna Your Stupid Of Me" - Ben Folds
21. "And Get Off The Porch" - Obie Trice featuring 50 Cent and Eminem

Walter Tango Foxtrot -- what the hell is going on here? I expected so much more from a show that has featured musical acts such as U2, Johnny Cash, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Ramones , The Who, Mick Jagger, Keith Richards and the last three living Beatles.

The musical guestlist for The Simpsons is like backstage at the Rock 'N Roll Hall of Fame, so why is the soundtrack chock-full of flash-in-the-pan crap?

Lil' Romeo? Jennifer Lopez? Fucking Fall Out Boy?! I know their name is a Simpsons reference, but their music sucks and Pete Wentz is a toolbag. Isn't there a Dane Cook soundtrack these third-rate pop-punkers could appear on instead?

Sweet merciful crap, even The Simpsons Sing The Blues is better than this festering turd of a record. If the movie is anything like the soundtrack -- I'm just going to lose faith in the franchise all together.

To co-opt the words of the incomparable Jeff Albertson -- Worst. Soundtrack. Ever.

Happy 30th Anniversary of Star Wars!

We ran into R2D2, Darth Vader and a couple of Stormtroopers this morning at the post office.

I love how The Best Friend and I just fall into stuff like this.

P.S. -- Who would have thought that Dunkin Donuts would have great in-store music? Boston by Augustana and The Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News had me seriously rocking out, iced coffee and munchkins in hand.

Through The Looking Glass -- The Lost Season 3 Finale

To use an SAT analogy:

My addiction to Lost :: Jack's addiction to Hillbilly Heroin.

The season finale blew my mind. Jaw-dropping, heart-wrenching fist-pumping entertainment and quite possibly, the best two hours of television this year. Questions, comments and general observations follow:

(Courtesy of Lost Easter Eggs and Screencaps)

Rest in peace, Charlie Pace. I've liked this character since the beginning. Maybe it was the musician thing. Maybe it was solidarity for a fellow Brit or maybe it was the fact that at heart, Charlie was a good guy just looking to get the monkey off his back. His death was noble right down to the very last details -- making the sign of the cross and warning Desmond that Naomi's boat had no affiliation with Penny before closing his eyes and accepting his fate. Well done, Charlie. Well done.

Was Sawyer calling Hurley a hero a nod to Heroes? "Stay in the car, hero" -- 'Cause that best-show-on-television throne? Occupado. It's a bit of a stretch and rather cheeky to boot, but indulge me, will you?

Who was the mysterious lady that Jack saved? Did they mention her name in the episode?

Was the corpse of Dr. Christian Shepard ever found on the island?

How the fuck did Mikhail not die? I mean, the man took a harpoon to the chest! Was this another example of the Island's magical rapid healing or is the Russian just impervious to weaponry? Did the grenade finally did him in or will he pop up again later on?

Ben told Richard to round up the Others and take them to the temple. Where is this temple and who does it venerate? Jacob?

The funeral Jack attended was in a fairly dodgy part of town. In fact, when I saw Jack pull up, my first assumption was, "Is he going to score drugs?" That being the case -- who could possibly be in the casket? When asked by the home attendant if he was family or friend, Jack responded, "Neither." So, this leaves us a couple of options:

1. Sawyer -- The relationship between Jack and Sawyer has been fraught with tension and I very much doubt Jack would ever refer to him as a friend. Also -- Jack questioned Kate's absence at the funeral. Among the Losties, Jack and Kate have the most reason to attend funeral services for James 'Sawyer' Ford.
   
2. Juliet -- Although, had it been Juliet -- I'm sure her sister would have attended (if her sister is still alive).
3. Locke -- He has no family (Mom's a lunatic, Daddy was garroted by Sawyer) and his actions on the Island as of late have been far from friendly.
4. Michael -- No family, no friends (he sold out the Losties to Ben in exchange for Walt and in the "real world" -- he's considered dead for all intents and purposes) and Hoffs/Drawler (an anagram of 'Flash Forward' -- pretty sneaky, sis) seemed to be an African-American funeral home.

Dr. Christian Shepard is dead, right? Despite numerous references made to him being alive in Jack's flash-forward, Shepard the Elder must be deceased. Living in his father's shadow continues to crush Jack.

Sayid snapping the neck of the Other was Bauer-esque. Has there ever been a sympathetic Iraqi portrayed on an American television series? I think Sayid Jarrah may very well be the first.

For a man that has an inability to kill, Locke was pretty quick to send that knife zooming into Naomi's back. Speaking of our favorite parachutist...

Why did Naomi have a picture of Des and Penny? Courtesy of Mr. Widmore? Captains of industry are far more nefarious than any smoke monster (Enron, anyone?)

Although he shot Mr. Friendly in a fairly brutal way, Sawyer had his reasons and explained them before he pulled the trigger -- "This is for taking the kid off the raft." Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord and Sawyer certainly repaid. Cold-blooded killer? I'm not so sure about that characterization. At least not yet.

Far and away, Hurley is my favorite character on the show. To those so-called fans who didn't appreciate the VW Van/Shambala episode earlier this season -- eat crow. And sidenote -- how cool is Sawyer for whupping ass and then, cracking open a Dharma Initiative brewski? Work hard, play hard.

Live Together, Die Alone. It's been a major component of the show since the beginning. By getting off the island, the Losties won't be living together anymore and therefore, are destined to die alone. After living on the Island, you can't just go back and live in the real world anymore.

Death Count: 15 including miscellaneous others. I predicted Charlie, Tom, Rose, Bernard and an Other-To-Be-Named Later. Lesson learned? I'm certainly no Desmond.

An Open Letter To Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof:

Dear Mr. Cuse and Mr. Lindelof:

Pardon my French, but you glorious bastards! You may have just created the greatest show in the history of televised entertainment.

People are constantly griping about the lack of intelligent entertainment on American television and for the part, they have a point. I mean, with pablum like Dancing With The Stars, Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? and Ghost Whisperer polluting the airwaves, you can't really blame them.

But Lost is a creature all its own. Not only is it compelling, but it exposes the audience to ideas and concepts most never would have discovered organically - Enlightenment philosophy, time paradoxes, Eastern philosophy, Judeo-Christian allegories and not to mention a slew of other philosophical and scientific theories as well as numerous pop culture references.

I am continually amazed by just how much you manage to pour into each episode of the show. And the best part? The human emotion really bleeds through. It would be easy to drown the show in pretentious intellectualism, but instead you reiterate time after time that above all, this is show about people.

February 2008 can't come soon enough.

Love:

Jaime xx

For a megadose of Lost, check out Whitney Matheson's Pop Candy blog for USA Today. You might wanna bring a sandwich, though. It's pretty long.

LOST

The last text message I received from The Boyfriend:

LOngeST day ever.

Cutest. Boyfriend. Ever. Seriously. I love this man.

Season finale tonight and I can't wait.

My predictions for the finale:

• Charlie, Tom (also known as 'Zeke' and 'Mr. Friendly'), Rose, Bernard and an Other to be named later are going to get off the Island...permanently.
• Rousseau and Alex will finally reunite after sixteen long years.
• Desmond's prediction will be inaccurate in the sense that no rescue helicopter will save Claire and Aaron.
  
• Naomi is a liar -- Flight 815 was never recovered in the 'real' world.
  
• Boone flashback! (That's just wishful thinking on my part and based on nothing more than a libidinous jones for Ian Somerhalder).
  

ONE MORE HOUR! Expect a post tomorrow.

It's a date

The best part about this isn't the fact that we've all waited so long for see Jim and Pam finally get together -- it's that as soon as it happened, I called my sister and she was just as excited (if not more so) as I was.

Sonic Love Byte: Wild Horses/Patience -- Guns 'N Roses

I've got this bum ticker, see. If I drink a lot of coffee or get real upset or spend too much time in a hot-tub or sauna -- my heart starts racing. I get a little dizzy and I can't really remember how to breathe too well (in through the nose, right?). My chest feels like it's made of paper and John Bonham soloing right in the middle of it.

It's pretty intense.

Watching this clip and hearing those guitars, my heart felt like I'd be pounding double espressos all night long. Hell, I'm still a little dizzy...and I wouldn't trade that feeling for the world.

I've been waiting for a good day I've been holding back long enough

Today was a good day for the following reasons:

Dresses -- I picked up a new one today. It's rust-colored with a deep V-neck and it makes me feel pretty. I have decided that I am definitely going to introduce more frocks to my wardrobe.

Mindy Kaling -- While it's slightly worrisome just how much I relate to the character of Kelly Kapoor, I lovelovelove Miss Kaling. My sister (who is awesome in her own right) introduced me to her blog and now, I like Kaling even more. She's funny, she likes to eat, she's got pretty good taste, she swears casually and she has an enviable disposable income. What's not to like?



Bread and champagne for dinner -- I decided to be French today. Usually this would entail public urination and cruelty to geese, but in my case -- it meant having bread and champagne for lunch. Not the healthiest option, but definitely one exploring. The bread's even better when it's heart-shaped.

















The Merita Bread Factory -- The only redeeming part of driving on I-4 is the smell of freshly baked bread. It actually makes traffic bearable.

Betsey Johnson perfume -- According to Betsey Johnson, the scent is, 'fruity floriental' but I prefer to think of it as 'yummy.' It's light, sweet without being cloying and perfect for summertime.

Demeter Gin and Tonic cologne -- If fruity and whimsical isn't really your bag, check out Demeter. My favorite scents are Gin and Tonic (because smelling like a WASP is always a good thing) and Between The Sheets, but they also have scents based on Play-Doh, Blueberry Muffin Jellybeans (they smell just like muffins. It's crazy), cannabis flowers and even dirt. I can't really imagine anyone wanting to smell like dirt, but then again I can't really figure out how electricity works or what John Mayer and Jessica Simpson could possibly ever talk about, so obviously, I don't have all the answers.

John Krasinski -- What's got two thumbs and a serious crush on Krasinski? This girl. You really can't blame me. He's just so sweet.





















The way The Boyfriend makes me laugh -- Like water bubbling up from a fountain. It's kinda absurd and kinda perfect.

A late dinner with The Best Friend at the Town Tavern -- wandering around the neighborhood, cold Peronis, good music and a great waiter named Seth. All the makings of a good night.

You say asshole, I say sister.

(In reference to a girl's MySpace picture)

Sparky: She looks too fat for that hat!
Jaime: How do you look too fat for a hat?!
Sparky: She does! Her body was too big and her hat was too small. She looked like the Michelin Man, Jemmy. A tanner version of the Michelin Man...and uglier. She's got to be easy.
Jaime: She is!
Sparky: She probably puts out after 38 seconds.
Jaime: She puts out when someone bags her groceries.
Sparky: And she works at (insert name of well-known grocery chain)!
Sparky: Why didn't you warn me that you were looking at her MySpace? Now it's going to haunt me. I'll be eating my ice-cream cone and I'll think of her and....It's like an incentive to lose weight!